Fried brain

My brain is frazzled. I’m trying to cram a lot of information in at once and it’s not going too well!

So here I am, blogging! Procrastination much? 

My exam is on Monday afternoon, so I have this afternoon and evening, the whole of tomorrow and then Monday morning to learn everything. I’ve written most of my notes, so will probably write them out again and read over them a lot to try to learn it all. And then fingers crossed for Monday! Please give me a question I can answer!!

In other news, remember when I disappeared for quite a while because I had too much coursework? I’ve got the results back, and got an A on my lab report and a B+ on my essay, very happy about that!! 

I am trying not to think too much about the exams. I have a major fear that I’m going to freeze, forget everything and write nothing. That cannot happen, so I’m trying not to think about it.

Well, this post was pretty boring – sorry about that.

I guess it’s back to revision for me!

But later I’m going climbing 😀

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End of term!

By some miracle it’s here… the end of term!

I didn’t finish all my coursework – had to get an extension on 1 essay, but managed the rest.

This week I had to hand in a lab report, a project and a language portfolio, do a german presentation and a statistics exam… so I’m pretty glad that I managed to do all of that, even if I couldn’t manage the essay as well.

And now it’s the easter holidays. Back to London tomorrow, for a month of “holiday”.

Unfortunately I can’t really take much time off, there’s this essay to write, another lab report and revision to start… but term 2 of year 2 is done, and for now at least I am going to take a bit of time for myself!

So tomorrow I will start playing catch up with reading blogs. I may not manage to read every single post, seeing as I’ve missed LOADS, but I’ll try 🙂

I have quite a lot of write about, like my CBT session this week, anger, relationship stuff and general stuff that’s been going on, but I’m too tired right now.

Tonight, instead of going out with my housemates, I decided to stay in my (nice warm) house and watch Don’t tell the bride on BBC iplayer, relax and get an early night.

I am proud to say I didn’t give in to peer pressure and subject myself to another bad night out. But after the last time when I ended up running out of the club in panic, I decided it would be more sensible to have a night in (even if that makes me boring).

So looking forward to reading everyone’s blogs, I’ve really missed WP while I’ve been away!!

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

One week to go

Thought I’d check in as I haven’t been blogging so much recently, like I said, too much work!

Hope everyone is doing ok here, and once I am done with my work I will catch up on all the posts I’ve missed.

There is 1 week left of term. This time next week, I should have: handed in 4 pieces of coursework, done a german presentation, done a statistics exam and finished all lectures/seminars for 2nd year…

It’s going to be a close call and I don’t know if I will get all of that done. But I’m going to give it a damn good try. I decided I’m sick of not being able to do my work, so I’m ploughing through anyway. I probably won’t get as good grades as I am hoping for, but I’m doing my best, and right now, my best isn’t fantastic but that’s the best I can do.

I am saying this cautiously, as I don’t want to jinx things, but things seem to be looking up. I am still having lows, but also having days that are ok, good even, this week. The psychiatrist said that once I start feeling better it will be gradual, there will gradually become more good days and less bad days until ta da – you’re better!

There is definitely a long way to go before I feel better, but progress is being made. I don’t know if it’s the CBT, or the medication, a mixture of the two, or that this week has randomly been a bit better, but the point is there is hope, and things will change.

I’ll be back soon!

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

Trying

I’ve written 294 words. It’s not a lot but it’s a start. I have all this coursework to do, so I had to start somewhere.

I’m translating the first 2 pages of Harry Potter und der Stein der Weisen (AKA HP and the philospher’s stone) into English. 294 words so far, I’m about 1/4 of the way through the second page. That’s my aim before dinner, to finish the page.

I had an idea that I will translate pages 3 and 4 from English into German too. But I don’t have the English version of the book here, so my dad is going to scan it.

I always underestimate the brain power and amount of time needed for me to translate stuff. It’s not hard, Harry Potter, and especially the first one, is written for children. I should be able to translate 2 pages!

Hopefully my teacher will think this is a good idea when she comes to mark it. We have to do an independent learning portfolio, which basically means we have to do 6 pieces of work and evaluate it, and show how it has helped us progress with our German learning. I did 3 last term, so just have to make corrections on those, and I’m doing the Harry Potter translations, a film review (of a German film that I haven’t actually watched yet) and some kind of grammar exercise. I think.

Wow, this was a boring blog post – sorry! But it kind of helped to get it straight in my mind.

It’s taken me most of the day to get going with work. I stayed in bed until nearly 2, and didn’t do much once I got up. I spoke to S just before 4 and I hadn’t started yet. He told me to just try and do something. I know he’s right. I know he knows that I’m struggling, but sometimes it feels like people are thinking “just get over it”, even though I know he’d never say that. And I hope he doesn’t think it either. I am trying, really hard.

But even if this is all I get done today, it’s better than nothing – right?

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

P.S. I still find it so funny that one of the most common searches that leads to my blog is Despicable Me Minions! hehe

Where has my motivation gone?

I am generally a driven person. I have high expectations of myself and I want to succeed. I have goals in my life, goals which will be hard to achieve but I have always been determined to keep going until I reach them.

And yet now none of it seems to matter.

I have ridiculous amounts of coursework to do. I have exams coming up. And I’m doing nothing. I have no motivation to do my work. My concentration is through the floor, and my mood is down there with it. I sit and look at the list of things to do and it’s like a huge mountain. I know I should break it down into little mole hills, and then it will seem possible. But even that feels like too much effort.

I feel like I’m being lazy. Other people will think I am making a fuss over nothing. The closer the deadlines come, the less realistic the chance of me getting the work done. And yet I’m not panicking. Not yet. I don’t really care. None of it really matters.

But when I don’t get a first, then it will matter. Then I will feel like a failure. What am I saying? I already feel like a failure.

I should be able to do this. It’s not that I don’t have the intelligence, it can’t be that hard. Everyone else manages. And yet my head is all fuzzy and cloudy, with nothing making sense. My memory is terrible, I can’t concentrate at all, and most worryingly, I don’t even care about my work right now, even though it’s the things I wanted to study, and the subject that I am was passionate about.

I want the determination back, the motivation, the drive. Where has it all gone?

I’m running out of time.

Anyone know how to concentrate?

Just a moan about life really

There’s too much to do and never enough time.

So much coursework, and I haven’t done my CBT homework yet, and yet all I seem to want to do is sleep.

I am tired all the time. No amount of sleep seems to help.

I wish I could have a weekend off – no commitments, just sleep and lazing around. But I can’t.

There’s too much coursework, homework, work. And I’m helping on the university open day today, giving a tour of the university at 3. Oh dear. I’m still in my pajamas.

Time to get going and put a happy face on.

And tonight I’m volunteering. Can’t let them down now. Damn. Why do I agree to these things?

All I want is to hide in my bed by myself. No chance of that.

And tomorrow I need to do work. When am I going to get 4 pieces of coursework and revision for at least 2 exams done?

I don’t want to ask for any more extensions.

I just want to be able to do this. Feeling useless, and that probably isn’t helping matters.

Why do I have to be so disorganised and unproductive with my time? It’s like everything takes at least three times as long as it should. No wonder there aren’t enough hours in the day.

Urgh.

Just a moaning rant really. Sorry WP.

A ham sandwich with moudly bread

Woke up this morning. Thought “damn I’m still here”, drifted in and out of sleep for a couple of hours. Woke up again, thought “damn, I’m late!” Dragged myself out of bed, into the shower and then, threw on some clothes and made my way to uni. Made it just in time for my first seminar of 2013.

After a bad start, the day got better. I handed in my coursework, spoke to my head of year who has given me an extension for the next piece of coursework, organised some stuff for the society I am on the exec for, had lunch with a friend and a nice catch up..

Got my grammar test back from German, and I got an A (which equates to a 1st), was feeling pretty good after that – was expecting a far lower grade!

Got home, did some cleaning*, made my tea** and sat watching TV with housemates. It was all fine, and I felt not too bad considering everything that’s been going on recently…

Then I went up to my room, saw that the results were up for the 2 exams I did last term, and that was my day ruined.

On one of them I got an A (again, a 1st) which is great, but that almost doesn’t matter because on the other one I got 47%, which is just scrapping a pass.

Even though I got two As today, the low grade on that 2nd exam has really brought my mood down.

Completely lost all motivation, and although I’m trying not to show it, I’m completely and utterly gutted. I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve thrown away stupid marks. It was a multiple choice exam and I got less than 50%, how is that even possible? I’m just useless.

Even now, feeling really rubbishy about this, I know that this is an irrational response. Yes I should be disappointed, but why am I letting 1 bad mark overshadow the 2 good marks? That’s just how my brain works.

And the worst thing is, that when I did that exam (which I got 47% in) I felt really really rubbish***, and they told me I could do it after Christmas, and I said no. I did it anyway, even though I felt awful, and now it turns out I did badly. Therefore it was stupid of me to do it before Christmas. I probably could’ve done better if I had done it this week instead. Maybe.

Either way, it doesn’t matter now because it’s too late. I did the test, and so now I can’t do anything about it. The uni are not going to do anything about it now because I took the choice to do it last term instead of this term, and I’ve probably thrown away my chances of getting a 1st this year now.****

All my life I have done well at school, in exams, and at uni last year I did well too. And I have always placed massive importance on my academic achievement. It’s something I measure my success on, and nothing lower than an A is good enough for my stupid brain.

It doesn’t matter that I felt awful the day I did the exam, because now 47% is on my transcript, and that will bring down the rest of my marks.

Why do I have to have such stupidly high and rigid expectations of myself? Even though I know it’s irrational and stupid, I still can’t shake these beliefs. That I’m a failure, that I’m not good enough, that I don’t deserve anything. That if I don’t get a first, there’s no point in getting a degree.

I’m pretty sure that these thoughts are the kind of things that CBT aim to help with, so here’s hoping I can “correct” my thinking.

So all in all, today was very up and down. And because of this stupid 47%, the day will be remembered as a rubbish day. It started badly, had a nice middle and ended badly. It’s a bit like having some lovely ham in the middle of mouldy bread – it’s still a yucky sandwich, even if the ham is nice!

*I know – me, cleaning!

**I’m becoming Northern – dinner to the rest of us!

***massive understatement, again!

****Yes I know, I have ridiculously high expectations of myself, it’s what I get for going to the school I went to. And yes I know, it’s irrational.

Everything needs to change (back in Lancaster)

I have made it back to Lancaster. At times I thought I wouldn’t be coming back this term, but here I am, sitting in my tiny little bedroom and catching up on my blog reading.

I have finished 2 of my pieces of coursework. I’ve got 1 more to do, and an exam on Wednesday, and then the pressure is off (for a little while). This term, I hope to stay on top of my work. But then again, I always say that.

I am feeling very low, and still wondering what I am doing back here… Can I get through this term? Am I good enough? Why can’t I just go home and hide until it all goes away?

Last night we went out for Footballer’s birthday. It was nice to see everyone, and I got drunk for the first time in ages. There was a part of the evening where I started crying, and couldn’t stop. I heard my friend talking to her boyfriend, saying “never leave me”, and that was enough to set me off.

I wanted to go home. Actually, I wanted to die. (Not just because of that, but because I generally felt incredibly rubbish*).

I didn’t go home. I stayed out and went to the club. I didn’t want to let Footballer down by going home. Several other people didn’t come out, and (drunk) footballer got really upset. She thought no one cared and that no one was really her friend.

This is ridiculous; we all love her, we all care about her so much. But Footballer has a very idyllic view of the world, and she expects (and wants) everything to be perfect, but naturally it isn’t.

Someone didn’t come out because they were ill, some are not back in Lancaster, one was at work (but did come out afterwards). No one wanted to hurt her, but it did. She felt let down, and so I went out, and tried to make sure she had fun.

I think she did in the end.

When we came home, I went to bed. I lay there for ages. Just feeling nothing but pain.

When is this going to stop hurting? When am I going to get better? Or, worst of all… what if I never get better?

Today I didn’t get up until about 2. I was drifting in and out of sleep from about 10, but didn’t have the motivation to get up. I was very achy, tired and generally fed up. I got up eventually, and read some blogs.

I was supposed to be doing my lab report today, but I haven’t. It’s half past 6 now and I still can’t be bothered to do anything.

I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to talk. I don’t even want to sleep. I just want this to stop hurting.

Tomorrow uni begins again. This term my timetable is much better – no more 9-6 on a Monday! I don’t start until 11 tomorrow, so I can have a bit of a lie in. I don’t want to go to uni. I don’t want to do any of this right now.

People say I should “try and stay positive”, but how can I stay positive when I’m not positive to begin with?

Feeling very negative. And I wanted this term to be different. I don’t think it will be though.

I am hoping and praying** that things will get better. That the CBT will work. That the psychiatrist will be able to help. That I will lose some of this weight. That I will be able to get through this term. That I will do well in my work…

Everything needs to change. And I don’t know how.

*I always say that. “I feel rubbish”. Actually this is a massive understatement, but it gets across the general feeling.

**This is very hypocritical. I don’t even know if I believe in God anymore. I want to, but I’m in so much pain. I don’t really believe in much anymore. I pray sometimes, that God will help me, and show me a sign that he’s listening. It’s probably stupid. If he’s there, why would he listen to me, who doesn’t even know if I believe anymore?

Anxiety, depression and perfectionism – intertwined

Yesterday I went to see Matilda (the musical) up in London. It was great and I went with one of my best friends (Monkey) and her family, which was lovely.

But parts of it brought on anxiety. If you are not familiar with the story, it features a horrible, abusive headmistress of the school (Miss Trunchbull) and the parents of the main character (Matilda) are also horrible, selfish people.

I don’t think it was so much the storyline which brought on the anxiety, although it did bring to the surface some memories of things with the ex…

But there were several instances where there was loud sounds, flashing lights and I felt disorientated, and anxious at these times. I have noticed that sometimes when there is loud noises/lots of people/flashing lights that it brings on anxiety, although I’m not sure why.

Maybe it is because I feel disorientated and there is too much going on.. Who knows!

Another example of this was today at work. I was in one of the aisles, and it suddenly got really busy and I felt really trapped and as if everything had got louder than it really was. I have had this feeling several times at work, and always under the same circumstances (busy aisle – too many people and too much noise.)

Luckily I have been able to control it by focusing on my breathing, and in some cases I have been able to leave the aisle in question.

It is really bizarre… I did think that my main issue was depression, but it seems that anxiety is more of an issue than I thought.

I think it is very common for the two (depression and anxiety) to exist alongside each other, and they probably fuel each other as well.

Having been in this anxious state (which has definitely not been helped by my rising stress levels over different things!*) I have now bitten all my nails off, which is sad because I thought I had cracked my nail-biting habbit. Every so often, I get stressed and I end up biting them.. Grr!

So all in all, things are not great at the moment.

I had a day or so where I felt quite optimistic, and have done quite a lot of my work (but not all of it, and it’s probably rubbish anyway..) but that seems to have disappeared now, and I am back in the gloomy worry of whether I can finish this year or not. This morning I had a bit of a melt down… Spent about an hour hiding in my room in the dark, and crying, because I feel like I’m never going to get my work done (and even if I do, it won’t be good enough.)

Having read what I have written here, my perfectionism is glaringly obvious, and it seems incredibily irrational, but at the time it feels like the truth, and feels like there is no way out of this gloom. Even now, rationally, I know that this is irrational, but that doesn’t stop my brain telling me all these things… like how I am useless, a failure, and I can’t do what other people on my course can do, therefore I am not clever enough, and must be useless.

Damn perfectionism….

*Coursework for uni, worrying about going back to uni, stressing about the amount of weight I have put on, the fact my clothes are mostly too small now… etc.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Everyone seems to be winding down for Christmas…

There was a Christmas Market at the university on Friday, I’m going to numerous Christmas meals, and in less than a week I will be home*, but…

I have so much to do before then.

I have 3 exams, and a German portfolio to do this week.

Not to mention the essays I got extensions on (but I might have to leave them until the holidays now)

and everyone else seems to be getting into the Christmas spirit, but I have no time.

And then there’s Christmas presents… I was looking forward to buying presents, but somehow I’m running out of time for my Christmas shopping… This means stress stress stress!

I’ve got to find a Christmas present for Mr Maps by Friday (for Secret Santa), and I can’t think of a single thing I could get him… Plus, the one novelty gift shop that would’ve been my first shop to look in in Lancaster is now gone…

Sorry for the rambling rant. I guess I’ll just have to go full steam ahead for one last week, and then I can breathe a sigh of relief for a month, before it all starts again… (*groans*)

Oh, and how could I forgot? Then there is the ordeal of ACTUAL CHRISTMAS, which is most likely going to be very tiring for me (pretending to be happy) or, if I don’t pretend to be happy, I will be told “cheer up, it’s Christmas” numerous times, before eventually I get angry and leave. I don’t think that second one is an acceptable option, so pretending to be happy it is then!

How is everyone else’s Christmas shopping going? Any recommendations of amazing websites by any chance? 😀

*Well in exactly a week I will be working 8am – 6pm, but hopefully the money will be worth it!