Intrusive thoughts and distractions

Trigger warning: this post talks about vomiting, self-harm and suicidal thoughts.






This is a hard post to write because I haven’t said (or typed) this to anyone.

I think intrusive thoughts are quite common in many different mental health conditions, but lately I’ve been experiencing a new one.

Every time I eat, I can’t stop thinking about making myself throw up. I haven’t acted on the thoughts but it feels like it’s getting stronger. I know that it can quite easily become addictive, a form of self-harm I guess.

It seems like a strange thing to worry about because I haven’t actually done it but sometimes intrusive thoughts become so intrusive that you end up acting on them.

I am still experiencing quite strong urges to cut myself at times. I haven’t acted on those thoughts since NYE, but the scars on my leg remind me every day. Actually it’s probably the scars on my leg that have stopped me. I remember how fleeting the relief was, and how guilty and bad I felt afterwards, and then I do something, anything to distract myself.

That’s how I’m currently managing the thoughts about making myself sick. The problem is that every time I eat I feel sick at the moment. I am struggling to eat properly, and then sometimes I just eat a load of crap, and then afterwards I feel bad. A lot of distraction is needed.

The more I’m typing this the more I’m concerned about my current relationship with food. Things are particularly bad at the moment as I’m really struggling with managing my wellbeing; I am stressed at work and I am still feeling awful about S, he has a new girlfriend and that is really hard. Every instinct tells me to harm myself in some way, that I don’t deserve to be happy, that I am a bad person, that I am fat.

The intrusive suicidal thoughts are hard too. When I am experiencing that, everywhere I go I see potential methods of suicide. I fixate on how I could end my life, where, when, how. To bring myself down from those, I try to think about my friends and family, all the positives in my life. I say to myself “not today”, and that keeps me safe. Once I am out of that dark place, I can’t imagine how I thought that way, but I slip in and out of these thoughts quite easily.

In CBT last week, I had to fill in THAT BLOODY FORM (PHQ 9 and GAD 7 – measures of depression and anxiety). I put “several days” for the question on “thoughts that you would be better off dead or of harming yourself in some way”, so my therapist asked about it. I was honest and said I sometimes get thoughts about self-harm and Suicide but I don’t have plans to act on them. She looked back at my first form from before Christmas and I had put the same, “several days”, but in reality it should’ve been “nearly every day”. I wasn’t honest on the first one because I was worried I wouldn’t be allowed the CBT. I should probably tell her that next time.

I keep writing these long rambling posts which were not what I intended to write when I first started typing, but it’s probably good to get it out. Anyway, back to the topic – intrusive thoughts and distractions.

I have been managing to avoid the behaviours by distraction. I am getting better at texting friends if I am struggling (not necessarily about how I am feeling) or going downstairs to spend time with my family and dog, and that can help sometimes.

My other favourite distractions are YouTube videos, reading fiction, colouring, my bullet journal and my mindfulness meditation app (I’m up to 155 days in a row!) Another thing that can really help is writing – either in my journal or here on my blog. Sometimes letting it out is the most healing thing.

I hope my ideas might help others a bit. What distractions do you use when you are struggling with intrusive thoughts?




Dark place

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts + self harm

I find myself in a very dark place. Everything that has happened these last few months has taken its toll. The work related stress, the fibro diagnosis, the break up, my grandma passing away… And even before any of that, my mood was creeping lower, after the 6 month period of being relatively stable. I feel guilty that the main thing on my mind is the break up. I desperately miss S, he is ignoring all contact with me, it hurts.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I can mostly put on a front when I’m out, when with friends or at work. At home the barriers are down, which to me indicate things are even worse… I am bursting into tears frequently. I told my parents I can’t cope. I’m a mess.

Although I’ve had thoughts of self-harm and suicide on and off for years, for the first time in years, I took a knife to my skin a couple of weeks ago and again today. It’s quite blunt so it doesn’t cut properly, more of a scratch, to make it sting. No danger, no drama.

The suicidal thoughts are scaring me now. They are getting more and more frequent and I find myself starting to make plans. If there was a way that I could do it without hurting others, I’d be gone. But there isn’t. That’s what I have to remind myself.

I’m in a dark place and I don’t know how to get out. I just need to try and stay safe for now, that’s the best I can do.


Ellie xx

These thoughts are not normal 

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts and ideas 
At work I discovered that my thoughts are not normal. For a long time I’ve had these kind of thoughts… whenever there is a potential thing that could harm/kill me, I think about it, like:

When I am waiting on the platform for a tube/train, my brain goes “I could just jump in front of it”

Or when there’s a car speeding down the road and I’m on the pavement, “I could just step out”

Or a bridge, “I could jump off it”

Or when my psychiatrist mentioned that certain drugs aren’t used much now because they are potent as an overdose “I’ve got loads at home, I could take it all”

You get the picture…

And I’ve been living with these thoughts for a long time, so long that it has become “normal” to me. It’s horrible actually, because the thoughts are really intrusive, overpowering and they steal all of my attention at that time. 

But these aren’t really suicidal thoughts as such, are they? I have them too, but these are more like things that I could do, rather than me wanting to do them.

Anyway, so a client described these thoughts to me at work yesterday, and I thought shit! I have thoughts like that. That is not normal, not safe, not good!

Somehow hearing it out loud from someone else made me realise that it may be my normal, but it’s not “normal”.

Stay safe lovely readers! Just to clarify, I am in no way planning to act on any of these thoughts, this post is just reflecting on them/the situation. 

Love, ellie xx


This morning I sat in front of a GP and told them how crap I feel. I told her I’m exhausted and I don’t know how to keep going. I told her I feel like I’m going to fall asleep all the time. I told her I feel suicidal again. 

She said “go to A&E if you feel suicidal”

I am so angry. What a load of crap. That is all you have for me? I work in mental health, I know how this goes. If I went to A&E (which I won’t), I would sit for hours, eventually see someone and say I feel suicidal, they would ask if I have acted on it, I would say no, and they’d send me home and we would both feel that our time has been wasted. 

Such bullshit. 

She talked about prescribing some antidepressants and I said I didn’t mind but wasn’t sure what to try as I’ve had so many. She said we would start again with the most common ones. What the hell? Oh I see this medication didn’t work for you last time so let’s try it again??? And then she didn’t even prescribe anything. 

I told her that I have been told I’m too unwell for IAPT and not unwell enough for the mental health team. Why is there this ridiculous gap? This is why I have to pay for private therapy. 

Not a happy Ellie today. I feel let down by our NHS. I felt rushed to get out of the door. She didn’t help, it made me feel worse. 

Rant over xx

When is it a crisis?

The NHS have “crisis teams” which you can call/go and see if you are having a crisis.

But what is a crisis?

My doctor once said if things get any worse I should call them.

How are you meant to know whether you should call or not?

I don’t want to waste their time. Even at my lowest points, all I could think was: This is not a crisis. There are people who need the help more than me. I’d just be wasting their time. They would be angry with me for wasting their time. I’m not worth their help anyway. And what could they possibly do to help??

So I didn’t call them.

This all got me thinking, what is a crisis? What are the NHS Crisis teams for?

So I consulted Mind’s website –

And this is what it says about crises:

Mental health crises include:

  • suicidal behaviour or intention
  • panic attacks/extreme anxiety
  • psychotic episodes (loss of sense of reality, hallucinations, hearing voices)
  • other behaviour that seems out of control or irrational and that is likely to endanger yourself or others.

And who can help in a crisis?

Crisis Resolution and Home Treatment (CRHT) teams

  • usually includes a psychiatrist, mental health nurses, social workers and support workers.

Community Mental Health Teams (CMHTs) are teams of mental health professionals who support people with ongoing mental health problems living in the community.

~ ~ ~

But this still doesn’t really answer my question: When is a crisis a crisis?!

And back down again…

**Trigger Warning – Suicidal Thoughts**

Today has not been good.

I got up (just about) and got to my 9am lecture. It was boring as hell (statistics) but I made it. Then I went to my lab, where we had to listen to her lecture for 3 hours!! Again, boring, but I made it.

I went to the doctors. I was sitting in the waiting room. There were lots of babies and young children. That was a trigger in itself. And then when some of the babies cried, I started crying too. Too many painful memories. Too many “what if”s…

By the time I got to see my doctor (over 20 minutes late) I was feeling really really rubbish.

When she asked me how I was getting in, that was it – I was off, in floods of tears (again).

I told her I’m frustrated because nothing is helping. How my mood is all over the place and is so unpredictable. About not being able to concentrate and feeling worse because of my weight. About just feeling awful.

She asked if I have people I can talk to. I do, but I don’t want to. I don’t want people knowing just how bad it is. Then they would worry. So I drip information. Different things to different people so no one knows the extent of it.

I told her I don’t want to do this anymore and I can’t see an end to this. She said that things will get better in time. I’ve given it a year and a half, and things are getting arguably worse.

I can’t tell people, my doctor included what I think about. They will just worry and I’m not worth worrying about. I can’t stop thinking about dying. Ways to die.

Everytime I see a speeding car, I’m so tempted. Seeing the frozen canal… so tempted. The tablets, the knife….

But don’t worry. Because I’m “low risk”. This is because I don’t want to hurt my friends and family. I don’t want them to have to go through my pain. So just for them, I’m still here.

But the real truth is. If it didn’t affect anyone else, I’d be dead by now. All I cling on to, all that is keeping me safe is that I don’t want to cause other people pain.

Why can’t I look after myself?

I just want something to stop the pain.

All productivity for today has gone out of the window. I’m in bed, pajamas on, stuffing my fat face with chocolate raisins and probably going to have a sleep after this.

I can’t do my work. I have so much stuff to do and I can’t do any of it.

Am I just lazy? Why can’t I do what everyone else can do?

I’m sick of getting extensions for my work. Do you really think an extra week is going to help me? No it isn’t. It’s more time, but the work is still not going to be any good. Not compared to how I could do, if I was feeling good.

I’m drowning in despair and I can’t see a way out. What am I going to do?

I’m going to let everyone down. I have a social tomorrow for the society, I don’t want to go. I have work to do; I don’t want to do it. I have lectures and seminars, and I don’t want to go. I just want this all to end. Too much pain here.

And all of this triggered from seeing a couple of babies.

I’m pathetic. I want to give up but I don’t have the guts. How pathetic is that?

Cold air **TW**

**Trigger warning (suicidal thoughts)**

It’s amazing what the cold, fresh air of Lancaster can do.

I was feeling very very rubbish* when I wrote my last post “I really don’t care anymore” so I decided to get dressed** and go for a walk. It must’ve been about half 9. I walked to the mini Sainsburys to buy chocolate raisins*** but they didn’t have any, so bought some midget gems and then walked down to the mini Tesco to see if they had chocolate raisins.

Must admit, they did and I bought some too. BUT I’m saving them for another day (ate the midget gems tonight instead!)

Feeling really really low, I could not walk past the paracetamol without buying some. 2 packets, which is how many you are allowed to buy. I starting thinking about building up a stash again. But this thought has now been banished.

So then on my way home, I decided to walk by the canal, which is quite pretty. It was freezing; I could see my breath in the air, and parts of the canal had frozen over. Couldn’t help wondering if I would die if I jumped in. It was dark, cold and quiet… would anyone even notice? (Before anyone worries, this thought has also now been banished).

I walked along the canal for a while. I looked up at the stars. Such a clear night here; we can never really see the stars at home (living in London, what do I expect?!) I could see loads and loads of pretty stars, and I tried to take a photo with my phone to put on here, but duhh.. it was too dark to see them on the camera! But they were so pretty. I just stood looking for a while (must have looked a bit odd, but I don’t care).

I had my ipod on, listening to quite sad songs I guess (A team, Jar of hearts, All at once). But the fresh air helped. And the stars. And the music. And being completely alone, looking at the beauty of the stars. I decided that one day I’m going to carry on walking along the canal and see where I end up, it looks pretty!

I got cold, and realised my housemates would start to wonder where I was, so I walked back to the house. I came in, warmed up a bit and actually did some work. I spoke to my dad on the phone, and even practiced some lovely statistics on SPSS – my favourite thing ever!**** I’ve been through most of the work sheets from the seminars, and now I think I’m going to try and get a good night’s sleep, before tomorrow.

I’m feeling a lot more positive than before. I have worked out that the test isn’t worth much anyway, and if it goes badly it’s not the end of the world. Even if it will feel like it for a while.

On my walk, I also used a technique which I read about on Amanda’s blog. She wrote a great post called “I will not do it today“. I said this to myself tonight, as I walked along the canal. I said “I will not do it today. I will see how tomorrow is.” That put me at ease in itself – it’s not a long term commitment, but it keeps me safe for today.

The chances are, tomorrow won’t be quite so bad. And if it is, then tomorrow I will say “I will not do it today” and I will keep trying.

So the moral of the story is, a short walk can do the world of good. It did for me, so maybe next time you’re feeling really low, a short walk to get out of the house could be just what you need. I’m not going to pretend it has solved everything, but even if nothing else, it’s getting out of the house which can be an achievement in itself!

So now, I’m off to bed. Hoping tomorrow will be ok, and hoping for a good night’s sleep to help me prepare!

Much love,

Ellie xxx

P.S. I was going for lots of Asterisks today, but didn’t get enough! WeeGee the title is still yours! 😛

*this seems to be the word I use to say how I feel, it says what I mean without sounding too scary, but as usual – understatement

**I had already got into my PJs when I got home from uni :$

***Best comfort food ever (and not TOO unhealhy*****)

**** Sarcasm, just in case you were worried about my love of statistics!

*****compared to most chocolate

Blah – Stream of thoughts

Trigger warning: Very negative post, talk about suicidal feelings. Sorry if you read this. It’s really just my rubbish messed up thoughts.

I feel rubbish.

That’s what I tell my parents. No more really, and always the same. “I feel really rubbish today” “why” “I don’t know.”

And I wonder why they can’t help?

It’s just that I don’t want them to worry. If they knew everything they would. They probably already do.

I’m worried.

Today I realised (again) that I’m not doing well. I had booked a doctors appointment, realised I couldn’t make it, so called up to change it.

I put down the phone, and realised I’d double booked myself again. That is not like me.

I’m making mistakes I don’t make. I’m stressing.

Anxious. On edge.

Can’t keep still. Can’t concentrate. Zone out of conversations. Can’t pay attention.

So tired. In my statistics seminar I wrote “18” instead of “81”, realised and corrected it. When I looked again, my correction still read “18” not “81”.

I don’t make these mistakes.

I went to the doctors to give them a letter.

I was on edge. About the letter. About the appointment.

Cancelled the appointment (the new one)

The woman was nice. She saw I was a mess. She made me an emergency appointment for today. I saw the doctor.

Different doctor. Better than doctor O, but a man. Not that that’s a problem. I just. I don’t know, I feel like I would find it easier with a female doctor.

Made an appointment with the mental health team for next week. Nervous. Scared. Are they just going to put me on another list?

Why can’t I cope? Everyone else can?

It’s hard to believe me. Is this depression real? Am I making it up? From the outside it doesn’t exist.

I finished last year with a 1st. My attendance was pretty good, and on the surface most people only ever see me happy/okay.

But I’m not. That’s the thing. And no one can see it. I trivialise everything so people don’t worry. “I’m fine” “I’m ok” “I’ll be alright” “I’ll feel better tomorrow”

None of it’s true. It’s exhausting keeping this act up.

I want to die. I’m sorry but that’s true.

Or more to the point. I want to stop feeling pain. I want to feel nothing. I don’t aim for happiness anymore, just no pain.

Come on Ellie, pull yourself together. You have to do this. You have to succeed. You have to prove you can do it.

Otherwise he was right about you. Just a failure. You can’t do it. You need him. You are weak, pathetic.

He wins. Depression wins. Anxiety wins. And you lose.


Everything is detached.



Not detached from me, detached from each other.

My brain is frazzled after today.

Long day. Lots of learning. Lots of emotion.

I am tired. Sleep, because that’ll fix everything… yeah right.


Trigger warning: talk of suicidal and self harm thoughts.

In case anyone is wondering how I’m doing, it’s not going well. I’m not coping.

I’m still trying to catch up with all the blog posts I missed, but it’s taking a while and my concentration is bad, but I will get up to date soon I hope.

I am not really posting like before because I don’t feel like writing. I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m going through the motions of life, but I’m not living.

I feel lost, empty and so so so tired. I want to give up. I know it’s not an option, but now it’s starting to creep into my mind as an idea. I want out. I want it to be over. Every night I wish that this will be it, the end.

I wake up in the morning (or afternoon quite often) and I ache. I’m still tired. I drag myself out of bed. The willpower it takes is insane. Sometimes I don’t at all. I am coping – to the public eye. I am attending lectures, seminars, meetings, even some socials. But I can’t carry on. I can’t run on nothing forever. I don’t want to do it. None of it. I am taking on lots of things. I know I can’t do it. But I need to. I want to prove I can do it, I am coping, I’m fine – I’m good. But I’m not. It’s all a mask. It’s all pretend. It’s catching up with me. I’m going to drown.

I don’t know if anyone notices. In real life or on here. My blog stats are very low at the moment, I guess that’s because I haven’t been here much. Or maybe no one cares. My friends are clueless. They know I’m “depressed” but I don’t think they even understand what that means. I don’t think they know the extent of how shit and awful I’m feeling. And if they did, I don’t think they’d do anything anyway. How many of my “friends” are real?

I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want someone to tell me to “get over it”, or that “everything’s going to be fine”, and I especially don’t want anyone to tell me “you’re over reacting” or to “man up.”

But I can’t do this by myself. I am so thankful for my amazing boyfriend. Who answers the phone at 1:30am? He does. Who talks to me whenever I’m feeling down, and won’t take “I’m fine” for a response, because he know’s when I’m not? He does. I’m so lucky to have him, it’s just a shame he’s so far away.

I just want to fall asleep tonight and not wake up. I keep thinking about taking my knife and dragging it down my legs and arms. I can’t stop fantasising about the bag of tablets I have downstairs (I’m on 4 medications and just came off 1 so have a lot) but something stops me. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Except me.

I wonder, would he ever find out? If I got my knife again? I’d feel guilty. I’d tell him. He would be sad. He would be angry. And he would be disappointed.

I just can’t believe I’m feeling like this and I’m classed as low suicide risk. Do I have to try and kill myself before anyone will help me? Why don’t they listen?

Sorry about the rant. It’s all mismatched and it doesn’t make sense. It’s disconnected. My brain feels disconnected from the world.

I just sit. Or stand. Not looking at anything, not doing anything. Just there. I switch off. I drift out of conversations. I don’t know what’s going on.

Every time I think I’ve hit my lowest point

I fall further.

Paranoid. Lost. Lonely. Tired. Sad. Empty. Angry. Negative. Hopeless. And it feels like my brain is broken. I can’t think.

Let’s sleep away the pain.

Let me sleep

Trigger warning – maybe. Suicidal thoughts etc, read only if you’re safe.


I want to die, sleep forever,

I want to be finally at peace,

The pain never seems to leave me,

While I live it’s a matter of survival

Not living life to the full,

I’m trying to keep up,

To keep going through all the pain,

But I’m tired and I need a rest,

I want to sleep, sleep forever,

Then all the pain will be washed away.

If the pain could be removed,

I would like to live my life,

But surviving isn’t fun,

And somehow life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be,

And I find my thoughts wandering,

And find myself thinking over and over:

I want to die, just let me sleep.


I’m sick of surviving, I want to live. (Or die)