Writing Prompt challenge – 28

Day 28 —You read about yourself in your brother/sister, girlfriend/boyfriend’s diary.  What did you read?

I think this will be a short one, I’m not sure what to write for this one.

For my brother – I would imagine it wouldn’t be very complimentary. Although we don’t “not get on”, we have our fair share of sibling arguments, and we wind each other up all the time.

For my boyfriend – I think he would write about being worried about me, if anything. I know it hurts him a lot to see me like this, and when I feel really low I know how much it hurts him when I talk to him about it, and I know he wants to help but he doesn’t know how. I am so lucky to have him, he cares so much and puts up with so much just to be with me.

I’m going to take this writing prompt a bit further, as the whole point of them is to get you to write!! I’m going to write about my brother and my boyfriend a bit more.

My brother, I will call him Mouse (because that’s a nickname I call him, based on his real name.*) He is 13 years old and is growing up fast. Although he is 6 years younger than me, he is now several inches taller than me!! That was not a nice discovery – I came home from uni one time, and suddenly he was taller than me!

He is good natured really – although he seems to be in a mood most of the time, I guess that’s what 13 year old boys are like. We get on sometimes, and last night (NYE) we managed to get on alright, and we played a game with my cousin (Actress) which is like pictionary but with play dough!

I feel sorry for my brother really. He has had to see my mum go through depression, and as he was much younger than me I’d imagine he didn’t really understand it. Why she is sometimes so short tempered and spent so many days in bed, and not being able to do things like the cooking etc. And now there’s me, and I still don’t think he knows what’s going on. He’s 13 and got nothing to worry about, except that he is getting like me in terms of perfectionism – he worries about not doing well enough at school, even though he’s very bright. I hope he doesn’t turn out like me.

And my boyfriend. He’s the loveliest person I know. Although he winds me up a lot (it’s not hard these days) he really cares about me and is always there for me when I need him. (And he knows when I’m not ok, even though I say I am.) He is my best friend more than my boyfriend, and I’m glad it’s that way round. Because of things with the ex, I’m very cautious with my feelings – I don’t want to be out of control. I’m worried about getting hurt again, and there are loads of things that trigger panic and fear in me. Even though for more than half of the year I live the other end of the country, we still talk or at least text everyday. I feel like I’d be lost without him, but I like to think that our friendship is strong enough that even if we split up, we would still be friends.

I do worry that eventually he is going to get fed up of how I am. I know I am difficult to be with, but he says he doesn’t care, and that he wants to be with me anyway. I’m always going to have insecurities about this, seeing as how things ended with the ex, but I feel so bad that he has to deal with the problems which were created by the ex, and the ex just got to walk away and doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Anyway, I think that’s enough of a random ramble. I guess this shows that writing prompts can be helpful, as I didn’t have any ideas for a post tonight, but now I’ve written quite a lot – on a different topic.

*Can anyone guess? – It’s not a direct link!

Writing Prompt Challenge – 10

I’ve decided it’s time to do some more of my writing challenges! I’ve neglected them for quite a while, and I’m having a time of writers block, so I might as well use some of the prompts provided!

On a side note, in my previous post I said that I’m going to post a very important post soon. I haven’t finished it, because I don’t want it to be rushed, but it will be coming – soon!

Day 10 —What do you want to be remembered for?

Some people want to be remembered for being famous; for being a footballer, a singer, dancer, artist. I’d love to write a book, and be famous for it. Not for the money, (although that would be nice) but because I would love to be someone who inspires people. I would love for kids everywhere to read my books like J.KRowling, or even if it just made a difference to a few people. BUT, that’s still not the one thing I’d like to be remembered for.

If there’s one thing that I want people to remember me for, it would be my caring nature. I don’t always do the right thing, I’m not always there at the right time, but I do care. (Sometimes too much.)

When my granddad died (nearly 8 years ago) everyone said “George was such a nice man”, and he was. I never ever remember him being angry, and I always remember him being so kind and gentle.  I like to hope that I am at least a bit like him, I’d like people to remember me for caring, for being kind, for loving.

There’s not much I’m good at, but caring is one of the things I can do. Maybe sometimes I care too much, maybe sometimes I put myself in a worse position by caring, but I can’t help it. I never want people to feel like they have no one; I wouldn’t want it to happen to me.

I hope that I’ll qualify as a clinical Psychologist, and I’ll help loads of people with their mental illnesses, I hope I’ll make a difference. I hope I’ll write a book and it’ll make a difference. I don’t know if any of this will happen, but even if none of it does… I’ll still care.

I hope I’ll inspire people, with whatever I do. I want to make a difference to the world. I want to raise awareness of mental illness, and how the treatment needs a lot of improvement, I want people to understand that these things are ILLNESSES, and not life choices. I want to inspire people to do good with their lives, to make a difference themselves. I’m full of big ideas, and hopes of changing the world, but the chance is I won’t. But even if I affect just one person, it will be something.

I never give up on people, and sometimes that can be a flaw. It meant that I gave the ex far too many chances, but I couldn’t help it – I cared, I wanted him to change, I wanted to give him another chance (because everyone deserves a second chance.*)

And on the note of caring, as I’ve said to lots of my bloggy friends, and my readers, if you ever want someone to “talk”to, you can always send me an email, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

anxiouselephant@hotmail.com

*But probably no where near as many chances as I gave him.

Letter writing challenge – 11

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Grandad,

I miss you. You know that though don’t you? I hope you do. I wish I got longer to spend with you, I was only 10 when you died. I knew there was something wrong while I was away.

I was going on the year 6 ski trip with the school. I went, I loved it – of course, but I knew, I had this feeling that there was something wrong at home. No one believed me of course, but I just had this feeling, I can’t explain it. I got back, I remember the coach drove past my house and I saw Nannie’s car on the drive. Why was she here? That wasn’t planned, Nannie rarely comes to visit. I got home, and that’s when they told me. I think Dad told me, that you had died the night before I left to go on the ski trip.

I was angry. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I cried. Dad said he didn’t want to ruin the ski trip for me, he said you wouldn’t have wanted me to be upset on my trip. I know he’s right, you were such a lovely and caring man. I never once saw you angry, you always had a game and a joke with us kids, and you always made us all feel so welcome at your house. I used to love coming round every Sunday to see you, Nanna and the rest of the family. We still did that after you were gone of course, but it’s never been the same. 17 became 16 and it just isn’t right. We all miss you, I hope you know that. I know Nanna does especially. She always seems so happy when she speaks about you – happy memories, and she always tells me “he was such a lovely man” – but I know that, I remember that.

I remember you had a gold lighter. You used to smoke a pipe all the time. You used to light the lighter, and me and Actress used to pop up from behind your chair and blow it out. You used to pretend you didn’t know where it had gone, and we did this week after week for several years probably, yet you never minded – you always played along. Then you’d relight it again, and if we were quick enough, we’d blow it out again.

I wish you could see us all now. Well, maybe you can. I hope you can. If you can, you don’t need to read all this because you already know, but everyone likes letters right?

Do you remember the ride on scooter you had when you couldn’t walk very well? It had two settings on – a tortoise and a hare. We used to race you down the hill to the field, and you always used to let us win I think.

Sometimes when I go past the church I stop by the gate and talk to you. Out loud. I tell you what’s going on. I want to make you proud. I know you always were, so proud of all of us. And I wish more than anything that you weren’t taken away so long ago. I hope you’re at peace now, safe and happy somewhere, I’m glad you didn’t have to suffer anymore.

I just wanted you to know, I remember you, I miss you, and I have so many happy memories with you and the rest of the family.

Lots of love,

Ellie xx

P.S. I know my name isn’t Ellie, don’t worry I haven’t changed it, it’s just for anonymity purposes!

Writing prompt challenge – 18

Day 18 —Take a reader behind the wheel with the worst driver you’ve ever known.

“Maybe you should get some help… like anger management or something?”

The car starts moving, before she even has time to put her seatbelt on. She quickly jams it in, as the car picks up speed, and he grows angrier. He looks at her, with a look of disgust and anger “Oh so I’m crazy now, am I?” he pushes his foot down further on the accelerator, “I need help, do I?” The wheels spin faster and faster, and she sees the world whizzing by, growing less and less clear as the speed increases.

“Look, I’m sorry, please will you -” she starts, as he slams on the brakes to avoid a collision. They lurch forward, the car coming to a stop just behind the vehicle in front. “slow down” she continues, at a whisper. “Slow down?” he asks, mockingly. He speeds up again, driving along country lanes, picking up more and more speed, overtaking cars that are in his way. “Does it scare you?” he asks, daring her.

“Please, just slow down. You’re scaring me. Please.” She cries. He starts to swerve – on purpose, to scare her. “Am I scaring you now?” he taunts her. The car wiggles along the (empty) road, with the steering wheel being jerked around erratically by the angry driver.

“YOU’RE SCARING ME. STOP THE CAR.” she shouts, the fear evident in her voice, as it trembles with the tears. Her heart is beating fast, it feels like a hammering in her chest. He continues to swerve, speed and suddenly brake as their journey continues. She can’t see the speedometer but she knows it’s fast. Too fast.

“Ok then.” he says, his voice surprisingly calm now. “I’ll go to the hospital. I’m mental. I’ll hand myself in shall I?” and the swerves become more dangerous. She is sure they will come off the road. There are near crashes, as he meets traffic on the road to the hospital. He beeps the horn. She’s crying, begging him, making all sorts of promises, just begging him to calm down, and slow down.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please. I’m sorry.”

Letter Writing Challenge – 5

Day 5 — Your dreams

I’m not sure if it means dreams as in while you’re asleep or dreams as in things you want to do in life, so I’ll do both.

 

Dear Dreams,

Why are you so weird? Why do you scare me, make me happy, make me sad? Why are you there? Why do I sometimes remember you and sometimes not? Why do you haunt me with memories of my past?

I don’t understand how you work. Sometimes you’re based on memories, I can understand that – you come from things that have happened, but what about the strange ones? Where do you come from? When you’re in places I’ve never been in real life, and then it turns out the real place is just like you showed me? And that time when I was younger, how did you predict the future? How did you know just what that poet was going to say? Why did you show me that? I can’t remember it now, I don’t think it was anything super amazing or special, but I knew what he was going to say, because you showed me it about a week before.

I’m going to sleep now, please be good tonight. Don’t haunt me, don’t scare me, don’t make me cry. Be nice, I’ll like you much better that way.

Love Ellie xx

~ ~

Dear Dreams,

I hope you come true. There’s so much I want to do, so much I want to achieve – well you know that! I have high expectations of myself, you know that too. I know there’s a lot of you, and some of you are very serious, some a bit silly, and some very unlikely, but I hope I meet you all – when (if) you come true.

Above all else, my dream is to make a difference. It doesn’t have to be a big difference in the scheme of things, but I want to change people’s lives (for the better), I want to help people, care for them, I want to be that person who makes everything okay – because there isn’t a person like that in my life. (Well, boyfriend is pretty good at making things okay, but even he can’t fix everything.)

I’m scared I’ll never meet you dreams, that you’ll never become a reality. Then what? I’ve failed. I can’t deal with that. I need to achieve everything, I need to make a difference, I can’t fail. You’re the part of life that makes things worth it – because if you come true then I’ll be “fixed”, I’ll be happy, I’ll be helping people, I’ll be looking after elephants, getting married and having my own family, I’ll be travelling round the world, I’ll be writing, I’ll be a psychologist and fluent in German, I’ll be everything I want to be. So as long as there’s a chance that you’ll come true, I’m going to keep going, keep trying, keep working, keep hoping.

Please dreams, work with me here, I just want to meet you.

Love Ellie xx

Letter writing challenge – 21

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Dear Owl*,

I am very sorry to be writing this, and incredibly embarrassed. I am a pretty openminded person generally, however I have to admit that initially I did “judge a book by its cover” in your case.

I met you on my first day of university – you were (and still are) one of my housemates. When I saw you walk in with your (dyed) blonde straightened hair and branded clothing, and a mum who seemed to do everything you wanted, I did think we would be unlikely to get on, and that you would be studying something that wasn’t academic, and that you would be incredibly spoilr.

This sounds so shallow and nasty, but the letter challenge told me to write this. The truth is the world is based on first impressions and people judge – rightly or wrongly based on these. Within a few hours of knowing you I discovered that you study Computer Science… COMPUTER SCIENCE? I was very surprised, I did not expect someone like yourself to study this subject, and (again I am embarrassed to admit) I expected computer science students to be very geeky and not very sociable… I know that this is an unfair stereotype. After a year of knowing you, and having met some of your comsci friends, I know that the stereotype is not true, and will try in future not to make these stupid prejudgments!

I have found that although you are into your make up, fashion and shows such as Made in Chelsea and Geordie Shore, you are also pretty intelligent, and a very lovely person! I am so glad that in this case my first impression was wrong, and we do get along. In fact we are now living together again (having chosen who we live with this time!) and I couldn’t be happier that I’m living with you, footballer and geog!**

I have found that at times you can act spoilt, but I guess a lot of people are at times, and you are an only child so I guess it’s not that surprising. This year (so far – it’s only been a week) I feel that you’ve grown up anyway, you are being more cautious with money (well…except the shopping) but you’re not expecting people to do stuff for you or asking mummy and daddy for everything like I had initally suspected. Well, I’ll put my hands up…I was wrong. And for once, I’m glad I’m wrong.

Truth be told, I was expecting you to be more like H. She is also blonde hair, lots of make up and computer science, however she lacks the intelligence you have, and has a shallow personality too. She’s one of those barbie girls. I know you’re friends with her, although even you are becoming annoyed with her at times! For example expecting to go on that holiday for free!!*** Anyway, that’s off topic – back to the point!!

I’m sorry I judged you based on appearances and first impressions. I wonder if you did too. I wonder what people’s first impressions of me are…

Lots of love,

Ellie**** xx

The moral of the story is the typical “don’t judge a book by its cover”, but also sometimes you will find your first impressions were completely wrong, and you may just end up living with someone you thought you wouldn’t like!!

 

*Owl shall be added to my “who I write about” page soon! And her name is because she likes owls – duh! 😛

**Geog shall also be added to the list, although hopefully with a better name!!

*** L and W (2 of H’s housemates) were in a relationship and booked a holiday together, before the holiday they split up, so obviously didn’t want to go together… awkward whale!! So H wanted to go with L instead, however expected W to pay for her to go anyway, as it was just going to waste otherwise!! Cannot believe this girl!

****I have decided I shall now just use Ellie as my name on here (Thanks to Bourbon for this! :D) and I hope Wee Gee doesn’t mind me using her asterisks…they’re very useful! 😛

Letter writing challenge – 25

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Dear P,

I know things are really hard for you at the moment. I’ve tried to be there for you, but you rarely reply. I know you’re busy with W*, and that you’re struggling with social anxiety and depression but if you push people away how can we be there for you?

I’m so sorry to hear that your mum is in hospital. I’m thinking of you and your family, and I really hope and pray that she gets better. I know you have too much to deal with at the moment but hold on.

You have people around you that care about you. I know F** tried to overdose, but she didn’t manage to – she’s still here. She’s still your best friend and she’s there for you, just like you are for her. I hope C*** is supporting you through these hard times – everything bad seems to have come at once.

Try to find joy in your life, you still have W and C, and your mum will make it, I can feel it. I hope your dad has recovered now too, I know he was in hospital too recently. Such a lot to deal with, I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could take all this pain away from you. I wish I could fix it all for you.

You probably forget I exist most of the time. We’ve barely spoken since college, and besides your attendance was appalling! (Ok, so you were pregnant at the time so I guess that’s a decent excuse!) I saw you this summer and it was so nice to catch up, and to see how much W has grown in just a year!

I hope your doctors are giving you the help you need. You are on antidepressants, but you think, and I also think that you might be bipolar instead. I hope your referral comes through quickly and that they’re able to help you.

I’m so sorry that life has dealt you a shitty hand at the moment. Things will get better, keep hoping and believing, and remember I am always there for you if you need me, or if you just want to talk. We suffer from many of the same symptoms (tiredness, depression, anxiety, sometimes being scared to leave the house, fear of failure… the list goes on.) We’re not that different, you and I and I miss us being in regular contact.

I’ll keep trying, and keep hoping for you. Things will improve, there is hope!****

Lots of love

Anxious Elephant

*her baby

**her best friend

*** her boyfriend and W’s dad

**** borrowed this phrase from Buckwheats risk!

Writing prompt challenge – 27

Day 27 —Make up a near-death experience (unless you have a real one).

It was K’s birthday party, I think we must’ve been about 8 at the time. She had a swimming party, and so my family and I travelled the hour journey to where she lives, and I was excited because I loved swimming at the time.

K’s parents had hired the whole pool for us! It was great; there were giant floats that you could sit on, those “noodles” and in the middle a HUGE inflatable slide that you could swim to, climb up, and then launch yourself down the slide and splash into the pool.

We were all playing together, even though I only knew K and her sister, but that’s what kids are like. They don’t mind if they don’t know each other – they just make friends and play together.

A group of us were playing together making islands out of the big floats, and holding them together to make a bigger island that we could all sit on.

Suddenly, I plunged into the water. I remember the sounds of shouting and splashing just disappearing, and seeing nothing around me but a fuzzy blueness – the water of course. I struggled to get myself back above the water but I couldn’t. I was beneath the float island, and I was too disorientated to work out which way to get out. I thrashed around, trying to push the floats out of the way, but there were still children sitting on them, so they were too heavy for me to move.

I still remember the terror of thinking “I can’t get out, I can’t breathe!” I started to feel dizzy, having not enough oxygen left to breathe properly. I was gulping water in my panic, and I needed to get out – I needed to breathe properly again!

I thought I was going to die. No one had noticed that I was under the floats; I was 8 years old and I thought “I’m going to drown!” Eventually, I saw a gap in the floats – I could see the ceiling through the blur of the water. I aimed for it, and propelled myself above the water; choking and gasping for air.

In retrospect maybe this wasn’t a near death experience, but to an 8 year old it felt like it!*

*Parts of this story are true, parts are not – it said make one up, but I just edited one of my personal experiences 🙂

Writing prompt challenge – 7 (Take 2)

Yesterday I did the writing prompt 7 – What sets you apart from the crowd, but it ended up very negative and with me feeling that I’m incredibly boring and not special at all…

So, I’m going to try again… this time from a more positive light!! Here goes:

When I did this post yesterday, I tried to think of that ONE THING that sets me apart. If you’ve read that post, you’ll know that I came to the conclusion that there is nothing that makes me special.

After posting it, I was happily surprised by a number of comments telling me that I was being too hard on myself, that I do have special things about me… So I’m trying again, and last night, after reading those comments I discovered something…

There isn’t ONE THING that sets me apart from the crowd. However, it’s all the little things that make me different. There are parts of who I am that are “normal”, and parts that are very abnormal, so this is going to be a post about what makes me, me.

I am a caring person, sometimes this can be a negative thing (such as giving ex too many chances, or having people walk all over me) but generally this is a nice trait to have. I find it easy to make friends because of this, and I enjoy looking after people, cheering them up, being there for them.

I am quite strange. I like naming inanimate objects (Bob, Steve, Matilda), and I have an unhealthy obsession with Eastenders and Elephants. I spend way too long on my laptop every day, reading and writing blogs, but that’s what I like doing. I love reading about other people’s lives, and trying to help where I can by leaving comments. Then there’s writing, that’s what I really like doing. There’s not that much that I have a genuine interest in at the moment (blame the depression!) but writing is still something I enjoy. I’m not going to pretend to be a good writer, but hey – I like it, so I’m going to do it!

I am the only (or possibly 1 of 2) student in my year at my university studying the course I do. It’s a weird combination, which never fails to get the response “Oh…that’s unusual” when people ask what I’m studying. But I don’t care, it’s what I want to do. I like languages, and I like Psychology.

I am a Cub leader (when I’m at home, although I might try and find a group up here too) and even though I sometimes get anxious about speaking in front of the kids, I enjoy it, because it makes the kids happy. They love cubs and all the activities we do there, and making people happy makes me happy.

I want to be a psychologist because I want to help people. People like me with depression and anxiety, and people with other mental health illnesses. So maybe, what sets me apart is that I’m a helping person… most of the stuff I enjoy revolves around helping people.

Then there’s physical difference. I am incredibly short for my age. I always have been the smallest in my class, even in nursery I think! I am 4 ft 11 and 3/4, so (as my boyfriend says) “pretty much as close to 5 ft as possible, without being 5 ft.” Being this short draws a lot of teasing about my height, and a lot of surprised people when they discover that I am in fact 19, rather than about 14. Embarrassingly, my brother (who is 13) is now taller than me… I used to hate being small, after being teased/bullied about it for a large portion of my school life, but now I don’t care anymore. I can wear heals, and I’m still not as tall as my boyfriend, and I’ll never ever have trouble finding a guy taller than me! (Also, it’s handy for hide and seek.)

I like running, something that a lot of people HATE. I have to admit, I haven’t been running much recently, I’ve been feeling too exhausted all the time, but I want to get back into it.

So there we have it, all of this stuff makes me, me. And that’s what sets me apart from the crowd.

(Wow, writing this has put me in a much better mood! I guess I need to focus on the positives rather than the negatives!)

Letter writing challenge – 22

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

This one came up from my random number selection today. Bums. This will be hard to write. Initially I thought of my ex, but that wouldn’t be a second chance, that would be a thousandth chance, and besides – I don’t want to give him anymore chances. Then there’s Piglet – I suppose I would give her another chance, but we haven’t spoken in over a year (not through my choosing)

I’ve already given Kittens a second chance. We fell out big time a few years ago, but we’re now close friends again. So who would I want to give a second chance to? I know. Mollusc. I am giving her that second chance now, but that counts…right?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Mollusc,

You really hurt me when you stopped being my friend. We used to be so close, we had Mollusc day together, and so many good laughs in German, Maths and English – and that’s just the in school stuff. You were at one point my closest friend at school. You were the first to know about ex before we were together, and yet you reacted so strangely when we (me and ex) finally got together properly.

I will never forget when I received an email from you, saying something along the lines of: it’s a shame because we’ve had some good times, but we can’t be friends anymore. I will be civil to you but that’s it.”

It really hurt Mollusc, more than you will know. Especially with S. doing it at the same time. Did you agree together that you’d stop being friends with me?

I know I did wrong too. I didn’t mean to abandon you, I was caught up with ex, and he was controlling, subtly at first. He made me feel bad if I didn’t spend time with him at break and lunch, he made me feel that I wasn’t allowed to meet up with you guys. I’m so sorry about that. I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted to lose you as a friend. But it hurt that you did that. Especially by email…

I’m so glad we’ve sorted things out now. I remember when we were going to Cambridge’s birthday, I knew you were going, and I was terrified. We were going for a night out in London for her 18th birthday. I hadn’t seen you for nearly 2 years. No contact at all.

Then we spoke. At first it was a little awkward. Then you apologised. It meant so much to me, it really did. I apologised too, and pretty soon we were chatting away like none of it had happened.

We will never be as close as we used to be, but things are a lot better. There’s no strain anymore, and I hope we can build up a friendship again, because we get/got along so well, I always have a laugh when I’m with you.

I hope you’re enjoying your freshers week Mollusc, I think I’ll text you after this letter (that you’ll never read!). I hope I’m right in giving you a second chance, I’m fairly sure I am though. It was all a long time ago, we both made mistakes, and we’re over them now. (I hope so anyway.)

Lots of love,

your mollusc buddy xx