Let me sleep

Trigger warning – maybe. Suicidal thoughts etc, read only if you’re safe.

~

I want to die, sleep forever,

I want to be finally at peace,

The pain never seems to leave me,

While I live it’s a matter of survival

Not living life to the full,

I’m trying to keep up,

To keep going through all the pain,

But I’m tired and I need a rest,

I want to sleep, sleep forever,

Then all the pain will be washed away.

If the pain could be removed,

I would like to live my life,

But surviving isn’t fun,

And somehow life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be,

And I find my thoughts wandering,

And find myself thinking over and over:

I want to die, just let me sleep.

~

I’m sick of surviving, I want to live. (Or die)

Down it Fresher!!

You may notice I probably won’t be around as much this week – posting and reading (but don’t worry I will catch up!!)

This is because it is now Freshers Week at uni. This year I am a freshers rep, meaning I have a group of freshers to look after for the week. Today was the first day, and I’m glad to report that all 5 of my freshers seem nice, even if one of them did disappear to find her Greek friends and not socialise with the rest of her flat… Hopefully she will socialise more tomorrow!

We showed them round campus and got to know them a bit today, and then had a toga party in the evening. We played ring of fire (most common drinking game that we played last year, with the usual “DOWN IT FRESHER” line used at every possible occasion!) and some of my friends (who are also freps*) brought their flats round to meet our flat, so that was all lovely! Then we went up to the bar and met more people, signed togas, drank, danced, chatted etc so seems like they had a pretty good first night.

I got home tonight,tired and a bit wound up after having to listen to drama about my housemate and friend (they used to be together but split up but may be getting back together…I think this is where the “it’s complicated” status on Facebook comes in!!) and I checked my phone. I had a text, and I was so happy when  I read what it said! It was from one of my freshers, and it said:

Hi _________, Hi __________ – just a text so you know my number. Thanks for showing us the ropes a bit tonight – think everyone’s really pleased to have you guys as our freshers reps! See you tomorrow evening – T 🙂

How cute is that?! I’m so glad that they had a good night, as it make such an impression on the rest of the week and the year!

Anyway, I’m a tired elephant now, so time to count some sheep and get some sleep!!

*I love this abbreviation for freshers reps!

Sad, Irritable, Tired, Productive, Ambitious, Fine… What am I?

Trigger warning maybe – suicidal thoughts and all that stuff

My moods are ridiculous. I want them to be normal, if such a thing exists.

If I “only” have depression, then why are my moods up and down? I don’t have a medium, I don’t have a normal “okay” level in my moods, it’s just up or down. Usually down to be honest, but that’s probably to be expected.. you’re depressed you silly elephant!!

I have written about this before (I think) and have spent countless hours searching the internet* for information which may enlighten me on this subject, but no luck yet. Here I am, again, writing about how I don’t understand my moods.

I woke up this morning disappointed. Disappointed that I had woken up. It is the first time in a few days that I have woken up thinking “I wish I was dead.” Until a few days ago, I would tell you that I have this thought practically every morning, but suddenly these thoughts were gone (not saying this is a bad thing by the way!!) and I felt optimistic, I had a feeling things were going to get better and I was going to feel well again.

Right now I feel like staying in my room all night, then all day and not seeing anyone. I want to hide in my warm comfy bed** and not come out. At the moment I do not feel like eating, even when hungry, I go to the kitchen and nothing seems appealing. Except chocolate, that’s always appealing, but anyway, back to the point…

Then there’s the other moods… I feel that everything is going to turn out well, even if I have no evidence for this. For example, sometimes I feel that I will definitely become a clinical psychologist, I will get a 1st in my degree and I will get a place on a clinical psychology doctorate (despite the fact that there are only about 500 places a year in the UK, and only about 20ish% of applicants are successful) because I can and I’m better than others. That is irrational, and probably expecting too much of myself. I feel like I want to do everything – my mind fills with all these ideas of things I want to accomplish, and I want to do it all – right now! I take on extra stuff, I clean stuff*** and my mind is all over the place.

Sometimes I make decisions on a whim. For most people this wouldn’t be unusual, but I am known for being ridiculously indecisive… I have issues choosing which drink to order at a bar or what food to order at a restaurant, so you can only imagine how long I umed and arred over important things like university courses! I wanted to do English at uni, then one day I just decided nope – I’ll do psychology. I got to Lancaster, wanting to do Creative writing as my minor subject, couldn’t do it, so just suddenly thought – oh I know, I’ll do German. Then somehow, after my first year, I had ended up going from being a Bsc Psychology student to a Ba German studies and Psychology student…I still can’t tell you why this has happened, but it was one of those “why not” decisions…

I cannot concentrate. Reading a book is difficult, which is unusual because I’m generally a fast reader, but I end up reading the same thing over and over. I can’t stay still, I have to be doing something. I get the urge to exercise too, which is probably a good thing except that it’s never a convenient time. It’ll be about 3am and I’ll suddenly feel like going for a run…what is going on in this elephant’s mind?!

Then there’s the grumpy/irritable mood. I get so angry sometimes. Over nothing usually. I feel sorry for my boyfriend as he seems to get most of this, I’ll be completely fine**** and then I’ll start stressing and getting wound up over stupid things. I’ll get irrationally angry over something, like if he does something which is different to the way I’d have done it, I get irritable. I get in a mood over nothing, if he’s texting on his phone for example, I’ll suddenly get the urge to grab his phone and throw it out of the window! (I don’t though – you’ll be pleased to know!) In fact, boyfriend doesn’t know this but I did once throw ex’s phone out of the window when I was (probably irrationally) angry about something. I am generally an understanding and caring person, but when the irritable mood appears, I get wound up by other people incredibly easily. For example today one of my friends was being really negative about being fresher reps, and worrying about it, and I was getting wound up… I just wanted to shout at her, and tell her to SHUT THE HELL UP. I wanted to go off on a rant about how she is always so bloody negative and worries over stupid things!***** I wanted to tell her to stop acting like she has it so hard, because I know for a fact that she’s never had to deal with suicidal thoughts or anything of the sort. She has it so good, I wanted to tell her, she needs to shut up and enjoy life instead of bloody moaning all the time!!!! Thankfully, I did not unleash this rant upon my friend. It would’ve had bad consequences, as she is actually my best friend at uni, who I am living with, being a fresher rep with and get on really well with. That’s the thing, my thoughts were irrational here… she wasn’t complaining about her life, she was just worrying about being a freshers rep, and somehow my brain got VERY ANGRY with her when she hadn’t actually done anything wrong.

This has turned into another ranty post – sorry about that! It was not the original plan, but ho hum, it’s what my brain came up with. I’m trying to empty my brain so I can get to sleep, as it tends to fill itself with millions of different thoughts, just when I try to sleep!

I don’t think I’m bipolar, however I do think there is something else as well or combined with the depression. I don’t think these mood swings are “normal” but so far I haven’t managed to find out what it could be, and doctors don’t seem to be bothered about it, which makes it all the more confusing!

Urgh. I can’t think straight!!

Maybe I’ve just gone mad!

 

*I know the internet is not a valid source of medical knowledge, however it does have a lot of information about symptoms, diagnoses etc. But don’t worry, I do not take what the internet tells me as gospel! 😛

**This is a lie…my bed is very uncomfortable at the moment, I need a new mattress. I have told the landlord this, so hopefully soon I’ll get a comfy mattress!

***This is unusual – I’m a messy person so going on a cleaning spree is definitely out of the ordinary!

****Fine here means my “normal” behaviour.

***** Oh my God…I’m literally describing myself here (worrying, negativity..) I’m such a hypocritical bitch :/

Paranoia

Paranoia* seems to follow me around.

Everything that happens I’m paranoid something will go wrong.

People make me paranoid too – do they hate me? Are they talking about me behind my back?

Are my friends really my friends? Will they keep my secrets?

People are laughing…they must be laughing at me…Are they laughing at me? Are they embarrassed to be seen with me?

Are they going to let me down? Do they care?

Does my boyfriend love me? Or is he only with me because he feels sorry for me? Is he going to leave me?

GO AWAY YOU NASTY PARANOID THOUGHTS! YOU ARE NOT WANTED OR NEEDED HERE!!!

I often think that people talk about me, laugh at me and generally dislike me. I have no evidence for this, it’s all purely based on paranoid twisted thoughts in my mind.

The worst thing is, even though I know that I’m paranoid about these things, I still think at least some of these paranoid thoughts are true…

*This is a strange looking word. I keep looking at it and think I’ve spelled it wrong, but I haven’t (I don’t think – no red wiggly line!) it just has a lot of vowels in.

Letter writing challenge – 21

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Dear Owl*,

I am very sorry to be writing this, and incredibly embarrassed. I am a pretty openminded person generally, however I have to admit that initially I did “judge a book by its cover” in your case.

I met you on my first day of university – you were (and still are) one of my housemates. When I saw you walk in with your (dyed) blonde straightened hair and branded clothing, and a mum who seemed to do everything you wanted, I did think we would be unlikely to get on, and that you would be studying something that wasn’t academic, and that you would be incredibly spoilr.

This sounds so shallow and nasty, but the letter challenge told me to write this. The truth is the world is based on first impressions and people judge – rightly or wrongly based on these. Within a few hours of knowing you I discovered that you study Computer Science… COMPUTER SCIENCE? I was very surprised, I did not expect someone like yourself to study this subject, and (again I am embarrassed to admit) I expected computer science students to be very geeky and not very sociable… I know that this is an unfair stereotype. After a year of knowing you, and having met some of your comsci friends, I know that the stereotype is not true, and will try in future not to make these stupid prejudgments!

I have found that although you are into your make up, fashion and shows such as Made in Chelsea and Geordie Shore, you are also pretty intelligent, and a very lovely person! I am so glad that in this case my first impression was wrong, and we do get along. In fact we are now living together again (having chosen who we live with this time!) and I couldn’t be happier that I’m living with you, footballer and geog!**

I have found that at times you can act spoilt, but I guess a lot of people are at times, and you are an only child so I guess it’s not that surprising. This year (so far – it’s only been a week) I feel that you’ve grown up anyway, you are being more cautious with money (well…except the shopping) but you’re not expecting people to do stuff for you or asking mummy and daddy for everything like I had initally suspected. Well, I’ll put my hands up…I was wrong. And for once, I’m glad I’m wrong.

Truth be told, I was expecting you to be more like H. She is also blonde hair, lots of make up and computer science, however she lacks the intelligence you have, and has a shallow personality too. She’s one of those barbie girls. I know you’re friends with her, although even you are becoming annoyed with her at times! For example expecting to go on that holiday for free!!*** Anyway, that’s off topic – back to the point!!

I’m sorry I judged you based on appearances and first impressions. I wonder if you did too. I wonder what people’s first impressions of me are…

Lots of love,

Ellie**** xx

The moral of the story is the typical “don’t judge a book by its cover”, but also sometimes you will find your first impressions were completely wrong, and you may just end up living with someone you thought you wouldn’t like!!

 

*Owl shall be added to my “who I write about” page soon! And her name is because she likes owls – duh! 😛

**Geog shall also be added to the list, although hopefully with a better name!!

*** L and W (2 of H’s housemates) were in a relationship and booked a holiday together, before the holiday they split up, so obviously didn’t want to go together… awkward whale!! So H wanted to go with L instead, however expected W to pay for her to go anyway, as it was just going to waste otherwise!! Cannot believe this girl!

****I have decided I shall now just use Ellie as my name on here (Thanks to Bourbon for this! :D) and I hope Wee Gee doesn’t mind me using her asterisks…they’re very useful! 😛

Rant – beware!!

I’m so disorganised.

Useless.

There’s so much stuff to do, and I keep forgetting things.

I still haven’t written about that stupid psychiatrists appointment and it was (nearly) a whole week ago!! ARghh..

There’s been a lot going on this week. My other 3 house mates are now all here, and we had a visit from some of our housemates from last year (we lived in a group of 12 last year)

I embarrassingly still have not fully finished unpacking, although I think everyone else (who arrived yesterday and today) has already finished! What a failure!

I never knew I was such a procrastinator.

This probably isn’t making much sense. I’m just typing. I’m typing all my jumbled thoughts.

I’m absolutely knackered. Been aching all day too. Yuck.

I bet I won’t be able to sleep later on though. Urgh. Typical.

Stop trying to predict the future. Why can’t you just let things happen? Maybe then you’d feel more positive because you wouldn’t be thinking all these bad things are going to happen!

And BLOODY DOCTOR O. WHAT A USELESS MAN!!! At the beginning of the summer holidays I rang the doctors in Lancaster and made a phone appointment with DR O. He rang me as planned at the agreed time, and he agreed to put through a referral to the mental health team in Lancaster. I was glad to get that sorted, and thought – by the time I’m back in Lancaster, it will come through so I’ll get some (much needed) help!! Sadly this was not to be.

I went to the doctor today and asked about the referral. It had indeed been sent off. And a letter had been sent out from the mental health team to me… did I receive this letter? No. No I did not. Why not? (I hear you ask) Because readers, despite me telling Dr O several times, and double and triple checking this, he had put my uni address on the referral and not my home address.

For anyone who is not familiar with the system in the UK, there is an opt-in system, which means if you get referred for mental health stuff, they send you a letter and you have to ring to confirm your attendance. If you do not ring them, you are discharged from them. This means that despite my efforts, I am now back in Lancaster, with no appointment with the local mental health team, and back to the bottom of the waiting list.

Thanks Doctor O, thanks very much! LFHM:GHULGOolaphdphusuphG\AH I am so annoyed about this!!!!!

Anyway enough of this rant, I am so tired I can’t type or read properly, but I bet I won’t be able to sleep.

URGH. Meh.

Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully one with less stresses. Yeah right.. the freshers are arriving soon! EEEK!

Good night wordpress, and sorry for the rant, hopefully a more sane Ellie will be back tomorrow.

Oh yeah. AND I’m not doing well with those 30 days things… missed so many days already. MEH will try and catch up when I have time… Time is something I never seem to have enough of. I want a time turner like in Harry Potter (Hermione, HP 3) that would be amazing!

ENOUGH RAMBLING WOMAN! SHHHH and go to sleep!!

Coping with depression (whilst being a student)

The new university year is about to begin. This means in just under a week, a whole herd* of Freshers will be invading Lancaster University (and universities across the world) to start a new chapter in their lives. My thoughts have turned to university life, and making plans of how on earth I am going to cope this year.

Being a second year at LU** means I do not live on campus anymore. This means earlier starts, later finishes and a completely different way of living compared to my first year. But that’s okay – change can be good! I just have to work out what the best ways of dealing with things are.

I hope this post might be useful for other students who are suffering with depression and/or anxiety, but everyone’s different, so I’d love to hear your ideas too!!

Freshers week – I may have taken on too much here. I have signed up to be a fresher’s rep with my friend (footballer) which essentially means I have to look after a group of 12 excited/homesick/drunk/hungover/scared freshers for a week. That in itself could potentially be a problem, however I think I can deal with the day to day stuff like showing people round campus and answering questions. I might have taken on too much because I have come to the realisation that I will have to go out NINE NIGHTS IN A ROW. That is insane!! However I have a way to deal with this: Firstly – I will not drink (at least excessively) on every night, maybe just on a couple. Secondly – If I feel like I want to leave during a night out, as long as it is after we have reached our final destination (eg. bar/club) I will go home. There is no point in me staying if I feel like poo – it will only ruin other peoples’ night anyway. Thirdly – I will try and enjoy it as much as possible, and try and banish these negative fortunes which I seem to predict for myself!! And finally – I will try and look after myself. This means eating proper, decent meals (including healthy food!!) and getting enough (or as much as possible) sleep.
The Course – Obviously this will be harder this year (there wouldn’t be any point otherwise!) I will try to be more organised in my work. This can be difficult when I have a lack of motivation, however I will try and create (and stick to) a routine. This means doing work when I get it, rather than leaving it to the last minute (resulting in panic!) I am also planning to study with friends on my courses, as it makes it easier to concentrate, and means we can help each other when we get stuck. Another important point is that if I am struggling, I will try to admit it. I will speak to my course directors if necessary, so that they are aware of my situation. This means I may be allowed extensions for essays (if I need them) and that they will take my depression into consideration when looking at grades and attendance. (Note: I do not want to ask for this extra consideration unless I really really need to because I don’t want to use my depression as an excuse.)

Friends – I am not too worried about this, but it can be difficult for people with depression or anxiety (or people in general!) I find that having a few close friends is much easier and nicer than trying to be friends with everyone. I’m not saying be horrible to other people, but don’t worry if you are not “best buddies” with everyone! I have a good collection of friends here – some from my psychology, some from my german, some from my college and some from societies. This creates a nice mix, and means that generally there is always someone to hang out with if I’m feeling lonely. In terms of friends knowing about my depression, my housemates (obviously) know, as it would be almost impossible to miss when I’m in a down period! Some other close friends are aware of the depression/anxiety, but generally most of my friends either don’t know anything about it or only know that I have depression and anxiety – not any further detail. Sometimes it can be helpful having friends that are aware of your circumstances because then you have someone to talk to, and your behaviour is explained. Some people choose not to tell anyone, and that is fine too, although it then means you have to deal with everything by yourself which is difficult (and not always possible.)

Being away from home – Last year was difficult at times as it was the first time I had been away from home for longer than about 10 days. Skype and phones are my saviours!! Also the 16 – 25 railcard was fantastic as it meant I could afford to go home sometimes, which can mean a well needed break from university life. Most people will be homesick at some point, so there will always be someone to talk to who will understand if you are missing home, especially in first year. I am very lucky that I have 3 fantastically lovely housemates who are all very understanding and good to talk to.

General Stuff – I’ve found that surrounding myself with familiar stuff helps to keep me calm, for example my room walls are now covered in photos and cards etc, and the surfaces in my room are home to many different objects (including many elephants and Bob) which hold memories or are things I like. Having such a positive environment around me in my room helps me to feel more positive, and the photos document happy times in my life, thus reminding me of the good time and why life is worth living! Above everything else I’ve said, I think the most important thing is not to completely isolate yourself. It is easy at times to hide away in your room for days on end, not attend uni, not see friends etc, but this will make things worse. By keeping busy I find that I don’t have so much time to ruminate my thoughts, and also I try to allow myself to be myself (especially around people I trust) because keeping a mask on 24/7 is incredibly draining and not a very pleasant experience.

I would like to wish all students good luck in their new academic year, and hope it brings everyone successes and happiness! I will be keeping you all updated with my own university experience and would love to hear about other people’s experiences too!

*I told you like I this word as a collective noun

**Lancaster University

Me vs my brain

I just want to be normal, I want to sort myself out. Why can’t I snap out of this? I am fine.

Stop pretending you need help. Stop trying to make people feel sorry for you. You don’t deserve their pity, their love or comfort, there’s a reason you feel like you do – you are weak.

I’m trying. I’m trying to be ok. I want to be ok. I try to keep a mask on but it’s getting worn out. People are starting to see through it, and I can’t hide anymore. It’s too much, it’s all just too difficult. I’m too tired.

Don’t be so lazy. You are always complaining when other people have it so much worse than you. Just get over it. It’s not hard to function in your boring everyday life is it? It’s not like you have anything special or difficult to do… Your life is just like you, unremarkable. You need to pull yourself together or it will always be like that, you’ll be a nobody, a laughingstock like always. Just like you deserve.

WHY do you haunt me like this? If you would leave my mind maybe I would be okay. Maybe I wouldn’t feel like this about myself and my life. You always put me down. You always make me feel sad, lonely, useless. You give me horrible flashbacks and keep painful memories close by just to crush my spirits. Why do you do this to me? We are supposed to work together, not be enemies.

I just give you what you deserve. You are worthless, you are useless and you’ll never make anything of yourself. People will always look down on you and they will never treat you as equals. Do you know why? Because you are lower than them – you are not their equal. The memories I show you are to remind you what you are. It was your fault these things happened, you should’ve been stronger. You should’ve stopped things going wrong yourself. 

All I want in the whole world is to be happy. Can you just give me a break? I try my best, why is it never ever good enough? Everything is measured based on my academics, that’s not all life is. Why can’t I just be myself, why do I constantly have to strive to be better? To strive to a perfection which probably doesn’t exist?

You are not good enough. You never will be. Academic success is all you’ve ever had, you can’t let it go now.. then you really would be a failure. Just like everyone expects. Why do you think people treat you like they do? It’s because you are a failure, a weak pathetic failure.

Make it stop. Please make it stop.

WordPress issues!

Just wanted to let everyone know…

I’m having WordPress issues!!

The notifications page will not load (have tried on different browsers and restarting my laptop!!) so sadly, I am currently unable to read and reply to comments. And also some stuff in my reader is being irritable and not loading properly :/ Is anyone else having this problem??

I’m still here though, and hoping this problem will be solved soon!

Later today I am planning to do a 30 days challenge, and finally write about that appointment with my psychiatrist – stay tuned! 😛