Trigger warning maybe – suicidal thoughts and all that stuff
My moods are ridiculous. I want them to be normal, if such a thing exists.
If I “only” have depression, then why are my moods up and down? I don’t have a medium, I don’t have a normal “okay” level in my moods, it’s just up or down. Usually down to be honest, but that’s probably to be expected.. you’re depressed you silly elephant!!
I have written about this before (I think) and have spent countless hours searching the internet* for information which may enlighten me on this subject, but no luck yet. Here I am, again, writing about how I don’t understand my moods.
I woke up this morning disappointed. Disappointed that I had woken up. It is the first time in a few days that I have woken up thinking “I wish I was dead.” Until a few days ago, I would tell you that I have this thought practically every morning, but suddenly these thoughts were gone (not saying this is a bad thing by the way!!) and I felt optimistic, I had a feeling things were going to get better and I was going to feel well again.
Right now I feel like staying in my room all night, then all day and not seeing anyone. I want to hide in my warm comfy bed** and not come out. At the moment I do not feel like eating, even when hungry, I go to the kitchen and nothing seems appealing. Except chocolate, that’s always appealing, but anyway, back to the point…
Then there’s the other moods… I feel that everything is going to turn out well, even if I have no evidence for this. For example, sometimes I feel that I will definitely become a clinical psychologist, I will get a 1st in my degree and I will get a place on a clinical psychology doctorate (despite the fact that there are only about 500 places a year in the UK, and only about 20ish% of applicants are successful) because I can and I’m better than others. That is irrational, and probably expecting too much of myself. I feel like I want to do everything – my mind fills with all these ideas of things I want to accomplish, and I want to do it all – right now! I take on extra stuff, I clean stuff*** and my mind is all over the place.
Sometimes I make decisions on a whim. For most people this wouldn’t be unusual, but I am known for being ridiculously indecisive… I have issues choosing which drink to order at a bar or what food to order at a restaurant, so you can only imagine how long I umed and arred over important things like university courses! I wanted to do English at uni, then one day I just decided nope – I’ll do psychology. I got to Lancaster, wanting to do Creative writing as my minor subject, couldn’t do it, so just suddenly thought – oh I know, I’ll do German. Then somehow, after my first year, I had ended up going from being a Bsc Psychology student to a Ba German studies and Psychology student…I still can’t tell you why this has happened, but it was one of those “why not” decisions…
I cannot concentrate. Reading a book is difficult, which is unusual because I’m generally a fast reader, but I end up reading the same thing over and over. I can’t stay still, I have to be doing something. I get the urge to exercise too, which is probably a good thing except that it’s never a convenient time. It’ll be about 3am and I’ll suddenly feel like going for a run…what is going on in this elephant’s mind?!
Then there’s the grumpy/irritable mood. I get so angry sometimes. Over nothing usually. I feel sorry for my boyfriend as he seems to get most of this, I’ll be completely fine**** and then I’ll start stressing and getting wound up over stupid things. I’ll get irrationally angry over something, like if he does something which is different to the way I’d have done it, I get irritable. I get in a mood over nothing, if he’s texting on his phone for example, I’ll suddenly get the urge to grab his phone and throw it out of the window! (I don’t though – you’ll be pleased to know!) In fact, boyfriend doesn’t know this but I did once throw ex’s phone out of the window when I was (probably irrationally) angry about something. I am generally an understanding and caring person, but when the irritable mood appears, I get wound up by other people incredibly easily. For example today one of my friends was being really negative about being fresher reps, and worrying about it, and I was getting wound up… I just wanted to shout at her, and tell her to SHUT THE HELL UP. I wanted to go off on a rant about how she is always so bloody negative and worries over stupid things!***** I wanted to tell her to stop acting like she has it so hard, because I know for a fact that she’s never had to deal with suicidal thoughts or anything of the sort. She has it so good, I wanted to tell her, she needs to shut up and enjoy life instead of bloody moaning all the time!!!! Thankfully, I did not unleash this rant upon my friend. It would’ve had bad consequences, as she is actually my best friend at uni, who I am living with, being a fresher rep with and get on really well with. That’s the thing, my thoughts were irrational here… she wasn’t complaining about her life, she was just worrying about being a freshers rep, and somehow my brain got VERY ANGRY with her when she hadn’t actually done anything wrong.
This has turned into another ranty post – sorry about that! It was not the original plan, but ho hum, it’s what my brain came up with. I’m trying to empty my brain so I can get to sleep, as it tends to fill itself with millions of different thoughts, just when I try to sleep!
I don’t think I’m bipolar, however I do think there is something else as well or combined with the depression. I don’t think these mood swings are “normal” but so far I haven’t managed to find out what it could be, and doctors don’t seem to be bothered about it, which makes it all the more confusing!
Urgh. I can’t think straight!!
Maybe I’ve just gone mad!
*I know the internet is not a valid source of medical knowledge, however it does have a lot of information about symptoms, diagnoses etc. But don’t worry, I do not take what the internet tells me as gospel! 😛
**This is a lie…my bed is very uncomfortable at the moment, I need a new mattress. I have told the landlord this, so hopefully soon I’ll get a comfy mattress!
***This is unusual – I’m a messy person so going on a cleaning spree is definitely out of the ordinary!
****Fine here means my “normal” behaviour.
***** Oh my God…I’m literally describing myself here (worrying, negativity..) I’m such a hypocritical bitch