Distraction

I opened up a new paint document and started making a picture. I’m not very good at arty things but on paint you can use premade shapes and it’s just a matter of clicking.

Turns out it really calmed me down. Just thinking about how the stars fit together, deciding which colours should go where.

It’s pretty simple but helpful. I’d recommend it. I might buy one of those colouring books, I think that would be useful for me when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Just to calm me down and take me away from my thoughts.coloured starsNow I’m actually going to bed,

Lots of love

Ellie xxx

p.s. Just noticed the mistake in my stars picture. Nothing’s perfect!!

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It’s like I’ve fallen into a deep abyss of darkness. Can’t see a way out.

I’ve only been feeling down a couple of days and it already feels terrible. I can’t do this again. I won’t.

I feel so lonely. No one has time for me at the moment. My parents are busy tonight. S is with 3 of my good friends. Everyone is busy except me. All my friends in Germany are busy too so I spent the day alone. I know it’s not good for me.

I wanted to get some work done but I didn’t. I feel like crap.

I watched a film. It was a German one. And I’ve been watching “my mad fat diary”. Not sure if I like it to be honest, just needed to pass the time.

I want to wake up tomorrow and feel better again but I can’t see it happening.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if it gets to Monday and I’m still feeling like this. I have responsibilities here, I have to go to work (school), then I have some tutoring sessions and then uni… it’s all busy busy busy. Maybe that’s a good thing though.

I just feel sad and I can’t explain it. It just hurts and it all feels so pointless. Everything.

I’m completely demotivated to do anything now. I can’t do it.

Where’s all my positivity gone? I was going to get somewhere, do something with my life… and now all of that is gone from my mind.

I’ve sat in bed for most of the day. I’ve cried. I’ve eaten some cadburys, that didn’t even cheer me up.

I just hate myself. That’s the thing really, and that’s the thing I can’t seem to get past.

Useless. Pointless. Waste of time. Burden. Not good enough. Never good enough.

Maybe I can sleep this negativity off….

Night night

Ostriches

Maybe I haven’t magically got better. Maybe I just stuck my head in the sand like an ostrich (do they actually do that?)

I’ve been busy busy busy, and have hardly had time to feel low or homesick, or any of the other things I was worried about.

But I tried to have an essay day today. I failed miserably. And I’m feeling miserable. 8000 words in German to write. Today I wrote a grand total of less than 100 words. Well done me. I’ve been doing some research as well today but it’s really hard to find stuff that’s relevant. Especially as it’s in German.

I’m starting to worry worrying about next year at uni. We are supposed to be C1 (on the European framework of languages) by the time we get back. I found this out yesterday. And I’m currently doing a B2 course, it finishes in 2 weeks and I only have another 2 months here. There is NO WAY IN HELL I’m getting to C1 level by October. NOT going to happen.

And that means I’ve really messed up. Because if I’m not good enough at German, I’m not going to get good German grades. And German is half of my degree, so no matter how well I do in psychology, if my German grades are crap, my degree classification will be too. I am waving goodbye to my hopes at a first… Damn.

So after my failure of a day, and panic at my lack of German, I was looking forward to visiting a German friend this weekend… it would mean a weekend of speaking German (which is always useful!) and I was looking forward to seeing her. But now I’m not going, she has the flu. It’s not her fault, but it’s brought me down. And to add another snippet of annoyance; I’ve had to cancel my train tickets, which is a cost of 15 euros each way, so I’ve spent 30 euros on not going… lucky me.

In one sense it’s probably a good thing. I now have a weekend to catch up on sleep, and hopefully do some work on these bloody essays.

I really didn’t want to leave them all until the end. I had a plan. I was meant to have done 1 by Christmas and another 2 by Easter… fat chance. It’s nearing Easter now, and I’ve written 0 essays. I’ve written a little bit of one of them, and an even littler bit of the second one. I still have until July, it’s not like the deadline is soon. But I wanted them finished while I’m in Germany really, that’s when my German will be at its “best”.

Complaining, rambling rant over.

I just feel sad. And suddenly I don’t feel like I’m doing so well.

Have a good and restful weekend everyone,

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

 

Anger

I am very angry.

This  is not a new epiphany, but one I am reminded of every so often. It bubbles under the surface, and normally doesn’t rise. But then it does. And it always appears to be an over reaction.

But what people don’t understand is that I’m not absolutely fuming with rage because I missed my train, it’s because of everything I’ve ever been angry about. Ok, maybe not everything, but a lot.

I don’t deal with anger well. I don’t deal with anger “normally” either. I tend to lash out at those closest to me, that’s not abnormal though. I think most people do, when they’re angry about a lot of things. The anger gets displaced and taken out on the wrong person (usually S if I’m honest.) And I know it’s not right and it’s not fair but I don’t know how to change.

And when I get angry, I get SO angry. I will end up saying horrible things and bringing up past arguments that aren’t relevant. But that’s because I hold onto everything, I can’t let it go. And so in my head, it’s all connected. If he did x, y and z wrong a year ago, and he then does something else (a) now, I feel like he doesn’t care. Because if he did, he wouldn’t have done x, y, z and a. But it’s stupid. Because people make mistakes, and quite often these things that I get annoyed about aren’t rational things to be bothered by.

I’m constantly ready to tip over the edge. And then I do, and we argue. And I cry. And I apologise, and it’s ok for a while. But I hate arguing, it terrifies me. Because every time me and the ex used to argue, he would always threaten to break up with me, threaten to tell someone something… and so I spent (and still spend) much of my life apologising, sometimes for things that aren’t even my fault. Every time we argue (S and I), it freaks me out, and I think that we aren’t going to be ok anymore. He says that couples argue, it’s normal. But I can’t get the past out of my head and so it still scares me. We don’t normally argue, not properly. But being away is hard and we’ve argued more this year because of that, and being away I don’t even have him to comfort me when I am sad. Sometimes it’s hard.

And the weird thing is, when I’m angry, like really really angry… I cry. And people think I’m upset, but I’m not, I’m angry. It just all builds up, and there’s so much anger and emotion, and I can’t deal with it so it ends up with me crying like a little girl. Not the effect you want when you’re trying to argue with someone.

I need to deal with my anger, that’s the crux of this. It all comes back to things with the ex. I was never allowed to be angry, it was always MY fault. And the anger was displaced, onto myself. And it was stored up inside me, so at any time I had a whole host of things to criticise myself about. I have never dealt with the anger I feel about everything that happened, I didn’t know how and now I supress it all and try and forget everything. But I can’t (of course I can’t.) So I think when I get back to England, more counselling is needed. Until I deal with this anger, I’m never going to be able to react to anger in a normal way. And it’s an important thing, dealing with anger.

Breaking the cycle

I feel like I’m slipping. The lovely safety of feeling stress-free is disappearing and I am clinging onto my new, happier life as best as I can.

But I’m terrified of going back there. And the more scared I am, the more anxious I feel. And the more anxious I feel, the more I want to isolate myself and do nothing, and this all brings my mood down, and then BAM depressed again.

But this time I know how it works. This is the cycle of my mood, and that is how it COULD end up if I follow the cycle. But what if I don’t. What if I stop at stress. Ok, so I’m feeling a bit stressed. So I can have a day to myself – to watch films, unwind, maybe Skype people from home. But I will not isolate myself, I will not let myself hide (for long anyway.) I will make a to do list and try and break it into small things. Small things are easily done, it’s the big tasks that seem daunting. But every big task can be broken into little tasks, and suddenly it doesn’t seem so bad or scary.

But there’s some things I can’t do anything about. For example, I know my mood heavily relies on my relationship with S. But he’s not coming to visit this term, and I’m not going home again until Easter. So when I next see him, I won’t have seen him for 12 weeks. 3 months is a long time, to me anyway. And it’s hard. But I can’t do anything about it. And now he’s going back to work I will speak to him less, and I’ve got a busy month of travelling weekends coming up so there won’t be as much time to Skype… And somehow I find myself breaking into tears as I’m writing this. And there we go, I’ve found out why I’m feeling down. But what do you do when there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it? Who knows. I’ll get back to you on that one if I figure it out.

I don’t think it’s healthy that my mood relies on him so much. But I also don’t know how to change it. They say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else but I don’t think that’s true. Despite all the improvements in my mood, and changing my ways of thinking I still can’t see myself positively – I guess that’s something still to be worked on.

How can I feel numb and hurt at the same time? That empty feeling that has been gone for a while has come back. And I want it to go away again. I was doing so well. I just want to prove I can do it.

I know everyone has down days. But it’s when the down days start getting more frequent that you have to watch out. And all I can do is a deal with it as best as I can.