Migraine

Had to call in sick today. My migraines are bad this week. Two lots of tablets haven’t got rid of today’s one. 

It’s a bit better than it was but not great. I drove half way to work and turned round. 

Was going to push through it but thought what is the point. The office lights and computer screen won’t help and I don’t feel like I can concentrate properly. So back to bed. 

Feeling disappointed in myself. I find it hard to take a sick day. But I did it. I am trying to look after myself better. Small steps. 

Love 

Ellie xx

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A positive thought 

Amongst all the terrible things that are going on lately, and the depression I am experiencing right now, there are still good people, glimmers of hope… 

While I was driving home today I saw two ladies, one elderly and one much younger (maybe her daughter?) walking in the pouring rain. The older lady was pushing a walker to keep her balance. The younger lady held an umbrella over the older lady to keep her dry as they walked. Not over both of them, just over the older lady. The younger lady was drenched but didn’t seem to mind, focused on keeping the older lady dry. 

‘That’s love’ I thought, as I saw this moment, I smiled as I drove on. Little things like this give me hope. There are still some good people, there are still things to smile about. 

Just thought I’d share some positivity!

Love 

Ellie xx

Health 

Thought I would fill you in with my current health situation – I have some kind of fatigue problem. Also a lot of aching and pain. The doctors are investigating to try and find out what it is

Currently they are wondering if it is fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome (ME). It’s all a bit scary because I know both are chronic so unlikely to get a full recovery. 

My mum has fibromyalgia and I see a lot of the same symptoms in me. It’s scary. I feel that I am too young, but that’s not how it works. It’s indiscriminate just like depression…

My appointment at the hospital is in August. I’m glad they are finally taking me seriously. It has taken a long time to get a referral. 

Part of me wants to know what’s wrong. Part of me is scared of what the diagnosis might be. 

Just a waiting game now

. I am also suffering from a lot of migraines but that’s a separate story. I am on the 18 month waiting list for the next treatment as none of the medications have helped. 

I feel like my body is against me. I am trying to get on with my life and work on my anxiety and depression, but when I am in pain it’s hard not to feel low. 

Love

Ellie xxx

TGIF

That’s how I feel today. I have struggled through the week, completely exhausted. A lot of pain this week and it feels like I’m dragging myself around. I have been longing for Friday evening since Monday, and here it is!

My mood has been low this week…Lower than it has been in a long time. Somehow I kept going and went to work everyday anyway. I want to feel better again. Every time I fall it seems to feel worse. When I feel good it’s hard to remember the lows, when I feel bad it’s hard to remember the good times. 

Time for an early night I think

Love

Ellie xxx

Therapy today 

I’ve been in therapy for about a year and a half now. I like my therapist and I think I’ve made a lot of progress. 

It helps sometimes. Today was hard. We talked about hard things that I haven’t thought of in a while. 

Lots of emotions. Sadness. Emptiness. Anger.  Tears. 

I want to feel better but I don’t. Fed up of going round in circles. I was doing pretty well for a few months and now I’ve gone backwards again. 

We talked about me feeling like I’m not real and feeling not present. Like I’m in a bubble that’s a little bit separate. Very disconnected. This is dissociation apparently. Because things are hard. 

Emotionally and physically exhausted. Good night 

Love 

Ellie xx

Fatigue 

Heavy limbs

Droopy eyes

Aching neck, shoulders, arms, legs, feet

Complete exhaustion

Disconnected

Pain 

Everything feels like lead, heavy and useless

So tired

Longing for glorious sleep 

But it doesn’t matter 

I wake up

One o’clock

Three o’clock

Four o’clock

And it goes on

And then I wake up and do it all again 

Struggling with my fatigue and aches at the moment. Really affecting my mood and ability to do things properly 

Let’s hope for better sleep tonight!

Love,

Ellie xx

Why/update 

I have been thinking about getting back into blogging for a while. At one point I thought about starting a blog as me, one that people I know could know about. I’m still considering it but the idea fills me with anxiety. I would do a wellbeing based blog I think, rather than making it very personal. 

So that’s what brought me back here I guess. Here, I am Ellie. I feel safe in the knowledge that here I am anonymous and I can write what I like without fear of what people I know might say. I have become a hell of a lot more open about my mental health in the last year or two, but still not quite ready for that I don’t think. 

As a bit of an update – I finished my year abroad, and it was the best thing I could’ve done. In that year, I healed a lot. I learned a lot, I gained confidence, I gained independence. 

And then I went back and finished my degree, it was hard but I did it and I got what I wanted. Final year was a completely new world for me… because I was so much more well, I could sit in lectures and take it all in, learning was exciting and enjoyable, I remembered why I chose to study psychology. I’m not saying it was all roses, because final year was bloody hard. And my relief at never having to do german translation again afterwards was huge. But anyway, long story short, final year was pretty good. 

Then I moved home, got a job, had a few wobbles, got a promotion, did that for a while, got fed up, got 2 new jobs, and now here I am. 

I have had periods of being well, periods of really struggling. At the moment I’m in a bit of a dip and it’s not nice. Especially after feeling like I had ‘recovered’

But that’s not how life works and I know it. I will always be recovering because my depression and anxiety come and go in ebbs and flows. And I have to learn to be ok with that. It doesn’t make it easier though, every time it happens, it catches me unaware, it floors me. And then I get back up, I keep trying, I get through. 

So that’s my short version of the update. Would love to know how everyone else is doing 😊

Love,

Ellie xx

Hello world

I am back on WordPress.

It feels weird but also right somehow.

I have been thinking about it for a while but couldn’t remember my password or the password for the email address attached to the account. But cracked it today. Here I am.

I don’t know if many of my old blogging friends are still here, but if you are – a big hello!

Things are the same, things are different. Don’t know what to write today, just that I wanted to.

Things are pretty ok on the surface – I have two jobs, I do all the things I should do, I have amazing people in my life. And yet something is still not right.

I had a few months of feeling well again. It was great. I came of my meds, I felt like a real person again. I enjoyed life. I loved it.

But I’ve gone backwards a bit now. Not as bad as it has been, nowhere near, but still a step backwards hurts. Feels of failure arise, you know the drill.

But anyway, just wanted to say HELLO! And I think I am back to write again.

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx