The end?

I feel like I’m kind of done here. I don’t have a lot to say and I don’t have a lot of energy at the moment.
I’m ok, I really feel ok most of the time.
But I notice that if I spend a lot of time on here, it makes me feel worse. I don’t know. I am trying to do things in “real life” instead of spending a lot of time on the internet and alone, it helps.

Most of the time things are pretty good with me. There’s still stuff to work on, but at the moment I feel like this blog isn’t helping me anymore. It makes me think about stuff too much, it makes me feel guilty that I don’t write often or that I don’t keep up with anyone’s blogs anymore. It’s not that I don’t care, I do.

I’m not going to close my blog, but this is just to say I probably won’t be writing much (if at all) anymore. We’ll see.

Maybe if I start therapy again I will come back because then I’d have something to write.

I think I need to keep busy and not be on the internet all the time, it makes me feel lonely and makes things seem worse than they are. I have such a good life, I need to enjoy it and be with the people I have. I’m lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. I guess the death of someone I used to know made me realise that life is short, life is temporary. He was only a year older than me and now he’s gone. I have to make the most of life and being in the “real world” instead of here for hours is the best way of doing that for me right now.

I will check in on blogs every so often I think. I used to read all of the posts in my reader, but there are so many. I feel bad. I feel guilty. But I don’t have the time to do that anymore, and if I try it stresses me out and makes me feel worse. So I’ll end the pressure to read and write.

I’ll probably be back around here sometime soon (in my last post I wrote that I thought I’d write more again, so never know how long this thought will last..) But anyway, I’m ok, and I hope everyone else is too.

I’m sorry that I can’t be a better blogging friend right now. I feel selfish but I wanted to at least explain. Sometimes this blogging world can be a gift, a real help, I know it has helped me a lot in the past. But sometimes it causes pain, difficulty, pessimism, and that’s not the way to recovery. I hope I can come back in a more positive frame of mind about blogging, but for now I shall miss you, and wish you all the best of luck and every happiness that you all deserve.

Lots of love,
Ellie xxx

100 happy days

I’ve seen quite a few people taking part in this “100 happy days” thing on Facebook. The idea is that every day for 100 days you have to do something that makes you happy/you like doing.

There is a website – http://100happydays.com/ where you can register to take part if you want to. You are supposed to take a photo of what makes you happy each day, and you can submit it to facebook, twitter, instagram etc. (Sadly there’s no option for WordPress!)

I think this would be quite a hard challenge. But it’s true – people don’t have time to enjoy the moments. It’s the small things in life that make you happy. It’s the way the birds sing, or the smile on your boyfriend’s face when they see you. It’s the mango icecream from the ice cream café, or the smell of freshly baked bread. We need to notice these things, because however bad things are, there is always some good in the world too, some little piece of happiness.

I am thinking about doing it. I haven’t decided yet whether to do it personally (just in my journal), on here, or through the actual 100 happy days thing… I think it would be hard to have a photo for every day, and I think I’d have to get Instagram to do it (I want to do it as Ellie so I can share my progress with you guys!)

I do think acknowledging the good things, stopping and being in the moment, does help happiness levels. And since I’ve been feeling pretty down lately, a way to feel happy is just what I need! Now to get the courage to start it!!

What do you think about the 100 happy days idea?

 

 

Stuff from my head

S came to Germany and it was nice. We talked a lot about everything and he said he does want to be there for me. He said sometimes it’s too much for him to deal with all my problems as well as his. That’s true, I haven’t been fair, and I’m glad he was honest about this.

elephant journal

So many elephants!

I’ve decided to start writing a journal again. It’s good to let my feelings out and that way maybe S won’t have to deal with everything. I searched for the right book to use as a journal, and then I remembered I have one with lots of elephants on, perfect. I never wanted to write in it before because I didn’t know what to write. I didn’t want to ruin it. But journals are for writing in, so I’m going to write in it. And maybe it will help. I know it was helpful in the past for me to write stuff down, I just got lazy and started missing days, and then eventually I never wrote anymore.

It’s important to write without boundaries, if I censor myself there’s no point. No one else is going to read it anyway. I need to write honestly, and I need to figure things out. I have a long way to go before full recovery and I have decided I am going to ask for a re-referral to the counselling services when I get back to uni.

Anger is probably the biggest issue now. I can’t deal with it at all.

And I still have these flashback moments. And I can’t not react, it just happens.

The other day S grabbed me and I completely freaked out. I was scared of him. I was back in the past and it all seemed so real. I guess that’s the PTSD symptoms which are in my diagnosis.

We were arguing which is triggering enough. But as soon as that happened and I started panicking, we stopped. S said sorry about a million times. I know that it wouldn’t be a big thing to most people but it really scared me. He said he should’ve known, he shouldn’t have done it. I know he wouldn’t hurt me but it brought back memories. Real fear.

I know I over react to stuff but I can’t do anything else. I’m not in control of these reactions.

I flew back to Germany yesterday and I’m meant to be working on my essays today but I can’t concentrate. I can’t think and I have no motivation. This is all too familiar. I know I have to do it. Just a bit at least. Time is going to run out if I carry on like this, and then I’ll be even more stressed. I know what this degree means to me and I don’t want to mess it up. But handing in nothing is worse than handing in something that’s not very good. I know that. I’m telling myself, just do it. Just get it done. I know I’ll feel better once it’s done. Just a case of getting started. Come on.

How can some parts of me be so driven and full of ambition, and others just want to give up on everything and just do nothing?

I hope I’ll have a more positive post to write soon,

Lots of love,

Ellie

xxx

Another realisation

I want wanted to be a psychologist, a clinical psychologist. Since I started studying psychology really, and definitely since I started having my own mental health issues.

And I know it’s competitive. And I always thought: Will I get good enough grades? Will I get through interviews? etc etc.

But maybe I’m not the right sort of person. I’m too emotional. I care too much. I don’t know if I’d be able to listen to people and not react to what they say – remain objective and professional, not emotional.

And my inability to make decisions… how could I possibly decide on a diagnosis? How could I recommend the right treatments, how could I decide where to start?

And besides how can I help anyone else when I can’t even help myself. A depressed psychologist? I doubt that would be very helpful.

I can’t do it. Not because I’m not good enough (although that is also highly likely) but because I’m the wrong sort of person. And you can work as hard as you like, learn interview skills, all of that… but if you’re not the right sort of person you’ll crack, if by some miracle you manage to make it through training in the first place.

There goes my life plan….

Fuck.

Rock

“I’m fed up of being your rock. You should be your own rock.”

It’s true of course. Doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I realised I really don’t like myself. I hate myself in fact.

I knew this before but I’m realising that even though everything else is good in my life, these issues aren’t going to go away by themselves. No one else can make me like myself, I have to learn to. But how?

At school this week I’ve had a couple of lessons by myself, (as in without a teacher being there as well) and it wasn’t good. They don’t listen to me, they are loud and they don’t work. They have a test on Friday but they still think it’s ok to throw things around the classroom and make loads of noise. I bloody hate teenagers. Teaching is not for me, final conclusion on that one. On a brighter note (although it didn’t seem funny at the time), on Monday 2 kids hid in  a cupboard for 25 minutes of my lesson without me noticing. At the time I just felt so stupid and like the most rubbish teachery-type-person in the world, but I guess in retrospect it is quite funny.

S is coming to Germany on Saturday and instead of being excited, I’m mostly scared. I am looking forward to seeing him of course, but my mind is full of what ifs. What if things are different? What if he doesn’t feel the same anymore? What if he’s not attracted to me anymore? What if, what if, what if.

And I know it’s stupid. It doesn’t help anyone, least of all me to do this to myself but I don’t know how to stop. I am disgusted with myself and yet I don’t do anything about it. But how can I?

I don’t know how to like myself. I feel ugly, stupid, unwanted.

I’m always on the edge. I still think people are only there because they feel sorry for me. That’s not ok. And it’s probably not even true but I still think it. I’m just worth nothing. That’s how I feel. I’m not good enough in any way.

So yeah, still got issues.

Lots of love,
Ellie

xxx

Distraction

I opened up a new paint document and started making a picture. I’m not very good at arty things but on paint you can use premade shapes and it’s just a matter of clicking.

Turns out it really calmed me down. Just thinking about how the stars fit together, deciding which colours should go where.

It’s pretty simple but helpful. I’d recommend it. I might buy one of those colouring books, I think that would be useful for me when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Just to calm me down and take me away from my thoughts.coloured starsNow I’m actually going to bed,

Lots of love

Ellie xxx

p.s. Just noticed the mistake in my stars picture. Nothing’s perfect!!

It’s like I’ve fallen into a deep abyss of darkness. Can’t see a way out.

I’ve only been feeling down a couple of days and it already feels terrible. I can’t do this again. I won’t.

I feel so lonely. No one has time for me at the moment. My parents are busy tonight. S is with 3 of my good friends. Everyone is busy except me. All my friends in Germany are busy too so I spent the day alone. I know it’s not good for me.

I wanted to get some work done but I didn’t. I feel like crap.

I watched a film. It was a German one. And I’ve been watching “my mad fat diary”. Not sure if I like it to be honest, just needed to pass the time.

I want to wake up tomorrow and feel better again but I can’t see it happening.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if it gets to Monday and I’m still feeling like this. I have responsibilities here, I have to go to work (school), then I have some tutoring sessions and then uni… it’s all busy busy busy. Maybe that’s a good thing though.

I just feel sad and I can’t explain it. It just hurts and it all feels so pointless. Everything.

I’m completely demotivated to do anything now. I can’t do it.

Where’s all my positivity gone? I was going to get somewhere, do something with my life… and now all of that is gone from my mind.

I’ve sat in bed for most of the day. I’ve cried. I’ve eaten some cadburys, that didn’t even cheer me up.

I just hate myself. That’s the thing really, and that’s the thing I can’t seem to get past.

Useless. Pointless. Waste of time. Burden. Not good enough. Never good enough.

Maybe I can sleep this negativity off….

Night night

Ostriches

Maybe I haven’t magically got better. Maybe I just stuck my head in the sand like an ostrich (do they actually do that?)

I’ve been busy busy busy, and have hardly had time to feel low or homesick, or any of the other things I was worried about.

But I tried to have an essay day today. I failed miserably. And I’m feeling miserable. 8000 words in German to write. Today I wrote a grand total of less than 100 words. Well done me. I’ve been doing some research as well today but it’s really hard to find stuff that’s relevant. Especially as it’s in German.

I’m starting to worry worrying about next year at uni. We are supposed to be C1 (on the European framework of languages) by the time we get back. I found this out yesterday. And I’m currently doing a B2 course, it finishes in 2 weeks and I only have another 2 months here. There is NO WAY IN HELL I’m getting to C1 level by October. NOT going to happen.

And that means I’ve really messed up. Because if I’m not good enough at German, I’m not going to get good German grades. And German is half of my degree, so no matter how well I do in psychology, if my German grades are crap, my degree classification will be too. I am waving goodbye to my hopes at a first… Damn.

So after my failure of a day, and panic at my lack of German, I was looking forward to visiting a German friend this weekend… it would mean a weekend of speaking German (which is always useful!) and I was looking forward to seeing her. But now I’m not going, she has the flu. It’s not her fault, but it’s brought me down. And to add another snippet of annoyance; I’ve had to cancel my train tickets, which is a cost of 15 euros each way, so I’ve spent 30 euros on not going… lucky me.

In one sense it’s probably a good thing. I now have a weekend to catch up on sleep, and hopefully do some work on these bloody essays.

I really didn’t want to leave them all until the end. I had a plan. I was meant to have done 1 by Christmas and another 2 by Easter… fat chance. It’s nearing Easter now, and I’ve written 0 essays. I’ve written a little bit of one of them, and an even littler bit of the second one. I still have until July, it’s not like the deadline is soon. But I wanted them finished while I’m in Germany really, that’s when my German will be at its “best”.

Complaining, rambling rant over.

I just feel sad. And suddenly I don’t feel like I’m doing so well.

Have a good and restful weekend everyone,

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

 

Anger

I am very angry.

This  is not a new epiphany, but one I am reminded of every so often. It bubbles under the surface, and normally doesn’t rise. But then it does. And it always appears to be an over reaction.

But what people don’t understand is that I’m not absolutely fuming with rage because I missed my train, it’s because of everything I’ve ever been angry about. Ok, maybe not everything, but a lot.

I don’t deal with anger well. I don’t deal with anger “normally” either. I tend to lash out at those closest to me, that’s not abnormal though. I think most people do, when they’re angry about a lot of things. The anger gets displaced and taken out on the wrong person (usually S if I’m honest.) And I know it’s not right and it’s not fair but I don’t know how to change.

And when I get angry, I get SO angry. I will end up saying horrible things and bringing up past arguments that aren’t relevant. But that’s because I hold onto everything, I can’t let it go. And so in my head, it’s all connected. If he did x, y and z wrong a year ago, and he then does something else (a) now, I feel like he doesn’t care. Because if he did, he wouldn’t have done x, y, z and a. But it’s stupid. Because people make mistakes, and quite often these things that I get annoyed about aren’t rational things to be bothered by.

I’m constantly ready to tip over the edge. And then I do, and we argue. And I cry. And I apologise, and it’s ok for a while. But I hate arguing, it terrifies me. Because every time me and the ex used to argue, he would always threaten to break up with me, threaten to tell someone something… and so I spent (and still spend) much of my life apologising, sometimes for things that aren’t even my fault. Every time we argue (S and I), it freaks me out, and I think that we aren’t going to be ok anymore. He says that couples argue, it’s normal. But I can’t get the past out of my head and so it still scares me. We don’t normally argue, not properly. But being away is hard and we’ve argued more this year because of that, and being away I don’t even have him to comfort me when I am sad. Sometimes it’s hard.

And the weird thing is, when I’m angry, like really really angry… I cry. And people think I’m upset, but I’m not, I’m angry. It just all builds up, and there’s so much anger and emotion, and I can’t deal with it so it ends up with me crying like a little girl. Not the effect you want when you’re trying to argue with someone.

I need to deal with my anger, that’s the crux of this. It all comes back to things with the ex. I was never allowed to be angry, it was always MY fault. And the anger was displaced, onto myself. And it was stored up inside me, so at any time I had a whole host of things to criticise myself about. I have never dealt with the anger I feel about everything that happened, I didn’t know how and now I supress it all and try and forget everything. But I can’t (of course I can’t.) So I think when I get back to England, more counselling is needed. Until I deal with this anger, I’m never going to be able to react to anger in a normal way. And it’s an important thing, dealing with anger.