A positive thought 

Amongst all the terrible things that are going on lately, and the depression I am experiencing right now, there are still good people, glimmers of hope… 

While I was driving home today I saw two ladies, one elderly and one much younger (maybe her daughter?) walking in the pouring rain. The older lady was pushing a walker to keep her balance. The younger lady held an umbrella over the older lady to keep her dry as they walked. Not over both of them, just over the older lady. The younger lady was drenched but didn’t seem to mind, focused on keeping the older lady dry. 

‘That’s love’ I thought, as I saw this moment, I smiled as I drove on. Little things like this give me hope. There are still some good people, there are still things to smile about. 

Just thought I’d share some positivity!

Love 

Ellie xx

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A good day

Today has been a long day, but also a good day. Today is Thursday, which is the day I do some volunteering at a day centre for people with mental illnesses. I also agreed to work this evening in the supermarket where I work so it was going to be a long day! Started at 9:30 this morning and didn’t finish until 9 this evening (other than a couple of hours between in which I had a nap!)

The volunteering went well, today we went for a picnic in the park and the ladies seemed to enjoy it (and so did I.) I am really enjoying my work there, gaining greater insight into how different mental illnesses affect different people, and just chatting to lots of different people. They are such a lovely group of ladies, and even though they all have their own stories and have been through various difficult things, they are all kind, friendly and full of life. It makes me really happy to see how they support each other and it also makes me realise I need to take a more positive approach to things sometimes.

After a lovely afternoon in the sun with sandwiches and games, I popped home for a bit for a nap and to get changed for work. Then it was off to the supermarket where I seem to spend so many hours of my life. Tonight I was on tills which I usually hate, but it wasn’t too bad. I had lots of nice customers and not many rude customers and the time went by reasonably quickly – this is the sort of shift I need more of!

I realised again today that I am feeling much more like me at the moment, like I said the other day. I have come so far from where I was, and even though things can still be hard at times, I am determined that I am not going to let things get bad again, I’m fighting this with everything I have. I’m feeling quite motivated at the moment, especially because my volunteering has reassured me about my future career hopes – I want to work in mental health, as a clinical psychologist eventually. I know it will be a long journey and it’ll be hard, and I know I need to get myself fully well before I can do it, but I am determined that I will do it! – I can and I will!

Mammoth

MammothToday I was feeling pretty low. I have been feeling a bit funny physically for the last few days – lots of migraines/headaches, feeling a bit faint/light headed, feeling really really hot… that kind of thing. And a combination of feeling bad physically and mentally is never good.

So S said he would come over after work for a bit to see me and give me some cuddles to cheer me up. And he did.

We ate some strawberries and ice cream and had some cuddles and talked and it was really nice. It sounds pathetic but it’s the small things that mean the most. I love the fact that  S can just come round and he gets on with my family and it is relaxed and I don’t have to be on edge (like I was with the ex and my family).

And as you can see from the picture at the top of this post, I am now in possession of a new elephant (or more accurately – a mammoth!) S brought me it from work to cheer me up (as he knows how much I love elephants!) It is a little fluffy cuddly toy mammoth and I think he’s really cute! Only problem now is that I can’t think of a name (but I’ve decided it is a him), so feel free to give any name suggestions! 🙂

While we were cuddling and talking I said “Maybe you do actually love me”, because I’m finally starting to think maybe it’s true. Maybe not everyone will be like the ex, and maybe I’m not unlovable – maybe it wasn’t even my fault. And he laughed and said “At least it’s a maybe now.” I know it’s stupid that I am so scared of getting hurt and that I really find it so hard to believe that anyone could love and care about ME, but these are thoughts which have been programmed into my mind for a long time – with the ex, and even before that with the teasing/bullying (?)

I am feeling more determined than ever that I am going to get through this stuff, and I am not going to let the ex win or ruin any more of my life. I can and I will get through these problems. I can and I will succeed and be happy. I know I need to deal with the anger I still feel about everything that happened, but maybe I can use it positively, and use it as motivation and incentive to keep going and stay determined. I can and I will.**

I am so happy being with S, he makes me feel safe and loved and happy. And I love him, I really do and our relationship is so much better (now that I’ve finally allowed myself to feel that way instead of being too scared to get close.) I think my depression/anxiety/general craziness* definitely does affect our relationship but he copes pretty well, and he is very understanding and helping me get through my issues.

Time for bed now, but tonight I am going to bed feeling happy and safe, instead of anxious and scared and paranoid (like last night).

Good night,
Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

P.S. Here is another picture of my (nameless) mammoth!

Mammoth toy

* I hope this doesn’t offend anyone – here I am referring to my irrational thoughts and behaviours, which could definitely be called crazy rather than the mental health side of things.

** This is one of the mantras from my list, and this one often comes to mind. When I’m feeling low or like I can’t do something, I think to myself ‘I can and I will’ and I feel more in control, more determined and more positive.

A positive post!

This is going to be a list of positive “mantras”, quotes and phrases:

A great quote from "A Cinderella Story"

A great quote from “A Cinderella Story”

I can do this.

I can and I will.

Doing my best is enough.

Keep calm and carry on.

This too shall pass.

I will accept the things I cannot change.

Be the best version of you.

Everything will be ok in the end, and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.

When everything feels like an uphill struggle, think of the view from the top!

I am who I am.

Never give up.

winniethepoohquote

If anyone has any more to add, please let me know and I’ll add them to the list, with credit to you of course!

I hope you enjoy this list and can draw some positivity and motivation from it 🙂 (and if you fancy some more happy things, I’ve updated by Instant Happiness page!)

A realisation

As you might have read yesterday, I was not feeling like doing anything. Hiding felt like the best option. I went to CBT, and I’m glad I did. But still, when it got to the evening, I really didn’t want to go out.

It was raining, and people were dropping out left, right and centre, but I didn’t want to let my friend (Pres) down. Other people told me “If you don’t want to go just don’t go”, and that kind of makes sense. But I’d feel really bad – I had told Pres I was going, and helped her organise it, I couldn’t just not go! So I went.

On the way there I was thinking: Why are people so selfish? Why do people think it’s ok to let people down? Why don’t people seem to have any loyalty? And then I thought: Am I just too nice? Should I only do the things I want to do and screw other people’s feelings?

And then I thought: No, because that wouldn’t be me. 

(A lot of thinking went on in this 10 minute walk!)

But I came to the realisation that maybe I am “too nice”, and that means that sometimes I do things I don’t really want to do but I do it for other people. And sometimes it means that people take advantage of me, and I can get hurt easily (because it turns out that most people don’t do what I do.) BUT that’s just who I am. I care (sometimes too much) about other people, and I am very loyal. If I say I am going to do something, I will do it (unless there is a very good reason!) And even though I’m not “popular”, I have friends and sometimes people appreciate the fact that I’m always there. I remembered my birthday, which was in the middle of exams season… and so many people came. I was pretty surprised actually because I always think that people don’t care or notice me as much as I care for them, but people came to celebrate my birthday with me and it was great.

So, what I am saying here is that I have realised that it’s ok to be nice. And it’s ok to be me.

I realise this post may sound a bit strange. I am saying that I am a nice person, that might come across as arrogant or self-centred, but that’s not the way I mean it. I have always seen my caringness and willingness to help other people as a negative thing – and they do always say “being nice never gets you anywhere”, but I’m realising that’s not true. And so for once, I am going to be content to be me.

So what do you think? Is it good or bad to be “nice”? Is it good or bad to do things for other people? Is it possible to be too nice? I can see it from both perspectives now, but I can’t change such a central part of my personality, I just wouldn’t be me anymore.

And just as an end note, for my next post I am planning to compile a list of positive quotes, phrases and mantras, if anyone has any they want to add, feel free to comment (or email: anxiouselephant@hotmail.com) and I will of course give credit to the right people 🙂

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

P.S. I forgot to mention – I actually had quite a good night in the end. There weren’t that many of us (about 10 when we expected around 30!) but it was nice to chat and dance together. In the club I got a bit panicky at some points – sometimes the loud music, the lights, the people and the smoke get too much. But I went outside for a few minutes and took some deep breaths. I even used a bit of mindfulness, focusing on the present moment. I said to myself – I am here, I am safe, nothing bad is going to happen. And it actually worked! – A would be proud! So even though I didn’t feel like going out at all, it was actually alright.

I love you through sparks and shining dragons, I do

For some reason I keep getting this song in my head at the moment.

My favourite line is

I love you through sparks and shining dragons, I do

Not sure why, maybe because it doesn’t really make sense. I think it’s nice imagery.

And it has a happy ending, which is always nice 🙂

You got me off the sofa
Just sprang out of the air
The best things come from nowhere
I can’t believe you care

Yes, I believe you
Yes, I believe you
Yes, I believe you

Funny searches

Looking at my stats today, I saw a search term that made me giggle.

Today, 3 views on my blog have come from the search: sex overdose elephant!

What on earth is going on in the world?!

Also, the search that has given me the most views since I started my blog is minion with 264 views!! (As in the cute yellow things from Despicable me!)

Talking of minions, Despicable Me 2 is coming out this summer! I’m excited 😀 (Still a child at heart!)

Anyone else got funny searches?*

*I’m meant to be revising but I’m procrastinating so funny searches seems to be the way forward today!