Funny searches

Looking at my stats today, I saw a search term that made me giggle.

Today, 3 views on my blog have come from the search: sex overdose elephant!

What on earth is going on in the world?!

Also, the search that has given me the most views since I started my blog is minion with 264 views!! (As in the cute yellow things from Despicable me!)

Talking of minions, Despicable Me 2 is coming out this summer! I’m excited 😀 (Still a child at heart!)

Anyone else got funny searches?*

*I’m meant to be revising but I’m procrastinating so funny searches seems to be the way forward today!

End of term!

By some miracle it’s here… the end of term!

I didn’t finish all my coursework – had to get an extension on 1 essay, but managed the rest.

This week I had to hand in a lab report, a project and a language portfolio, do a german presentation and a statistics exam… so I’m pretty glad that I managed to do all of that, even if I couldn’t manage the essay as well.

And now it’s the easter holidays. Back to London tomorrow, for a month of “holiday”.

Unfortunately I can’t really take much time off, there’s this essay to write, another lab report and revision to start… but term 2 of year 2 is done, and for now at least I am going to take a bit of time for myself!

So tomorrow I will start playing catch up with reading blogs. I may not manage to read every single post, seeing as I’ve missed LOADS, but I’ll try 🙂

I have quite a lot of write about, like my CBT session this week, anger, relationship stuff and general stuff that’s been going on, but I’m too tired right now.

Tonight, instead of going out with my housemates, I decided to stay in my (nice warm) house and watch Don’t tell the bride on BBC iplayer, relax and get an early night.

I am proud to say I didn’t give in to peer pressure and subject myself to another bad night out. But after the last time when I ended up running out of the club in panic, I decided it would be more sensible to have a night in (even if that makes me boring).

So looking forward to reading everyone’s blogs, I’ve really missed WP while I’ve been away!!

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

6th time lucky?

I went to see my GP today. We talked about what has been going on – the screaming, feeling detached, no concentration etc.

We decided to try another medication. I’m a little unsure on this – on one hand, I’ve tried 5, why would a 6th medication make a difference? But on the other hand, it’s probably worth a try! Also, my GP said this one has been recommended for me by the psychiatrist, so if I don’t try it now, that is what he is likely to suggest when I finally have my appointment with him (at the end of February) so I may as well try it now!

The new one is called Lofepramine, which is an older type of antidepressant apparently. It will take 3 – 4 weeks to get into my system… so we will see! Has anyone tried this one?

Also I went to see the disability service at my uni today, about travel to uni from CBT (by getting the bus I am late) and possibly extra time in exams. The lady was really nice. She gave me a form to fill in to apply for disabled students allowance, and says I need to get a letter from my doctor, and then they can sort out extra time in exams, and I can do my summer exams in a smaller room (which hopefully equals less anxiety!)

This is good news! Although I will have to do a 2 hour assessment so they can see what I need and how they can help! The other annoying thing is that I have to pay for a letter from the doctor… Why do we have to pay for something which proves our own medical history?! Apparently they are around £30… so not even cheap!

So today I am feeling a little bit hopeful for the future – new medication to start tomorrow, and probably extra time in exams which might help me!

But on the other hand I’m feeling really low. The hopefulness is very small, compared to the feeling of emptiness and being really fed up. What I really want to do is hide in my room for a few days, with no responsibilities, and just rest. But no, can’t do that – life gets in the way! I am hoping to have a restful weekend though!

This morning I had a lecture at 9am, I spent a good hour arguing with myself, telling myself to get out of bed. I did it eventually, and made it to the lecture only a couple of minutes late.

This is a daily routine. Sometimes I win, sometimes the depression wins. But I am trying. My attendance isn’t perfect, but it’s not bad considering everything.

Tomorrow is another 9am, this time it’s a German seminar… can’t even sleep my way through one of those!

After that I have agreed to go to the gym with my housemate. It will be horrible, but I know it’s good for me, and afterwards hopefully I’ll feel a little better!

Now I’m off to do some german grammar exercises, then bed, and hopefully a decent night’s sleep!

Hope all my bloggy friends are doing ok! 🙂

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

Anxiety, depression and perfectionism – intertwined

Yesterday I went to see Matilda (the musical) up in London. It was great and I went with one of my best friends (Monkey) and her family, which was lovely.

But parts of it brought on anxiety. If you are not familiar with the story, it features a horrible, abusive headmistress of the school (Miss Trunchbull) and the parents of the main character (Matilda) are also horrible, selfish people.

I don’t think it was so much the storyline which brought on the anxiety, although it did bring to the surface some memories of things with the ex…

But there were several instances where there was loud sounds, flashing lights and I felt disorientated, and anxious at these times. I have noticed that sometimes when there is loud noises/lots of people/flashing lights that it brings on anxiety, although I’m not sure why.

Maybe it is because I feel disorientated and there is too much going on.. Who knows!

Another example of this was today at work. I was in one of the aisles, and it suddenly got really busy and I felt really trapped and as if everything had got louder than it really was. I have had this feeling several times at work, and always under the same circumstances (busy aisle – too many people and too much noise.)

Luckily I have been able to control it by focusing on my breathing, and in some cases I have been able to leave the aisle in question.

It is really bizarre… I did think that my main issue was depression, but it seems that anxiety is more of an issue than I thought.

I think it is very common for the two (depression and anxiety) to exist alongside each other, and they probably fuel each other as well.

Having been in this anxious state (which has definitely not been helped by my rising stress levels over different things!*) I have now bitten all my nails off, which is sad because I thought I had cracked my nail-biting habbit. Every so often, I get stressed and I end up biting them.. Grr!

So all in all, things are not great at the moment.

I had a day or so where I felt quite optimistic, and have done quite a lot of my work (but not all of it, and it’s probably rubbish anyway..) but that seems to have disappeared now, and I am back in the gloomy worry of whether I can finish this year or not. This morning I had a bit of a melt down… Spent about an hour hiding in my room in the dark, and crying, because I feel like I’m never going to get my work done (and even if I do, it won’t be good enough.)

Having read what I have written here, my perfectionism is glaringly obvious, and it seems incredibily irrational, but at the time it feels like the truth, and feels like there is no way out of this gloom. Even now, rationally, I know that this is irrational, but that doesn’t stop my brain telling me all these things… like how I am useless, a failure, and I can’t do what other people on my course can do, therefore I am not clever enough, and must be useless.

Damn perfectionism….

*Coursework for uni, worrying about going back to uni, stressing about the amount of weight I have put on, the fact my clothes are mostly too small now… etc.

Last Night *TW*/Jumble

*Trigger Warning*

Last night I felt bad, really bad.

As I said in my post yesterday (Failure) I had to cancel my friends coming round. I spent the evening at home by myself, and even Love Actually (one of my favourite films) failed to cheer me up.

I was at home and lonely. My boyfriend didn’t want to come round because I’m a useless bitch  because he said in the mood I was in everything he did would be wrong. I know he was right. It was probably good to have some time by myself but I don’t trust myself by myself anymore.

So I went to bed feeling really awful. And for the first time in a long time I couldn’t resist the urge to cut.

It’s not dangerous, just scratching really. Just enough to sting, barely enough to break the skin but just enough to hurt.

People don’t understand why. Why do it if I’m not even doing it to die? Why do it if I’m barely even bleeding?

I don’t even know. It’s a punishment. It’s when I can feel real, physical pain instead of all this emotional pain that haunts me everyday.

I’m pathetic. Can’t even do it right.

I am scared of blood.

I’m sick of feeling so empty.

So much pain I can’t explain.

I’ve had enough. How much more do I have to take?

~~ My mind is a jumble ~~

Today I’ve sat at home by myself.

I didn’t get up until the afternoon. Just drifted in and out of sleep. Lying there awake sometimes just motionless, then going back to blissful sleep for a little longer.

Got up, still in my pajamas now at nearly 5pm, won’t be getting dressed today.

Tried to do some work for uni. Managed to do some, which is better than anything I’ve managed so far this holiday. Written nearly 1000 words, but it’s rubbish. Is there any point in trying?

I had a little burst of motivation. A few minutes where I thought “You know what, I can do this. Screw the ex, screw depression, I’m going to finish the year.” But then I slipped back into indifference, and have decided I need a break from work (already.)

So I’ve watched mindless stuff on TV (“come dine with me” anyone?) and just sat eating more crap. No wonder I’m getting fat…

I thought about going for a walk earlier, but no sooner had the thought entered my mind, did it start raining. Now it’s pitch dark outside, not sure I want to go for a walk anymore.

Nothing

I can’t seem to do anything.

I am irritable and sad.

I’m doing nothing. Trying to catch up reading blogs and I can’t even concentrate mostly. Can’t even summon the energy to write comments. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care, I do.

I want to be there for everyone, I want to get back to “normal.”

But “normal” is so far away from my reality now. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t do my uni work. I don’t know if it’s worth even trying.

There’s no point in doing any of it if I can’t do all of it. If I don’t do all of it, I can’t finish the year. Simple as that.

My room is a mess. I can’t get the motivation to tidy it.

I tidied downstairs earlier, my boyfriend helped and I was “ok” then. But he’s gone now and I don’t want to do anything.

My friends are coming round later. I don’t feel up to it. The parents are away so I normally have friends round – we drink, chat and sometimes play singstar or just dance, but I have no energy today.

Don’t want to let them down by cancelling it though.

I might not get to see all of them again before I go back uni. If I go back.

I need to get my work done. Why has it become so bloody difficult to concentrate?

This isn’t even what I want to do anymore. None of it is.

I want to close my curtains, turn off the lights and hide in bed. Again.

Give me a break. I just want to do nothing.

 

A week at home

I’ve been home from uni for a week now,
Everyone said I would feel better when I went home. I don’t. I’m not surprised, but no one knows how to deal with me.
I’m a mess.
I’m working over the holidays to get some money, and I used to like working there (even though its only a supermarket.) the people are nice, and the work isn’t too bad, and the money is always nice.
The first day I worked I felt quite good; better than I’ve felt for quite a while. But as the week has gone on I’ve felt worse and worse.
After work on Thursday I went to a Christmas party, where I was the only sober one, and I ended up doing a lot of the clearing up,despite arriving very late (because of work.)
I drove home. My dinner had been kept in the oven, and it has dried up. I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t about the dinner.
I went to bed still crying, I hoped I’d feel better in the morning. I didn’t. I don’t.
I haven’t managed to do any of my uni work, and I’m struggling to be “happy”, even in appearance.
So tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’m working, it’s going to be busy and probably stressful, but I’ve had the weekend off, and will have 2 days off (Christmas day and Boxing Day) after tomorrow.
I have tried to break up with my boyfriend several times. Eventually he’s going to give up on me.
I don’t want to break up, it’s just me pushing people away. Everytime we get close, I get scared so I try to get away. It’s stupid,and I’m hurting him and myself by acting this way.
It’s irrational. But then again, I already know a lot of my behaviour is irrational.

I have an irrational fear of letting people down, of failing or even making mistakes. I’m irrationally sad most of the time, and I have no direct reason for it.
I feel like I’m losing control more and more. I don’t know how long this will go on for.
I’m a mess.
Just got to get through Christmas, and then I can get on with everything else.

~~~
But I should be happy at Christmas.
I have no bad Christmas memories, no reason to hate Christmas.
But it’s so much pressure. You must be happy, you must get everyone appropriate presents, you must “cheer up- it’s Christmas!”
In an ordinary state of mind, I would be looking forward to this Christmas.
It’s a time where I get to see my extended family, where we will all be together, including my cousin who is one of my best friends. There will be lovely food, and presents and everyone will be in a good mood. We may even manage to get through Christmas without arguments, yet I can’t make myself excited.
I am hoping that after work tomorrow, my Christmas spirit will appear!
~~~
I know this time of year is very difficult for a lot of people who might be reading this, and despite my pessimism, I would like to wish each and every one of my lovely readers a lovely Christmas.
Who knows, it might surprise us!
Xx

Oh dear

Ellie is not okay.

She is even less okay than she previously thought.

(I’m not sure why I’m talking in the 3rd person here, going to switch back to 1st person!)

Today I was meant to have an exam.

I revised to the exam, I felt ok, although not completely prepared.

I went to the exam, still feeling ok.

I sat down in the exam, pressed start (it was on a computer) and promptly forgot everything I have ever known about statistics, and SPSS (the statistics program we use for all our analyses.)

This was not good. Panic entered the room.

I had a minor breakdown. I left the room.

My tutor was nice and said I can do it next term, but I feel awful.

It’s just another thing that I haven’t been able to do this term.

I sat in front of my head of year and cried for over half an hour. He said it’s okay if I do it next term.

He said it’s okay if I do my other exams next term too. But I wanted to do them this term.

I just want to be normal.

I want to be able to do my exams and coursework at the same time as everyone else, I don’t want to need extra time and all this special consideration.

I just want to feel normal.

Everyone keeps saying it’s just one more week. It’s less than that now. But I’m not sure I can do one more week of term.

There’s an exam tomorrow morning, and I want to do it.

I think I’ll try and give it a go.

But is there any point if I’m just going to fail anyway?

And then they started talking about intercalating (taking a year out) again.

I don’t want to do it. Then I’ll feel like a failure.

But what if it is the best thing to do? How am I meant to know?

Will I feel better if I pack it in for a year? Or will I feel even worse?

Sorry for all the questions, they are of course rhetorical, but if anyone has any wise words of wisdom , I’d love to hear them 😛

All in all, I am not feeling good at all. In fact, I’m feeling rather fed up.

And now I have the choice of doing an exam which I probably won’t be able to do my best in, or adding another thing to the list of things I couldn’t do this term…

I hate feeling like this. In my head, it’s just building evidence of me being a useless failure.

Maybe I’m right…

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Everyone seems to be winding down for Christmas…

There was a Christmas Market at the university on Friday, I’m going to numerous Christmas meals, and in less than a week I will be home*, but…

I have so much to do before then.

I have 3 exams, and a German portfolio to do this week.

Not to mention the essays I got extensions on (but I might have to leave them until the holidays now)

and everyone else seems to be getting into the Christmas spirit, but I have no time.

And then there’s Christmas presents… I was looking forward to buying presents, but somehow I’m running out of time for my Christmas shopping… This means stress stress stress!

I’ve got to find a Christmas present for Mr Maps by Friday (for Secret Santa), and I can’t think of a single thing I could get him… Plus, the one novelty gift shop that would’ve been my first shop to look in in Lancaster is now gone…

Sorry for the rambling rant. I guess I’ll just have to go full steam ahead for one last week, and then I can breathe a sigh of relief for a month, before it all starts again… (*groans*)

Oh, and how could I forgot? Then there is the ordeal of ACTUAL CHRISTMAS, which is most likely going to be very tiring for me (pretending to be happy) or, if I don’t pretend to be happy, I will be told “cheer up, it’s Christmas” numerous times, before eventually I get angry and leave. I don’t think that second one is an acceptable option, so pretending to be happy it is then!

How is everyone else’s Christmas shopping going? Any recommendations of amazing websites by any chance? 😀

*Well in exactly a week I will be working 8am – 6pm, but hopefully the money will be worth it!

Another little update

I am home from uni this weekend. This means a weekend away from uni, and getting to see the boyfriend. Also, we are going to a wedding tomorrow!

Today was results of the JCR elections, and I didn’t win. I’m disappointed (my mind says I’ve failed) but at the same time I’m relieved. I realised I’ve taken on a lot and being on the JCR would probably have been a step too far! I’m trying to argue the logical point (now I have more time for my other commitments, and it was probably taking on too much) rather than the point my brain keeps coming back to (I didn’t get it, so I failed.)

Yesterday I went back to the doctors, crying again. She doesn’t know how to help, I don’t know what to do. I’m fed up. She wants me to give this medication (mirtazapine) another 2 weeks, so I’ll humour her. I’m not convinced to be honest, it has already been given 5 weeks, with no difference other than putting on some weight, which has not pleased me.

Overall I am a very fed up elephant, but I’m hoping this weekend at home will give me a little break.

I’m not really in the right mood or frame of mind for writing anything of any interest for this blog at the moment, and I haven’t been for quite a while. I still have a post that I really want to get done but can’t seem to find the right words. Just thought I’d give you another little update on Ellieland.

(And also, I have discovered the WordPress app for my iPad! This now means I can blog on here which is good because I left my laptop at my uni house this weekend!)