Long distance

Sometimes long distance relationships can be really hard. Recently things have not been great with S and I, and this was definitely not helped by the distance and the time difference (even though it’s only one hour, it makes a difference when he works into the evenings.)

But he came to visit for a few days and I was really nervous. I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to fix the problems that had developed, I was worried that it was going to be over. And I knew that if we split up, things would never be the same again. I mean, we could be friends, but we’d never have the friendship we had before our relationship, and I would miss that a lot.

So we talked. And we listened to each other. It sounds simple but sometimes people forget to communicate properly, and then it gets to the point that you only hear what you expect to hear, and you interpret it in ways that aren’t always right.

So we talked, we explained what had been going on. I explained that I’m lonely here, that no one from home seems to have time for me anymore, and that I don’t know many people here. He saw my town, and that there’s really not a lot to do here. And he explained that he needs some space, and it feels like I’m always nagging him and waiting for him to reply. It’s difficult because in England we phone each other a lot, for example he often rings me on the way to or from work, whereas now we can’t phone because it would cost too much. We use Whatsapp to text, but it’s not the same, and often arguments are caused by misunderstandings about texts… you can’t convey tone, sarcasm etc over text message.

I think we just expected it to work. It was fine when I was in Lancaster, so why wouldn’t it be when I’m in Germany? I’m still away, no difference. But there is a difference, and it’s harder than we expected. And it needs work, we can’t just bob along without putting effort into it.

I feel so much better now that we’ve talked about everything and sorted things out. I had such a lovely few days with S, going to see different things (including Christmas markets which are always fun!!) and it was like none of the arguments had happened. I feel like he does love me, and that is a pretty big step, as before I always felt like it wasn’t true.

Basically, things were bad, and now they’re good. I hope we’ll be better at keeping things good now, because I’ve still got quite a few months left out here. I will be home for Christmas, but then probably not again until Easter.

Since S went home, I haven’t been sleeping as well. I think I feel safe when I sleep next to him because he always hugs me, and now I’m on my own again I’m missing that. Had some horrible nightmares too, relating to the ex. Hopefully it’ll all die down soon, because I don’t want to have to deal with nightmares and sleepless nights, I’ve got a life to live here!!

Now off to do some German work about the passive tense… Lucky me!

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

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No words

I want to write but I don’t know what to write. I am feeling very low, on edge. It’s like being in limbo. S is coming to Germany tomorrow so we’ll see what happens. Random memories pop into my mind. LEAVE ME ALONE. There’s so much to say but there’s no words.

So instead I’ll post a video of something else I have “no words” for (even if it’s in a completely different way.)

All I have to say about that is WHAT?!

So tired

Constantly. So tired.

It’s been like this for a long time. I can’t even remember NOT being tired. But some days I’m completely knackered, like today. An early night is needed I think.

I asked at the doctors if there’s anything they can do about constant tiredness. She said 9 times out of 10 it’s something psychological rather than physical so there’s probably not a lot they can do. She said I can have a blood test to check, but it’s unlikely that there’s a chemical/physical cause. I’ve already been checked for anaemia and I didn’t have it last time, so I doubt I’ve developed it now.

But it’s mentally draining, being tired all the time. I never feel like I’m functioning the way I could if I wasn’t tired. But no amount of sleep seems to help. I kind of expected that once I started feeling better (like I have been over the last few months), this constant tiredness would go away. But no, of course not. I want to be able to live to my full potential, instead of being a walking zombie all the time!

Oh – and don’t even get me started on the dark circles under my eyes. They are horrible. And very dark. My dad always calls it “panda eyes”, and yes I definitely do have panda eyes – no amount of concealer can hide them! I’m very self-conscious about this too, but there’s not a lot I can do except put concealer on and hope for the best.

I’ve just had a thought, and I’m fairly sure this is quite a repetitive post, I’m sure I’ve written about this before. But I’m STILL tired, so I’m writing about it again.

It’s not too bad though – at least I can sleep, even if it doesn’t stop me being tired. In the months where I couldn’t sleep properly, it was HORRIBLE. I dread to think how hard it must be for people with insomnia. The feeling of being so tired, and wanting to sleep, and not being able to is so frustrating. I can remember getting really wound up and angry with myself for not being able to sleep, but of course that only makes the problem worse because when you’re stressed, you can’t sleep. Nasty cycle.

It would be great, really really great, if I could get a good night’s sleep. And by that I mean sleeping all the way through the night, no waking up, no nightmares, no screaming, crying or any of that strange stuff. Wouldn’t it be lovely…

Pondering

What if it’s turning toxic like before?

All I hear is “you’re not good enough” and “no one wants you” but I’m the only one saying it, to myself.

All the anger is still there and it gets taken out on others. It’s not fair.

This anger has to be dealt with. But how? Turning the anger on myself just exhausts me and I still can’t let it out the right way. I’m so angry all the time. It’s got to come out somehow. But safely. Somehow…

Imagine if people had to deal with the consequences of their actions, maybe then they wouldn’t be so evil. Maybe then they’d see what they are doing.

If you say something enough times it might become true. What if that’s true. Stop pushing him away.

But he’s not safe. Never safe.

No one is safe.

I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with people either.

Feeling pretty gloomy.

 

I need to be more independent but I can’t do it. How do I do it?

After a long time of relying on people, the idea seems so crazy.

 

I want to help other people but I know I need to fix myself first.

Fix because I’m broken.

I don’t know how to be normal. I don’t know how to stop this whole thing.

There are so many things I want(ed) to do in life… now I just want to be happy.

Shame it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I’m so tired of fighting

Chasing dreams

I know what I want to do with my life. I know how to get there, but it’s going to be hard. And I don’t know if I can do it.

I want to be a clinical psychologist, which means once I graduate I need to get 1 – 2 years of relevant work experience, and then apply to do a doctorate in clinical psychology which takes 3 years. There are only about 500 places a year in the UK, one university alone (which has 24 places) had 650+ applications last year… And then if I make it onto the course, I’ve got to get through the course, which normally has 5 or 6 placements, plus a research project, and then obviously you have to pass everything.

But what if I can’t do it? What if I’m not good enough? Or what if I’m not strong enough? What if my own issues (depression, anxiety etc) get in the way? How many attempts do you give it before you give up and do something else?

I’ve been thinking recently maybe I should take an easier option. I’ve always thought about being a primary school teacher. It’s not really what I want to do, but I know I could do it – I guess I’ve seen it as a backup plan. I like working with kids and in a primary school there’s nothing too hard to teach, I can be creative, and primary school involves a lot of art/creative stuff. I’d quite like to be a primary school teacher I think, long holidays, working with kids, getting to make a difference to people’s lives. But it’s not the thing that I really want, it’s not where my passion really lies. But it would be easier. Because we always need more teachers, there’s always places going – especially as I’ll have a language, and psychology which involves a lot of knowledge about development of learning etc.

What would you do?

Strive for something you want but might never achieve, and might struggle with due to personal issues? Or go for something that would be ok, but easier?

I’m normally full of fight but lately I’m wondering if it’s really worth it. Only the best can make it into clinical psychology, and I’ve spent my whole life trying to be the best, but I’m not. Maybe it’s just setting me up for failure. Damn perfectionism. Of course I want the most competitive thing.

It’s strange. I’d like to go down both paths and see how they are, but of course I can’t. I’ll have to decide.

Just as a side note, I am in no way saying that a teacher’s job is easy or shouldn’t be valued. I think teachers are amazing, I’ve seen the work that goes into that job (my mum was a teacher) and I know that it wouldn’t be easy. But the entry route to teaching is easier, that’s all I mean by this post. I think maybe one day I’d like to be a teacher, but the thing I’m actually really really interested in is psychology, and especially mental health.

And another thing I’ve noticed… Although the careers of teachers and psychologists have a lot of differences, I have realised that there is a big thing in common – both aim to make a difference, to change people’s lives. And also, both would have the opportunity to work with children. I think I need a job where I’m helping people, I’m definitely the sort of person that will be in the job for the people rather than the money!

This Blog

I started this blog when things were bad, I was feeling low. I posted quite frequently, and built up a network of blogs which I read everyday. It helped me feel better when I felt low, and helped me get some perspective from people who really understood. But now I’m too busy to spend all these hours on WordPress. I still read the blogs that I follow, but sometimes it takes me a while to get to posts. Sometimes I don’t read every single post, sometimes I miss things. And I’m sorry about that, but I am still here, I’m still listening (reading.)

Now I don’t feel like writing that much. I feel like I don’t have a lot to say most of the time, which is to say I don’t have that much to complain about at the moment. It’s a good thing, but I don’t want to stop this blog. But it doesn’t really do anything anymore. I keep saying I’ll do this and I’ll do that, but I always procrastinate my way through things, so it takes a long time for any of it to happen.

So I’m just saying – I’m still here, but not as much. Just bare with me. I know there aren’t that many that read my blog anymore anyway, but for those who do, thank you for being there, it means a lot. Maybe when I have some time I’ll have more to say, maybe once I get on with this mindfulness (if I ever get round to it) then I’ll have more to say.

I don’t want to just disappear, but I don’t want to keep writing posts like this which just say that I don’t know what to say.