A positive post!

This is going to be a list of positive “mantras”, quotes and phrases:

A great quote from "A Cinderella Story"

A great quote from “A Cinderella Story”

I can do this.

I can and I will.

Doing my best is enough.

Keep calm and carry on.

This too shall pass.

I will accept the things I cannot change.

Be the best version of you.

Everything will be ok in the end, and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.

When everything feels like an uphill struggle, think of the view from the top!

I am who I am.

Never give up.

winniethepoohquote

If anyone has any more to add, please let me know and I’ll add them to the list, with credit to you of course!

I hope you enjoy this list and can draw some positivity and motivation from it 🙂 (and if you fancy some more happy things, I’ve updated by Instant Happiness page!)

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New Years Resolutions

It’s the last day of 2012, so I’m going to have a go at today’s Daily Post prompt:

Tell us about the three things you’d most like to change about your life, and make a bold, I-don’t-care-who-knows-it-because-there’s-a-meteor-a-comin’ assertion to the world that you are going to get these changes made. And that you’ll have at least started making them happen by March. When, erm, you’re probably going to wind up as dust.

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Probably unsurprisingly, there is something MAJOR I want to change in my life for 2013…

I want to beat depression (and anxiety!)*

That in itself is a huge feat and I know it is not something that will be achieved easily or without work, but I am determined that 2013 is going to be a new start, and I am going to get better.

More specifically, here are my new year’s resolutions for 2013:

  1. Try to do the Daily Post challenge as much as possible**
  2. Explore every possible avenue in escaping depression and anxiety until I can be the not-so-anxious Elephant.
  3. Lose the weight I’ve put on since I’ve been on Mirtazapine
  4. Get fit! (Back to the gym then Ellie!***)
  5. Look after myself

There are many many more things that I want to do in 2013, but right now, at the end of 2012, I have learnt that the most important thing for me to do next year is look after myself, which is resolution number 5, but resolutions 2, 3 and 4 also would fit into that category!

So now I’d like to raise a metaphorical glass, and say – Here is to hope for the future, and a better year next year!

*How’s that for a “bold, I-don’t-care-who-knows-it-because-there’s-a-meteor-a-comin’ assertion”?

**Everyday is probably too much of a commitment right now

***Well, I’ve already paid for a gym membership!

Things about Ellie (right now)

  1. I am not coping as well as I had originally thought/hoped. (I think I’ve been in denial for quite a while*)
  2. I want to curl up in my bed in the dark and hide there until this all goes away (but it won’t)
  3. I can’t do everything like I was hoping. (This was all attempting to distract myself from the fact that I really am not coping.)
  4. I want to give up.
  5. I am sabotaging my relationship because of my ex (not intentionally.) I start arguments over nothing, and am convinced he’s going to hurt me/leave me/cheat on me, despite having no evidence of this.
  6. In relation to 5, I am being very irrational, and I know it.
  7. I think I was bullied when I was younger. (It did upset me, but I thought it was “normal”/just teasing)
  8. I hate the ex for what he’s done, because I can’t get through a week without being frequently triggered.
  9. Even though I feel like giving up, I can’t. I can’t let people down.
  10. Sometimes I need to ask for help and people will help if you let them.**
  11. But not doctors…***
  12. I have people who care about me here and in real life (and that makes me lucky)

In conclusion, things are not very good in Ellie land, but even though I want to, I can’t give up yet.

*Oo that rhymes!

**I had to ask for an extension for coursework, but they were nice so it’s ok.

***Feeling hopeless about the doctor situation, they can’t seem to do anything to help. If 5 medications haven’t helped, why would a 6th? But I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and give this current one (number 5) another 2 weeks.

Gahhhhhhhh

This is not good. Ellie is having bad and unproductive thoughts today 😦

1. I am rubbish at everything so there’s no point in trying.

2. I am fat. Fat and ugly. Yuck.

3. I have lots of work to do, but I’m too stupid to do any of it.

4. I want to eat lots of chocolate and nice things, but that will make 2 worse!

5. I won’t be good enough to go to Germany in August.

6. I am a failure.

7. I can’t seem to do anything right/get anything finished… I STILL haven’t finished that important post, AND I haven’t finished my Brilliant Blog Award post (because I can’t think of 7 things I believe in)

~~~

I don’t know why I can’t seem to stop these thoughts coming into my head. They are not helpful at all, and they are making me feel like retreating to a dark room and a duvet.

But there’s no time to hide… I have an essay and a directed review to do for Psychology and I have to prepare for my German translation test on Monday, and there’s just so much to do…

I went to the gym today. It was good because it woke me up, and it was nice to spend time with Owl.  But I’m finding myself comparing myself to other people (including Owl) and they are just so much thinner and better looking than me… 😦

But in other news, Ellie is doing an experiment on herself.

This experiment involves running for a JCR position!*

That will involve getting out of my comfort zone:

1. Campaigning – I have to make posters, flyers etc.

2. Talking to people – I am going to go round to lots of the houses on campus to ask them to vote for me!

3. Doing a speech in front of people!!!! – This is the majorly scary thing. I don’t do public speaking, I’m awful at it.

4. I might not win (there are 2 other people going for the same position) which would mean dealing with FAILURE!

Whilst this is a pretty radical thing to do, I would really like to be on the JCR (just not the path to get there!) so I’m going to give it my best shot.

The timing really isn’t ideal. But time doesn’t wait for anyone, including Ellie, so “The show must go on!”

Wish me luck!!!

*The JCR is a group of students who help run the college, and includes roles such as President, Wellfare officer, Communications officer and social secretaries.

I think I’ve been transported to a parallel universe!

Everything is topsy-turvy!

Things I expect to happen just don’t. And things I don’t expect to happen, do!

This week I appear to have entered an alternative reality where several things are different:

1. After having a complete melt-down last Saturday*, I was incredibly surprised (in a good way) to see Shopaholic’s** reaction to me being very upset. I discovered that she actually does care about me, which I never really thought was the case before this. Later this week, Shopaholic also showed very nice loveliness to Footballer**, and has given up living with H** to live with Footballer next year. – In short, I have discovered a caring and thoughtful side to Shopaholic, which I have never seen before.***

2. While standing in the queue for Greggs****, I suddenly heard someone say my name. I turned round to see L**, and we then preceeded to chat, and she showed genuine interest in me/my life, which has never been the case in the past. L is one of the “popular” type girls, so usually doesn’t pay me any attention/only talks to me if I talk to her. I have never had many proper conversations with her, so I was surprised that she actually knew who I was, and some stuff about me. (Maybe I’m not invisible after all!)

3. I feel good!!! This is the biggest and best change from the normal universe. I feel like I can do stuff, and live my life. I feel like I’m going to be ok (and happy eventually) which is a feeling I have lacked for a long time. I no longer feel completely hopeless, AND I’ve been able to socialise – and enjoy it! Last night I went on a society night out, and enjoyed it. I didn’t even mind being in a crowd (in the club) and I didn’t worry throughout the night, I just enjoyed it!

So, whatever’s happening in this weird turn of events, I like it! I’d be very happy to stay here, and although I am beyond confused, I’m not going to question it!

I feel like I can take on the world! I have an incredibly busy life at the moment***** but I don’t mind. I want to do EVERYTHING! I now feel like I am done with being in the background, I want to make myself into someone, instead of being no one (which I always have been.) I feel like I can socialise, I even feel like my year abroad is a good idea!! This is all really good, I just hope and pray that this is it – I’ve got out of my depression, and I’m not going back.

I’m not naive enough to think that that is the case. I am fully expecting something to go drastically wrong soon, but I’m content to just go with it, and see what happens. If the fall comes, it’s going to be really hard, but I’m actually starting to let people in, so IF the fall comes, I WILL have people there to help me.

The only negative thing in this strange world, is that I am very easy to anger at the moment. I get wound up by the smallest thing, and I can be argumentative at the moment, which is unlike me (I’m usually non-confrontational in general!) I’m not sure what’s going on with my mood to be honest, but I’m hoping the anger will settle down. When I get angry I just see red…it doesn’t matter how small the thing is, but it builds up into this rage that I am struggling to keep control of. Having thought about it, I have realised that it is probably due to the unresolved anger I’ve had for years, especially regarding the ex. SO when I get angry, it’s not just the thing I’m angry about, but 4 or 5 years****** of anger which I never really let out. So that’s something I need to deal with through counselling, maybe…. I’m on 2 waiting lists (uni and NHS – fun fun fun) so we will see!

And as a final conclusion to this mish-mash of words, I want to say I am very sorry for my rubbishness at reading people’s blogs recently…It’s not that I don’t want to read them, I have just been so busy! I am hoping to get back on track, I’ve been trying to catch up, so if I haven’t in the next couple of days, I may have to cut my losses and just start from the current time (sorry if this means I miss important posts!!)

P.S WeeGee, do you think I used enough asterisks?*******

*Consisting of getting very drunk off not very much alcohol (that’s what happens when you mix alcohol with 2 antidepressants…) and starting arguments with anyone and everyone, including Mr Map** and Mr Smith**, plus a random guy who kept (purposefully) bumping/shoving into me in the nightclub. I then ran away and was found a few minutes later by Zorro** who very kindly took me home, crying my eyes out (and refusing to get a taxi despite the rain)

**You can find out more about them on my Who I write about page, which I have now updated!

***This is not to say I thought she was a horrible person, more that she wasn’t an (openly) caring person – which turns out not to be true.

****To buy a sausage roll and an iced finger, in case you were wondering! (yum)

***** Out of choice – societies, my degree, the gym, volunteering (when that starts)

*******Did you know, the word “asterisk” comes from Greek ( ἀστερίσκος, asteriskos) and Latin (asteriscus) meaning “little star” 🙂

******I say 4 or 5 years because even though the relationship was 3 years, there was more or less 1 year either side of the relationship where he controlled me.

An award for Ellie!

This is a bit late, I’ve been a very busy Ellie lately, but I’m here now! I was surprised and very happy to read a comment on my blog from Jen saying that she has nominated me for the very inspiring blogger award! I thought that was so lovely of her, and so touched to be called “very inspiring”! So I want to say a HUGE THANK YOU to Jen from jiltaroo.wordpress.com (and that you should check out her lovely blog!)

So, here’s the rules!

Very Inspiring Blogger Award Rules

1.Display the award logo on your blog.
2.Link back to the person who nominated you.
3.State 7 things about yourself.
4.Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them.
5.Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.

 

7 things about AnxiousElephant:

1. I want to be a clinical psychologist “when I grow up”

2. Cadburys Dairy Milk Caramel is my favourite chocolate. (I would rather have Cadburys than posh expensive chocolate any day!)

3. I love rollercoasters (and everyone is surprised when they hear that, as I’m scared of everything)

4. My favourite number is 17

5. I don’t like vanilla icecream (I am strange)

6. When I was younger I used to want to be a vet, then I realised I’m scared of most animals and blood…

7. I am trying to find myself again (because I don’t know who I am anymore)

My Nominations!

(I’ve tried not to nominate blogs who have already been nominated, but may have got some that have already been nominated anyway!)

http://thedepressedmoose.com/  (of course – since he inspired me to write my own blog!!)

http://jumpingonclouds.com/

http://weegeemcscot.wordpress.com/

http://onethousandsingledays.com/

http://alwaysallegoric.wordpress.com/

http://stuffredsaid.wordpress.com/

http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

http://overthinkingmind.wordpress.com/

http://myunexcusedlife.wordpress.com/

http://brandonbored.wordpress.com/

http://hopethehappyhugger.wordpress.com/

http://dysphoricrapture.wordpress.com/

http://aworldofinspirations.wordpress.com/

http://buckwheatsrisk.com/

http://halfwaybetweenthegutter.wordpress.com/

Thank you again Jen for the nomination 🙂 xx

Centenary Post!!

This is my 100th post on AnxiousElephant! It hasn’t been all that long since I started my little blog, and somehow I’ve managed to write 100 posts! I wanted this post to be special, and to have something really interesting or meaningful to say, but I don’t.

So instead, this post is for you – you who read my blog, you who give me support and comment on my blog, you who write your own lovely blogs which I love reading…

I want to say A HUGE THANK YOU to all of you!

And here’s a list (because who doesn’t love lists?!) of reasons why blogging is great!

  1. You can write whatever you want
  2. You can customise it to make it look how you want
  3. You can find lots of other blogs to read
  4. You can make lots of amazing bloggy friends
  5. You can get support and give support to others
  6. You can just write anonymously, and let your feelings out
  7. You can learn – from your own writing, and other people’s blogs
  8. It is (or can be) FREE!
  9. It is your own place where you can be yourself
  10. You can keep track of your moods/feelings/whatever you want to write about!
  11. It is fun!!

Does anyone have anything else to add to my list? I’m sure I could think of more, but my brain is not currently working!! 😛

So now I’m hoping I make it to 200 posts!!!

New (uni) year’s resolutions

So it’s a new year of university, and I want things to be different this year. I’m going to make a list of “new years resolutions”, and then at Christmas, I’ll do a post reviewing how well I’ve stuck to them*! Here goes… (wish me luck!)

  1. Do some exercise at least 3 times a week (preferably more – of course!)
  2. Eat more healthy food
  3. Keep my room tidy
  4. Do my work the day I get it**
  5. Finish my coursework before the day of the deadlines
  6. Join more societies***
  7. Go to the library more (to do some work!)
  8. Try to maintain 100% attendance (or as close as possible!)
  9. Do some volunteering/work experience that will help me become a psychologist (if possible)
  10. Get organised/sort my life out****
  11. Realise when I need help and ask for it (basically be kinder to myself!)

So there we have it, 11 things to try and stick to…let’s see how long they last!

*I’ve realised that I am not sticking to these things already, and it’s the first week…fail! Will start again from the weekend…honest! 0:)

**Small pieces of work, not essays etc, they take ages!!

***Ok so I’ve already done this one (yay me!) but this was meant to go on the list – was planning to post it before uni started, but life got in the way! I’ve joined psychology, german, languages and writers societies 🙂

****This will never happen, but worth a shot…I’m the most disorganised person in the world!

Yesterday’s to do list

Yesterday I wrote a long post about recent events, and included a to – do list. Moose commented that he’d be interested to see what I got done, so today I’m doing an update post based on yesterday’s list! (If you haven’t been on The Depressed Moose’s blog, you should definitely check it out – and his 2 books!!)

This is the list I posted yesterday:

Today I’m planning to do a number of things:

1. Go into town to buy some cleaning supplies

2. Unpack (or at least start)

3. Catch up on reading the blogs I follow

4. Do one of the 30 days writing challenges

5. Start cleaning the house

6. Cook something proper for dinner

7. Skype the boyfriend, and possibly parents

8. Write about the appointment with the psychiatrist

In bold is the stuff I got done yesterday

In italics is the stuff I sort of did, or started

In underlined text is stuff I didn’t do yesterday but did today

And in normal text is stuff that hasn’t been done or started yet.

Not too bad really, there’s only one thing I haven’t started yet, and that is the post about the appointment with the psychiatrist, which I will probably write tonight.

The stuff I got done is admittedly the easy/more interesting stuff. I spent several hours yesterday catching up with everyone’s blogs! Went on a walk into town and got a whole herd of cleaning supplies*, wrote some bloggy stuff and skyped my boyfriend, my friend (Sheep) and my parents. Not bad, not too bad at all.

When I say stuff I sort of did or have started, what I mean is I did have dinner, but I’m not sure putting tortellini in boiling water for 1 minute counts as “cooking something proper for dinner,” however today I’m making a stir fry – yum yum! As for the cleaning, I’ve made a start in the kitchen, and was planning to clean the shower but I can’t get the dirt to come off (eww!) so will have to try with a scourer or something!

Then today I finally started unpacking, still got a long way to go but hopefully I’ll finish that this evening. I think I take on too much at once, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’m feeling remarkably POSITIVE today, and I don’t even mind that I failed to complete my list yesterday – because *drum roll*… IT DOESN’T MATTER!

Hope everyone else is having a positive day too!!

*I wonder if there is a collective noun for “cleaning supplies”, I shall stick to herd!

Thanks to a lovely man called Rob

I am back!! (yay!)

Today, at 12pm I rang the people who manage problems etc at my new house in Lancaster to tell them my internet wasn’t working, and that the microwave wasn’t working. By 12:10, a man called Rob (from IT) had phoned me, and was talking me through how to fix the internet. And by 12:20, I had internet!! So today, I am thankful for a lovely man called Rob, who knows about internet!!

(It turned out this wasn’t my fault/me being stupid, but was the landlord’s fault, and a problem which recurred each year. On the router it says “Please do not unplug or remove this router.” And, every year, the land lord unplugs the router and moves it! Long story short, it now works! Yay Rob!!)

So anyway, I shall do an update on life, the universe and everything… (The answer is 42, by the way.*)

On Wednesday I had my trip to Birmingham to go and see Michael McIntyre. I had a really nice day out with my boyfriend, Monkey and her boyfriend. We went shopping, and then went for dinner and cocktails in a pub, before going to the NIA to see Michael McIntyre himself. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much in my whole life! (I actually felt sick from laughing so much, and my face ached at the end – so worth it though!!)

Then me and my boyfriend got the train back to London, and the nightbus back home. It was a long journey, slipping in and out of sleep on the train, and trying to stay awake on the night bus. On the train I overheard a couple of guys (who were drinking copious amounts of beer) having a strange conversation. At one point, one man said to the other “If you had to lose one of your senses, which one would it be?” Fairly deep for a drunken conversation, I thought!! (Although I didn’t actually hear the answer from the 2nd man.)

So, which would it be? If you had to lose one of your senses?

When we got back it was about 2:30am, and my boyfriend was allowed to stay round (he’s not usually), so we had lots of lovely cuddles, which was nice as I was going to leave the next day!

On Thursday, I had my appointment with the psychiatrist. I am going to write about it properly later. Afterwards, I went for breakfast with my boyfriend and cheese**. We had pancakes at Wetherspoons (I would recommend these if you ever get the chance!) I had mine with maple syrup and bacon… sounds strange, but an AMAZING combination!!

Then it was full steam ahead on packing! I didn’t know I owned this much stuff! And although I tried to bring less stuff than last year, I am now sitting in my new room, completely surrounded by boxes, suitcases, bags and a ukulele. (To be fair, it is a very small room!)

On Thursday night I stayed at my Nannie’s house in the Midlands (about half way to Lancaster), it was really nice to see her, but sad at the same time. She has Alzheimer’s disease, and it is very sad to see her so different to how she used to be. We had the same conversations over and over again, and she had no recollection that we had already talked about these things.

On Friday, me and my mum said our goodbyes to my Nannie (my mum’s mum) and got back in the car to continue our journey up to The North. I am pleased to tell you that Steve*** made it up to Lancaster in one piece, in case anyone was worried about him! 😛

We arrived on campus to pick up keys to the new house, then went to the town hall to get a temporary parking permit. Sadly, this was not the five minute in – and – out that I was expecting, but took closer to an hour, sitting and waiting for my number to be called! We then went up to the house, and started bringing my ridiculous amount of stuff into the house. (I am the first out of my housemates to arrive, the others won’t be here until Tuesday/Wednesday.)

Later, we went out for dinner and had a wander around the city. I am glad to be back, I do love Lancaster – such a cute and pretty town. It is quite cold up here though, and I could see my breath as I talked – in September!!

On Saturday morning, I had to be on campus for 8am (this time does not usually exist to me, let alone getting up at 6:30!!) and started my day as a “Grizedale accommodation guide”. I basically spent the entire day explaining about the accommodation (which is where I lived last year) and telling everyone that Grizedale is the best college to be in! Gotta love college spirit!

I was very pleased with how the day went. I felt a bit unsure and nervous at the beginning, but within a short time I settled into the role, and actually quite enjoyed it! No anxiety in sight!! 😀 I felt a great sense of achievement at the end of the day, I had received only good comments about my accommodation tours, and one person even said “It was worth coming just to meet you,” which was lovely, even if it was a bit strange.

Back in my house yesterday evening, I was knackered. I couldn’t be bothered to cook anything properly, so I just made chicken instant noodles (I’m a real student!) and settled down to watch Bridget Jones’ Diary and Bridget Jones’ Diary 2! (I had no internet, so DVDs were the only option!)

I went to bed relatively early, seeing as I had nothing else to do, and I was tired, and actually slept pretty well! (Despite the trains outside my house, which are not actually too much of a problem.)

So now we’re back to today, and I have already explained what happened, so now… I’m back!

Today I’m planning to do a number of things:

1. Go into town to buy some cleaning supplies

2. Unpack (or at least start)

3. Catch up on reading the blogs I follow

4. Do one of the 30 days writing challenges

5. Start cleaning the house

6. Cook something proper for dinner

7. Skype the boyfriend, and possibly parents

8. Write about the appointment with the psychiatrist

Sorry about the length of this post, if you’ve got to the end thank you so much for reading my ramblings!

* 10 Ellie points if you get this reference!

** cheese is one of my friends who I used to work with. He is called cheese because he works on the cheese counter at work, however he doesn’t like cheese (much to my amusement!)

*** the orchid – of course!