Pain

I miss S so much it really hurts. He is all loved up with someone else, they are moving in together shortly. I’ve finally deleted him off social media, every time I clicked his profile was emotional self-harm; it always made me feel worse. So now the temptation has been taken away, I can’t see it anymore even if I wanted to. (And if I’m completely honest I already tried!)

I know that’s a good thing to take that temptation away. I know that in general I’m doing pretty well. But somehow that doesn’t change the pain and the ache of losing him, missing him.

I feel like after 6 months I shouldn’t still feel like this. I know there’s no time limits to put on grief, I know that’s not how it works. But it feels like I should be ok by now, I should be moving forward.

I hate myself for missing him. I hate myself for not being the person he loves anymore. I can’t help but feel very lost, very lonely. I don’t want to be on my own but I can’t imagine feeling safe again, being able to trust someone. I thought after the ex, and all of that pain, I had found someone that was good for me, but then S left me too and now I’ve realised nothing at all in life is certain.

I know I’m upset about them moving in together and that’s what has brought up all this pain again. I want it to go away, I want to be ok. I want to be strong and happy and confident, but tonight I am in pain. I feel like a lost child and everything feels too much.

My birthday has brought up feelings too – thoughts of where I “should” be in my life at this age, thoughts of where I thought I would be but I’m nowhere near. My birthday has been difficult for years, it acts as a marker of another year that I’m still struggling. This year it marks 6 months since me and S split up, and a reminder that the years keep going by and I’m still not ok.

All I really want in life is to be loved. I need to learn to love myself first. I know I’m up and down, I know some days are harder than others but I just wish things would be easier. I don’t have the energy for this right now.

I’ve just typed out my feelings because I needed to let them out. I’m ok, or I will be, but it all just hurts too much today. I think an early night is in order.

Love,

Ellie xx

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Caterpillar cake

I have found birthdays hard for a long time, for a variety of reasons. This year I got a terrible migraine and found out that S is moving in with his new girlfriend, happy birthday to me.

I nearly stopped my mention of my birthday there, which isn’t really fair. It’s so much easier to focus on the negative and I know that I have a massive negative filter. Actually, my work friends organised a surprise birthday picnic which was super cute and lovely! We sat in the sun and ate lots of picnic food, and in the evening I went out for a lovely meal with my family. My birthday also featured a Colin the caterpillar cake, because what kind of a birthday would it be without one?!

I know I haven’t been writing much lately and I also know that I’ve been overdoing it, being too busy, trying to spin too many plates.

I want to get back into my good habits and routines. My sleep has been off the last few weeks, and I’ve eaten a lot of crap and I can feel that makes a difference to my energy levels and mood.

Next week I’m going on holiday so hoping to recharge my batteries and take some time to rest. I am completely exhausted again – physically and mentally. And so goes the boom and bust cycle…

Love,

Ellie xx

Back to therapy

I realise I still haven’t posted much about my CBT, and I do still plan to. Somehow everything seems to be busy all the time at the moment and I haven’t been making time to write, which is a shame because I enjoy writing!

Yesterday I went back to see my therapist, who I haven’t seen since before Christmas (because I started CBT in January and you can’t have two types of therapy at once!) It was really nice to see her and to talk things through. She said I seem to be in a different place and that’s true!

We talked about how things have been and how I have had lots of realisations about myself and the relationship with S in the last 6 months. She said I seem more like an adult, that I am taking responsibility for myself and I’m not waiting for someone else to fix things for me anymore. That was really nice to hear, and I actually agree. I think I’ve grown up more in the last 6 months than the last 6 years!

I’ve learned that I can deal with stuff myself. I’ve learned that sometimes I will feel really low and it will be awful, but I can still get through it. I’ve learned some level of distress tolerance, whereas before I had none – I always ran to S to make me feel better.

I feel much stronger and I’m owning my life now. Nothing changes by itself, no one is going to sweep in and save me. I don’t need saving actually anymore – I can save myself. And I’m building up my confidence bit by bit. Yes, I still have my lows, and I probably always will, but that’s ok because I know it will pass. And I know I have a hell of a lot of great people in my life to support me, but not to save me. I have better coping mechanisms now and I’m actually quite proud of myself. (Wow I never thought I’d feel proud of myself!)

Feeling pretty positive today, especially thinking back on yesterday’s session.

Lots of love,

Ellie xx