Just a little post

Hi everyone,

I am back from my trip to Amsterdam which was lovely (more details to come soon in a dedicated post!)
Unfortunately my laptop is currently away being repaired so I can only get to wordpress from my iPad. I don’t mind reading blogs on here but I prefer writing my posts on a laptop really (not sure why) so this is just a short catch up post! My laptop should be back at the end of next week so then I can get back to my regular posts! But this week there might be a couple of posts if I can deal with using the iPad for it (the app does seem to have improved recently actually!)

Things are a bit wobbly over here… I’m fine but have been feeling very low for the last few days, with no real explanation. I think part of it is nerves about Germany, and then there is the “normal” ups and downs of depression anyway. I am going to see the doctor on Thursday but I doubt she can do anything – no time for therapy before Germany and I think I’m already on the max dosage of my medication… Hopefully my mood will lift soon. I was fine/good while I was away, and my mood always seems better when S is around (as pathetic as that is!) but everyone has ups and downs, so hopefully things will feel better soon.

This started off as a short post but now I’ve started I suddenly have lots to say!
The last few days I have spent most of the days in bed (not good!) but I managed to go climbing on Sunday which was fun (even if I’m still aching now, more than 2 days later!) Today after a morning in bed, I actually got a few things done – applied for my new passport and started the massive task of unpacking/tidying/clearing out my room… (Despite the fact I’ve been home for a month now, I had been putting it off!) it’s looking a lot better already and I know I will feel better with a tidy room!

There’s lots to do in the next few weeks before I leave for Germany… All very exciting and scary but I am really hoping this year is going to be good for me. S says he thinks it will help me as I will have to be more independent and I will see that I can do stuff by myself. A year off from exams will be lovely too!

Anyway that’s enough of my rambles I think… I feel as if I should change the title now as its a bit of a lie… But never mind.

Good night world,
Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

Advertisements

I did something for me

Today I was meant to be doing my volunteering and then working in the evening. This morning I woke up feeling completely exhausted and achy. I don’t know if it’s the weather or maybe I am just too run down and exhausted from doing too much… but I called in sick to my volunteering, and now I have until 5pm to sleep, relax and take time for myself. 

I feel guilty about it, as I physically could do the volunteering today. I feel bad for not going, like I’m letting people down. But to be honest, when I’m feeling like this I’m probably not much use to anyone anyway. Yes I’m tired and yes I’m achy but it’s not impossible to deal with. But something I’ve learned in the past is that if I keep going and going and going, eventually I burn out and that’s when things start to go really downhill. So today I am doing something for myself: nothing.

So now I’m going to watch the rest of Silver Linings Playbook (as recommended by MMS here!) and then I am going back to bed to catch up on sleep!

 

Dependent

I hate being dependent on other people. Especially S.

Because he could leave (like the ex did.) That’s why you should never let anyone be everything to you. But it’s hard not to rely on him.

I hate how my happiness relies on him. When I’m with S I am generally much happier. It’s when I’m on my own I feel down. And I overanalyse every little thing. Why do I do it to myself? I’m torturing myself over things I can’t change. Things that are said and done, it’s too late to change them.

And things that he doesn’t even care about but I do. I feel fat, and I hate it. But I’m scared of starting exercise again like before because it’s addictive, like not eating – addictive and not good. 

I haven’t been blogging that much recently. Too busy. Life just gets in the way. But I still need time for myself. I’m going to try and set aside some time each day for myself. To reflect on how things are, to write my blog, to do some mindfulness stuff (because I haven’t done any of it in ages, and it was helping I think.)

Sometimes I think I do too much and I don’t allow myself enough time to just be. On Monday I had a day to do nothing. I slept until about 1, then pottered around doing not much – reading blogs, watching TV. But it was nice, just sometimes it’s nice to do nothing. Nothing that matters anyway. I’m always in such a rush all the time, maybe I should take a step back and try to relax a bit.

This post got a bit more reflective than I expected. Just a quick one before bed. To get some thoughts out of my mind. This one is like a mental stream (MMS you should be proud!)

I just want to stop for a bit. I wish I could pause the world, like in Bernard’s watch (did anyone watch that?) And then I could just take some time, with nothing going on. Wouldn’t it be nice?

But relaxing has always been difficult for me, that’s something I need to learn to do. A was right – I can’t give 100% all the time, it’s too exhausting. I need to relax too, and take some time for me – not to work or volunteer or even socialise, just to unwind.

Hopefully my holiday will help me relax a bit. On Monday I am off to Amsterdam (not Prague as originally planned) so I’m sure I will have an Amsterdam-related post at the end of next week!

As you might be able to tell, my mind is a bit of a jumble at the moment, if you managed to follow this post and its changing topics – well done!

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

Why?

I just don’t get it.

Things are good, really good.

I got my first for this year, against all the odds. I got my summer job back so I will have some money. I’ve booked my flight to Germany and got accommodation sorted for the first few weeks, and I’ve even met a girl who will be in the same town. I am going on holiday with S next week (although we still haven’t actually booked it!) and this morning I received an email saying that I won a prize for my work in German this year.

So why do I still feel low?

I have everything right now, and I’m still not happy…

Do I just want too much? Do I just expect everything to be perfect?

But there is nothing wrong, nothing at all. So why do I want to hide in my bed? Why do I feel like crying? Why do I still have this inexplicable feeling of sadness, emptiness, pain…?

I know I am a lot better than I was. But before things were hard, I had some reasons. I guess I still have some reasons, but a lot of them are gone now – living away from home, exam stress, coursework stress, the massive fear of not doing well enough in my uni work… All of that is gone and yet I don’t feel better. At least the anxiety should be lower.. but it’s not. I am on edge, and I’ve bitten all my nails off (again.) 

To be perfectly honest, even reading that I got a first didn’t properly cheer me up. I was happy, surprised for a few minutes. And then I was like “oh well”. What is that?! I have worked so hard all year for that, I have worried myself for months, I have waited anxiously for my results, and then all I can say is “oh well”?!

Nothing I ever do will ever be good enough (for myself.)

Maybe I’m doomed to always be disappointed because perfection doesn’t exist, no matter how much I or anyone else strives for it.

I just want to be “normal”… I want to react to things in a normal way. I should be celebrating my achievements, I should be excited and looking forward to the future, but instead I’m feeling numb.

And I still haven’t unpacked… I’ve been home over 2 weeks (oops.)

Someone explain all this?

 

I can and I did

Anyone reading my blog in April/May/June will already know that that was the dreaded exam season! Well yesterday was the (possibly even more dreaded) results day!

After this year, I don’t think it would be strange for me to expect to not have done that well on my exams. Although towards the end of the year and exams I was starting to feel better, it became clear during revision that my revision was in fact learning material (rather than revising it) and my concentration levels were just too low.

It’s no secret that I aim (too) high. I am a perfectionist, particularly with my academic work… so only a first would be “good enough” according to my brain.

But I did it. Despite all of the difficulties of the year, despite having exams that went quite badly (and results from these exams that aren’t great) there were also exams that I did very well in, bringing my aggregate score up to a first (just!)  – but still, a first is a first!

So I did it. I got to my goal for the year. As soon as I saw my results I felt so strong. I felt like it was a big “fuck you” (excuse the language) to all the people who didn’t think I could do it and who made things difficult for me. It made me feel like the ex was wrong about me – I am not weak. I got through it, and came out with the grade I wanted. 

So it seems that the mantra “I can and I will” was quite helpful, it kept me going. And now I can say “I can and I did!”

A good day

After last night’s minor melt down, today has been a much better day. Although this morning was still a bit wobbly*, and I was in a stress (couldn’t find things!)

I went into work and they have agreed to give me a few days off so I can go on holiday with S (Yay!) And we did some research, we are thinking of going to Prague! 🙂

Then I went climbing with S, and had my first attempt at lead climbing (where you climb up with the rope and clip it in as you go up rather than having a rope that comes down from the top) so that was exciting (and a little bit scary!) I definitely think climbing is good for trust in a relationship… you are putting your life (or at least your unbroken limbs!) in your partners hands!

I’ve also had further information about my arrival to Germany, so have started looking at flights… This is when it gets really real! I will be flying out there with one of my course mates, so at least I won’t be on my own!!

And my other bit of good news, which is probably quite boring to most people, is that I am (finally) back to the weight (very nearly anyway) that I was before the Mirtazapine! (6 months after stopping that medication!!)

Now it’s time for spaghetti and meatballs for dinner… yum!

*To borrow WeeGee’s word 😛

Not safe

*possible trigger warning – it gets pretty negative.*

Every so often I seem to have these little panics…

I’m not safe. Nothing is safe. No one can keep me safe.

I have got too close to S and it scares me. He could leave like the ex did. Not safe. I caught myself thinking I should get away from him (S), I need to leave before he leaves, then it’s my fault choice. But Ellie you tried that one… you ended it before and felt worse than ever. 

I think maybe it’s about control. I can’t control how I feel and how I would feel if he left. I can’t control whether he leaves or not (that’s why I feel like I should leave first, then I’d be in control). 

I don’t know what is going to happen when I move to Germany. I can’t control it, I can’t plan it all. It’s new and big and scary. New language, new place, new people… What if I can’t handle it?*

It’s happened again… this downwards spiral. It was about one thing, and now it’s about EVERYTHING.

I just want to be safe.

I feel so low and I don’t really know why. Maybe I’m just thinking too much (as usual). When I feel like this I wonder if the progress I’ve been making is even real. My thoughts scare me. I just want to be safe, or at least I want control. I want it all to stop, it’s all too much. I want to die. I’m not safe here, how do I carry on? Sometimes I really think it would be easier if I wasn’t alive.** And the urge to hurt myself, punish myself for all this is strong. But it doesn’t help. I know it doesn’t help so why do I want to do it? It doesn’t solve anything.

*I know I’m not allowed to say “what if”, but I did anyway.

**Please do not read into this too much – these are thoughts and not plans, I know these feelings/thoughts will pass. 

Despicable Me 2

I went to see Despicable Me 2 with S yesterday. It was great! Very funny and cute, and heavily featuring the minions (which seems to attract so many views to my blog!) Here’s a lovely trailer for you!! – This is a must see!!

Now I’m off to bed, I was working today until 9:15 (pm) and will be back in work tomorrow at 8 (am)… yuck!! Good night!

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

Mammoth

MammothToday I was feeling pretty low. I have been feeling a bit funny physically for the last few days – lots of migraines/headaches, feeling a bit faint/light headed, feeling really really hot… that kind of thing. And a combination of feeling bad physically and mentally is never good.

So S said he would come over after work for a bit to see me and give me some cuddles to cheer me up. And he did.

We ate some strawberries and ice cream and had some cuddles and talked and it was really nice. It sounds pathetic but it’s the small things that mean the most. I love the fact that  S can just come round and he gets on with my family and it is relaxed and I don’t have to be on edge (like I was with the ex and my family).

And as you can see from the picture at the top of this post, I am now in possession of a new elephant (or more accurately – a mammoth!) S brought me it from work to cheer me up (as he knows how much I love elephants!) It is a little fluffy cuddly toy mammoth and I think he’s really cute! Only problem now is that I can’t think of a name (but I’ve decided it is a him), so feel free to give any name suggestions! 🙂

While we were cuddling and talking I said “Maybe you do actually love me”, because I’m finally starting to think maybe it’s true. Maybe not everyone will be like the ex, and maybe I’m not unlovable – maybe it wasn’t even my fault. And he laughed and said “At least it’s a maybe now.” I know it’s stupid that I am so scared of getting hurt and that I really find it so hard to believe that anyone could love and care about ME, but these are thoughts which have been programmed into my mind for a long time – with the ex, and even before that with the teasing/bullying (?)

I am feeling more determined than ever that I am going to get through this stuff, and I am not going to let the ex win or ruin any more of my life. I can and I will get through these problems. I can and I will succeed and be happy. I know I need to deal with the anger I still feel about everything that happened, but maybe I can use it positively, and use it as motivation and incentive to keep going and stay determined. I can and I will.**

I am so happy being with S, he makes me feel safe and loved and happy. And I love him, I really do and our relationship is so much better (now that I’ve finally allowed myself to feel that way instead of being too scared to get close.) I think my depression/anxiety/general craziness* definitely does affect our relationship but he copes pretty well, and he is very understanding and helping me get through my issues.

Time for bed now, but tonight I am going to bed feeling happy and safe, instead of anxious and scared and paranoid (like last night).

Good night,
Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

P.S. Here is another picture of my (nameless) mammoth!

Mammoth toy

* I hope this doesn’t offend anyone – here I am referring to my irrational thoughts and behaviours, which could definitely be called crazy rather than the mental health side of things.

** This is one of the mantras from my list, and this one often comes to mind. When I’m feeling low or like I can’t do something, I think to myself ‘I can and I will’ and I feel more in control, more determined and more positive.

Trust

I’m really at a loss on what to do. My trust (or lack of it) is really becoming an issue. I just don’t trust S, even though he’s never done anything to make me not trust him.. he is kind and treats me well, we talk all the time, he doesn’t do anything wrong.

But I don’t trust him. I think it’s because of the ex (like most of my issues.) He treated me like crap, found someone else and left me. He lied to me, he hurt me, he made it impossible to trust. And now I don’t really trust anyone, and S gets the brunt of this.

I am constantly waiting for something to go wrong. He will get bored of me, or he will find someone else, or he’ll cheat on me or get fed up of dealing with this craziness… I am waiting for him to do something to prove me right – that I really am unlovable, that I don’t deserve anyone, that no one really cares and he doesn’t love me. 

And I know it’s insane. I know it’s paranoia and it’s completely irrational. But I just can’t stop. I don’t know how. And it’s pushing him away. The more I act like this, the more likely he is to do one of these things. If I’m constantly expecting him to mess up, maybe he will. Or maybe he’ll get annoyed. I know he finds it annoying that I am so paranoid, and it hurts him that I don’t trust him. 

And when I’m with him it’s the safest thing ever, but when we’re not together my mind just goes crazy. My overactive imagination goes into overdrive. I’m over-analysing everything he says and does. And I’m just waiting for something bad to happen. Because that’s what I deserve.

This relationship is so different to the one with the ex. It’s not all about sex. It’s not all about being controlled and lied to. It is safe and there is nothing wrong. But because of HIM, I don’t trust S. I just can’t. 

I really would appreciate any advice on this one. It’s taking a toll on me and the relationship. I’m so terrified of losing S and I want to stop pushing him away. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just can’t switch this off. 

He mentioned going away on a climbing trip with a friend (as an example), a female friend. And would it bother me? Yes, yes it would. I’d be going out of my mind thinking something was going on with them. And I know this is really controlling and paranoid behaviour but I just can’t stop thinking about him being with someone else.

I need to get through this issue and I don’t know how. S has always been very patient with me about all of this, but it’s wearing him out, I can tell. He can’t keep on putting up with this, and it’s driving me mad. I don’t have the energy to keep this up. I want to trust him, and I know that he loves me, I just don’t think I deserve these good things, so I’m expecting them to go wrong.

I feel sick and I’m completely on edge. It’s nearly 1:30am and I should be asleep. I want to speak to S but it’s the middle of the night and I can’t imagine he would be too pleased with a phone call now. I just want this all to stop. I’m in such a state. It makes me feel so low and I’m just so scared.

Sometimes I think I should just end it with S (before he leaves me) because I can’t deal with this. I feel like I don’t have any control, I’d never know if he had cheated on me or if he lies to me. As many times as he tells me he never would, and as many times I make him promise he would tell me if he ever did cheat, I still don’t trust him. I just don’t trust people.

I just want to be happy.