100 happy days

I’ve seen quite a few people taking part in this “100 happy days” thing on Facebook. The idea is that every day for 100 days you have to do something that makes you happy/you like doing.

There is a website – http://100happydays.com/ where you can register to take part if you want to. You are supposed to take a photo of what makes you happy each day, and you can submit it to facebook, twitter, instagram etc. (Sadly there’s no option for WordPress!)

I think this would be quite a hard challenge. But it’s true – people don’t have time to enjoy the moments. It’s the small things in life that make you happy. It’s the way the birds sing, or the smile on your boyfriend’s face when they see you. It’s the mango icecream from the ice cream café, or the smell of freshly baked bread. We need to notice these things, because however bad things are, there is always some good in the world too, some little piece of happiness.

I am thinking about doing it. I haven’t decided yet whether to do it personally (just in my journal), on here, or through the actual 100 happy days thing… I think it would be hard to have a photo for every day, and I think I’d have to get Instagram to do it (I want to do it as Ellie so I can share my progress with you guys!)

I do think acknowledging the good things, stopping and being in the moment, does help happiness levels. And since I’ve been feeling pretty down lately, a way to feel happy is just what I need! Now to get the courage to start it!!

What do you think about the 100 happy days idea?

 

 

Stuff from my head

S came to Germany and it was nice. We talked a lot about everything and he said he does want to be there for me. He said sometimes it’s too much for him to deal with all my problems as well as his. That’s true, I haven’t been fair, and I’m glad he was honest about this.

elephant journal

So many elephants!

I’ve decided to start writing a journal again. It’s good to let my feelings out and that way maybe S won’t have to deal with everything. I searched for the right book to use as a journal, and then I remembered I have one with lots of elephants on, perfect. I never wanted to write in it before because I didn’t know what to write. I didn’t want to ruin it. But journals are for writing in, so I’m going to write in it. And maybe it will help. I know it was helpful in the past for me to write stuff down, I just got lazy and started missing days, and then eventually I never wrote anymore.

It’s important to write without boundaries, if I censor myself there’s no point. No one else is going to read it anyway. I need to write honestly, and I need to figure things out. I have a long way to go before full recovery and I have decided I am going to ask for a re-referral to the counselling services when I get back to uni.

Anger is probably the biggest issue now. I can’t deal with it at all.

And I still have these flashback moments. And I can’t not react, it just happens.

The other day S grabbed me and I completely freaked out. I was scared of him. I was back in the past and it all seemed so real. I guess that’s the PTSD symptoms which are in my diagnosis.

We were arguing which is triggering enough. But as soon as that happened and I started panicking, we stopped. S said sorry about a million times. I know that it wouldn’t be a big thing to most people but it really scared me. He said he should’ve known, he shouldn’t have done it. I know he wouldn’t hurt me but it brought back memories. Real fear.

I know I over react to stuff but I can’t do anything else. I’m not in control of these reactions.

I flew back to Germany yesterday and I’m meant to be working on my essays today but I can’t concentrate. I can’t think and I have no motivation. This is all too familiar. I know I have to do it. Just a bit at least. Time is going to run out if I carry on like this, and then I’ll be even more stressed. I know what this degree means to me and I don’t want to mess it up. But handing in nothing is worse than handing in something that’s not very good. I know that. I’m telling myself, just do it. Just get it done. I know I’ll feel better once it’s done. Just a case of getting started. Come on.

How can some parts of me be so driven and full of ambition, and others just want to give up on everything and just do nothing?

I hope I’ll have a more positive post to write soon,

Lots of love,

Ellie

xxx

Another realisation

I want wanted to be a psychologist, a clinical psychologist. Since I started studying psychology really, and definitely since I started having my own mental health issues.

And I know it’s competitive. And I always thought: Will I get good enough grades? Will I get through interviews? etc etc.

But maybe I’m not the right sort of person. I’m too emotional. I care too much. I don’t know if I’d be able to listen to people and not react to what they say – remain objective and professional, not emotional.

And my inability to make decisions… how could I possibly decide on a diagnosis? How could I recommend the right treatments, how could I decide where to start?

And besides how can I help anyone else when I can’t even help myself. A depressed psychologist? I doubt that would be very helpful.

I can’t do it. Not because I’m not good enough (although that is also highly likely) but because I’m the wrong sort of person. And you can work as hard as you like, learn interview skills, all of that… but if you’re not the right sort of person you’ll crack, if by some miracle you manage to make it through training in the first place.

There goes my life plan….

Fuck.

Rock

“I’m fed up of being your rock. You should be your own rock.”

It’s true of course. Doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I realised I really don’t like myself. I hate myself in fact.

I knew this before but I’m realising that even though everything else is good in my life, these issues aren’t going to go away by themselves. No one else can make me like myself, I have to learn to. But how?

At school this week I’ve had a couple of lessons by myself, (as in without a teacher being there as well) and it wasn’t good. They don’t listen to me, they are loud and they don’t work. They have a test on Friday but they still think it’s ok to throw things around the classroom and make loads of noise. I bloody hate teenagers. Teaching is not for me, final conclusion on that one. On a brighter note (although it didn’t seem funny at the time), on Monday 2 kids hid in  a cupboard for 25 minutes of my lesson without me noticing. At the time I just felt so stupid and like the most rubbish teachery-type-person in the world, but I guess in retrospect it is quite funny.

S is coming to Germany on Saturday and instead of being excited, I’m mostly scared. I am looking forward to seeing him of course, but my mind is full of what ifs. What if things are different? What if he doesn’t feel the same anymore? What if he’s not attracted to me anymore? What if, what if, what if.

And I know it’s stupid. It doesn’t help anyone, least of all me to do this to myself but I don’t know how to stop. I am disgusted with myself and yet I don’t do anything about it. But how can I?

I don’t know how to like myself. I feel ugly, stupid, unwanted.

I’m always on the edge. I still think people are only there because they feel sorry for me. That’s not ok. And it’s probably not even true but I still think it. I’m just worth nothing. That’s how I feel. I’m not good enough in any way.

So yeah, still got issues.

Lots of love,
Ellie

xxx