Before everything went wrong, I was half way through a 30 day yoga challenge. I was writing a bit about each day and was going to post it at the end of November, when I was due to finish 30 days, but obviously that didn’t happen.

For over a month, I have not done any yoga (sorry physio lady) and my yoga mat lay on the floor, unused and became covered in stuff – clothes, wrapping paper, rubbish as I let my room get messier and messier.

I have tidied my room this week, and put the yoga mat away. I had almost forgotten the colour of my carpet (a terracotta/orangey colour in case you wondered!)

Today I got my yoga mat out. I have decided I’m going to start the 30 days again tomorrow, so I just picked a short one for today – sun salutation. It was only 12 minutes and I can feel that I need a lot more practice again as my joints are tight and stiff and I am not flexible, but one step at a time. I had noticed that when I was doing yoga daily (I only did about 2 weeks), I could already notice a difference – my heels were closer to the floor on my downward dog for example.

I hope that at the end of January, I will be able to give you a post about my new 30 days.

So it turns out I did post again before the end of 2017… happy new year once again!


Ellie xx


Strength from somewhere

The Christmas period has been hard(er than usual) this year for me, but I’m starting to feel a bit stronger.

New Year’s Eve is always difficult for me because of something that happened 7 years ago. I have worked through it so it’s not as bad any more but most years I have avoided doing anything because I used to get flashbacks and panic attacks about the thing that happened. I want a new start this year so will be spending NYE with some friends, nothing big, we are going to get food, play games and make cocktails.

Although I still feel pretty low, I have found a bit of hope. From somewhere, I have found some strength to carry on. I miss S unbelievably every day but I now feel like eventually I will be ok without him. I’m trying to take control of my life and sort out stuff I’ve been avoiding for ages.

This will probably be my last post of 2017, so – Happy new year everyone, I hope 2018 is a good year for us all!


Ellie xx

Merry Christmas

This Christmas will be a hard one for me (and for many of you). I think Christmas is always hard for people with depression, other mental illnesses or chronic health conditions… everyone is cheerful and expects the same from you. But newsflash – depression (or any other illness) doesn’t care that it’s Christmas, Christmas doesn’t make it all go away.

All I can do is try to enjoy it as much as I can. I will have lots of family around me and good food, so I’ll just try to make the best of it.

This christmas I am reminded of all that I’ve lost this year… I usually have lots of plans with S in December, and it’s weird that he’s doing his own thing and I’m doing mine. It’s hard not to wonder if he’s missing me too (I guess not since he chose to leave me.) I am also reminded of the family members who are missing, especially my grandma who we lost very recently.

I will do my best to smile, to eat and joke around. I will try to focus on what I have instead of what I don’t. But I will probably feel upset and a little lonely. That’s ok, that’s how this works. I’m not going to pretend it’s been a good year because it hasn’t.

Just do what is right for you. Take care and merry Christmas.


Ellie xx

Still trying

I don’t feel positive at all but I’m trying to be. I’m remembering how low my lows can be and it’s not good.

Somehow through it all I am getting stuff done. I see my friends, go to family events, turn up to work every day. Each evening is hard as I tend to feel worse then, more time to think.

I’m doing my ‘must keep busy so there’s no time to think’ thing and I know I will burn out eventually but right now I don’t see an alternative. I have a whole week off work over Christmas so will try to take it easy. I just need to make sure the thoughts don’t take over.

Let me end this post with a lovely quote. I read it in a book recently, it was a crappy chick lit book (I must confess I like them!) and I can’t even remember the name, but I remember the quote –

“The darker the storm, the brighter the rainbow”


Ellie xx

Dark place

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts + self harm

I find myself in a very dark place. Everything that has happened these last few months has taken its toll. The work related stress, the fibro diagnosis, the break up, my grandma passing away… And even before any of that, my mood was creeping lower, after the 6 month period of being relatively stable. I feel guilty that the main thing on my mind is the break up. I desperately miss S, he is ignoring all contact with me, it hurts.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I can mostly put on a front when I’m out, when with friends or at work. At home the barriers are down, which to me indicate things are even worse… I am bursting into tears frequently. I told my parents I can’t cope. I’m a mess.

Although I’ve had thoughts of self-harm and suicide on and off for years, for the first time in years, I took a knife to my skin a couple of weeks ago and again today. It’s quite blunt so it doesn’t cut properly, more of a scratch, to make it sting. No danger, no drama.

The suicidal thoughts are scaring me now. They are getting more and more frequent and I find myself starting to make plans. If there was a way that I could do it without hurting others, I’d be gone. But there isn’t. That’s what I have to remind myself.

I’m in a dark place and I don’t know how to get out. I just need to try and stay safe for now, that’s the best I can do.


Ellie xx


This week my grandma breathed her last breath. She held on for over 2 weeks, without eating, barely drinking. Now she’s at peace.

This is a difficult time for the family, but it’s a big reminder to me that usually S would be comforting me, and now, no one fills that space.

Loss is hard, whatever form it is in. I honestly feel like I can’t take anymore right now. Being positive feels impossible, just trying to get through each day is the best I can do.

Love, Ellie xx

Migraines: Things that help

Today I thought I’d share the things that help (me) when I have a migraine. I have chronic migraine, which means I have more than 15 days of migraine per month, luckily, some of the days it doesn’t get too bad, but the consultant said these are still migraines.

These things don’t always work, and are definitely more effective if I use them when I first feel the migraine coming on. If it goes to full blown migraine, the only thing I can do is take my meds, sleep and hope!

1. Migrastick

This little thing is great! It is peppermint and lavender oil in a glass tube with a roller ball. I put it on my temples as this is where my migraines start, sometimes I put it near my jaw or the back of my neck too as I often get migraines when I am stressed and clench my jaw. I wouldn’t say it makes a migraine go away, but it reduces the pain for me. And if I’m early enough, sometimes it does turn into a full migraine. Handy tip: don’t let it go anywhere near your eyes! It hurts! You can buy the Migrastick online or in shops like Holland & Barrett.

2. My migraine pillow

This sounds strange I know, but I have a pillow which i always use when I have a migraine. I have had the cushion forever, but I call it my “migraine pillow”. It is one that you can sink into and the cover stays quite cool. My regular pillow is quite firm so it is nice to have a soft pillow to sink into when my head hurts!

3. Mindfulness

Again, never going to stop a migraine, but if it is right at the beginning it can prevent it and if not it can reduce it a little. I know that a lot of my migraines are stress induced so that’s probably why mindfulness helps. It makes me focus on my breathing instead of the pain and I relax all my muscles. I am a very tense person and find this can cause more migraines, especially tension in the jaw, neck and shoulders. I use an app called Stop, Breathe and Think. I have talked about this before in my post about mindfulness – A month of mindfulness!  and Mindfulness: update

4. Sleep

Unsurprisingly, sleep is one of the things that helps most when I have a migraine. A dark, quiet room is best. I snuggle into my duvet, use my migraine pillow, maybe listen to a (quiet) mindfulness meditation, and hope that when I get up, the nasty migraine will be gone.

5. Medication

It would be a total lie not to mention medication on this list. I previously used medication too much due to the frequency of my migraines, so now I have to be careful about when I take it. My doctor said a maximum of 10 times per month so I am sticking to that. I have become a good judge of when I need the medication (when it reaches 6/10 in pain) and when it is manageable without medication. I take sumatriptan, a medication available on prescription, and it is incredible. It usually works in less than an hour for me!

I hope this might help some others, as I am fully aware of how debilitating migraines are. I’ve had them since I was about 13 and the frequency has continued to increase as I’ve got older. I will being seeing the migraine consultant again this week so may have another update soon!

Do you have any tips or things that help you with migraines? Let me know as I’m always looking for new things to try!


Ellie xx