Fatigue 

Heavy limbs

Droopy eyes

Aching neck, shoulders, arms, legs, feet

Complete exhaustion

Disconnected

Pain 

Everything feels like lead, heavy and useless

So tired

Longing for glorious sleep 

But it doesn’t matter 

I wake up

One o’clock

Three o’clock

Four o’clock

And it goes on

And then I wake up and do it all again 

Struggling with my fatigue and aches at the moment. Really affecting my mood and ability to do things properly 

Let’s hope for better sleep tonight!

Love,

Ellie xx

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Be me

There are so many things that I want to do and be,
But more than any of them, I just want to be me.

I wish for a day when I could look at myself in a mirror
Without wishing I was different – taller, thinner,

Perfectionism is so tiring, I want to stop and rest,
But I won’t allow myself; I have to do my best.

I wish for a day when my best is good enough for me,
Perfection isn’t necessary, one day I will see,
If that day arrived I finally would be free,
And then I could truly let myself be me.

That sinking feeling

I’m getting that sinking feeling,

Not yet, please not yet,

I haven’t finished enjoying the world,

I haven’t finished participating,

I haven’t finished feeling like I can do this,

I haven’t taken it all in.

~    ~    ~

I’m getting that sinking feeling,

The one where everything feels unstable,

Like I’m dangling from a cliff,

And the rope is about to snap,

Then I’ll fall down,

down,

down.

down,

down…

~    ~    ~

I’m getting that sinking feeling,

But I’m not done with smiling,

I’m not done with feeling good,

Give me more time, I’m begging you,

I don’t want to fall,

Not again,

~    ~   ~

Because what if I can’t get up again?

Just for a day

I wish I could stop the world

Just for a day

I would be the only one still moving,

Like in sleeping beauty

Where the world sleeps for 100 years

It would be quiet and peaceful

I could finally rest, undisturbed

With no one to change my plans

And no one to make things worse.

I wish I could relax fully,

Just for a day

And feel like I’m not being held down,

I want to live, live my life to the full,

But instead there is no calmness,

No peace, no quiet,

And the pain never goes away,

But I still wish it would,

Just for a day.

 

Let me sleep

Trigger warning – maybe. Suicidal thoughts etc, read only if you’re safe.

~

I want to die, sleep forever,

I want to be finally at peace,

The pain never seems to leave me,

While I live it’s a matter of survival

Not living life to the full,

I’m trying to keep up,

To keep going through all the pain,

But I’m tired and I need a rest,

I want to sleep, sleep forever,

Then all the pain will be washed away.

If the pain could be removed,

I would like to live my life,

But surviving isn’t fun,

And somehow life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be,

And I find my thoughts wandering,

And find myself thinking over and over:

I want to die, just let me sleep.

~

I’m sick of surviving, I want to live. (Or die)

Life is a rollercoaster

Life is a rollercoaster,

Ups and downs,

Round and round,

Going up side down,

Loop the loops,

Up and down,

Up and down,

Life is a rollercoaster,

But I just want to get off.

~ ~ ~

After several days of feeling “up”, the down appears to have hit me again. I hate that feeling, it’s always worse when it comes after an up – the fall is further.

I want to curl up in a ball and go back to bed. But I’m too busy, there’s too much to do. I feel like crying, but I can’t, I need to be strong. I need to be okay.

I’m sick of these stupid mood swings. Up and down, up and down. I just want normal. People say normal is boring, but I don’t mind, I just want normal.

I want to make it stop!!

(As a side note, I actually really like real rollercoasters, although going to Disney Land Florida kind of ruined rollercoasters in the UK for me… they are bigger and better in the USA!)

Would you

Would you still be there if you knew,

If you knew what I’d been through,

If you knew the mistakes I’ve made,

Would you still come to my aid?

Would you judge me for what I’ve done,

Would you stay my friend or run?

How am I supposed to know,

Would you stay or would you go?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wish I could know the answers to these questions. There’s secrets I keep from so many people. Most of my “best friends” don’t have a clue about me, not really.

If I could know for sure, maybe I could tell the truth more.

Up side down world

Back and forth,

Up and down,

I sit on the seat and swing,

kicking my legs out in front,

I want to go higher, higher,

I want to touch the sky,

And then back down, down, down,

As my feet scrape the ground,

And I lean back

As I start to fly again,

The world is different

When it’s up side down.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That’s how I feel – up and down. 

I don’t know what to do, my positive thoughts from earlier have disappeared in a puff of smoke! Now I feel tired, empty, lost…again. I want to write but I am too restless, the ideas won’t form together properly. There’s so much I want to do, but I know I don’t have enough time to do all of it.

I’m feeling very strange today…

(In case you hadn’t noticed!)

These mood swings are getting quite unmanageable… I want to know what’s wrong with me?!

Darkness

The darkness closes in on me,
I am enveloped and blinded by the fog,
I cannot escape its clutches,
The feelings overwhelm me and I feel trapped,
Trapped again;
Trapped in this life,

My struggles are futile,
My efforts seem to be in vain,
The darkness is stronger than little me,
And it’s eating away at me: a parasite.

It wants me to give in,
To wave a white flag and surrender,
The darkness taunts me:
you’ll never get out”
No one cares about you”
“Your life is pointless, you’re useless!

And it laughs, gleefully celebrating every victory it gains over me,
Whilst I, at every defeat grow weaker and more tired,
Just tell me, I beg, when will it be over?
If I knew maybe I could put up a fight.

I just want to sleep,
For it all to stop and leave me alone,
And the darkness urges me to follow these thoughts:
“Go on… no one will even notice…”

But the memories, the promises,
They come back to me,
Providing just a glimmer of light,
A chance of hope, a reason to go on,
I’ll not let him lose another one,
Darkness will not overpower me.

~ ~ ~

At least not yet.