Silly Ellie

I just read all the comments from my previous post. Everyone said it was a good idea NOT to contact him and that it’s great that I’m NOT contacting him… 

But what did I do today?

I texted him. Stupidly.

I just couldn’t get it out of my mind. I felt like I just HAD to do it. I said congratulations, I don’t know why. I’m not happy for him, but I thought maybe I’ve been bitter for too long now, maybe he’s moving on with his life and he’s changed… maybe, maybe, maybe.

 I HAD to tell him not to mess it up, not to treat her like he treated me. So I sent him a text saying basically that.

And he said “I don’t appreciate getting texts like that but thank you for the congratulations.”

I guess I was somehow hoping he was going to come out with an apology and that he’s changed and bla bla bla (as if that would fix this anyway.) But of course he didn’t. Because he’s a narcissist, he ignores anything wrong that he’s ever done, because nothing is ever his fault.

But in a way maybe I feel better. I feel like I’ve told him what I needed to tell him, and now it’s not my fault anymore (like it ever was!)

So even though I didn’t get the response I wanted/hoped for, I’m going to use it as evidence that I am better off without him anyway (and I know I am.)

Even though it hurts and even though my negative brain is trying to tell me that I’m not good enough and bla bla bla, I’m not going to let it get to me too much. Because it’s over. It’s all over and it’s never going to happen again, and no one is going to hurt me anymore.

And in a way this feels a bit more like closure. I’ve said everything I needed to say, and now I’m done. 

Sometimes it’s better not to know

What you don’t know can’t hurt you…

Right?

Sometimes knowing can help, sometimes it can make it worse, always it makes things different.

I found out in May that the ex is having a baby with his current girlfriend. It shook me up a bit, and definitely made my path to recovery a bit bumpier, a bit harder.

But that was all I knew. I didn’t know who she is. I didn’t know how many months, or when the baby was due. I didn’t know if it was going to be a girl or boy. And I didn’t want to know.

All I wanted to know is why now? Why is she good enough and I wasn’t?

But I didn’t speak to him about it. I didn’t speak to him at all.

And it’s been in the back of my mind since then. But I didn’t know any details so it wasn’t real (to me.) And I didn’t want to know any more about him or his life now. I had cut him off, severed all ties. I don’t have him on facebook, I don’t talk to him, I don’t text him. I won’t send him a text on his birthday, christmas or new year. Nothing.

And then today I got a text from Artist. She said: Did you know your ex has just had a baby?

And now I know when, and now I know it’s real. And now I know that it’s a girl and was born a few days ago.

I still feel like I don’t deserve that: the relationship, the happy family. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want it now, but one day. And I feel like I’ll never be able to. I’ll never deserve it, I’ll never be good enough.

And he gets it all. He gets to play happy families and ignore all of the stuff that happened in the past. But me, I’m stuck in the past. And one day I’m going to end up losing S because of it. Because I can’t get over what happened with me and the ex, the whole thing was just a toxic mess that I couldn’t escape from. And even now I haven’t fully escaped… in my dreams (nightmares) and in my mind it’s still real (sometimes.) It still scares me.

And then it makes me question whether it all happened at all. Whether it really was “that bad” or whether I’ve gone crazy and imagined it all. Maybe my hatred of him twisted my memories. Maybe the arguments were because I was always doing things wrong… Maybe, maybe, maybe.

All of these thoughts, these questions have been opened up again. All of the memories I have fought so hard to keep away come flooding back.

I am angry and I am hurting. I hate him and I hate myself. I want to speak to him and I don’t. I want to know and at the same time I don’t at all. I want to ask him why I wasn’t good enough, why he treated me like he did, why someone else is good enough to have a baby with and I wasn’t.

But I’m not going to ask him. Because starting contact with him again would never end well. He would try to manipulate me again, try to make me believe he’s a different person now and that things weren’t that bad, that I’m exaggerating. And he’s had enough chances, and he always proved me right. He is not someone I want in my life (again.)

And that’s why sometimes it’s better not to know.

Trust

I’m really at a loss on what to do. My trust (or lack of it) is really becoming an issue. I just don’t trust S, even though he’s never done anything to make me not trust him.. he is kind and treats me well, we talk all the time, he doesn’t do anything wrong.

But I don’t trust him. I think it’s because of the ex (like most of my issues.) He treated me like crap, found someone else and left me. He lied to me, he hurt me, he made it impossible to trust. And now I don’t really trust anyone, and S gets the brunt of this.

I am constantly waiting for something to go wrong. He will get bored of me, or he will find someone else, or he’ll cheat on me or get fed up of dealing with this craziness… I am waiting for him to do something to prove me right – that I really am unlovable, that I don’t deserve anyone, that no one really cares and he doesn’t love me. 

And I know it’s insane. I know it’s paranoia and it’s completely irrational. But I just can’t stop. I don’t know how. And it’s pushing him away. The more I act like this, the more likely he is to do one of these things. If I’m constantly expecting him to mess up, maybe he will. Or maybe he’ll get annoyed. I know he finds it annoying that I am so paranoid, and it hurts him that I don’t trust him. 

And when I’m with him it’s the safest thing ever, but when we’re not together my mind just goes crazy. My overactive imagination goes into overdrive. I’m over-analysing everything he says and does. And I’m just waiting for something bad to happen. Because that’s what I deserve.

This relationship is so different to the one with the ex. It’s not all about sex. It’s not all about being controlled and lied to. It is safe and there is nothing wrong. But because of HIM, I don’t trust S. I just can’t. 

I really would appreciate any advice on this one. It’s taking a toll on me and the relationship. I’m so terrified of losing S and I want to stop pushing him away. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just can’t switch this off. 

He mentioned going away on a climbing trip with a friend (as an example), a female friend. And would it bother me? Yes, yes it would. I’d be going out of my mind thinking something was going on with them. And I know this is really controlling and paranoid behaviour but I just can’t stop thinking about him being with someone else.

I need to get through this issue and I don’t know how. S has always been very patient with me about all of this, but it’s wearing him out, I can tell. He can’t keep on putting up with this, and it’s driving me mad. I don’t have the energy to keep this up. I want to trust him, and I know that he loves me, I just don’t think I deserve these good things, so I’m expecting them to go wrong.

I feel sick and I’m completely on edge. It’s nearly 1:30am and I should be asleep. I want to speak to S but it’s the middle of the night and I can’t imagine he would be too pleased with a phone call now. I just want this all to stop. I’m in such a state. It makes me feel so low and I’m just so scared.

Sometimes I think I should just end it with S (before he leaves me) because I can’t deal with this. I feel like I don’t have any control, I’d never know if he had cheated on me or if he lies to me. As many times as he tells me he never would, and as many times I make him promise he would tell me if he ever did cheat, I still don’t trust him. I just don’t trust people.

I just want to be happy. 

So many tears

Warning: This post makes little or no sense, it’s just me streaming my thoughts into typing, to try and let it out and make sense of it. (Afterwards: And it still doesn’t make sense.)

The last couples of weeks I have been so emotional. In fact it’s getting on for a month now… Before that things seemed to be improving a lot but these days I just seem to be on the edge of tears constantly.

I’m crying because I’m scared, I’m sad, I’m worried… you name it, I’ll cry about it.

I know it must be difficult for S to deal with. I can tell I’m being insecure, irrational, and I’m overreacting a lot, but I can’t seem to stop it. One little thing and I’m off again, wailing like a child.

I’ve always been a “cry baby”. I always remember being that kid at school that cries about everything. I don’t know why, just really over-sensitive?

I wish I could turn all of my emotions down. They are all too extreme. Especially the sad/crying emotions. It makes me angry that I am so pathetic, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop crying?

And the more I cry, the more I worry that I’m being difficult, and the more I worry that S is going to get bored of this and leave me. And then I’m scared and ridiculously insecure so I end up being really clingy and then he will get a bit annoyed and I’ll cry (again). He must have the tolerance of a saint to put up with me. I am constantly twisting everything he says and taking things the wrong way – always in the most negative way possible. I am always seeing the worst in myself and blaming myself for everything and I know it must be tiring to have to constantly reassure someone that you’re not going to leave them. If anything, me going on like this probably makes him more likely to leave me…

I’m stuck in a rut and I’m not sure how to get myself out of this one. It’s very difficult to carry on as normal when I’m this emotional. I just want to hide in bed all the time (which is not acceptable.)

At least tomorrow I can have a bit of a lie in. And I have CBT in the afternoon so I can speak to A about this.

I just need to calm down and get a decent night’s sleep and maybe things will look better in the morning? So sick of being constantly on edge and worrying about everything. And all this crying has made me dehydrated so hello migraine (again). It’s all just going round in circles and I know I’m not helping myself. I feel like I have no control and I’m not sure how to fix all of this.

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

P.S. Forgot to mention… it probably doesn’t help that today is the 13th June. If the ex and I were still together we would have been together for 5 years. And even though we split up over 2 years ago, that thought fills me with dread. Instead of being glad I’m away from him, I torment myself with questions of why I stayed with him, and images of what if he hadn’t left me… I’d probably still be with him being used and abused. (I know this shouldn’t matter, but maybe it still does. But just to clarify – not in a “I-want-him-back” kind of way, not at all!!)

Painful hands and procrastination

My hands hurt, that is all I have to say really. I just got back from climbing with Owl, and although I enjoy climbing, today was not great!

I couldn’t do the route I was trying to do, my hands are in agony and I’m tired. But it was a pretty good workout. We spent a bit longer bouldering than usual, and tried some harder routes. That’s probably why I couldn’t do the route I was trying in top-roping (hands were already hurting after bouldering!), but it’s still frustrating. 

Today I haven’t managed to get much work done either. Did a bit of German grammar this morning (what could be more exciting?!) but I really need to get into proper revision mode… the exam is on Tuesday!! What am I doing going rockclimbing this close to an exam?!

Since S left I have been feeling pretty down and my concentration is worse again. A couple of days ago the anxiety really kicked in (again), I was hiding in my bed for most of the day and I was really freaked out (haven’t worked out why though) but that seems to have subsided (at least for now.) I keep putting myself down, and usually I feel a sense of accomplishment after climbing which helps with motivation, but today I didn’t manage to complete the route so I feel like a bit of a failure. (Even though I know it was a hard route, and it was only the 2nd time of trying a route of that grade!) 

In other news, I have come to the conclusion that nice nails do not go with climbing. I painted my nails on Friday before I went out. Owl bought me a magnetic nail varnish for my birthday that makes a cool pattern so I used that. Now (Sunday) after climbing they are ruined… It’s to be expected. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to do them again now… (More procrastination! Wait until after the exam!!)

Sorry for the boring update, but I don’t really have much else to say at present. (Just having a little moan really!) After Tuesday when I have finished my exam I will have to start focusing on my CBT stuff… I’m sure I’ll have plenty to blog about then!!

Talking of after exams, I’m going to have to start planning my dissertation! I am doing some research into how EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitation and Reprocessing – A type of therapy often used to treat PTSD) works. Has anyone tried EMDR? And if so, how did you find it? (Would be interested to know if anyone feels like they want to tell me about it)

Mess

It seems perverse that I waited so long for therapy, and now it’s here, I don’t feel ready.

I’m scared of going tomorrow. I know I should. I know it will help in the long run, but I’m scared because I don’t know how much worse I can deal with.

I’m tempted not to go. To call up and say I’m ill. I want to hide away in my bed all night and all day but I can’t. 

I can’t believe how low I feel right now. It’s hard to feel any hope when I feel like this. My dad said on the phone that it had seemed like I was feeling better this week. I can’t even remember feeling any better, I can’t remember feeling ok when I feel like this. Everything else seems to be blocked out. 

And now I’ve been crying, and I’m dehydrated so guess what, I’m rewarded with a migraine. Because I really need to feel worse don’t I? 

I am completely exhausted and losing hope. I don’t know how to get through this anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to get up and go tomorrow. I know I have to.

I’m sick of living like this. Having to do all these things and never doing things because I want to. Because I don’t, I don’t want to do anything. If I could I would stay in bed all day and do nothing. I know that’s not healthy and it wouldn’t help but that’s what I feel like doing.

Why am I such a mess?

I just want to give up. I don’t even know why I’m keeping on trying anymore.I guess I don’t want to let anyone down. And it’s not fair for me to end my pain, it would just cause pain to other people and I don’t want that. So I’m still “low risk” so it’s fine.

I wish it was easier to explain. Just because I look like I’m functioning most of the time, it doesn’t mean I’m ok. I’m not, I’m really not and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Maybe things will look better in the morning. Good night.

I am lucky

I have been feeling low for a long time. Sometimes I feel better for a few hours, even a day or a week, but then I fall back to the depths of sadness and depression.

Recently I have been remembering things, memories which are very scary, memories which have been haunting me when I’m awake as flashbacks, and in my sleep as nightmares.

But sometimes these things help us realise why we are lucky. I am lucky because I am away from him now. I am lucky because I have this blog, and lots of lovely bloggy friends here to support me. I am lucky because I have a boyfriend who makes me feel safe.

Last night I decided I needed to tell S about the nightmares and the memories. I sent him my last blog post, the one about nightmares. I copy and pasted it, he still doesn’t know where my blog is. I know he could find it if he wanted to, but I just have to trust that he respects my privacy and decision not to let anyone from my “real life” read my blog. I couldn’t talk about it, but I felt like he should know. It explains some of my strange behaviour. It explains some of the pain. I was scared that he would judge me, or tell me that I’m a slut. He didn’t. Of course he didn’t. He said

I love you so much. You know that right. I would never do anything like that to you. I love you too much to ever hurt you at all. 

I told him that I feel bad that he has to wait (for sex) and that I feel like I’m not giving him what I’m supposed to. He said

You shouldn’t use that term. Supposed to. You aren’t supposed to do anything. You give me everything I want. A cuddle and a kiss.

It brings me to tears now as I’m typing this. Because he cares, unconditionally and really. He doesn’t want to hurt me and all he wants is for me to be happy. It is strange for me that someone can treat me like this without expecting anything in return. I know my view of relationships is messed up, but I am realising how lucky I am to have S, and how much happier I am with him than I ever was with the ex.

A lot of bad things come from depression, but sometimes good things too. Today I have realised that I am lucky and I have someone who really cares and wants to look after me. Through this depression, I have learned things I didn’t know about myself, I have made this blog and I feel safe writing here, knowing that I have wonderful friends who will support me, celebrate my victories with me, and remind me that things will get better when I feel like all hope is gone.

So I just want to say Thank you, to all of you for being there for me.

Nightmares

**trigger warning – abusive relationship and sexual stuff**

I suppose it was inevitable after the post I wrote last night that I was going to have nightmares. I was scared and on edge. I had memories haunting me.

I spoke to S on the phone before I went to sleep, and it made me feel a bit better. It made me feel safer, and after putting my phone on charge, I snuggled up in my duvet with my heffalump. (Yes I still sleep with a cuddly toy! *embarrassed face*)

For some reason a memory of things with the ex came into my mind last night. We had been arguing, I can’t remember what about. As usual I was apologising. He picked up the bread knife and started cutting his arm with it. I’m scared of blood, maybe this is why I’m even more scared of blood. He scratched him arm over and over with the knife so it was bleeding. He said that’s what I’ve done to him. I was scared.

I can feel myself dissociating as I’m typing this. Each memory seems to link to another. Him threatening to overdose on paracetamol. Me screaming and crying and begging him not to. It was all my fault he said.

I suppose this is what is going to happen. In CBT we are working through traumatic memories, and it’s bound to remind me of more. Of things that I had forgotten. This is why it’s going to get harder before it gets easier.

Last night apparently I screamed twice. About half an hour apart. I woke up scared, but couldn’t remember why, or what had caused it. I don’t remember screaming – like last time I was asleep.

Then I went back to sleep and had more nightmares. They seemed to follow me all night. I don’t feel rested. I feel exhausted and scared. It’s nearly 12pm and I’ve only just got up. I have to be somewhere at 1, I need to get ready, need to get going. I have to be ok.

I can’t remember all the details, I never do with nightmares. I can remember being with the ex. Him being with someone else and me begging him to come back to me. I told him he could do anything he wanted with me. He made me suck his penis, forcing me to go deeper so I was gagging. We had sex and as I was in pain, he carried on. I felt used, embarrassed, hurt. But I told him he could do what he wanted, and he did. So he didn’t do anything wrong, right?

And all this leads me back to my feelings of shame around sex. When I was with the ex I didn’t even seem to realise that I didn’t have to do sexual stuff whenever he wanted. It was like I thought it was his right. I used to use sex to solve arguments, anytime he was angry I’d “make it up to him”. And I didn’t know this wasn’t a normal relationship. I feel so stupid.

I just want to hide. I feel so sick, so ashamed, so scared.

I just want all of these thoughts and memories to stop.

Why Ellie shouldn’t drink

**Trigger warning – self harm**

Last night I went out with my society from uni. We had a “mad hatters’ tea party” theme, and I was quite excited about it, had made an excellent hat, and we were expecting quite a few people to turn up.

Only 2 non-exec members turned up. What a disappointment! On the other hand – more cocktails for us.

I drank too much. I am not used to drinking vodka, as I usually stick to peach schnapps (which is half of the alcohol percentage!) so drinking vodka obviously got me quite drunk!

After a bit of a mix up going into town, it ended up that I was on my own, and so I didn’t want to go to the club in case I couldn’t find anyone.

It was on the walk home that I realised how drunk I was. I walked home alone, crying. I was swaying and not walking in a straight line. I don’t really know how I managed to get home safely in that state, but I did.

I opened the front door and then crawled up the stairs.

I felt awful. I wanted to die. I wanted to speak to S. He was getting back from holiday late last night so I texted and asked if he could ring when he got home.

I cried and cried and thought about taking all my tablets. I didn’t. I cut my leg instead. Not very deep at all – only scratches really, but just enough to make it bleed a little. I barely remember doing this, but the evidence is there to see.

I was lying in bed in the dark with my knife and then threw it on the floor.

I must have fallen asleep.

I woke up at about 4:30am, feeling a bit dizzy and sick. Got a glass of water and then realised that S didn’t call me. Was very upset about that.

This morning S texted me and said that I did speak to him on the phone last night. I have no recollection of this at all. Apparently I said “I love you. I miss you. I need you.” and not a lot else.

How embarrassing. And it’s not fair. We aren’t even together anymore so how can I say that stuff to him?

We spoke on the phone this morning and I did a lot of apologising and crying. I still don’t know if I want to be with him or not, and whether it would be a good idea to be in a relationship right now.

I told him about the self harm and he was really upset. I had promised him before that I wouldn’t do it again. But I did. I feel terrible and I don’t even know why I did it.

At the end of the day it doesn’t actually help me, does it? It just hurting. It’s just a punishment, just a way to change the pain.

I feel ashamed. I feel like a horrible terrible person. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just want to feel better and I don’t know how.

And this is why Ellie shouldn’t drink.

Jumble of nothingness

I don’t feel good at all.

My mind is a swirling mess. Not a single thought that makes sense. Just a big jumble of nothingness.

I have an exam tomorrow. I have work to do. Why can’t I concentrate? Why aren’t I worried? Why don’t I care?

I don’t even want to go. I just want to stay in bed all day.

My brain hurts. My heart hurts. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore.

Give me a break. Just a night where I can sleep and wake up not feeling tired in the morning. I am so tired. I’ve been so tired for so long. Someone asked me a while ago when the last time was that I wasn’t tired. I said I don’t know; maybe a few years ago. That’s ridiculous.