Letter writing challenge – 11

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Grandad,

I miss you. You know that though don’t you? I hope you do. I wish I got longer to spend with you, I was only 10 when you died. I knew there was something wrong while I was away.

I was going on the year 6 ski trip with the school. I went, I loved it – of course, but I knew, I had this feeling that there was something wrong at home. No one believed me of course, but I just had this feeling, I can’t explain it. I got back, I remember the coach drove past my house and I saw Nannie’s car on the drive. Why was she here? That wasn’t planned, Nannie rarely comes to visit. I got home, and that’s when they told me. I think Dad told me, that you had died the night before I left to go on the ski trip.

I was angry. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I cried. Dad said he didn’t want to ruin the ski trip for me, he said you wouldn’t have wanted me to be upset on my trip. I know he’s right, you were such a lovely and caring man. I never once saw you angry, you always had a game and a joke with us kids, and you always made us all feel so welcome at your house. I used to love coming round every Sunday to see you, Nanna and the rest of the family. We still did that after you were gone of course, but it’s never been the same. 17 became 16 and it just isn’t right. We all miss you, I hope you know that. I know Nanna does especially. She always seems so happy when she speaks about you – happy memories, and she always tells me “he was such a lovely man” – but I know that, I remember that.

I remember you had a gold lighter. You used to smoke a pipe all the time. You used to light the lighter, and me and Actress used to pop up from behind your chair and blow it out. You used to pretend you didn’t know where it had gone, and we did this week after week for several years probably, yet you never minded – you always played along. Then you’d relight it again, and if we were quick enough, we’d blow it out again.

I wish you could see us all now. Well, maybe you can. I hope you can. If you can, you don’t need to read all this because you already know, but everyone likes letters right?

Do you remember the ride on scooter you had when you couldn’t walk very well? It had two settings on – a tortoise and a hare. We used to race you down the hill to the field, and you always used to let us win I think.

Sometimes when I go past the church I stop by the gate and talk to you. Out loud. I tell you what’s going on. I want to make you proud. I know you always were, so proud of all of us. And I wish more than anything that you weren’t taken away so long ago. I hope you’re at peace now, safe and happy somewhere, I’m glad you didn’t have to suffer anymore.

I just wanted you to know, I remember you, I miss you, and I have so many happy memories with you and the rest of the family.

Lots of love,

Ellie xx

P.S. I know my name isn’t Ellie, don’t worry I haven’t changed it, it’s just for anonymity purposes!

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Letter Writing Challenge – 5

Day 5 — Your dreams

I’m not sure if it means dreams as in while you’re asleep or dreams as in things you want to do in life, so I’ll do both.

 

Dear Dreams,

Why are you so weird? Why do you scare me, make me happy, make me sad? Why are you there? Why do I sometimes remember you and sometimes not? Why do you haunt me with memories of my past?

I don’t understand how you work. Sometimes you’re based on memories, I can understand that – you come from things that have happened, but what about the strange ones? Where do you come from? When you’re in places I’ve never been in real life, and then it turns out the real place is just like you showed me? And that time when I was younger, how did you predict the future? How did you know just what that poet was going to say? Why did you show me that? I can’t remember it now, I don’t think it was anything super amazing or special, but I knew what he was going to say, because you showed me it about a week before.

I’m going to sleep now, please be good tonight. Don’t haunt me, don’t scare me, don’t make me cry. Be nice, I’ll like you much better that way.

Love Ellie xx

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Dear Dreams,

I hope you come true. There’s so much I want to do, so much I want to achieve – well you know that! I have high expectations of myself, you know that too. I know there’s a lot of you, and some of you are very serious, some a bit silly, and some very unlikely, but I hope I meet you all – when (if) you come true.

Above all else, my dream is to make a difference. It doesn’t have to be a big difference in the scheme of things, but I want to change people’s lives (for the better), I want to help people, care for them, I want to be that person who makes everything okay – because there isn’t a person like that in my life. (Well, boyfriend is pretty good at making things okay, but even he can’t fix everything.)

I’m scared I’ll never meet you dreams, that you’ll never become a reality. Then what? I’ve failed. I can’t deal with that. I need to achieve everything, I need to make a difference, I can’t fail. You’re the part of life that makes things worth it – because if you come true then I’ll be “fixed”, I’ll be happy, I’ll be helping people, I’ll be looking after elephants, getting married and having my own family, I’ll be travelling round the world, I’ll be writing, I’ll be a psychologist and fluent in German, I’ll be everything I want to be. So as long as there’s a chance that you’ll come true, I’m going to keep going, keep trying, keep working, keep hoping.

Please dreams, work with me here, I just want to meet you.

Love Ellie xx

Letter writing challenge – 21

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Dear Owl*,

I am very sorry to be writing this, and incredibly embarrassed. I am a pretty openminded person generally, however I have to admit that initially I did “judge a book by its cover” in your case.

I met you on my first day of university – you were (and still are) one of my housemates. When I saw you walk in with your (dyed) blonde straightened hair and branded clothing, and a mum who seemed to do everything you wanted, I did think we would be unlikely to get on, and that you would be studying something that wasn’t academic, and that you would be incredibly spoilr.

This sounds so shallow and nasty, but the letter challenge told me to write this. The truth is the world is based on first impressions and people judge – rightly or wrongly based on these. Within a few hours of knowing you I discovered that you study Computer Science… COMPUTER SCIENCE? I was very surprised, I did not expect someone like yourself to study this subject, and (again I am embarrassed to admit) I expected computer science students to be very geeky and not very sociable… I know that this is an unfair stereotype. After a year of knowing you, and having met some of your comsci friends, I know that the stereotype is not true, and will try in future not to make these stupid prejudgments!

I have found that although you are into your make up, fashion and shows such as Made in Chelsea and Geordie Shore, you are also pretty intelligent, and a very lovely person! I am so glad that in this case my first impression was wrong, and we do get along. In fact we are now living together again (having chosen who we live with this time!) and I couldn’t be happier that I’m living with you, footballer and geog!**

I have found that at times you can act spoilt, but I guess a lot of people are at times, and you are an only child so I guess it’s not that surprising. This year (so far – it’s only been a week) I feel that you’ve grown up anyway, you are being more cautious with money (well…except the shopping) but you’re not expecting people to do stuff for you or asking mummy and daddy for everything like I had initally suspected. Well, I’ll put my hands up…I was wrong. And for once, I’m glad I’m wrong.

Truth be told, I was expecting you to be more like H. She is also blonde hair, lots of make up and computer science, however she lacks the intelligence you have, and has a shallow personality too. She’s one of those barbie girls. I know you’re friends with her, although even you are becoming annoyed with her at times! For example expecting to go on that holiday for free!!*** Anyway, that’s off topic – back to the point!!

I’m sorry I judged you based on appearances and first impressions. I wonder if you did too. I wonder what people’s first impressions of me are…

Lots of love,

Ellie**** xx

The moral of the story is the typical “don’t judge a book by its cover”, but also sometimes you will find your first impressions were completely wrong, and you may just end up living with someone you thought you wouldn’t like!!

 

*Owl shall be added to my “who I write about” page soon! And her name is because she likes owls – duh! 😛

**Geog shall also be added to the list, although hopefully with a better name!!

*** L and W (2 of H’s housemates) were in a relationship and booked a holiday together, before the holiday they split up, so obviously didn’t want to go together… awkward whale!! So H wanted to go with L instead, however expected W to pay for her to go anyway, as it was just going to waste otherwise!! Cannot believe this girl!

****I have decided I shall now just use Ellie as my name on here (Thanks to Bourbon for this! :D) and I hope Wee Gee doesn’t mind me using her asterisks…they’re very useful! 😛

Letter writing challenge – 25

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Dear P,

I know things are really hard for you at the moment. I’ve tried to be there for you, but you rarely reply. I know you’re busy with W*, and that you’re struggling with social anxiety and depression but if you push people away how can we be there for you?

I’m so sorry to hear that your mum is in hospital. I’m thinking of you and your family, and I really hope and pray that she gets better. I know you have too much to deal with at the moment but hold on.

You have people around you that care about you. I know F** tried to overdose, but she didn’t manage to – she’s still here. She’s still your best friend and she’s there for you, just like you are for her. I hope C*** is supporting you through these hard times – everything bad seems to have come at once.

Try to find joy in your life, you still have W and C, and your mum will make it, I can feel it. I hope your dad has recovered now too, I know he was in hospital too recently. Such a lot to deal with, I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could take all this pain away from you. I wish I could fix it all for you.

You probably forget I exist most of the time. We’ve barely spoken since college, and besides your attendance was appalling! (Ok, so you were pregnant at the time so I guess that’s a decent excuse!) I saw you this summer and it was so nice to catch up, and to see how much W has grown in just a year!

I hope your doctors are giving you the help you need. You are on antidepressants, but you think, and I also think that you might be bipolar instead. I hope your referral comes through quickly and that they’re able to help you.

I’m so sorry that life has dealt you a shitty hand at the moment. Things will get better, keep hoping and believing, and remember I am always there for you if you need me, or if you just want to talk. We suffer from many of the same symptoms (tiredness, depression, anxiety, sometimes being scared to leave the house, fear of failure… the list goes on.) We’re not that different, you and I and I miss us being in regular contact.

I’ll keep trying, and keep hoping for you. Things will improve, there is hope!****

Lots of love

Anxious Elephant

*her baby

**her best friend

*** her boyfriend and W’s dad

**** borrowed this phrase from Buckwheats risk!

Letter writing challenge – 22

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

This one came up from my random number selection today. Bums. This will be hard to write. Initially I thought of my ex, but that wouldn’t be a second chance, that would be a thousandth chance, and besides – I don’t want to give him anymore chances. Then there’s Piglet – I suppose I would give her another chance, but we haven’t spoken in over a year (not through my choosing)

I’ve already given Kittens a second chance. We fell out big time a few years ago, but we’re now close friends again. So who would I want to give a second chance to? I know. Mollusc. I am giving her that second chance now, but that counts…right?

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Dear Mollusc,

You really hurt me when you stopped being my friend. We used to be so close, we had Mollusc day together, and so many good laughs in German, Maths and English – and that’s just the in school stuff. You were at one point my closest friend at school. You were the first to know about ex before we were together, and yet you reacted so strangely when we (me and ex) finally got together properly.

I will never forget when I received an email from you, saying something along the lines of: it’s a shame because we’ve had some good times, but we can’t be friends anymore. I will be civil to you but that’s it.”

It really hurt Mollusc, more than you will know. Especially with S. doing it at the same time. Did you agree together that you’d stop being friends with me?

I know I did wrong too. I didn’t mean to abandon you, I was caught up with ex, and he was controlling, subtly at first. He made me feel bad if I didn’t spend time with him at break and lunch, he made me feel that I wasn’t allowed to meet up with you guys. I’m so sorry about that. I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted to lose you as a friend. But it hurt that you did that. Especially by email…

I’m so glad we’ve sorted things out now. I remember when we were going to Cambridge’s birthday, I knew you were going, and I was terrified. We were going for a night out in London for her 18th birthday. I hadn’t seen you for nearly 2 years. No contact at all.

Then we spoke. At first it was a little awkward. Then you apologised. It meant so much to me, it really did. I apologised too, and pretty soon we were chatting away like none of it had happened.

We will never be as close as we used to be, but things are a lot better. There’s no strain anymore, and I hope we can build up a friendship again, because we get/got along so well, I always have a laugh when I’m with you.

I hope you’re enjoying your freshers week Mollusc, I think I’ll text you after this letter (that you’ll never read!). I hope I’m right in giving you a second chance, I’m fairly sure I am though. It was all a long time ago, we both made mistakes, and we’re over them now. (I hope so anyway.)

Lots of love,

your mollusc buddy xx

Letter Writing Challenge – 29

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

I used a random number generator and it picked 29. It seems strange to start a 30 day writing challenge with number 29, but never mind. Here goes, my letter to the person I want to tell everything to, but I’m too afraid to.

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Dear Sheep,

I haven’t known you all that long, but we click. We are so similar in many ways, and I consider you to be one of my best friends. I’m so glad we met, and you are such a great friend, but you don’t know everything (about me). I don’t think you ever will.

I’ve told you a little bit about my depression and anxiety. Just a little, just before you left to go to Germany. I thought you knew, I thought it was obvious, but I guess I must be a better actor than I thought.

You know I’ve “got depression”, but you don’t know why. Not many people do to be fair, but it’s strange that considering how close we are, you don’t know these things.

You know that me and ex had a bad break up, but you don’t know everything. You don’t know how bad things were with me and him. You don’t know that he controlled everything I did for near enough 3 years, you don’t know that he had a hell of a temper. You don’t know that he hurt me more than anyone can ever know (emotionally), and you don’t even know that he hurt me sometimes (physically.)

Then there’s the big secret. You don’t know. Not many people do. Boyfriend knows, so do Kittens and Monkey. And footballer. But that’s about it. Artist doesn’t know either. I’ve known her since year 4, and she doesn’t even know. Monkey and footballer only know because I ended up telling them when I was drunk – not so great at acting then.

So shall I tell you in this letter? I still haven’t decided even now as I’m writing this. It’s a delicate issue, and it is one of the main causes of my depression I think.

I can’t do it. I can’t type it. I can’t tell you, or anyone. I’m sorry. I am not coping very well.

I really miss you Sheep, now that you’re in Germany. I miss being able to chat to you, and have our random strange half German – half English conversations. I can’t wait to come and visit you in Germany, and I’m so glad you’re enjoying it.

Maybe one day I’ll get the guts to tell you everything. I can’t see it happening to be honest, but maybe one day.

Lots of love,

Elephant xxx

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I can’t even write it. Not here anyway. Because if I write it in this letter, then my WP readers can read it. And they will judge me. And they will leave.