Flat

That’s how I’d describe how I feel right now: flat.

I hate this. Everytime I think it’s all going well, it always comes and gets me. But this time I’ve been feeling pretty good most of the time for a few months instead of a few days or weeks. I was starting to think that when I get back from Germany in May, I might be able to come off my antidepressants, I was thinking it’s all in the past.

But now I just feel this massive flat emptiness again and it’s horrible. It’s a mixture of feeling lonely, sad and like there’s no point in anything. It’s a time when I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with people. Massive contradiction I know.

I just feel exhausted. Completely and utterly unable to get out of this one. It’s only been a few days, I know it will pass. I’ve been lower before, and I got through it. But it’s always hard at the time.

And I don’t have a reason for this. I just feel blah. And I feel so hopelessly bored, even though I have many things that I should or could be doing. I just don’t have the drive to do any of it – lesson plans, starting my essays for uni, even writing my year abroad blog, I just can’t get the motivation to do any of it.

I’m hoping it’ll pass fairly soon, especially with Christmas coming up. I think it’s a bit to do with stress as well – I’ve only got a week until I go home, and after that it’ll be less than a week til Christmas, and I haven’t finished my Christmas shopping, and everyone is trying to make all these plans and there’s just never enough time. I want time to just be.

Well I had that today, I’ve spent the whole day here doing nothing useful… hours of watching TV (well online catch ups) But I was meant to have plans… I was meant to meet a friend earlier, and that fell through. And I was meant to be going out tonight with some of the girls, and that fell through too… That probably added to the feeling of blahness too. Although it’s probably a good thing I’m not going out, I’m knackered as it is and haven’t even done anything!

Time for an early-ish night and hope for a better tomorrow. I’m meeting up with a friend so that should be nice, I hope I’m feeling a bit better so I can actually enjoy it!

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The populars

In every social situation there always seems to be the “popular group”. In Mean Girls, it’s the plastics, and although that’s a very exaggerated example of cliques, it represents real life quite well.

I don’t know how these groups get formed, they always do. At school, at work, and even in my group of English assistants here in Germany, and there’s only about 15 of us.

There is always a popular group. And I am never in it, and never will be either. And I don’t mind most of the time, but sometimes I feel very left out.

And alcohol always makes things worse. I went out the other night with the others, drank some wine, I was having a nice night. And then at one point I ended up on my own, and convinced myself no one cares about me or likes me. And then the drunk crying began (oh dear.)

I know I have friends that care about me, but I feel like I’m always on the edge of a group. I have a big thing about wanting everyone to like me, and that just can’t happen. I feel like other people would always rather spend time with others than me.

And the thing is, this only came out because I was drunk. But I still think it when I’m sober, I just don’t say it.

It’s this massive lack of confidence that keeps tripping me up. I’m doing well most of the time, and then these things start niggling at me, and I work myself back into this cycle of never being good enough, again.

What I would like more than anything else is to feel ok about myself. To not be disgusted by everything about me, to feel like I am good enough. So I guess that’s my aim.

Generally speaking I’m fine though, enjoying walking round excessive numbers of German Christmas markets, because why not? And in a week I’ll be going home for Christmas, to spend time with friends and family, and understand everything I hear instead of having to constantly concentrate on what’s being said, and even then only understanding some of it!!

I know December is a hard time for a lot of people here, so in the run up to Christmas and New year, I wish you all a peaceful and happy time, and hope everyone is doing ok! ♥

Lots of love,
Ellie xxx

Happy

I think this is what happy feels like.

It sneaks up on you, much like depression, and then BAM, you realise that you’ve actually got to the point that you genuinely feel happy. Not “not bad”, not “ok” but happy, actually happy.

Today not even the fact that Deutsche Bahn (German train company) are completely USELESS can bring me down today.

I was so worried about doing this year abroad, and it’s turned out to be the best thing I’ve ever done for me. I feel free here and I love it. I have a job but I like it and it’s not many hours. I am free to travel around Germany (and off to Copenhagen at the weekend) and I don’t feel stressed for the first time in I don’t know how long.

I know that I won’t always feel happy (that would be too good to be true), but that is ok. Because normal people have good days and bad days, so one bad day doesn’t mean it’s all going wrong again, just like one good day doesn’t mean everything is fixed. I am well aware of the many issues that are still under the surface, and the concoction of drugs I’m on that are helping me feel better. I know that it’s not over, I don’t know if “completely recovered” even exists, but I am doing so much better and I feel like me again.

This overly happy and cheerful post will undoubtedly be followed by a “oh wait things aren’t that great” post, but for now – I’m going to enjoy being happy, and being me (or continuing to find out who I am)

Much love,

Ellie xxx