Woke up this morning. Thought “damn I’m still here”, drifted in and out of sleep for a couple of hours. Woke up again, thought “damn, I’m late!” Dragged myself out of bed, into the shower and then, threw on some clothes and made my way to uni. Made it just in time for my first seminar of 2013.
After a bad start, the day got better. I handed in my coursework, spoke to my head of year who has given me an extension for the next piece of coursework, organised some stuff for the society I am on the exec for, had lunch with a friend and a nice catch up..
Got my grammar test back from German, and I got an A (which equates to a 1st), was feeling pretty good after that – was expecting a far lower grade!
Got home, did some cleaning*, made my tea** and sat watching TV with housemates. It was all fine, and I felt not too bad considering everything that’s been going on recently…
Then I went up to my room, saw that the results were up for the 2 exams I did last term, and that was my day ruined.
On one of them I got an A (again, a 1st) which is great, but that almost doesn’t matter because on the other one I got 47%, which is just scrapping a pass.
Even though I got two As today, the low grade on that 2nd exam has really brought my mood down.
Completely lost all motivation, and although I’m trying not to show it, I’m completely and utterly gutted. I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve thrown away stupid marks. It was a multiple choice exam and I got less than 50%, how is that even possible? I’m just useless.
Even now, feeling really rubbishy about this, I know that this is an irrational response. Yes I should be disappointed, but why am I letting 1 bad mark overshadow the 2 good marks? That’s just how my brain works.
And the worst thing is, that when I did that exam (which I got 47% in) I felt really really rubbish***, and they told me I could do it after Christmas, and I said no. I did it anyway, even though I felt awful, and now it turns out I did badly. Therefore it was stupid of me to do it before Christmas. I probably could’ve done better if I had done it this week instead. Maybe.
Either way, it doesn’t matter now because it’s too late. I did the test, and so now I can’t do anything about it. The uni are not going to do anything about it now because I took the choice to do it last term instead of this term, and I’ve probably thrown away my chances of getting a 1st this year now.****
All my life I have done well at school, in exams, and at uni last year I did well too. And I have always placed massive importance on my academic achievement. It’s something I measure my success on, and nothing lower than an A is good enough for my stupid brain.
It doesn’t matter that I felt awful the day I did the exam, because now 47% is on my transcript, and that will bring down the rest of my marks.
Why do I have to have such stupidly high and rigid expectations of myself? Even though I know it’s irrational and stupid, I still can’t shake these beliefs. That I’m a failure, that I’m not good enough, that I don’t deserve anything. That if I don’t get a first, there’s no point in getting a degree.
I’m pretty sure that these thoughts are the kind of things that CBT aim to help with, so here’s hoping I can “correct” my thinking.
So all in all, today was very up and down. And because of this stupid 47%, the day will be remembered as a rubbish day. It started badly, had a nice middle and ended badly. It’s a bit like having some lovely ham in the middle of mouldy bread – it’s still a yucky sandwich, even if the ham is nice!
*I know – me, cleaning!
**I’m becoming Northern – dinner to the rest of us!
***massive understatement, again!
****Yes I know, I have ridiculously high expectations of myself, it’s what I get for going to the school I went to. And yes I know, it’s irrational.