Therapy 

I had a therapy session yesterday, the first one for about 4 weeks because I was away and then she was away. Since I last saw her, a lot has happened – I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I went sky diving, my anxiety has got worse, my depression has got worse etc etc. 

It was good to talk. It was good to be completely honest and open instead of wondering and worrying about how she would react, what she would think of me. I’m glad and I know I’m lucky that I have reached this feeling of trust with my therapist. I don’t filter my words and thoughts in that room. There’s no expectation. I told her I’m feeling rubbish. I feel low, lonely, angry, disappointed, hopeless…. all of this negativity. And she doesn’t tell me I should be grateful for what I have or tell me it’s going to be ok. She sits with me in the shit and she’s just there, listening, understanding. 

After last nights session, I had the best sleep I’ve had in probably about a month (coincidence, I think not!) I felt a sense of relief, an ability to breathe properly when I left. I needed to get things out. 

I cried and it was hard. And I named difficult things which I didn’t used to be able to do. I used to clam up and not be able to talk when things were hard, but now I can say them even if it’s through tears. 

Without a doubt I know therapy has helped me massively, and it still is. I can see that I have made a lot of progress, and even though my mood has done a nosedive since May and is showing no signs of improving, it helps to talk about it, and I’m not in the dark place I once was. 

I am currently en route to the middle of nowhere for my hike, so won’t be writing for a few days. When I get back I’m going to write a series of blog posts on things that help. (One of them will be on bullet journals, I imagine I’ll write one on therapy at some point.) I’ve already started writing the posts so I’m excited to share my experiences with you, and hoping maybe some of the ideas will help others too. 

Love,

Ellie xx

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Anger

I am very angry.

This  is not a new epiphany, but one I am reminded of every so often. It bubbles under the surface, and normally doesn’t rise. But then it does. And it always appears to be an over reaction.

But what people don’t understand is that I’m not absolutely fuming with rage because I missed my train, it’s because of everything I’ve ever been angry about. Ok, maybe not everything, but a lot.

I don’t deal with anger well. I don’t deal with anger “normally” either. I tend to lash out at those closest to me, that’s not abnormal though. I think most people do, when they’re angry about a lot of things. The anger gets displaced and taken out on the wrong person (usually S if I’m honest.) And I know it’s not right and it’s not fair but I don’t know how to change.

And when I get angry, I get SO angry. I will end up saying horrible things and bringing up past arguments that aren’t relevant. But that’s because I hold onto everything, I can’t let it go. And so in my head, it’s all connected. If he did x, y and z wrong a year ago, and he then does something else (a) now, I feel like he doesn’t care. Because if he did, he wouldn’t have done x, y, z and a. But it’s stupid. Because people make mistakes, and quite often these things that I get annoyed about aren’t rational things to be bothered by.

I’m constantly ready to tip over the edge. And then I do, and we argue. And I cry. And I apologise, and it’s ok for a while. But I hate arguing, it terrifies me. Because every time me and the ex used to argue, he would always threaten to break up with me, threaten to tell someone something… and so I spent (and still spend) much of my life apologising, sometimes for things that aren’t even my fault. Every time we argue (S and I), it freaks me out, and I think that we aren’t going to be ok anymore. He says that couples argue, it’s normal. But I can’t get the past out of my head and so it still scares me. We don’t normally argue, not properly. But being away is hard and we’ve argued more this year because of that, and being away I don’t even have him to comfort me when I am sad. Sometimes it’s hard.

And the weird thing is, when I’m angry, like really really angry… I cry. And people think I’m upset, but I’m not, I’m angry. It just all builds up, and there’s so much anger and emotion, and I can’t deal with it so it ends up with me crying like a little girl. Not the effect you want when you’re trying to argue with someone.

I need to deal with my anger, that’s the crux of this. It all comes back to things with the ex. I was never allowed to be angry, it was always MY fault. And the anger was displaced, onto myself. And it was stored up inside me, so at any time I had a whole host of things to criticise myself about. I have never dealt with the anger I feel about everything that happened, I didn’t know how and now I supress it all and try and forget everything. But I can’t (of course I can’t.) So I think when I get back to England, more counselling is needed. Until I deal with this anger, I’m never going to be able to react to anger in a normal way. And it’s an important thing, dealing with anger.

One of those days

Last night I went to bed early, really early. Why? Because I felt I’ll and because I was meant to be at work at 7am this morning.

So my alarm went off at 6 this morning, I got up, had breakfast bla bla bla… Drove to work. And my name was not on the rota. The guy who sorts out the rotas wasn’t there, so I drove home and went back to bed. Not a happy bunny (or elephant!) this is not the first time they’ve mucked up my hours. I was meant to be working Wednesday this week and they took that one off (but I knew in advance) and now they take away my other day of overtime, and don’t bother to tell me! So angry about this. And I could do with the money so it’s really not ideal.

One good thing is that I got to go back to bed for a few hours, still not feeling well today. I’ve brought out the lemsip max! But still very angry about this whole work thing, they keep messing around with my hours, and considering I was told the want me to work 30 hours a week, 8 or 16 just isn’t cutting it for me!

I’m working tomorrow and Sunday, but that’s it for this week. Highly irritating that there’s barely any overtime and there’s nothing I can do about it! Grr!

So to conclude: my immune system is crap and my manager at work (well one of them) is crap.

I got upset at work this morning. After getting up that early especially when I was feeling ill, it was all a bit much and I couldn’t stop the tears leaking out of my eyes. But I’m more angry than upset… I often cry when I’m angry. I cry when I’m sad too, but it’s annoying when I cry from anger because I look like I’m overreacting and being upset over nothing.

I’m off to see S this afternoon, maybe he will be able to cheer me up (and hopefully I won’t make him ill too!)

Lots of love,
Ellie xxx
P.s. the other day S said I’m an anxious little elephant… And he doesn’t know the name of my blog! Spooky or what!?

Not safe

*possible trigger warning – it gets pretty negative.*

Every so often I seem to have these little panics…

I’m not safe. Nothing is safe. No one can keep me safe.

I have got too close to S and it scares me. He could leave like the ex did. Not safe. I caught myself thinking I should get away from him (S), I need to leave before he leaves, then it’s my fault choice. But Ellie you tried that one… you ended it before and felt worse than ever. 

I think maybe it’s about control. I can’t control how I feel and how I would feel if he left. I can’t control whether he leaves or not (that’s why I feel like I should leave first, then I’d be in control). 

I don’t know what is going to happen when I move to Germany. I can’t control it, I can’t plan it all. It’s new and big and scary. New language, new place, new people… What if I can’t handle it?*

It’s happened again… this downwards spiral. It was about one thing, and now it’s about EVERYTHING.

I just want to be safe.

I feel so low and I don’t really know why. Maybe I’m just thinking too much (as usual). When I feel like this I wonder if the progress I’ve been making is even real. My thoughts scare me. I just want to be safe, or at least I want control. I want it all to stop, it’s all too much. I want to die. I’m not safe here, how do I carry on? Sometimes I really think it would be easier if I wasn’t alive.** And the urge to hurt myself, punish myself for all this is strong. But it doesn’t help. I know it doesn’t help so why do I want to do it? It doesn’t solve anything.

*I know I’m not allowed to say “what if”, but I did anyway.

**Please do not read into this too much – these are thoughts and not plans, I know these feelings/thoughts will pass. 

CBT: Get up and get out!

No don’t worry – these were not words said by my therapist to me (or vice versa.) Yesterday I was feeling pretty down and really didn’t feel like doing anything. But my appointment was at 2pm, so having finally dragged myself up at about 1, I called a taxi and went to my CBT session.

And I’m glad I did, I felt a bit better afterwards. And once you’re up and about, things normally feel a bit better. If I stay in bed hiding all day, what have I achieved? Nothing. But by getting up and out and going to CBT, I have (hopefully) helped myself a bit. So that’s the advice: Get up and get out! 

I was pretty tearful in my CBT session yesterday – the realisation that it’s coming to an end is scaring me. Then I have to cope by myself!! I have 2 more sessions left, then I’m back home in London until September, and then the big move to Germany – eek! The fact that I won’t have A to speak to anymore is a bit scary, especially because I think the CBT is helping, but there’s still a lot that hasn’t been dealt with.

A said there are some things I am still not ready to deal with. She said in the future I will be and then I can have some counselling/therapy to help me deal with it. She said when I get back to Lancaster I can get re-referred if I need to.

A gave me another CD with some guided mindfulness meditations on it. There is one called Mindful sitting practise and one called 3 minute breathing space. I’ll write about these sometime this week when I’ve done them a few times.

We talked about the way the mind works (according to CBT.) We have the situation or event and the emotion/feeling, but inbetween there is the thought which triggers the emotion. So I am working on spotting the thoughts and seeing – is this a fact or a thought? This is of course easier said than done, but it’s work in progress.

We talked about my insecurity and constant fear about S leaving me. This is rational to some extent because my previous experience (with the ex) has shown me that people can leave me. However, this does not mean everyone will leave me, and it does not mean I am not good enough (which is the thought that goes with the event: ex leaving me and the feeling: depressed/lonely/scared.)

A has asked me to write down how I am feeling each half day, and more importantly the negative thoughts that come with the feelings. Then I can look at them and say – fact or thought? Do I have any evidence of this? The chances are, probably not!

The other thing I am meant to look at this week are when I have these thoughts that S is going to leave me. We have established that seeking reassurance doesn’t really help… it may help for a brief moment, but soon afterwards, the thoughts will be back. And I know they must be irritating for S, to constantly reassure me that he’s not going anywhere, he’s not going to hurt me, and yes he does love me. So the aim here is to identify these thoughts and look at them without engaging with them. Using mindfulness, the idea is to see the thoughts as thoughts (and not facts), not engage with them, and ignore them. But baby steps – this week I’ve just got to identify them as early as possible.

A used the analogy of the “thought train”… so once the thought comes into mind, it starts a trail of destruction, with each thought encouraging the next, until I’m in a massive negative spiral and I truly believe that S is going to leave me because I’m just not good enough. So instead of this, I should try to identify the thoughts early and get off the thought train. Another analogy was “putting on the same DVD”, so once you have had the thought (put the DVD on), the same thing happens (the same DVD plays) and it results in the same behaviour and feelings each time. So instead of letting the same thing play out each time, it is better to catch the thought early, and throw away that DVD 😉

Anyway, enough about DVDs and trains… me thinks this is more progress.

Oh – and A said she thinks if I use the mindfulness stuff we are learning and use the book I have bought (The Mindful Way Through Depression), I will be ok in Germany without any therapy. I hope she’s right! But I have my blog too, which I think is therapy in itself!

So many tears

Warning: This post makes little or no sense, it’s just me streaming my thoughts into typing, to try and let it out and make sense of it. (Afterwards: And it still doesn’t make sense.)

The last couples of weeks I have been so emotional. In fact it’s getting on for a month now… Before that things seemed to be improving a lot but these days I just seem to be on the edge of tears constantly.

I’m crying because I’m scared, I’m sad, I’m worried… you name it, I’ll cry about it.

I know it must be difficult for S to deal with. I can tell I’m being insecure, irrational, and I’m overreacting a lot, but I can’t seem to stop it. One little thing and I’m off again, wailing like a child.

I’ve always been a “cry baby”. I always remember being that kid at school that cries about everything. I don’t know why, just really over-sensitive?

I wish I could turn all of my emotions down. They are all too extreme. Especially the sad/crying emotions. It makes me angry that I am so pathetic, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop crying?

And the more I cry, the more I worry that I’m being difficult, and the more I worry that S is going to get bored of this and leave me. And then I’m scared and ridiculously insecure so I end up being really clingy and then he will get a bit annoyed and I’ll cry (again). He must have the tolerance of a saint to put up with me. I am constantly twisting everything he says and taking things the wrong way – always in the most negative way possible. I am always seeing the worst in myself and blaming myself for everything and I know it must be tiring to have to constantly reassure someone that you’re not going to leave them. If anything, me going on like this probably makes him more likely to leave me…

I’m stuck in a rut and I’m not sure how to get myself out of this one. It’s very difficult to carry on as normal when I’m this emotional. I just want to hide in bed all the time (which is not acceptable.)

At least tomorrow I can have a bit of a lie in. And I have CBT in the afternoon so I can speak to A about this.

I just need to calm down and get a decent night’s sleep and maybe things will look better in the morning? So sick of being constantly on edge and worrying about everything. And all this crying has made me dehydrated so hello migraine (again). It’s all just going round in circles and I know I’m not helping myself. I feel like I have no control and I’m not sure how to fix all of this.

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

P.S. Forgot to mention… it probably doesn’t help that today is the 13th June. If the ex and I were still together we would have been together for 5 years. And even though we split up over 2 years ago, that thought fills me with dread. Instead of being glad I’m away from him, I torment myself with questions of why I stayed with him, and images of what if he hadn’t left me… I’d probably still be with him being used and abused. (I know this shouldn’t matter, but maybe it still does. But just to clarify – not in a “I-want-him-back” kind of way, not at all!!)

Come here – Go away

**Trigger warning – self harm thoughts**

A lovely blogger, Zoe, has been writing posts on the topic of boundaries this week, and having read them, I realised I have a lot of issues around this area.

One of the posts was on the difference between healthy and defensive boundaries. The bit that seems to be most relevant to me (at the moment anyway) is Split off boundaries. In particular, this bit:

  • Relationships are threatening both abandonment and invasion wise

  • It manifests as ‘come here, go away,’ indicating both a need for distance and closeness.

I realised that this is a MASSIVE problem for me. My boyfriend, S, has to put up with this all the time and it must be difficult for him (and confusing.) I seem to be sending mixed messages all the time – come here and go away. I’m so scared of being left/abandoned and I want him to be there for me (that’s the “come here” part) and at the same time I’m scared to be close because I don’t like relying on him (because he could leave me) so when I get scared I end up pushing him away (“go away” part.)

It’s very strange, but these things happen very naturally and I feel like I don’t have much control. For example I am terrified, and I mean TERRIFIED, that he’s going to find someone else and cheat on me/leave me for someone else (like the ex did.) I know it’s irrational, I know he wouldn’t hurt me like that. And more embarrassingly, I am terrified that he’s going to realise that one of our mutual friends (Sheep) is effectively a better version of me. We are very similar in personality, except she doesn’t have all of these “issues”, and she’s thinner than me… They went to the pub together last night and S didn’t bother to text me after work. He always rings me after work, but yesterday not even a text. And I’m so paranoid and jealous, and I don’t know why. Sheep is one of my best friends and I know that (even if S turned out to be a cheating idiot) she wouldn’t do that to me. And yet I worked myself up about it.

And so when I spoke to S last night (after I had had a couple of cocktails – probably a bad move) I was upset that he didn’t bother to text me. We ended up arguing about it, and as usual I created a massive negative spiral… You didn’t text me, that means you don’t care, you don’t love me, you’d rather be with Sheep anyway… I’m not good enough, you’re going to leave me… and on and on. And I told him I don’t want to be with him anymore. That’s not true, I just got scared. I wanted to leave before he left me, I can’t go through being left like that again.

It’s scary being with someone, letting them in. Because S could tear my world apart (if he wanted to.) He knows pretty much everything about me. I rely on him a lot too much and I hate myself for it. I feel like I need him. And I need constant reassurance because I don’t think I’m good enough. I don’t think I deserve to be loved. And it’s all scary because I could get hurt again. And I don’t think I could go through it all again.

Things have definitely gone downhill in the last few weeks. I think since around my birthday, I’ve become really scared, paranoid, jealous, clingy… everything I don’t want to be. And I can’t seem to stop. Even if I don’t say these things I go mad in my head thinking about them. Last night I had such a massive urge to hurt myself. And when I was walking home I thought about if someone came and killed me, it would be so much easier, and then it wouldn’t be my fault. I didn’t do anything but the thoughts were there, and they were strong. I haven’t been thinking like that recently so I definitely think this is a sign of things getting worse.

I don’t know how to control all of this. Come here, go away. I love you, I hate you. I want to be with you, I don’t want to be with you… It’s all a mess. And sooner or later he is actually going to get sick of it, and then I will be on my own.

Why can’t you get this into your thick skull Ellie?? He loves you that’s why he’s with you. That’s why he’s still there after nearly a year and a half. And he always tries to help, even when you’re acting irrationally. Why do you have to push away someone that really cares? Why can’t you be rational? Why can’t you be happy, you have everything.

You may have noticed my head is a bit all over the place at the moment. I don’t quite know why. But I’m going home today, just until Monday. S is meeting me at the station and I know I need to talk to him. I just don’t know what to say anymore, I’m so broken. I just want to feel safe.

Tear-free CBT

That’s right people, I got through a whole session of CBT without crying today! There were a couple of moments where tears weren’t far away but no crying today. Not that it’s a bad thing to cry in therapy, but it’s exhausting. Today was definitely easier than the last session, but I guess that’s because what we talked about wasn’t as painful today.

We spoke about how I have grown up, and why I have always felt this need to do everything perfectly.

My mum had to work and work to prove she was good enough. When she was at school she wanted to be a teacher, from the age of about 11. She did her O levels and A levels, and had to retake some, and she was told she’d never become a teacher. But she did it, she got her grades, went to college and became a P.E teacher. It’s so sad that the thing she wanted to do for so long became one of the things that made her ill. And now she lacks the confidence to teach again, doesn’t want to go back there. My dad is a very hard worker too. He always gives everything 100%. He is the person who gets into work early and leaves late. And so you see my parents have both been very successful and they want the same for my brother and I, and that’s why they always try to push us to do our best. Unfortunately in my case, with a mixture of family pressure and going to a school where everyone is very bright (like a grammar school), I ended up feeling that I will never ever be good enough.

And I also realised that maybe part of it is that I’m trying to prove that I’m good enough, trying to prove that going to college wasn’t a bad idea. I left my school at 16, much to the dismay of my parents, and went to a college to do my A levels instead of the school 6th form. But I did it, I got my grades. I went to uni, I finished my first year with a first… Maybe I feel like if I get a first I’m proving that college was a good thing, that I wouldn’t have been better off going to my school’s 6th form. But the thing is, it’s done now anyway. Maybe I would’ve done better at 6th form, maybe I would’ve done worse, or maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference. We can never find out.

We also talked about mindfulness. A says that I am getting much better at identifying the negative thoughts as they happen, but now we need to focus on the here and now – ignoring the past and future, so that I can react in a suitable way to these negative thoughts.

I explained the cycle I spoke about in my previous post. How S said something as a joke which made me paranoid, then the paranoia made me scared he was going to leave me, then I realised I was overreacting, so I was scared he was going to leave because I worry so much… And on and on and on.

As we are coming to the end of the CBT sessions, A said it would be good to do some work on mindfulness, and that is something I can use after my sessions have finished, to help me.

According to Wikipedia*, mindfulness is the focusing of attention and awareness, based of the concept of mindfulness in Buddhist meditation. It says mindfulness can be useful in the treatment of pain, stress, anxiety, depressive relapse, disordered eating and addiction.

It appears, from the definitions to involve bringing attention and awareness to the present moment where thoughts/feelings etc. are acknowledged and accepted.

A handed me a pen and asked me to look at it while she talked about it, asking questions (which aren’t to be answered.) What does it look like? Are there any marks on it? What about writing? Does the nib have any ink on it, or any marks?

At one point she asked me to hold the pen by my ear and listen to it when shaking it. At this point I thought “well, this is a bit weird!!” A said that is an example of when your mind wanders and thoughts go to other things rather than focusing on the pen (in this case).

This week’s homework is to do the “bodyscan” each day which is a guided mindfulness practise, involving listening to a CD (Kind of like meditation I think). I’ll be writing about that as I go along too!

So today’s session was quite helpful I think. I’ve made some realisations about my perfectionism and where it comes from. And I’m starting to accept that it’s ok not to do everything perfectly (because in most cases perfection doesn’t exist.) We also talked about my little experiment from last week – actively giving 80% (rather than 100%) to see what happened. You might remember, I did it when climbing. I decided that instead of pushing myself hard to finish the route, I would just come down and try another time, and the world didn’t end 😉 (In case you were wondering!) A said she thinks the key to all of the stuff with the ex is anger, and that when I am ready to access all of the feelings, I will be able to feel this anger that’s been locked away for so long. It also explains my anger outburts, which are almost always disproportionate to the thing I am actually angry about. (Like when I went completely crazy shouting at my housemates over the bins situation… but it wasn’t actually about the bins, it was about everything that has made me angry ever!) Anyway, progress is definitely a good thing, so I’ll let you all know how I get on with the mindfulness this week!

*obviously the source of all knowledge!

Crying again

I’m so emotional at the moment. I seem to cry at everything. Happy or sad. All of the emotions are just very strong at the moment.

Ever since the night before my birthday, finding out that the ex is having a baby with his new girlfriend, I’ve been really unsettled.

And then there was more revision and an exam to do, my concentration was terrible again and I felt like a lot of the progress had just disappeared.

This week’s CBT was really hard and involved a lot of crying.

And then today I don’t know why but I got so upset. I started thinking I don’t want to go to Germany, that I can’t do it, that I’m not good enough. How am I going to stand up in front of a class and teach when I can’t talk in front of people, and my German is terrible. I’m just so worried.

I’m really doubting myself again at the moment and hating myself (again). I am getting paranoid about S leaving me, even though I have no reason to. I’m questioning everything and I just don’t feel strong enough to deal with everything that’s going on. I would quite like to hibernate for a while until I feel strong again, but life doesn’t have time for that.

It’s horrible when things have been so much better recently and then things feel worse again.

Well at least tomorrow should be a good day. I am going to Manchester to shop with footballer and another friend. I am feeling a bit anxious though, because it will probably be busy. And there’s a load of upset in the house because of next year’s housing situation which got all complicated so I hope that won’t ruin the day. Footballer thinks she doesn’t have any friends here and no one cares about her but that’s just not true. I wish she could see that. (Yes, I know… massive hypocrite!)

But to end this post on a happier note, I would like to show you the most recent thing to make me cry. And yes, I’ll admit that I’m pathetic crying at Britain’s got talent, but for some reason I found this video very moving! (If you watch to the end you might see what I mean!)

I’m quite interested to see what they are going to do tomorrow in the semi-final!

CBT and climbing

Today’s CBT was difficult. Really difficult. I’m going to write another post about the difficult bit (probably will use a password again for that post.) I cried for literally nearly the whole hour. I think we ran over a bit too, too much crying (oops).

My homework for next week (Monday!) is to do some “experiments” on myself. I have to consciously aim to give something 75 or 80% (instead of 100%) and see what happens. What I expect I will feel, and then what I actually feel afterwards.

But I couldn’t understand the concept really. She said about giving 75%, and I was confused. I said, I don’t get it… why would anyone ever not try their best? What’s the point in doing something if it’s not to the best of your ability? Surely you should always aim to get as close to 100% as possible? I think I was missing the point entirely. She just wants me to try it, to prove that the world isn’t going to end, that it doesn’t make me a failure.

Well, I’ll give it a go anyway.

And then I went climbing after my CBT session. Today was quite a nice day, so I had a nice walk through the park and down to the bus stop to get the bus to uni (where the climbing wall is).

I met my climbing partner (owl) there and we went bouldering for a bit. My hands are falling to pieces, literally. S says it’s because I have soft hands so they get damaged easily. I ended up with a painful bit of skin peeling off one hand (sorry for too much info!) and had to put a plaster on it. I’m hoping in time my hands will become more resistant, because at the moment everytime I climb I end up tearing my hands to shreds! My head of year for Psychology was there (climbing too) and he helped me with one of the routes I had been stuck on for a while, so that was good.

And then we put our harnesses on and started roped climbing. We decided to do an easyish route to start with, but I was really struggling. I felt really weak and quite anxious. I managed to do it though, and then Owl climbed the same route (in less than half the time!)

Then we moved onto another one that was a bit harder. I’ve done it before so I know I can physically do it. But half way up I just started feeling really funny. Really anxious and shaky and emotional. And keeping my CBT in mind, I asked to come down. I didn’t push myself to finish it because I was feeling weird. Maybe if I had given it 100% I could’ve finished it anyway, but today I didn’t, and giving it 75%, I couldn’t do it today. I needed to get down.

I think climbing straight after CBT was definitely a mistake and I won’t do it again in future. Especially with today’s session being really emotional, I think it was all too much. I didn’t have the mental capacity to concentrate and push myself on climbing, and it had brought the anxiety levels up so I didn’t trust myself to try moves I probably could have done (on the bouldering) and couldn’t get myself to climb routes that I’ve done before.

So maybe even though I could consider today’s climbing as a bit of a failure, it was actually a good thing. I let myself off instead of pushing myself too hard. And this evening I went out for dinner with friends and then watched TV with housemates and it was nice. I had a good evening and I enjoyed myself, and it doesn’t matter that I didn’t climb much today because I don’t need to get everything right 100% of the time… how’s that for progress A? 😛

And now it’s very late, so definitely time for some sleep!

Good night,

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx