New Years Resolutions

It’s the last day of 2012, so I’m going to have a go at today’s Daily Post prompt:

Tell us about the three things you’d most like to change about your life, and make a bold, I-don’t-care-who-knows-it-because-there’s-a-meteor-a-comin’ assertion to the world that you are going to get these changes made. And that you’ll have at least started making them happen by March. When, erm, you’re probably going to wind up as dust.

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Probably unsurprisingly, there is something MAJOR I want to change in my life for 2013…

I want to beat depression (and anxiety!)*

That in itself is a huge feat and I know it is not something that will be achieved easily or without work, but I am determined that 2013 is going to be a new start, and I am going to get better.

More specifically, here are my new year’s resolutions for 2013:

  1. Try to do the Daily Post challenge as much as possible**
  2. Explore every possible avenue in escaping depression and anxiety until I can be the not-so-anxious Elephant.
  3. Lose the weight I’ve put on since I’ve been on Mirtazapine
  4. Get fit! (Back to the gym then Ellie!***)
  5. Look after myself

There are many many more things that I want to do in 2013, but right now, at the end of 2012, I have learnt that the most important thing for me to do next year is look after myself, which is resolution number 5, but resolutions 2, 3 and 4 also would fit into that category!

So now I’d like to raise a metaphorical glass, and say – Here is to hope for the future, and a better year next year!

*How’s that for a “bold, I-don’t-care-who-knows-it-because-there’s-a-meteor-a-comin’ assertion”?

**Everyday is probably too much of a commitment right now

***Well, I’ve already paid for a gym membership!

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2012 in review & Happy new year

Happy new year everyone! I hope 2013 brings everyone the happiness, health and hope they deserve, and especially that life improves for all of my bloggy friends who are in pain.

Much love,

Ellie xxxx

 

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 4,600 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 8 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Last Night *TW*/Jumble

*Trigger Warning*

Last night I felt bad, really bad.

As I said in my post yesterday (Failure) I had to cancel my friends coming round. I spent the evening at home by myself, and even Love Actually (one of my favourite films) failed to cheer me up.

I was at home and lonely. My boyfriend didn’t want to come round because I’m a useless bitch  because he said in the mood I was in everything he did would be wrong. I know he was right. It was probably good to have some time by myself but I don’t trust myself by myself anymore.

So I went to bed feeling really awful. And for the first time in a long time I couldn’t resist the urge to cut.

It’s not dangerous, just scratching really. Just enough to sting, barely enough to break the skin but just enough to hurt.

People don’t understand why. Why do it if I’m not even doing it to die? Why do it if I’m barely even bleeding?

I don’t even know. It’s a punishment. It’s when I can feel real, physical pain instead of all this emotional pain that haunts me everyday.

I’m pathetic. Can’t even do it right.

I am scared of blood.

I’m sick of feeling so empty.

So much pain I can’t explain.

I’ve had enough. How much more do I have to take?

~~ My mind is a jumble ~~

Today I’ve sat at home by myself.

I didn’t get up until the afternoon. Just drifted in and out of sleep. Lying there awake sometimes just motionless, then going back to blissful sleep for a little longer.

Got up, still in my pajamas now at nearly 5pm, won’t be getting dressed today.

Tried to do some work for uni. Managed to do some, which is better than anything I’ve managed so far this holiday. Written nearly 1000 words, but it’s rubbish. Is there any point in trying?

I had a little burst of motivation. A few minutes where I thought “You know what, I can do this. Screw the ex, screw depression, I’m going to finish the year.” But then I slipped back into indifference, and have decided I need a break from work (already.)

So I’ve watched mindless stuff on TV (“come dine with me” anyone?) and just sat eating more crap. No wonder I’m getting fat…

I thought about going for a walk earlier, but no sooner had the thought entered my mind, did it start raining. Now it’s pitch dark outside, not sure I want to go for a walk anymore.

Failure

I’m a failure.

Right now, I should be surrounded by most of my best friends, having a few drinks and a nice time.

But I’m not.

I cancelled.

I texted them all and said I’m not well so I’ve got to cancel.

Even though I might not get a chance to see all of them until easter now.

How selfish is that?

How useless am I?

I couldn’t even cope for one night.

One night that should’ve been fun.

So now I’m sitting at home by myself, watching “love actually”, eating loads of crap feeling absolutely rubbish. (Feeling sorry for myself.)

Oh, and the other thing.

I’m getting fat. I’ve put on so much bloody weight since I’ve been on the Mirtazapine.

Half of my clothes don’t even fit me anymore and it’s making me feel even worse about myself.

And I’m not doing anything about it. Sitting here, typing this, eating crisps. Fatty.

 

Nothing

I can’t seem to do anything.

I am irritable and sad.

I’m doing nothing. Trying to catch up reading blogs and I can’t even concentrate mostly. Can’t even summon the energy to write comments. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care, I do.

I want to be there for everyone, I want to get back to “normal.”

But “normal” is so far away from my reality now. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t do my uni work. I don’t know if it’s worth even trying.

There’s no point in doing any of it if I can’t do all of it. If I don’t do all of it, I can’t finish the year. Simple as that.

My room is a mess. I can’t get the motivation to tidy it.

I tidied downstairs earlier, my boyfriend helped and I was “ok” then. But he’s gone now and I don’t want to do anything.

My friends are coming round later. I don’t feel up to it. The parents are away so I normally have friends round – we drink, chat and sometimes play singstar or just dance, but I have no energy today.

Don’t want to let them down by cancelling it though.

I might not get to see all of them again before I go back uni. If I go back.

I need to get my work done. Why has it become so bloody difficult to concentrate?

This isn’t even what I want to do anymore. None of it is.

I want to close my curtains, turn off the lights and hide in bed. Again.

Give me a break. I just want to do nothing.

 

Merry Christmas

I’ve already posted a Christmas message here, but today is the day – 25th December 2012. I would like to take a moment to wish everyone the best of Christmases, and although many of you have bad memories of Christmas, I ask that this year you enjoy it as much as you can.

Although things are hard in many our lives, I find myself feeling reflective today. Even though I have been feeling very low, I am grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life. I am lucky to have a loving family, and wonderful friends (including my lovely bloggy friends) so today, not only do I wish you a merry Christmas, but I thank all of you for the kindness and love that you show me. Although I’ve never met any of you in “real life”, you are always there to send a supportive comment, and offer me hope. Today, I will spare a thought for the people who are there for me, and let them know how much they mean to me, and how much I care too.

This morning I have been given lots of lovely presents, which I do appreciate, but things can only get us so far, and it is people, not objects who bring happiness. So this Christmas, remind yourself of the people you have around you, be that family, friends or blogging friends.

You may have noticed that this post is much more hopeful than my other recent posts, and I’m hoping that my Christmas wish – for things to get better for all of us, will come true this Christmas and new year.

So merry Christmas, I hope your Christmas wishes come true, and I want you all to know how much I care, and how grateful I am for your kindness…
And as one of my lovely bloggy friends always says – there is hope!

A week at home

I’ve been home from uni for a week now,
Everyone said I would feel better when I went home. I don’t. I’m not surprised, but no one knows how to deal with me.
I’m a mess.
I’m working over the holidays to get some money, and I used to like working there (even though its only a supermarket.) the people are nice, and the work isn’t too bad, and the money is always nice.
The first day I worked I felt quite good; better than I’ve felt for quite a while. But as the week has gone on I’ve felt worse and worse.
After work on Thursday I went to a Christmas party, where I was the only sober one, and I ended up doing a lot of the clearing up,despite arriving very late (because of work.)
I drove home. My dinner had been kept in the oven, and it has dried up. I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t about the dinner.
I went to bed still crying, I hoped I’d feel better in the morning. I didn’t. I don’t.
I haven’t managed to do any of my uni work, and I’m struggling to be “happy”, even in appearance.
So tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’m working, it’s going to be busy and probably stressful, but I’ve had the weekend off, and will have 2 days off (Christmas day and Boxing Day) after tomorrow.
I have tried to break up with my boyfriend several times. Eventually he’s going to give up on me.
I don’t want to break up, it’s just me pushing people away. Everytime we get close, I get scared so I try to get away. It’s stupid,and I’m hurting him and myself by acting this way.
It’s irrational. But then again, I already know a lot of my behaviour is irrational.

I have an irrational fear of letting people down, of failing or even making mistakes. I’m irrationally sad most of the time, and I have no direct reason for it.
I feel like I’m losing control more and more. I don’t know how long this will go on for.
I’m a mess.
Just got to get through Christmas, and then I can get on with everything else.

~~~
But I should be happy at Christmas.
I have no bad Christmas memories, no reason to hate Christmas.
But it’s so much pressure. You must be happy, you must get everyone appropriate presents, you must “cheer up- it’s Christmas!”
In an ordinary state of mind, I would be looking forward to this Christmas.
It’s a time where I get to see my extended family, where we will all be together, including my cousin who is one of my best friends. There will be lovely food, and presents and everyone will be in a good mood. We may even manage to get through Christmas without arguments, yet I can’t make myself excited.
I am hoping that after work tomorrow, my Christmas spirit will appear!
~~~
I know this time of year is very difficult for a lot of people who might be reading this, and despite my pessimism, I would like to wish each and every one of my lovely readers a lovely Christmas.
Who knows, it might surprise us!
Xx

Long walks and therapy

So this morning I had my CBT assessment at the hospital. The morning did not start off very well as I overslept. My appointment was at 10, and I had woken up at 9:15, which considering it was a 40 minute walk, was not ideal!

But, after waiting for so long to get to see a CBT counsellor, I leapt out of bed, threw on some clothes, brushed my teeth and was out of the door.

Thankfully I didn’t get lost on my way, and although it’s freezing, it was a beautiful sunny day so the walk was actually quite nice (even if it was quite long, and up steep hills!)

When I arrived I had to fill in that horrible form. This one was a slightly longer version than I normally do, as it had phobias and how depression affects your work/life as well as the normal depression and anxiety parts.

So I filled the horrible thing in, and it didn’t look good. But I gave it to the CBT counsellor, who I shall now call A (until I think of a better name) and we went into one of the therapy rooms and sat down.

I was really nervous, and very worried because I am beginning to think I’m a lost cause. I was terrified that one of two things would happen. 1) After the assessment she would say that CBT wasn’t suitable for me, and then I would be out of ideas. or 2) I will have the CBT, but it won’t help, so then I’ll be out of ideas.

But A was lovely. Even though I was feeling very anxious, she made me feel a bit more calm, and she explained everything about CBT, and that I’m allowed 16 sessions, and that we could organise a weekly time to see her.

And then when she finished talking, she asked me what I was doing there, in my own words. So I talked a bit, about how I feel really low and I have too high expectations of myself, and about things with the ex, but I didn’t even get started on the heavy stuff (which will obviously need to be dealt with at a later date.)

I was telling her about how I did my A levels and I thought I failed but I didn’t, and she said “did you do well?” and I ummed and ahhed and eventually said “yes, I did do well, but I didn’t do as well as I had hoped,” which was an example of my belief that “if it’s not the best it’s a failure.”

I know it’s irrational, and I said so. But the belief is ingrained into my brain, so I guess that’s one of the things we need to work on. And another is probably that I take on too much, but that’s for another post.

And then we talked about some other stuff but I can’t really remember. And at the end she set me some “homework.” I have to keep a daily mood diary, and she wants me to rate my mood on a scale of 1 – 10 each day. This resulted in me saying it’s hard to do because there’s no measure of what 1 is and what 10 is, and she said this is another example of me wanting to do it perfectly, but it doesn’t have to be perfect, and it just has to be subjective and how I feel that day.

My other homework is to make a timeline of my life, including good and bad events up until now, so that it might explain why I am how I am now, and why I am needing therapy.

A said I should get a book and use it for my CBT, and keep my mood diary and timeline, and future homework in there. I think this is a good idea, and I want to find a nice notebook to use for it. I am going to go and hunt for a suitable notebook when I get a chance.

So then it got to the end of the session and we looked at our timetables for next term, and decided on a time for our therapy sessions. And do you know when it is? The worst time of the week! 9am on a Monday morning!! This was the only suitable time (for now) but at least it will mean I’ll be up in the morning!

So after that we said goodbye, and I started walking back. But I went through Williamson park on the way back because it’s easier to get to uni that way, and I took a few pictures, as it was such a lovely day!

The view from Williamson park

The view from Williamson park

Hmm, having seen how that photo turned out it doesn’t look so nice. In real life it looked much brighter and prettier!! I also got a photo of the Ashton Memorial, which looks pretty cool!

The Ashton Memorial in Williamson Park

The Ashton Memorial in Williamson Park

Oh yes, and one more thing. Near the end of the session, A asked me to give my cognitive triad (the world/other people are…, I am…., the future is…) and I found it really hard to answer.

Eventually we came up with The world/other people are changeable, I am unimportant/I don’t know, the future is hopefully better. She said this is good because I still have some hope left!

And the other thing she asked me was “what are 3 words you would use to describe yourself?” but I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say, so she asked what my boyfriend or friends would say, but I still couldn’t answer.

So instead, I’ll ask you: What 3 words would you use to describe yourself?

Oh dear

Ellie is not okay.

She is even less okay than she previously thought.

(I’m not sure why I’m talking in the 3rd person here, going to switch back to 1st person!)

Today I was meant to have an exam.

I revised to the exam, I felt ok, although not completely prepared.

I went to the exam, still feeling ok.

I sat down in the exam, pressed start (it was on a computer) and promptly forgot everything I have ever known about statistics, and SPSS (the statistics program we use for all our analyses.)

This was not good. Panic entered the room.

I had a minor breakdown. I left the room.

My tutor was nice and said I can do it next term, but I feel awful.

It’s just another thing that I haven’t been able to do this term.

I sat in front of my head of year and cried for over half an hour. He said it’s okay if I do it next term.

He said it’s okay if I do my other exams next term too. But I wanted to do them this term.

I just want to be normal.

I want to be able to do my exams and coursework at the same time as everyone else, I don’t want to need extra time and all this special consideration.

I just want to feel normal.

Everyone keeps saying it’s just one more week. It’s less than that now. But I’m not sure I can do one more week of term.

There’s an exam tomorrow morning, and I want to do it.

I think I’ll try and give it a go.

But is there any point if I’m just going to fail anyway?

And then they started talking about intercalating (taking a year out) again.

I don’t want to do it. Then I’ll feel like a failure.

But what if it is the best thing to do? How am I meant to know?

Will I feel better if I pack it in for a year? Or will I feel even worse?

Sorry for all the questions, they are of course rhetorical, but if anyone has any wise words of wisdom , I’d love to hear them 😛

All in all, I am not feeling good at all. In fact, I’m feeling rather fed up.

And now I have the choice of doing an exam which I probably won’t be able to do my best in, or adding another thing to the list of things I couldn’t do this term…

I hate feeling like this. In my head, it’s just building evidence of me being a useless failure.

Maybe I’m right…