Realisations and pain

I feel so broken. I’ve come to lots of realisations this week about my behaviour and my relationship with S.

I took him from granted. I relied on him way too much, to the point that I can’t regulate my emotions myself. I can’t self soothe because I never had to. And that dependency was something I learned from my previous relationship, the ex really broke me down so I lost all my confidence and ability to look after myself. That’s a long time ago now but it still has its effects. He wanted me to be dependent on him because that’s how he controlled me. Unfortunately I transferred this dependency onto S and I never realised until this week how serious and negative that was.

It’s hard for me to know what to do now; I feel lost. I don’t have a very good sense of self (another thing to thank the ex for!) I find it hard to know who I am and I tend to define myself by my relationships (a daughter, a sister, previously – a girlfriend) and my job, because I don’t know how else to do it. So now one of my major identities is gone, lost.

Unfortunately I think it’s one of “those too little too late” moments or “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” type things. I would give anything to turn back time and deal with things differently, but I can’t so I am going to have to live with it and try and learn from it.

I know my faults – I am very emotional and not good at regulating emotions, I get angry and lose control of my temper, I overreact and I get carried away with my thoughts, making up explanations which are usually wildly wrong. I put myself down constantly and have no confidence, I rely on others for my happiness. I pushed S away, and yet pulled him back, over and over (my therapist described it as the “I hate you. Don’t leave me” phenomenon). And all of it makes sense given my history, but none of it is S’ fault. None of it can be changed by anyone but me.

There is so much work for me to do on myself. Work I was hoping to continue while in the relationship with S, but plans have changed and I’m on my own now to work it all out. I’m glad that I’m still having counselling as this is helpful. I need to work on myself so that I never end up in this ridiculous situation again.

Feeling quite reflective today. Now it’s time for bed.

Love, Ellie xx

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And then I remember

I see things that remind me of you,

A meme, and I go to tag you,

A bad day, and I go to tell you,

Then I remember, I can’t anymore.

The pain is intense and it burns inside,

I go to sleep crying again and again,

I wake up feeling like everything is ok,

Then I remember, you left.

People say time heals everything,

They tell me things happen for a reason,

But I lost you and now I’m lost,

And then I remember the good times.

The happy memories we shared

Still bring a smile to my face,

They still make me laugh like they did,

And then I remember, there won’t be any more.

The evolution of my depression

When I first got diagnosed with depression and anxiety, it was very much trauma related and I had flashbacks, nightmares, the whole shebang… (there were also mentions of PTSD from the Psych, which I am sure I did have). I was lost and depressed and I didn’t know who I was. My abusive relationship had taken my identity and confidence and buried them somewhere far far away. 

Fast forward over 6 years to today, I have dealt with a lot of the trauma. I still get triggered occasionally, but not multiple times a day like previously, and now I can walk down the street at home without being scared, and I can drive past the road sign that says the place name where he lived… all that “normal” stuff that used to be so hard and triggering for me. 

Now I have a different problem, my migraines and pain and fatigue have spiralled out of control. I wouldn’t say my depression ever completely went, but it was much more manageable, now I find a lot of my negative thoughts and depression and anxiety are around the pain/fatigue.

 I feel hopeless because I know that neither my migraines or fibro are curable (the consultants are aiming to help me reduce rather than cure the migraines, and to manage the pain and fatigue of fibro.)

Some days when the pain is bad or the migraines are bad and persistent, I find myself questioning the point of my life. Sometimes I feel like there’s no way I want to live like this for another 60+ years. 

My biggest fears are now that I won’t be able to do things. This week has been hard, it has taken everything I have to get to work and do my job, and it’s only Wednesday. It makes me wonder how long I will be able to work full time for? How long before I have to give up my dream of being a clinical psychologist (training, if I ever get into it, would be intense and fulltime – balancing placements, studies and research)? I am going on a really exciting trip next year with the scouts, and I am terrified that I won’t be able to actually go. The aim of the trip is to build a large structure so will involve a lot of physical activity and it is at altitude.

Clearly I am not feeling very positive today. Some days I do, most days I don’t. It is hard for me to accept the way that my conditions are affecting my life, and that they will always affect me. I always had the hope the one day I would overcome my anxiety and depression, but this is different, I know that this won’t go away. And actually even my psychiatrist said that we are working to manage my symptoms as I have chronic depression. Pretty crap.

Ok, negative post done. I am working on something more positive which I hope to post in early December – I am trying yoga this month. Also, I have a physio appointment tomorrow and they are going to give me an exercise plan for graded exercise therapy as treatment for fibro. I’m really hoping it will be helpful! Will probably write a post about it to keep you updated!

Love, 

Ellie xx

 

The evolution of my depression

When I first got diagnosed with depression and anxiety, it was very much trauma related and I had flashbacks, nightmares, the whole shebang… (there were also mentions of PTSD from the Psych, which I am sure I did have). I was lost and depressed and I didn’t know who I was. My abusive relationship had taken my identity and confidence and buried them somewhere far far away. 

Fast forward over 6 years to today, I have dealt with a lot of the trauma. I still get triggered occasionally, but not multiple times a day like previously, and now I can walk down the street at home without being scared, and I can drive past the road sign that says the place name where he lived… all that “normal” stuff that used to be so hard and triggering for me. 

Now I have a different problem, my migraines and pain and fatigue have spiralled out of control. I wouldn’t say my depression ever completely went, but it was much more manageable, now I find a lot of my negative thoughts and depression and anxiety are around the pain/fatigue.

 I feel hopeless because I know that neither my migraines or fibro are curable (the consultants are aiming to help me reduce rather than cure the migraines, and to manage the pain and fatigue of fibro.)

Some days when the pain is bad or the migraines are bad and persistent, I find myself questioning the point of my life. Sometimes I feel like there’s no way I want to live like this for another 60+ years. 

My biggest fears are now that I won’t be able to do things. This week has been hard, it has taken everything I have to get to work and do my job, and it’s only Wednesday. It makes me wonder how long I will be able to work full time for? How long before I have to give up my dream of being a clinical psychologist (training, if I ever get into it, would be intense and fulltime – balancing placements, studies and research)? I am going on a really exciting trip next year with the scouts, and I am terrified that I won’t be able to actually go. The aim of the trip is to build a large structure so will involve a lot of physical activity and it is at altitude.

Clearly I am not feeling very positive today. Some days I do, most days I don’t. It is hard for me to accept the way that my conditions are affecting my life, and that they will always affect me. I always had the hope the one day I would overcome my anxiety and depression, but this is different, I know that this won’t go away. And actually even my psychiatrist said that we are working to manage my symptoms as I have chronic depression. Pretty crap.

Ok, negative post done. I am working on something more positive which I hope to post in early December – I am trying yoga this month. Also, I have a physio appointment tomorrow and they are going to give me an exercise plan for graded exercise therapy as treatment for fibro. I’m really hoping it will be helpful! Will probably write a post about it to keep you updated!

Love, 

Ellie xx

 

In denial? 

Since diagnosis in August, I’ve gone through a whole range of emotions about fibromyalgia… disappointment, anger, depression… but today I want to talk about denial. 

Let me start by saying this is just how I am feeling and does not reflect the situation anyone else is in. I am not in any way saying that people who (like me) are able to function quite well do not have fibro, but I just wanted to write about my concerns about myself. 

I know that I get pain. I know that’s not normal. I know the level of tiredness I experience isn’t normal either. 

But 

(And there’s always a but)

I sometimes feel like (and today is one of those days) I am able to do too much for someone with fibromyalgia. I work full time (and have been working over fulltime since April – left my 2nd job yesterday to go ‘down’ to fulltime) and I manage to do a lot of things like being a scout leader and dog walking. 

Shouldn’t I be stuck at home if I have fibromyalgia? It can’t be “that bad” if I am able to do these things. 

What if it isn’t fibromyalgia and I’m just making a big fuss. 

Everyone else I have come across with fibro has it much worse than me, so what if mine isn’t real? 

I know I have a diagnosis now but today I feel like it’s not valid. 

Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment with the pain and fatigue CBT team, I am interested to see how that goes. 

Feeling a bit funny at the moment. I think part of me wants the diagnosis to be wrong, and part of me just doesn’t feel like my experience is valid enough for the diagnosis… maybe I’m just in denial?

Love,

Ellie xx

In denial? 

Since diagnosis in August, I’ve gone through a whole range of emotions about fibromyalgia… disappointment, anger, depression… but today I want to talk about denial. 

Let me start by saying this is just how I am feeling and does not reflect the situation anyone else is in. I am not in any way saying that people who (like me) are able to function quite well do not have fibro, but I just wanted to write about my concerns about myself. 

I know that I get pain. I know that’s not normal. I know the level of tiredness I experience isn’t normal either. 

But 

(And there’s always a but)

I sometimes feel like (and today is one of those days) I am able to do too much for someone with fibromyalgia. I work full time (and have been working over fulltime since April – left my 2nd job yesterday to go ‘down’ to fulltime) and I manage to do a lot of things like being a scout leader and dog walking. 

Shouldn’t I be stuck at home if I have fibromyalgia? It can’t be “that bad” if I am able to do these things. 

What if it isn’t fibromyalgia and I’m just making a big fuss. 

Everyone else I have come across with fibro has it much worse than me, so what if mine isn’t real? 

I know I have a diagnosis now but today I feel like it’s not valid. 

Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment with the pain and fatigue CBT team, I am interested to see how that goes. 

Feeling a bit funny at the moment. I think part of me wants the diagnosis to be wrong, and part of me just doesn’t feel like my experience is valid enough for the diagnosis… maybe I’m just in denial?

Love,

Ellie xx

Learning to manage 

I know that chronic illnesses have ups and downs. I know that there will be times when my symptoms are unbearable and times when they are barely noticeable. 

But this weekend it feels like it’s getting worse. I feel like my body has no resilience. I am living weekend to weekend. Yesterday I went for lunch with a friend and we went to the theatre. It was nice. It didn’t involve much walking or physical activity at all, yet I was still knackered when I got home. Yesterday evening my pain got worse than it ever has before. As in the generalised all over achyness as opposed to a specific pain actually caused by something (anyone ever stepped on a plug? Ouch!) 

Today I took my scouts on a hike. It was 6 miles. I am tireddd! When I agreed to do this, it was at a time when my pain wasn’t too bad. Last night I was not sure if i would be able to do it today. Managed to sleep and felt a lot better this morning. Not good, but better than yesterday. 

So I did the hike. I am bloody knackered. I don’t think I’ll do it again next year if things are the same. I’m disappointed. The fear I had last night was this is the beginning of not being able to do things. This is the beginning of limiting my activities, of not being able to do activities that “normal” people can do. That’s scary. It makes me sad. 

So now that I’ve overdone it, it’s time for self care…

I have just been through half of my wardrobe and thrown a load of stuff out, I feel exhilarated. For some reason, despite feeling exhausted, it felt like what I wanted to do. So I did. I am watching some random stuff on YouTube while I did it, just chilling. 

I have put a face mask on and it has dried and now my face looks all funny and shiny. I will peal it off soon 😊 I am about to run a nice bubble bath listening to relaxing music and then I’ll put my pyjamas on. Lovely! 

Hope everyone is having a nice and restful weekend and not overdoing it! 

Love,

Ellie xx

Ouch

This week I have had migraines 4 days in a row. I am limited on the number of times per month I can take medication so this worries me. I had to leave work at lunchtime today because it got bad. 

I am fed up of my bloody migraines. I get about 20 days per month of migraines/headaches now which is ridiculous!! So far this month I have had 10 (out of only 13 days)

I feel completely exhausted and I am aching all over. But at least (for now) the migraine has gone. The pain is weird. My limbs feel very heavy and today it hurts to pick things up. I went to get a glass out of the cupboard earlier but it hurt to raise my arm. I get a weird sensation like my feet are on fire, and they go all tingly. Then I get random bursts of pain in different areas of my body. 

 Being in pain really brings my mood down. It makes me feel like there’s no point and it worries me that one day I might not be able to do the things I want to do, or things I take for granted now like taking the dog for long walks, going to work etc. 

I am struggling with sleep at the moment too. Going to bed later, taking longer to get to sleep, waking in the night. 

It just all feels too much right now. Hoping I will get a good nights sleep and tomorrow I will be in less pain. Hoping for a migraine-free day! 

Sorry for writing a post just to moan about things. Just needed to let it out. 

Love,

Ellie xx

I won

Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Since then I have been sky diving and completed a 4 day walking expedition. Take that chronic pain and fatigue! 

I feel so proud that I finished my hike. It was bloody hard and painkillers and sugar were my friends, but I did it. I was incredibly lucky with the weather (hello burnt arms!) and that I had a lovely team I was walking with, but we did it. The first morning of the first day I wasn’t sure if I would get to the end, but I was determined and continued. By the end of day 4 I was in agony and all I could manage was putting one foot in front of the other (had to leave the map reading to the others) but WE DID IT!

I’m completely shattered now though. Clever me thought it would be a good idea to go straight back to work afterwards, it was not. Still, only one more day at work until the weekend and my best friend is coming to stay!! 

I want to remember this when the pain and fatigue takes over and I feel like I can’t do anything. I will not let this control my life, I will not let it win. I will not let a diagnosis stop me from doing the things I want to do*. So for this week I can say, I won. 

Will write again soon, got a load of posts in draft but this week I’m too sleepy!

Love,

Ellie xx

*although I need to learn to manage my time and ability to stop and rest better, but I’ll get there in time. 

What if this is it

I’m afraid this is a bit of a negative one. Feeling sorry for myself this evening. The fear that things will always be this way is strong today. My physical symptoms are getting on top of me and being positive is too much today. 

Love Ellie xx
Like a vampire, avoiding light 

A slow and tired sloth 

There are a group of little creatures

Having a disco in my head. 

Their music thumping away. 

Someone has pumped my body full of lead

Limbs heavy 

Mind heavy 

A thought occurs to me, a whisper in my mind 

“This is the rest of my life”

Pain and tiredness

Feeling blue 

“What if this is it?”