Realisations and pain

I feel so broken. I’ve come to lots of realisations this week about my behaviour and my relationship with S.

I took him from granted. I relied on him way too much, to the point that I can’t regulate my emotions myself. I can’t self soothe because I never had to. And that dependency was something I learned from my previous relationship, the ex really broke me down so I lost all my confidence and ability to look after myself. That’s a long time ago now but it still has its effects. He wanted me to be dependent on him because that’s how he controlled me. Unfortunately I transferred this dependency onto S and I never realised until this week how serious and negative that was.

It’s hard for me to know what to do now; I feel lost. I don’t have a very good sense of self (another thing to thank the ex for!) I find it hard to know who I am and I tend to define myself by my relationships (a daughter, a sister, previously – a girlfriend) and my job, because I don’t know how else to do it. So now one of my major identities is gone, lost.

Unfortunately I think it’s one of “those too little too late” moments or “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” type things. I would give anything to turn back time and deal with things differently, but I can’t so I am going to have to live with it and try and learn from it.

I know my faults – I am very emotional and not good at regulating emotions, I get angry and lose control of my temper, I overreact and I get carried away with my thoughts, making up explanations which are usually wildly wrong. I put myself down constantly and have no confidence, I rely on others for my happiness. I pushed S away, and yet pulled him back, over and over (my therapist described it as the “I hate you. Don’t leave me” phenomenon). And all of it makes sense given my history, but none of it is S’ fault. None of it can be changed by anyone but me.

There is so much work for me to do on myself. Work I was hoping to continue while in the relationship with S, but plans have changed and I’m on my own now to work it all out. I’m glad that I’m still having counselling as this is helpful. I need to work on myself so that I never end up in this ridiculous situation again.

Feeling quite reflective today. Now it’s time for bed.

Love, Ellie xx

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Fragments of who I am

I’m sick of being the weak one.

I always was. I still am.

I was that kid that always cried in school. The one that was over-sensitive. I learned that I was worth nothing and that was reinforced over and over. I’ll never be good enough for any of you will I?

And they wonder why I have no self-esteem, they wonder why I doubt myself so much.

I wonder whether I was depressed as a child. I can remember going to help out in reception at lunchtime sometimes, because I wanted to get away from the ones who always teased me. But it’s just teasing right?

And people always choose other people over me. I’m sick of being second best. Not even second best, the last alternative.

Feeling pretty low today. Because sitting here and moaning is really going to help me pass my German exam… 

Failure. Disappointment. Lonely. Lost. Scared. Pathetic. Hurt. Anxious. Sad. Broken. Weak. Useless. Fake. Nothing. That’s me.

(Sorry about the fragmented post. It doesn’t make sense)

Fried brain

My brain is frazzled. I’m trying to cram a lot of information in at once and it’s not going too well!

So here I am, blogging! Procrastination much? 

My exam is on Monday afternoon, so I have this afternoon and evening, the whole of tomorrow and then Monday morning to learn everything. I’ve written most of my notes, so will probably write them out again and read over them a lot to try to learn it all. And then fingers crossed for Monday! Please give me a question I can answer!!

In other news, remember when I disappeared for quite a while because I had too much coursework? I’ve got the results back, and got an A on my lab report and a B+ on my essay, very happy about that!! 

I am trying not to think too much about the exams. I have a major fear that I’m going to freeze, forget everything and write nothing. That cannot happen, so I’m trying not to think about it.

Well, this post was pretty boring – sorry about that.

I guess it’s back to revision for me!

But later I’m going climbing 😀

I bloody hate essays.

The title says it all!

Still haven’t been back here, there’s too much going on – sorry!

I have to write this essay and then I really will be back! 

Thank you all so much for your support recently – it really helps me keep going! And a special thank you to the lovely one who emailed to check how I’m doing – much appreciated! 🙂 

In other news – next week Ellie is off to Germany! I’m quite excited to see where my friend is living on her year abroad, and to try out my slightly dodgy German skills! I will write properly before I go though, once I’ve finished this horrible essay!

Lots of love,

Ellie

P.S. Really missing blogging… need more hours in the day! 

Post of stuff

I’m back in Lancaster after a weekend at home, and now I can write this post of the things that I’ve been meaning to write about! So here goes!

First one, lent. I meant to write about this earlier in the week but I didn’t because I was too busy, so it can go into my post of stuff! This year for lent I have decided to give up alcohol. I’m not really sure why I do lent – it’s probably a bit hypocritical to be honest. I’m not very religious and I don’t go to church often. I don’t quite know what I believe, although I do want to believe in God… But anyway, I normally give something up for lent because “I should”, and probably for the wrong reasons, but anyway. Not only does this mean that I don’t have to deal with 40 days of chocolate cravings (like when I gave up chocolate one year) but also it is probably beneficial for my health not to drink. The doctor always reminds me that alcohol and depression don’t mix, and alcohol and antidepressants definitely don’t mix, but I normally just say that I don’t drink often.* So I am giving it a chance, especially after my recent drunken behaviour!

Next – the exam. I had my German listening exam on Friday, and I’m not too sure how it went, but I did it and I understood most of what they said. So hopefully it’ll be ok. I really need to work on my perception of “doing ok” too – my perfectionism is ridiculous. I looked on my transcript, and I’m on a 66% average at the moment, which is a decent 2:1, but my brain does not find this acceptable, and won’t find it acceptable unless it’s above 70% (which is a 1st). This is one of the major things that I need to work on with A.

And now I can move onto talking about the weekend. Once I managed to catch the train (which I nearly missed because of my indecisiveness) I was on my way home! I tend to go home once a term for a weekend, just to get away from Lancaster for a bit. I love Lancaster, and my friends there, but sometimes you just want your own bed and a nice roast dinner cooked by mum! On Friday I had a yummy chinese take away, on Saturday I went to the pub with some of my friends from where I used to work, and today (Sunday) I met my cousin in a cake shop for a chat and then my mum made a lovely roast dinner and I ate too much! The weekend went far too quickly, but it was a nice one. And for once, I feel reasonably relaxed on a Sunday evening,

But this post of stuff wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the main thing that has happened recently in Ellie land.

On Saturday I met S** for coffee***, and it was a bit weird. I felt really detached, and it was kind of awkward. It was the first time we had seen each other properly since we split up. We have still been talking a lot – on the phone, by text etc, but seeing each other was a bit strange. In a way, things hadn’t really changed when we split up – we still talked everyday, and I still missed him a lot. After the coffee*** we went for a walk and then back to my car to talk. I got upset because things felt weird, and it felt like neither of us had anything to say. He held me as I was crying, and we ended up kissing each other. (This was probably my fault.) We talked about the problems – the distance, the way things didn’t feel right, the pain, and we couldn’t decide what to do. Eventually we left it as “we’ll just see what happens” and decided we wouldn’t see anyone else, but wouldn’t make any decisions further than that.

Then he had to go and meet another friend, so I went home. In the evening we went to the pub, and afterwards I drove people home. I dropped him off last, and we ended up talking for ages, and eventually decided that we would give us another try. Even though the distance is hard, we decided it was still hard even when we weren’t together, and we both missed each other a lot so it is probably worth another try. Obviously things aren’t perfect – I’m still a mess and I know that hurts him, but he said it hurts him whether we are together or not, and he wants to be there for me and make me happy.

As usual, I did a lot of crying, but I think this is the right decision. It might not work, but at least we will be able to say we tried. We agreed that we will be more open with each other and talk to each other about any problems which arise in the relationship, instead of pretending everything is ok like last time. We also realised that we need to put more effort into the relationship. Before, we just expected it to work and we didn’t make enough time just for us, or put the effort in to make things right. I hope that now we will be better at communicating, and will make sure we take time just for us which will help things work better.

I realised that I feel safe with S. Completely. I don’t think he would ever hurt me in any way, and I know that he will always do his best to look after me. I know I’m a complete nightmare a lot of the time, but somehow he loves me anyway. I am so lucky to have him, and I hope one day that I will be able to let myself trust him. I love him more than as a friend, but I don’t think I’m in love with him. I don’t know if it matters, but I also think it might be because I won’t let myself because of what happened with the ex. If you don’t let yourself fall for someone, they can’t hurt you – right?

So basically, a lot has been going on, and things have changed (again) in Ellie land!

In terms of how I’m feeling – I don’t really know. I feel more hopeful for the future, and even though I’m incredibly worried about the amount of work and stuff that I need to do this term, I think things are going to get better. In fact, I am determined to get better. I’ve had quite enough of this being defeated thing!

If you’ve read this whole long, rambling post – thank you! I’m sorry it’s ended up so long! Just had a mini heartattack – Accidentally deleted the whole post! But luckily found the undo button! 😉

*Which is true-ish. I only drink when I go out, and I normally go out less than once a week. But still – better than drinking everyday right?

**S being my exboyfriend (but not “The Ex”) who is still my best friend

***Ok so neither of us had (or like) coffee, but we went to a coffee shop. I had a mango and passionfruit fruit smoothie, but that’s not really relevant.

Why Ellie shouldn’t drink

**Trigger warning – self harm**

Last night I went out with my society from uni. We had a “mad hatters’ tea party” theme, and I was quite excited about it, had made an excellent hat, and we were expecting quite a few people to turn up.

Only 2 non-exec members turned up. What a disappointment! On the other hand – more cocktails for us.

I drank too much. I am not used to drinking vodka, as I usually stick to peach schnapps (which is half of the alcohol percentage!) so drinking vodka obviously got me quite drunk!

After a bit of a mix up going into town, it ended up that I was on my own, and so I didn’t want to go to the club in case I couldn’t find anyone.

It was on the walk home that I realised how drunk I was. I walked home alone, crying. I was swaying and not walking in a straight line. I don’t really know how I managed to get home safely in that state, but I did.

I opened the front door and then crawled up the stairs.

I felt awful. I wanted to die. I wanted to speak to S. He was getting back from holiday late last night so I texted and asked if he could ring when he got home.

I cried and cried and thought about taking all my tablets. I didn’t. I cut my leg instead. Not very deep at all – only scratches really, but just enough to make it bleed a little. I barely remember doing this, but the evidence is there to see.

I was lying in bed in the dark with my knife and then threw it on the floor.

I must have fallen asleep.

I woke up at about 4:30am, feeling a bit dizzy and sick. Got a glass of water and then realised that S didn’t call me. Was very upset about that.

This morning S texted me and said that I did speak to him on the phone last night. I have no recollection of this at all. Apparently I said “I love you. I miss you. I need you.” and not a lot else.

How embarrassing. And it’s not fair. We aren’t even together anymore so how can I say that stuff to him?

We spoke on the phone this morning and I did a lot of apologising and crying. I still don’t know if I want to be with him or not, and whether it would be a good idea to be in a relationship right now.

I told him about the self harm and he was really upset. I had promised him before that I wouldn’t do it again. But I did. I feel terrible and I don’t even know why I did it.

At the end of the day it doesn’t actually help me, does it? It just hurting. It’s just a punishment, just a way to change the pain.

I feel ashamed. I feel like a horrible terrible person. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just want to feel better and I don’t know how.

And this is why Ellie shouldn’t drink.

I think I’ve been transported to a parallel universe!

Everything is topsy-turvy!

Things I expect to happen just don’t. And things I don’t expect to happen, do!

This week I appear to have entered an alternative reality where several things are different:

1. After having a complete melt-down last Saturday*, I was incredibly surprised (in a good way) to see Shopaholic’s** reaction to me being very upset. I discovered that she actually does care about me, which I never really thought was the case before this. Later this week, Shopaholic also showed very nice loveliness to Footballer**, and has given up living with H** to live with Footballer next year. – In short, I have discovered a caring and thoughtful side to Shopaholic, which I have never seen before.***

2. While standing in the queue for Greggs****, I suddenly heard someone say my name. I turned round to see L**, and we then preceeded to chat, and she showed genuine interest in me/my life, which has never been the case in the past. L is one of the “popular” type girls, so usually doesn’t pay me any attention/only talks to me if I talk to her. I have never had many proper conversations with her, so I was surprised that she actually knew who I was, and some stuff about me. (Maybe I’m not invisible after all!)

3. I feel good!!! This is the biggest and best change from the normal universe. I feel like I can do stuff, and live my life. I feel like I’m going to be ok (and happy eventually) which is a feeling I have lacked for a long time. I no longer feel completely hopeless, AND I’ve been able to socialise – and enjoy it! Last night I went on a society night out, and enjoyed it. I didn’t even mind being in a crowd (in the club) and I didn’t worry throughout the night, I just enjoyed it!

So, whatever’s happening in this weird turn of events, I like it! I’d be very happy to stay here, and although I am beyond confused, I’m not going to question it!

I feel like I can take on the world! I have an incredibly busy life at the moment***** but I don’t mind. I want to do EVERYTHING! I now feel like I am done with being in the background, I want to make myself into someone, instead of being no one (which I always have been.) I feel like I can socialise, I even feel like my year abroad is a good idea!! This is all really good, I just hope and pray that this is it – I’ve got out of my depression, and I’m not going back.

I’m not naive enough to think that that is the case. I am fully expecting something to go drastically wrong soon, but I’m content to just go with it, and see what happens. If the fall comes, it’s going to be really hard, but I’m actually starting to let people in, so IF the fall comes, I WILL have people there to help me.

The only negative thing in this strange world, is that I am very easy to anger at the moment. I get wound up by the smallest thing, and I can be argumentative at the moment, which is unlike me (I’m usually non-confrontational in general!) I’m not sure what’s going on with my mood to be honest, but I’m hoping the anger will settle down. When I get angry I just see red…it doesn’t matter how small the thing is, but it builds up into this rage that I am struggling to keep control of. Having thought about it, I have realised that it is probably due to the unresolved anger I’ve had for years, especially regarding the ex. SO when I get angry, it’s not just the thing I’m angry about, but 4 or 5 years****** of anger which I never really let out. So that’s something I need to deal with through counselling, maybe…. I’m on 2 waiting lists (uni and NHS – fun fun fun) so we will see!

And as a final conclusion to this mish-mash of words, I want to say I am very sorry for my rubbishness at reading people’s blogs recently…It’s not that I don’t want to read them, I have just been so busy! I am hoping to get back on track, I’ve been trying to catch up, so if I haven’t in the next couple of days, I may have to cut my losses and just start from the current time (sorry if this means I miss important posts!!)

P.S WeeGee, do you think I used enough asterisks?*******

*Consisting of getting very drunk off not very much alcohol (that’s what happens when you mix alcohol with 2 antidepressants…) and starting arguments with anyone and everyone, including Mr Map** and Mr Smith**, plus a random guy who kept (purposefully) bumping/shoving into me in the nightclub. I then ran away and was found a few minutes later by Zorro** who very kindly took me home, crying my eyes out (and refusing to get a taxi despite the rain)

**You can find out more about them on my Who I write about page, which I have now updated!

***This is not to say I thought she was a horrible person, more that she wasn’t an (openly) caring person – which turns out not to be true.

****To buy a sausage roll and an iced finger, in case you were wondering! (yum)

***** Out of choice – societies, my degree, the gym, volunteering (when that starts)

*******Did you know, the word “asterisk” comes from Greek ( ἀστερίσκος, asteriskos) and Latin (asteriscus) meaning “little star” 🙂

******I say 4 or 5 years because even though the relationship was 3 years, there was more or less 1 year either side of the relationship where he controlled me.

Writing prompt challenge – 18

Day 18 —Take a reader behind the wheel with the worst driver you’ve ever known.

“Maybe you should get some help… like anger management or something?”

The car starts moving, before she even has time to put her seatbelt on. She quickly jams it in, as the car picks up speed, and he grows angrier. He looks at her, with a look of disgust and anger “Oh so I’m crazy now, am I?” he pushes his foot down further on the accelerator, “I need help, do I?” The wheels spin faster and faster, and she sees the world whizzing by, growing less and less clear as the speed increases.

“Look, I’m sorry, please will you -” she starts, as he slams on the brakes to avoid a collision. They lurch forward, the car coming to a stop just behind the vehicle in front. “slow down” she continues, at a whisper. “Slow down?” he asks, mockingly. He speeds up again, driving along country lanes, picking up more and more speed, overtaking cars that are in his way. “Does it scare you?” he asks, daring her.

“Please, just slow down. You’re scaring me. Please.” She cries. He starts to swerve – on purpose, to scare her. “Am I scaring you now?” he taunts her. The car wiggles along the (empty) road, with the steering wheel being jerked around erratically by the angry driver.

“YOU’RE SCARING ME. STOP THE CAR.” she shouts, the fear evident in her voice, as it trembles with the tears. Her heart is beating fast, it feels like a hammering in her chest. He continues to swerve, speed and suddenly brake as their journey continues. She can’t see the speedometer but she knows it’s fast. Too fast.

“Ok then.” he says, his voice surprisingly calm now. “I’ll go to the hospital. I’m mental. I’ll hand myself in shall I?” and the swerves become more dangerous. She is sure they will come off the road. There are near crashes, as he meets traffic on the road to the hospital. He beeps the horn. She’s crying, begging him, making all sorts of promises, just begging him to calm down, and slow down.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please. I’m sorry.”

Elephant of the week – sorry it’s late!

This week I’ve got a slightly different elephant of the week… It actually comes from an online game, and there is not just one elephant but many:

sushi cat elephants

These elephants come from a game called Sushi Cat. I like this game because somehow it usually cheers me up (There is something cheerful about fat cartoon cats!) and when I got to level 7 (pictured above) I was SO EXCITED – elephants of course!!

If anyone is bored, procrastinating or wants a game to play, I would recommend Sushi Cat, so fun and so addictive!!

Sorry this week’s elephant of the week is late, I’ve been busy, and also this is a bit of a rubbish post, but hey ho – at least it’s a post!! Also, I got distracted by Sushi Cat while writing this… Oops!

Here are the links for Sushi Cat:

Sushi Cat 1

Sushi Cat 2

Sushi Cat – The Great Purrade (The one with the elephants on level 7!!! :D)

And there are probably more… I’m going to check. Goodbye productivity, hello Sushi Cat!! 😀

 

 

Letter writing challenge – 21

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Dear Owl*,

I am very sorry to be writing this, and incredibly embarrassed. I am a pretty openminded person generally, however I have to admit that initially I did “judge a book by its cover” in your case.

I met you on my first day of university – you were (and still are) one of my housemates. When I saw you walk in with your (dyed) blonde straightened hair and branded clothing, and a mum who seemed to do everything you wanted, I did think we would be unlikely to get on, and that you would be studying something that wasn’t academic, and that you would be incredibly spoilr.

This sounds so shallow and nasty, but the letter challenge told me to write this. The truth is the world is based on first impressions and people judge – rightly or wrongly based on these. Within a few hours of knowing you I discovered that you study Computer Science… COMPUTER SCIENCE? I was very surprised, I did not expect someone like yourself to study this subject, and (again I am embarrassed to admit) I expected computer science students to be very geeky and not very sociable… I know that this is an unfair stereotype. After a year of knowing you, and having met some of your comsci friends, I know that the stereotype is not true, and will try in future not to make these stupid prejudgments!

I have found that although you are into your make up, fashion and shows such as Made in Chelsea and Geordie Shore, you are also pretty intelligent, and a very lovely person! I am so glad that in this case my first impression was wrong, and we do get along. In fact we are now living together again (having chosen who we live with this time!) and I couldn’t be happier that I’m living with you, footballer and geog!**

I have found that at times you can act spoilt, but I guess a lot of people are at times, and you are an only child so I guess it’s not that surprising. This year (so far – it’s only been a week) I feel that you’ve grown up anyway, you are being more cautious with money (well…except the shopping) but you’re not expecting people to do stuff for you or asking mummy and daddy for everything like I had initally suspected. Well, I’ll put my hands up…I was wrong. And for once, I’m glad I’m wrong.

Truth be told, I was expecting you to be more like H. She is also blonde hair, lots of make up and computer science, however she lacks the intelligence you have, and has a shallow personality too. She’s one of those barbie girls. I know you’re friends with her, although even you are becoming annoyed with her at times! For example expecting to go on that holiday for free!!*** Anyway, that’s off topic – back to the point!!

I’m sorry I judged you based on appearances and first impressions. I wonder if you did too. I wonder what people’s first impressions of me are…

Lots of love,

Ellie**** xx

The moral of the story is the typical “don’t judge a book by its cover”, but also sometimes you will find your first impressions were completely wrong, and you may just end up living with someone you thought you wouldn’t like!!

 

*Owl shall be added to my “who I write about” page soon! And her name is because she likes owls – duh! 😛

**Geog shall also be added to the list, although hopefully with a better name!!

*** L and W (2 of H’s housemates) were in a relationship and booked a holiday together, before the holiday they split up, so obviously didn’t want to go together… awkward whale!! So H wanted to go with L instead, however expected W to pay for her to go anyway, as it was just going to waste otherwise!! Cannot believe this girl!

****I have decided I shall now just use Ellie as my name on here (Thanks to Bourbon for this! :D) and I hope Wee Gee doesn’t mind me using her asterisks…they’re very useful! 😛