A year ago yesterday (3rd August 2012) I started this blog, with a short and simple post. Since then I’ve written 288 posts, finished my second year of uni with a first, made the decision to go on a year abroad, changed medication several times, changed doctor several times, had CBT, taken up rock climbing, accumulated more elephant-related stuff (a key feature of any Christmas or birthday for me!), met lots of lovely bloggy friends here on wordpress, acquired a blog nickname* cried a lot, laughed a lot…. The list goes on. A lot happens in a year.
I am not sure whether I thought my blog would last this long when I started. Looking back at my early posts, I wrote a lot less about me at the beginning. I posted poems and quotes, rather than using my blog in a diary-esque way. I have changed the style of my blog a lot since then, I can’t remember the last time I posted a poem now! But I think it’s because I’ve become more comfortable here, and I also find it quite helpful to write things down when they happen, and feelings when I feel them. It’s therapeutic, and it lets it out.
This time last year I was very depressed and anxious. I am still depressed and anxious, but things have improved a lot. The current medication appears to be doing something useful (which makes a nice change from the other 5 or 6!) and the CBT and mindfulness were definitely helpful. I’ve also had a lot of support – from S, from friends, from family, but also from my wordpress friends. It really means a lot to read your comments, and it is nice to be in a “place” where other people understand, and you don’t get the responses that you would sometimes get from people in real life who don’t get it (for example: “why don’t you just cheer up?!” Is not helpful!)
So things are still up and down, I still have bad days and my normal days are probably not as happy as a “normal” person, but it’s progress. And today at one point at work, while sitting at a till chatting to a customer, I suddenly thought I feel a bit more like me today! And then I realised that this is progress – I don’t feel like me very often, especially when I’m feeling very low, but little by little** there will be more times when I feel like me and less times that I don’t. It takes time and patience and hard work, but I’ve learnt that this year, and I’m ok with it.
Last year I wanted to be better right NOW! I wanted to flick a switch and fix everything just like that. But time has taught me that is not going to happen. Recovery is not a destination, it’s a journey, a long journey. And it’s hard sometimes, but I’m not alone and I can (and I will) do it!
So happy birthday to my blog, and thank you to all my lovely readers. It’s been a hell of a year (for good and bad reasons) but we did it – now onto the next year!
Lots of love,
*Ellie of course!
**got the song in my head now!