Christmas reflection

Christmas is a funny thing really. We all spend weeks (or even months) preparing – buying gifts, wrapping them, planning, buying and making all the food. And then just like that it’s done – one day and it’s all over.

Christmas can be a tough one – it’s a time when you are supposed to be happy and it’s a social time of year.

It can be hard when you have depression because you know all of your emotions are a bit flat… I always say that I love Christmas, and I do love the idea of it – all the food, spending time with family, Christmas decorations etc etc. Sometimes I wake up and I just feel shit for no reason, and sadly Christmas is not an exception.

I’m feeling quite reflective this evening. I have finished wrapping my presents and I know I should be in bed really. I feel kind of peaceful actually, and peaceful is what I want for my Christmas this year.

I think I’ve let go of the “shoulds” and expectations for this Christmas, maybe that’s why I feel so peaceful. I’m just going to go with the flow. I get to spend time with my family and eat lots of great food.

Some people love it, and for others Christmas is a really hard time, but whichever it is for you, I wish you a merry Christmas, and send warm wishes your way

Love Ellie xx

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On a knife edge

I feel like I’ve reached the stage where I am falling down down down into deep depression again. As far as i can see, i have 2 options:

1. Get back up and fight

Or

2. Give up and let myself fall further

Last night I went out with friends and ended up drinking way too much and got a bit triggered into some dark memories. I also found out that S has been with his new girlfriend for a year which means they got together less than a month after we split up. (EDIT: it was 1 day after we split up. Dickhead.) It’s the fact that he lied about it that really really hurts. And I feel so angry with myself because I thought I was getting to a better place in my head about it all and now I feel like I’m back to where I started.

I knew that things always feel worse when you’re drunk and so I decided to go to bed because I didn’t like where my thoughts were going.

Unfortunately I’ve woken up and I still feel just as low to be honest. I really feel like I’m balancing on a knife edge and I don’t know which way it’s going to go.

I’m so tired of feeling shit. I’m really fed up of it and I’m so angry with myself, the world, with life right now.

I just want it all to stop. I hate myself so much.

Sorry this isn’t a more positive post

Love ellie xx

Lots and lots of reading

At the start of the year I set myself the challenge to read 50 books, so nearly 1 a week! I’ve been doing lots of reading, and have just finished book number 43. I really love reading and I think it has massive benefits for my mental health. I love being able to escape into a different world, and I always feel I learn so much from books, whether they are fiction or non-fiction. I also read on my Kobo e-reader before I go to sleep and have found this has really helped my sleep – I read until my eyes start to shut and then I can close the case and fall asleep. (Warning: this doesn’t work when reading a thriller – I have found myself still awake hours later because I just have to find out what happens!!)

So far this year, my favourite fiction books have been:

• The Girl on the Train – Paula Hawkins
• Me before you – JoJo Moyes
• Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine – Gail Honeyman
• Sweet little lies – Caz Frear
• After the fire – Will Hill

And non-fiction:

• Everything I know about love – Dolly Alderton

• The life changing magic of not giving a fuck – Sarah Night

I am always looking for book recommendations, so let me know your favourites! I was also thinking about writing some book reviews, so let me know if that’s something you’d like to read!

Here is my current “to read” pile, and I also have “Get your shit together – Sarah Knight” waiting on my Kobo e-reader. Now the only decision is which to read next!

Love,

Ellie xx

Make small changes

I found myself sitting there thinking as I have done so many times before “I’m sick and tired of being so tired!” And I think to myself, this can’t be all life is… Is my life really going to be me waking up, pushing myself to function like a normal human but feeling tired all the while, then going to bed and getting hours and hours of sleep which does nothing to energise or replenish? It’s a glass-half-empty view, but possibly an accurate one.

I am taking a long hard look at myself, at my life at the moment. I realised that in 50 years, I don’t want to look back at my life and only see anxiety and depression. I don’t want to be held back by it (or any other of my collection of health issues) anymore than necessary. My low mood and fatigue seem to be dominating my life, and that doesn’t seem fair.

But the thing is, life just carries on. Life will just pass me by if I don’t take an active part. I can spend my life hating myself and feeling sorry for myself that things aren’t how I want them to be. Or, I can start making small changes to help myself.

Obviously, I’m not saying I can just get rid of my anxiety and depression by trying harder, that’s not what I mean. I also do not want to say this so casually as though I don’t understand the devastating effects of mental ill health because I really do. I see it everyday in my job and I live it every day myself.

So I don’t have a choice in that bit, I realistically will always have at least a tendency towards depression and anxiety… it will always be there. But I can change my attitude. I can change the way I look at things, focus on what I can do instead of what I can’t. I can make small changes to make my life easier and potentially happier. It’s worth a shot at least.

The first thing I’m going to do is try to track my time for a couple of weeks. I want to find out where all my time goes because I really don’t know.

The second thing I really really want to achieve, is not snoozing my alarm. If I just got up when it went off instead of pressing snooze and going back to sleep, I know I’d have a better start to the day. I would be less drowsy, less rushed and less stressed. I’m going to make a really conscious effort with that this week – I’ll let you know how it goes.

If anyone has any tips on small changes to improve your life, let me know! I’d also love to hear any ideas about getting up in the morning – I’ve already got a sunrise clock so the room is bright when I wake up, and I’ve moved it across the room so that I have to get out of bed to turn it off, but I STILL SNOOZE IT AND GO BACK TO SLEEP!!

Love,

Ellie xx

Slow and steady wins the race

Last August I was getting into going running regularly again. Things were so different – It was a year in August since my fibromyalgia and/or chronic fatigue syndrome diagnoses.

I would only run once or twice a week though as it made me tired for days afterwards. Before all of this, I had plans to run a half marathon in 2018, but it was not to be. My doctor actually laughed when I mentioned that I was planning that.

So I stopped running. I have been seeing the Physio who has been giving me different stretch exercises to do and sometimes she does acupuncture on me.

Last week she said we can start working towards me running again. I was so excited! Then she said we are literally starting with 1 minute. At first I laughed because that sounds ridiculous, but she explained how we will build it up, and I am fully on board with that. It will start off with walking, running, walking, and the sections of running will increase while the walking decreases.

I hope to do my first one tomorrow – 4 mins walking, 1 min running, 5 mins walking. I’ve made a page in my bullet journal to record my progress. Fingers crossed it goes well and the 10 minutes can then be increased. I need to remember to take it step by step: as the old saying goes – slow and steady wins the race.

Now I think it’s time for bed!

Love,

Ellie xx

Ramblings of a sad person

(Just to warn you, this is a long and rambling post with no particular point. I just needed to get this out)

—————–

I try to remember how lucky I am to have the life I have. I have a great family, great friends, a safe and happy place to live, a job I like etc etc.

But when I get in a mood like I am today, none of that matters. In fact, that probably makes things worse because I feel so guilty, so ungrateful that I am unhappy when I have so much.

Today I feel very low, lost and lonely. I know that when I am over tired, I feel worse. I know that at the moment I am over tired.

But I have this pent up energy inside me – a negative energy, that I don’t know how to release. I feel so angry, so much pain and a lot of sadness. I feel frustrated about small things that don’t matter, but most of all I am angry with myself. I hate myself for not being ok. I hate myself for being depressed when I have such a good life. I hate myself and feel embarrassed that 9 months after the break up I’m still sitting on my bedroom floor crying tonight.

I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to need anyone but I feel so stuck. I know I need to learn to be happy in myself. I know that there are actually times when I feel quite good. I know this will pass.

I know all of this but none of it helps.

I know that what I really need is a good nights sleep and to wake up refreshed tomorrow. I also know that when I feel like this, the chance of that happening is slim to none.

I am trying to distract myself. I did a mindfulness meditation, it actually helped a bit but now the crying has started and there’s no end in sight!

The people I usually talk to when I’m feeling really down are on holiday at the moment, and I don’t want to bother them while they’re away.

I wrote in my journal which helped a bit but I don’t know how to stop. So here I am typing away on my phone. Writing a post of rambling that I don’t know if I’ll post.

Sometimes letting it all out helps. Maybe I needed a cry. Maybe things have been bubbling for too long and the pressure has built up and needed to be released.

I have also had 3 or 4 weeks without a therapy session. My next one is Wednesday, so not long to go.

I want to be ok. I want to have my shit together. I want to be over the break up. I want to be positive, look forward to the future and appreciate all the good.

Tomorrow is new week, a new day. Let’s hope for a good one!

Love,

Ellie xx

My mindfulness journey

I lost my mindfulness streak on the app I use. Part of me is so angry, i was at 309 days… so close to a year!

But it doesn’t matter. At first my mindfulness was a goal, a desire not to lose my streak of days in a row on the app. But now it’s part of my life, and almost every morning and often in the evenings, I sit and take a few minutes to do a mindfulness meditation on my Stop, Breathe and Think app.

I am away at the moment, half way across the world, it’s a scout thing which means practically no time to myself for nearly 3 weeks. I’ve managed to do my mindfulness most days, but I’ve missed a couple (hence the end of my days in a row streak!)

But I’m ok with that. Now meditation is not a chore to be done, but a tool I can use, and that I know helps me. The realisation that the streak doesn’t matter is a freeing one, and it has made me smile.

I have been staying in some beautiful places, up in the mountains with views for miles and miles, and I’ve spent ages just taking it all in. At night, I’ve sat and looked at the beautiful star filled sky, and taken time to be present. That is mindfulness.

I’m really pleased that mindfulness has become a genuine part of my life, and I intend to spend much more time taking in the simple, natural beauties in life, and just being instead of constantly running like a hamster in a wheel.

Love,

Ellie xxx

Beautiful mountains

Trying to learn to love myself

I am meant to be learning to love myself. I really don’t, but I am trying to learn.

My self confidence is poor. The problem is I get sucked into it very easily, as it’s my default. For example, I emailed my manager about some training, did some research on options and sent it on to her. She responded asking if I think it’s what we need as she’s not sure (because she’s not the one working on this topic). I read this as “you are wrong” and start doubting myself. I have since spent a lot of time doing more research of different options and spoken to other colleagues who agreed that the training would be useful. And yet it took me absolutely ages to type up this email explaining why it would be useful to send back to my manager.

My self-confidence is so fragile that the tiniest thing can shatter it. I’ve got it in my head at the moment that I am seen as the least capable staff member in my team. I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t know if anyone thinks that. I am scared that my manager thinks I’m crap.

I really struggle to be positive about myself even though I know I have reasons to be sometimes. I am constantly comparing myself to others or wondering (and assuming) what others think of me. I am not assertive and I really struggle to stand up for myself. The slightest perceived rejection and I back right down.

This is something I need to work on! In my Bullet journal I added a new section for this week – learn to love yourself. I’m making a conscious effort as my therapist suggested that I start writing something about myself that I like every day. It’s really hard. I find myself writing things like “I like my dress” but actually, that’s not about me because I like the dress rather than how I look in it.

It’s much easier for me to write a list of things I hate about myself. I wish I wasn’t so negative about myself. I think this self-criticism is so natural to me that I sort of assumed everyone was like that… I sort of thought “normal” people are self deprecating and see themselves negatively… apparently that’s not true. Apparently there are people that can see the positives as well as the negatives, (there are obviously those people who only see their positives, but that’s a whole other topic on narcissism which I’m not going into today!) and who might actually see themselves as worthy people. Who knew?!

Love,

Ellie xx

Good start to the day

I think what I eat plays a massive part in how I feel. I know that when I feel low or tired (or both), I go on a sugar binge. I struggle to eat sweet things in moderation, and tend to eat lots which then makes me feel even worse.

I have started eating healthy lunches and breakfasts, especially on weekdays as I take my food to work. That way, even if when I eat a load of biscuits etc from our table of treats, at least I’ve eaten lots of fruit and veg too.

For breakfast I usually have fruit, yoghurt and a handful of bran flakes or granola. It’s delicious and healthy, and I think it’s more filling than just a bowl of cereal.

Strawberries, banana, cherry yoghurt and bran flakes – starting the day right

What do you have for breakfast?

Love,

Ellie xx

Memories in a jar

At the beginning of the year, I wrote that I was going to write a happy memory each day and put them all in a jar.

If I am being honest, I did not really think I would stick to it, but I have. I have barely missed a day, and have even taken squares of paper when I have been away from home so I can still write down a memory each day.

Sometimes it’s bloody hard to find something. Sometimes it’s really easy. There have been good days and bad days.

I filled up my first jar. Managed to cram in memories from January until June. I’ve bought another jar the same for the second half of the year. One jar is full of memories, another is empty – full of possibilities.

Love,

Ellie xx