New things

Too many new things can be overwhelming. I am visiting a friend at her uni this weekend. We went shopping and for lunch and it was really nice.

Then we went to one of her friends for drinks. They all knew each other (obviously) and I only knew my friend. This was a bit difficult, but I could cope and settled down a bit when I got talking with some of the others.

We played some card games. I realised I get irrationally stressed by these things… Maybe it’s like A says, I have this need to do everything perfectly – including playing card games apparently. We played a game called “cheat”, which involves putting down cards and saying what they are (you can either tell the truth or lie) and if someone thinks you are lying they say “cheat”, and if you are lying you take the cards, and if not they take the cards. It’s a fun game, but I find it difficult. I realised I feel genuinely guilty when I lie (even in this game) and so I struggle to do it. The other thing is that I’m terrible at lying – you can always tell if I’m lying. I look guilty.

After that we went back to my friends house where there was (is) a house party going on. There was loud music and lots of people (who I obviously didn’t know). They all seemed really nice and I had some good conversations but I felt pretty anxious and on edge for most of the evening. (Especially as the alcohol started wearing off).New people, new place, loud music… Not a good combo.

So now I’ve gone to bed and I hope my friend isn’t annoyed. I am tired but needed to get away.

I can hear my critical inner voice: “they all think you’re boring”, “monkey will be annoyed with you”, etc etc

Time for sleep, good night xxx

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When things go right & CBT

Things seem to be going right at the moment (not to jinx this!)

Today has been pretty productive:

For my psychology dissertation I am using a computer program to make the experiment (a dot that moves, pictures that come up, and it records reaction time etc.) So today’s first victory was making a dot move across a screen (no, I’m not joking!) It’s not quite right in terms of timing yet, but there’s a dot and it moves so I’m half way there with that bit!

I also had an email back today from my project supervisor, and he has only made a few suggestions for changes on my ethics proposal, meaning that with any luck I will be able to finish it and hand it in early next week (ahead of the deadline on Friday.)

I also had a response back from my old school about doing my research there, using the pupils as research participants, and they said yes!

I also rang work (I will be starting work again once I’m home for summer) and sorted out some hours, and they’ve said I can have a few days off in mid-July so it turns out I probably will get to go away with S afterall! 🙂

This week I have also heard back from my school in Germany and my mentor teacher seems lovely. And she’s sorted out somewhere for me to live for the first few weeks of my stay in Germany, so I will be able to find somewhere for the rest of the year when I get there!

More good news on the Germany front – apparently if you register at a university you can get a card that gives you free travel (bus, tram and train) around the region… this sounds amazing!!

And today was also my CBT. We talked about the progress I’ve made this week – about going out last Friday and Saturday and that I managed to think mindfully that I was safe, and in doing so actually enjoyed my nights! We also spoke about these negative thoughts, the next thing to do is to try and stop them when I identify them. At the moment I seem to have a negative thought (now I become aware of it) but then it turns into a negative spiral and I end up feeling really low, paranoid, sad, lonely (insert other negative emotions here!) SO as I become more aware of these thoughts, hopefully I will start to be able to look at the thought, accept it, but stop it (because it is a thought and not a fact!) and thus not “Put the same DVD on”/”Get on the negative thought train”/go into a massive negative spiral. It sounds so easy when it’s put like this, but in reality it really isn’t. BUT I am determined to continue to make progress even after my CBT is finished.* I have bought a book and CD about mindfulness, (but silly Ellie sent it to London instead of Lancaster so I don’t have it yet) so I will write about that when I get home and start using it. Apparently the book has a mindfulness program that you can follow (I think A said 8 weeks?) so that should be interesting (and hopefully helpful!)

On my way home from CBT, I bought a card and a box of maltesers for my friend (pres**) as it’s her birthday tonight, and I am going to her house later for predrinks (jelly shots? Yes please!) and then out to a bar/pub and our student club. BUT I am being nice to me (yes, really!) and I am saying that I will go to predrinks and the bar/pub but I might not go to the club if I don’t feel like it. I am very tired and have had a lot going on this week, so I will see how I feel later. Quite proud of this development – compromise: I am still not letting down my friend (because I do want to celebrate her birthday with her) but I am not forcing myself to go “out out” if I don’t feel like it later. 

Final good news for today was that I rang a Mental Health Centre where I am going to be doing some volunteering over the summer. Originally they had asked me to do Fridays (as it’s their busiest day) but unfortunately work said they can’t give me Fridays off (because it’s a busy day!) so I was worried about what they would say when I said I can’t do Fridays anymore. But the man (who I met in the easter holidays) was lovely, remembered me, and said it’s fine to do Thursdays. In fact he said Thursdays are the nicest day to be there, so that’s exciting! I will be volunteering at a mental health drop-in centre where people can come and chat, have some tea, do different activities etc., and Thursday is the women only drop-in.

Oh yes, and another good thing! Tomorrow I am off to Warwick to visit one of my best friends – Monkey. That will be great as I haven’t seen her since easter, and Leamington Spa is a really nice place as well!

So I probably won’t be back (on WP) until Monday as I’ll be in Warwick and socialising rather than blogging, but this afternoon’s plan involves a nap and catching up on reading blogs before I go out!

Lots of love,

(from a pretty positive) Ellie xxx

*Next week is the last session with A! Arghhh!

**Not sure if I have mentioned her before. She is called “Pres” as she is the new president of one of the societies at uni.

One of those days

It’s been one of those days – unproductive, tiring and frustrating.

Today was a revision day. I have an exam on Tuesday and Wednesday. These 2 exams contain the most content out of all of my exams this year, and well done uni…they are on consecutive days.

This morning wasn’t too bad – got through a lot of statistics and I now have notes for all of that module – And better than that, I even understand most of it. The stats exam is on Wednesday. 

Then this afternoon it was onto social psychology. I find that module really interesting, and it was a lent term module so it wasn’t learned that long ago, I thought that would make revision ok, but I was wrong. Owl (friend from uni) came over and we were working together all afternoon and evening. She arrived at about 2:15 and didn’t leave until 9:15, we had about an hour break for dinner and were working solidly except that. But… we only got through one lecture. In 6 hours. So unproductive. My brain hurts, I don’t understand any of it and my concentration levels are shocking. 

Maybe I tried to do too much in one day. But that’s the only option. Today was one of those afternoons when you stop, put your hands up and say – right, it’s not working, I’ll write today off and try again tomorrow. But you can’t do that when the exam is the day after tomorrow. There is no more time. 

So now I’m stressed. STILL don’t know anything about social psychology and I have to learn the rest of the module tomorrow. Plus they want extra reading to include in the essay… are they crazy?! 

The stress is all building up and now I have a headache. I’m starting to panic and I don’t know any way round this. Tomorrow HAS to be a productive day, I have no choice. But the more pressure there is the more stressed I will be.

I need to calm down but I can’t. I really wanted to do well on this exam, I thought it was my best chance at a decent grade in these exams (except stats) and now I guess I’ll be lucky to scape a pass.

But to me there’s no point in passing a module if it’s not a 2:1 or first. A 2:2 or third is no good to me, so it may as well be a fail*.

I know I’m stressing myself out more by worrying, but that’s what Ellies do best – worry.

So I’m giving up for tonight. I want to give up entirely, but I can’t. I feel like in everything I do I have to do well, I have to prove I’m not a failure. I don’t know who I’m proving it to. Is it to the ex who made me feel like I’m not good enough? Is it to my parents who always push me to do well? Is it to S to prove I’m not nothing? Or is it to myself? because I see myself as a failure and all I’ve ever had to prove myself wrong on that is academic success.

Causal bit of self analysis there…

Anyway, I’m going to sleep and hoping to wake up with a bright and attentive brain, ready to learn all of the information in the world**.

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

*I know this is not actually true, blame my perfectionist tendencies. And what I really mean by this is that I can’t go into clinical psychology with less than a (high) 2:1.

**I feel this is only a minor exaggeration.

Today was a good day

Today was actually quite a good day.

I don’t want to jinx anything by saying that, but maybe, just maybe, things are looking up.

I’ve now been on lofepramine for about 3 weeks, which is about the amount of time it should take to start kicking in. And I’ve been going to CBT sessions for a few weeks now. We haven’t got very far yet, but I’ve only had 4 sessions, and we are beginning to deal with the major issues already.

Today I didn’t have a CBT session, even though it’s Monday. I think A has children, and has the week off because it’s half term, but I don’t know for sure. My next session will be next Monday instead, so I’ve had a week off. It meant that I could have a lie in this morning, so instead of leaving the house at about 8:20, I didn’t have to leave until 10:25!

Uni was alright today; I only had 2 German seminars. We were learning about German music, and phrases to say in an argument/debate. I also learnt a couple of idioms which is great because I love German idioms! 🙂

Then I actually did some work! I did my seminar reading for social psychology – and the seminar isn’t until Thursday! (This is definitely a first!) and I started my online statistics assessment which isn’t due until Friday!

I had a meeting with one of the lecturers about helping with some research, and there’s a few different projects so I get to give a preference for which I’d like to help with. I think they all sounded interesting so I would be happy to help with any of them! They are only expecting us to do about 1 hour a week, and then I can have “research assistant” on my CV! That will be really useful in the future I think!

After I got home from uni I skyped Sheep who is in Germany, and we had a nice long chat! She was very excited when I told her that S and I got back together! (She knows him too!) I am really looking forward to my holiday to Germany just after Easter! I am going to stay with Sheep for a few days and we are going to do some exploring, and lots of German things!

All in all, today was a good day! I am completely exhausted now, and I haven’t done everything I should’ve done, BUT I have done more than I normally would do, and today has been pretty anxiety-free!

It’s only 20 past 9, but I’m planning to watch eastenders, make a plan of what I’m going to do tomorrow and then get a nice early night!

I hope today has been a good day for everyone else too!

And just before I finish this post, I’m going to leave you with the picture which is now on the wall next to my desk! Guaranteed to make me smile! – I hope you like her!

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

Image

It’s sunny!

It’s sunny in Lancaster*, and it’s sunny in my mind**. Today there is hope.

I’m not saying I magically feel better, or even that I do feel dramatically better, but today I feel like there is hope for the future.

There is hope because I have started my CBT. There is hope because I’m trying a new medication. There is hope because at the end of the month I will see the psychiatrist. And there is hope because for the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to something.

Last night I booked some flights to Germany for during the Easter holidays. I will be going to stay with Sheep who is doing her year abroad this year! I am excited to visit the place where she is so happy, to see the sights of a part of Germany I haven’t been to before, and to spend time with one of my best friends on holiday!

Let’s hope this enthusiasm stays!

There is hope. We will all get through this!

*If you’ve ever been to Lancaster, you’ll know how unusual this is!

**And if you know me, you’ll know how unusual this is too!

Daily Prompt: 32 Flavours*

I’m going to write about ice cream. That’s a weird thing to write about but I saw today’s daily prompt, and it said “Vanilla, chocolate, or something else entirely?” which unsurprisingly reminded me of ice cream!

When it comes to ice cream I am strange… I don’t like vanilla ice cream. 

Chocolate ice cream, mango, berries, strawberry, toffee, honeycomb, coconut, lemon, raspberry, jelly bear**… The list goes on of ice creams that I adore, but not plain old vanilla ice cream – no thank you.

I think it’s because it is very plain, but I have never liked vanilla ice cream.

When I was younger, I remember my mum’s friend saying that it was strange that I don’t like vanilla ice cream… I thought “That’s a bit rich coming from you, seeing as your daughter doesn’t like chocolate!!”

It’s funny how these memories stay with you… That girl (who doesn’t like chocolate) is my life-long friend. We met up the other day, and despite not seeing each other for ages before that, it was like we had never been apart. Our parents met in hospital when we were born; our birthdays are only about 3 hours apart, however we were not born on the same day!

So that’s my little story about vanilla icecream,

Lots of love,

Ellie.

P.S. Ben and Jerry’s phish food ice cream is my favourite*** ice cream ever!!! (Damn, I want some now!)

*Because I am English, so “flavour” has a “U” in it! 

** An ice cream shop near me (which has now shut down) did this ice cream, it was amazing!

**Favourite also features a “U”

Anxiety, depression and perfectionism – intertwined

Yesterday I went to see Matilda (the musical) up in London. It was great and I went with one of my best friends (Monkey) and her family, which was lovely.

But parts of it brought on anxiety. If you are not familiar with the story, it features a horrible, abusive headmistress of the school (Miss Trunchbull) and the parents of the main character (Matilda) are also horrible, selfish people.

I don’t think it was so much the storyline which brought on the anxiety, although it did bring to the surface some memories of things with the ex…

But there were several instances where there was loud sounds, flashing lights and I felt disorientated, and anxious at these times. I have noticed that sometimes when there is loud noises/lots of people/flashing lights that it brings on anxiety, although I’m not sure why.

Maybe it is because I feel disorientated and there is too much going on.. Who knows!

Another example of this was today at work. I was in one of the aisles, and it suddenly got really busy and I felt really trapped and as if everything had got louder than it really was. I have had this feeling several times at work, and always under the same circumstances (busy aisle – too many people and too much noise.)

Luckily I have been able to control it by focusing on my breathing, and in some cases I have been able to leave the aisle in question.

It is really bizarre… I did think that my main issue was depression, but it seems that anxiety is more of an issue than I thought.

I think it is very common for the two (depression and anxiety) to exist alongside each other, and they probably fuel each other as well.

Having been in this anxious state (which has definitely not been helped by my rising stress levels over different things!*) I have now bitten all my nails off, which is sad because I thought I had cracked my nail-biting habbit. Every so often, I get stressed and I end up biting them.. Grr!

So all in all, things are not great at the moment.

I had a day or so where I felt quite optimistic, and have done quite a lot of my work (but not all of it, and it’s probably rubbish anyway..) but that seems to have disappeared now, and I am back in the gloomy worry of whether I can finish this year or not. This morning I had a bit of a melt down… Spent about an hour hiding in my room in the dark, and crying, because I feel like I’m never going to get my work done (and even if I do, it won’t be good enough.)

Having read what I have written here, my perfectionism is glaringly obvious, and it seems incredibily irrational, but at the time it feels like the truth, and feels like there is no way out of this gloom. Even now, rationally, I know that this is irrational, but that doesn’t stop my brain telling me all these things… like how I am useless, a failure, and I can’t do what other people on my course can do, therefore I am not clever enough, and must be useless.

Damn perfectionism….

*Coursework for uni, worrying about going back to uni, stressing about the amount of weight I have put on, the fact my clothes are mostly too small now… etc.

Spring Awakening

**Trigger warning**

**Spoiler warning: Spring Awakening**

I went to see my friend (Mr Smith) perform in our University’s production of Spring Awakening tonight. All of the actors/actresses were fantastic, and I was shocked (in a good way) by my friend’s singing and acting skills!

I would like to say I had a great evening. I was watching it with my group of friends who I lived with last year, and it was nice to see everyone again, and Mr Smith did so well! But…

I hadn’t seen Spring Awakening before, and I hadn’t read a synopsis, so had no idea what I had let myself in for when I bought a ticket to see it. I wish I had known, because then maybe it wouldn’t have shocked me so much.

There is a scene in the play where two of the characters (Wendla and Melchior) are talking about another character (Martha) who is being abused by her father, in the form of beatings. Wendla then says she has never been beaten and asks Melchior to beat her with a switch so that she can know how it feels. Well, Melchior gets carried away with it and ends up throwing Wendla to the floor.

And this is the point where I freaked out. It was like going back in time and watching myself. It put me back in the place where the ex was there. I couldn’t help bursting into tears, which must’ve looked very strange to other members of the audience. I was on edge after that, scared, and wanted more than anything to curl up in my nice safe warm duvet.

I wondered why I had gone to see this show; clearly I can’t even do a simple thing like that without freaking out – pathetic.

Luckily the interval was not too long after that, so I managed to calm myself down and not go into complete panic (which would’ve been bad.) I did contemplate leaving, but I didn’t want to let Mr Smith down, and besides I had paid for this ticket!

Having calmed down, I got back to watching the show. It was all done really well, even though the storyline itself is quite confusing, and leaves lots of loose ends. I wonder if maybe that is the point of it though; it shows that most things in life don’t have proper closure, and in the case of Martha, the abuse is not mentioned again – so nothing happened, nothing was resolved.

By the end of the show, I was feeling pretty tired out. It was incredibly intense, and discussed so many issues, all in one play! Spring Awakening touches on the topics of: physical (child) abuse, sexual abuse, abortion, teenage pregnancy, homosexuality, rape, love and suicide. It was a hell of a lot to take in all at once!!

By the end of the show 2 of the original characters are dead, and another one is on the verge of suicide. The first death is the suicide of Moritz (played by Mr Smith), he takes a gun, puts it in his mouth and then shoots – then the lights go down. The way that Moritz was portrayed in the scene leading up to this was very realistic (in my opinion.) I could see the anger, pain and fear that he was going through – even though this was just a musical/not real!

Towards the end of the show, Wendla discovers she is pregnant and her mother is horrified, as Wendla is not married. Her mother takes her to a “doctor” who presumably carries out surgery to abort the baby. However, things don’t go to plan, and Wendla dies. When Melchior discovers her gravestone, it says “died of Anemia”, which further demonstrates that in the play, the adults only care about what other people think of them – hence why Wendla’s mother tries to get rid of the baby in the first place.

I could go on and on analysing parts of the play, but you could just go and watch it and make your own judgement. But from what I’ve said already, I think it’s safe to say that Spring Awakening is a very hard-hitting, emotional and intense show.

Do I wish I hadn’t gone? No. I’m glad I went because it was great to see Mr Smith doing something he really enjoys, and I wanted to support him. However, in future I think I might just read a Wikipedia synopsis before I go to see the next show – that way I know what is coming!

I guess the point of this post is that this was just another reminder that even though the ex is out of my life, I am still very much affected by things that happened in the past. (And confirms that counselling is probably necessary.)

Writing Prompt Challenge – 10

I’ve decided it’s time to do some more of my writing challenges! I’ve neglected them for quite a while, and I’m having a time of writers block, so I might as well use some of the prompts provided!

On a side note, in my previous post I said that I’m going to post a very important post soon. I haven’t finished it, because I don’t want it to be rushed, but it will be coming – soon!

Day 10 —What do you want to be remembered for?

Some people want to be remembered for being famous; for being a footballer, a singer, dancer, artist. I’d love to write a book, and be famous for it. Not for the money, (although that would be nice) but because I would love to be someone who inspires people. I would love for kids everywhere to read my books like J.KRowling, or even if it just made a difference to a few people. BUT, that’s still not the one thing I’d like to be remembered for.

If there’s one thing that I want people to remember me for, it would be my caring nature. I don’t always do the right thing, I’m not always there at the right time, but I do care. (Sometimes too much.)

When my granddad died (nearly 8 years ago) everyone said “George was such a nice man”, and he was. I never ever remember him being angry, and I always remember him being so kind and gentle.  I like to hope that I am at least a bit like him, I’d like people to remember me for caring, for being kind, for loving.

There’s not much I’m good at, but caring is one of the things I can do. Maybe sometimes I care too much, maybe sometimes I put myself in a worse position by caring, but I can’t help it. I never want people to feel like they have no one; I wouldn’t want it to happen to me.

I hope that I’ll qualify as a clinical Psychologist, and I’ll help loads of people with their mental illnesses, I hope I’ll make a difference. I hope I’ll write a book and it’ll make a difference. I don’t know if any of this will happen, but even if none of it does… I’ll still care.

I hope I’ll inspire people, with whatever I do. I want to make a difference to the world. I want to raise awareness of mental illness, and how the treatment needs a lot of improvement, I want people to understand that these things are ILLNESSES, and not life choices. I want to inspire people to do good with their lives, to make a difference themselves. I’m full of big ideas, and hopes of changing the world, but the chance is I won’t. But even if I affect just one person, it will be something.

I never give up on people, and sometimes that can be a flaw. It meant that I gave the ex far too many chances, but I couldn’t help it – I cared, I wanted him to change, I wanted to give him another chance (because everyone deserves a second chance.*)

And on the note of caring, as I’ve said to lots of my bloggy friends, and my readers, if you ever want someone to “talk”to, you can always send me an email, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

anxiouselephant@hotmail.com

*But probably no where near as many chances as I gave him.

Sad, Irritable, Tired, Productive, Ambitious, Fine… What am I?

Trigger warning maybe – suicidal thoughts and all that stuff

My moods are ridiculous. I want them to be normal, if such a thing exists.

If I “only” have depression, then why are my moods up and down? I don’t have a medium, I don’t have a normal “okay” level in my moods, it’s just up or down. Usually down to be honest, but that’s probably to be expected.. you’re depressed you silly elephant!!

I have written about this before (I think) and have spent countless hours searching the internet* for information which may enlighten me on this subject, but no luck yet. Here I am, again, writing about how I don’t understand my moods.

I woke up this morning disappointed. Disappointed that I had woken up. It is the first time in a few days that I have woken up thinking “I wish I was dead.” Until a few days ago, I would tell you that I have this thought practically every morning, but suddenly these thoughts were gone (not saying this is a bad thing by the way!!) and I felt optimistic, I had a feeling things were going to get better and I was going to feel well again.

Right now I feel like staying in my room all night, then all day and not seeing anyone. I want to hide in my warm comfy bed** and not come out. At the moment I do not feel like eating, even when hungry, I go to the kitchen and nothing seems appealing. Except chocolate, that’s always appealing, but anyway, back to the point…

Then there’s the other moods… I feel that everything is going to turn out well, even if I have no evidence for this. For example, sometimes I feel that I will definitely become a clinical psychologist, I will get a 1st in my degree and I will get a place on a clinical psychology doctorate (despite the fact that there are only about 500 places a year in the UK, and only about 20ish% of applicants are successful) because I can and I’m better than others. That is irrational, and probably expecting too much of myself. I feel like I want to do everything – my mind fills with all these ideas of things I want to accomplish, and I want to do it all – right now! I take on extra stuff, I clean stuff*** and my mind is all over the place.

Sometimes I make decisions on a whim. For most people this wouldn’t be unusual, but I am known for being ridiculously indecisive… I have issues choosing which drink to order at a bar or what food to order at a restaurant, so you can only imagine how long I umed and arred over important things like university courses! I wanted to do English at uni, then one day I just decided nope – I’ll do psychology. I got to Lancaster, wanting to do Creative writing as my minor subject, couldn’t do it, so just suddenly thought – oh I know, I’ll do German. Then somehow, after my first year, I had ended up going from being a Bsc Psychology student to a Ba German studies and Psychology student…I still can’t tell you why this has happened, but it was one of those “why not” decisions…

I cannot concentrate. Reading a book is difficult, which is unusual because I’m generally a fast reader, but I end up reading the same thing over and over. I can’t stay still, I have to be doing something. I get the urge to exercise too, which is probably a good thing except that it’s never a convenient time. It’ll be about 3am and I’ll suddenly feel like going for a run…what is going on in this elephant’s mind?!

Then there’s the grumpy/irritable mood. I get so angry sometimes. Over nothing usually. I feel sorry for my boyfriend as he seems to get most of this, I’ll be completely fine**** and then I’ll start stressing and getting wound up over stupid things. I’ll get irrationally angry over something, like if he does something which is different to the way I’d have done it, I get irritable. I get in a mood over nothing, if he’s texting on his phone for example, I’ll suddenly get the urge to grab his phone and throw it out of the window! (I don’t though – you’ll be pleased to know!) In fact, boyfriend doesn’t know this but I did once throw ex’s phone out of the window when I was (probably irrationally) angry about something. I am generally an understanding and caring person, but when the irritable mood appears, I get wound up by other people incredibly easily. For example today one of my friends was being really negative about being fresher reps, and worrying about it, and I was getting wound up… I just wanted to shout at her, and tell her to SHUT THE HELL UP. I wanted to go off on a rant about how she is always so bloody negative and worries over stupid things!***** I wanted to tell her to stop acting like she has it so hard, because I know for a fact that she’s never had to deal with suicidal thoughts or anything of the sort. She has it so good, I wanted to tell her, she needs to shut up and enjoy life instead of bloody moaning all the time!!!! Thankfully, I did not unleash this rant upon my friend. It would’ve had bad consequences, as she is actually my best friend at uni, who I am living with, being a fresher rep with and get on really well with. That’s the thing, my thoughts were irrational here… she wasn’t complaining about her life, she was just worrying about being a freshers rep, and somehow my brain got VERY ANGRY with her when she hadn’t actually done anything wrong.

This has turned into another ranty post – sorry about that! It was not the original plan, but ho hum, it’s what my brain came up with. I’m trying to empty my brain so I can get to sleep, as it tends to fill itself with millions of different thoughts, just when I try to sleep!

I don’t think I’m bipolar, however I do think there is something else as well or combined with the depression. I don’t think these mood swings are “normal” but so far I haven’t managed to find out what it could be, and doctors don’t seem to be bothered about it, which makes it all the more confusing!

Urgh. I can’t think straight!!

Maybe I’ve just gone mad!

 

*I know the internet is not a valid source of medical knowledge, however it does have a lot of information about symptoms, diagnoses etc. But don’t worry, I do not take what the internet tells me as gospel! 😛

**This is a lie…my bed is very uncomfortable at the moment, I need a new mattress. I have told the landlord this, so hopefully soon I’ll get a comfy mattress!

***This is unusual – I’m a messy person so going on a cleaning spree is definitely out of the ordinary!

****Fine here means my “normal” behaviour.

***** Oh my God…I’m literally describing myself here (worrying, negativity..) I’m such a hypocritical bitch :/