Run Ellie run! 

I have taken up running. I haven’t done that much running as I have been knackered recently but went for a run today. It is humid and hot but I managed just over 5km (it was 3.3 miles according to my app).

My goal is to run a half marathon to fundraise for a scout thing I am doing. I have a long way to go but happy that I can run 5km without dying now, in about 30 mins. 

Running makes me feel alive. I need to remember that feeling the next time I feel too tired and achy to run. It really does make me feel better to run, at least at the time it does. Sometimes I get the pay back afterwards and I’m knackered for days, sometimes it seems to be ok (fingers crossed this is an ok day!) 

I want to get into regular exercise for a few reasons;

1. Exercise makes you happy. It boosts the endorphins and all that jazz. 

2. I want to lose weight/ feel better about my body. Also IF i do have fibro, it will help not to have extra weight hanging around making the pain worse

3. I want to be healthier. I am also working on my water intake and trying (and often failing) to eat more healthily. I just really love chocolate and everything that’s bad for you! 

4. A sense of achievement. When I run further or quicker, when I don’t feel quite as exhausted after spin, when I can do more press ups*, these are all achievements and it makes me feel good. 

Love 

(A very sweaty) Ellie xx

* I have to confess that I probably can’t do any currently. Last time I started exercising properly I managed to be able to do about 20 ‘girly’ press ups, which isn’t many, but when I started I fell on my face after 1! 

Health 

Thought I would fill you in with my current health situation – I have some kind of fatigue problem. Also a lot of aching and pain. The doctors are investigating to try and find out what it is

Currently they are wondering if it is fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome (ME). It’s all a bit scary because I know both are chronic so unlikely to get a full recovery. 

My mum has fibromyalgia and I see a lot of the same symptoms in me. It’s scary. I feel that I am too young, but that’s not how it works. It’s indiscriminate just like depression…

My appointment at the hospital is in August. I’m glad they are finally taking me seriously. It has taken a long time to get a referral. 

Part of me wants to know what’s wrong. Part of me is scared of what the diagnosis might be. 

Just a waiting game now

. I am also suffering from a lot of migraines but that’s a separate story. I am on the 18 month waiting list for the next treatment as none of the medications have helped. 

I feel like my body is against me. I am trying to get on with my life and work on my anxiety and depression, but when I am in pain it’s hard not to feel low. 

Love

Ellie xxx

Fatigue 

Heavy limbs

Droopy eyes

Aching neck, shoulders, arms, legs, feet

Complete exhaustion

Disconnected

Pain 

Everything feels like lead, heavy and useless

So tired

Longing for glorious sleep 

But it doesn’t matter 

I wake up

One o’clock

Three o’clock

Four o’clock

And it goes on

And then I wake up and do it all again 

Struggling with my fatigue and aches at the moment. Really affecting my mood and ability to do things properly 

Let’s hope for better sleep tonight!

Love,

Ellie xx

So tired

Constantly. So tired.

It’s been like this for a long time. I can’t even remember NOT being tired. But some days I’m completely knackered, like today. An early night is needed I think.

I asked at the doctors if there’s anything they can do about constant tiredness. She said 9 times out of 10 it’s something psychological rather than physical so there’s probably not a lot they can do. She said I can have a blood test to check, but it’s unlikely that there’s a chemical/physical cause. I’ve already been checked for anaemia and I didn’t have it last time, so I doubt I’ve developed it now.

But it’s mentally draining, being tired all the time. I never feel like I’m functioning the way I could if I wasn’t tired. But no amount of sleep seems to help. I kind of expected that once I started feeling better (like I have been over the last few months), this constant tiredness would go away. But no, of course not. I want to be able to live to my full potential, instead of being a walking zombie all the time!

Oh – and don’t even get me started on the dark circles under my eyes. They are horrible. And very dark. My dad always calls it “panda eyes”, and yes I definitely do have panda eyes – no amount of concealer can hide them! I’m very self-conscious about this too, but there’s not a lot I can do except put concealer on and hope for the best.

I’ve just had a thought, and I’m fairly sure this is quite a repetitive post, I’m sure I’ve written about this before. But I’m STILL tired, so I’m writing about it again.

It’s not too bad though – at least I can sleep, even if it doesn’t stop me being tired. In the months where I couldn’t sleep properly, it was HORRIBLE. I dread to think how hard it must be for people with insomnia. The feeling of being so tired, and wanting to sleep, and not being able to is so frustrating. I can remember getting really wound up and angry with myself for not being able to sleep, but of course that only makes the problem worse because when you’re stressed, you can’t sleep. Nasty cycle.

It would be great, really really great, if I could get a good night’s sleep. And by that I mean sleeping all the way through the night, no waking up, no nightmares, no screaming, crying or any of that strange stuff. Wouldn’t it be lovely…

Pondering

What if it’s turning toxic like before?

All I hear is “you’re not good enough” and “no one wants you” but I’m the only one saying it, to myself.

All the anger is still there and it gets taken out on others. It’s not fair.

This anger has to be dealt with. But how? Turning the anger on myself just exhausts me and I still can’t let it out the right way. I’m so angry all the time. It’s got to come out somehow. But safely. Somehow…

Imagine if people had to deal with the consequences of their actions, maybe then they wouldn’t be so evil. Maybe then they’d see what they are doing.

If you say something enough times it might become true. What if that’s true. Stop pushing him away.

But he’s not safe. Never safe.

No one is safe.

I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with people either.

Feeling pretty gloomy.

 

I need to be more independent but I can’t do it. How do I do it?

After a long time of relying on people, the idea seems so crazy.

 

I want to help other people but I know I need to fix myself first.

Fix because I’m broken.

I don’t know how to be normal. I don’t know how to stop this whole thing.

There are so many things I want(ed) to do in life… now I just want to be happy.

Shame it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I’m so tired of fighting

Finally caught up!

Ellie is finally back up to date with blog reading!! I managed to get nearly 2 weeks behind at some point and I didn’t want to miss any out, so what better to do on a Friday evening than read lots of blog posts? And then I thought I haven’t posted in a while either – I really want to sort this out!

I’m approaching 2 weeks since I arrived in Germany now and things are still going reasonably well. At times I miss home, S, friends etc. and at times all the new and different things can be overwhelming, particularly trying to understand and make myself understood in German, but all in all I’m ok, things are good.

But although I am a lot better than I was months ago, I know that I still need to look after myself. So tomorrow, I am finally going to start the mindfulness book which I bought a while ago. I plan to do it everyday (or as much as I can anyway) because I really do think the mindfulness helped me when I was doing it with A.

(Although actually, having said that, I’m going away from Monday – Friday so I won’t be able to write or do my mindfulness then!)

I feel like I don’t have much to say/write anymore and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just tired from all of these early mornings, or maybe it’s because there’s so much in my head that it’s all jumbled up and I don’t know how to make sense of it all.

This is turning into a strange rambling post so it’s probably time to stop writing soon. Maybe I will try to do some creative writing over the weekend while I have time – maybe a poem or something.

I made it

So I made it to Germany.
I got up at 3:30 this morning to catch an early flight, arrived in Cologne and sat in Starbucks for a few hours until the coach arrived, and I’m now in my pyjamas at the hotel place where we are doing our training. Today has been a long and tiring day. Parts are overwhelming and my worries (as ever) are there! But I made it – took the first step.now just lots more little steps and it’ll all be fine!

Most of the other language assistants are in the bar downstairs but I’ve decided I’m far too tired and needed some time alone and more importantly, some sleep!

I’ll be catching up on everyone’s blogs as soon as I can, but just wanted to do an update.

Lots of love,
Ellie xxx

A good day

Today has been a long day, but also a good day. Today is Thursday, which is the day I do some volunteering at a day centre for people with mental illnesses. I also agreed to work this evening in the supermarket where I work so it was going to be a long day! Started at 9:30 this morning and didn’t finish until 9 this evening (other than a couple of hours between in which I had a nap!)

The volunteering went well, today we went for a picnic in the park and the ladies seemed to enjoy it (and so did I.) I am really enjoying my work there, gaining greater insight into how different mental illnesses affect different people, and just chatting to lots of different people. They are such a lovely group of ladies, and even though they all have their own stories and have been through various difficult things, they are all kind, friendly and full of life. It makes me really happy to see how they support each other and it also makes me realise I need to take a more positive approach to things sometimes.

After a lovely afternoon in the sun with sandwiches and games, I popped home for a bit for a nap and to get changed for work. Then it was off to the supermarket where I seem to spend so many hours of my life. Tonight I was on tills which I usually hate, but it wasn’t too bad. I had lots of nice customers and not many rude customers and the time went by reasonably quickly – this is the sort of shift I need more of!

I realised again today that I am feeling much more like me at the moment, like I said the other day. I have come so far from where I was, and even though things can still be hard at times, I am determined that I am not going to let things get bad again, I’m fighting this with everything I have. I’m feeling quite motivated at the moment, especially because my volunteering has reassured me about my future career hopes – I want to work in mental health, as a clinical psychologist eventually. I know it will be a long journey and it’ll be hard, and I know I need to get myself fully well before I can do it, but I am determined that I will do it! – I can and I will!

Today is one of those days where hiding

Today is one of those days where hiding under my duvet seems like the most appealing thing to do. I am tired, aching (from climbing) and feeling pretty down. And I woke up with a migraine today (again), it’s gone now but they always leave me feeling exhausted.

My last exam is tomorrow and I don’t even have the motivation to revise. Even though this is potentially the most important exam – I need to know German because I’m about to move to Germany! 

I just feel really down and empty. I want to talk to S but I can’t because he’s at work. I can’t even call my parents because they are on holiday (in my favourite place ever, might I add!) 

I just don’t feel like doing anything at all, least of all revision.

There comes a point when I’m reading through my notes and thinking why the hell didn’t I try and learn this as I went along?! I think that’s a common thing for a student to think, we all do it every year, and every year we say “next year I’ll learn it as I go along”, and then next year comes along and we do the same thing again…

But with a language it’s important to learn as you go along. There’s no point in trying to learn a year’s worth of vocab and grammar now… that’s just not going to happen. All I can do now is hope that I know more than I think I know, and that somehow it will come back to me in the exam. It’s times like this that I question why the hell I am studying a language at university, and it’s times likes this when I realise how little work I did this year, and how terrible I felt for most of the year (which meant I did probably less than the bare minimum.)

Now I really must get back to revision, and cram some more information into my tired brain.

(Sorry about the repetitive moaning about revision – Tomorrow evening I will have finished exams so you won’t have to read my moaning about revision for quite a while!)

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx 

Quiet and alone

For the first time since I got back to uni after easter, tonight I am alone in the house. Mr Map and Shopaholic have both gone home (they’ve already finished exams!) and Footballer is out with her boyfriend. She did invite me but I didn’t fancy being the 5th wheel (they are meeting up with another couple) and I kind of wanted a quiet night in.

I planned to revise statistics. I’ve done a little bit, not a lot. I’ve caught up on blogs and done some thinking. It seems so quiet being alone… That sounds so obvious but I mean quiet in terms of feelings too.

I feel kind of dull but emotional at the same time. A video I saw on someone else’s blog brought me to tears earlier, and it’s not even a sad video – more happy! And earlier today I was waiting for S to call on his break at work and I missed it (my phone was on silent since the exam) and I just burst into tears. The emotions are close to the surface, or the tears are at least. I feel kind of empty, dull… like everything isn’t real.

I’m going to get an early night because I have to hit the stats revision hard tomorrow. It’s odd when you spend hours cramming all of this information into your brain, try to recall it in a logical manner for 2 and a half hours (in the exam) and then try to forget it so you can learn the next lot. That’s the problem with exams, they don’t really test your understanding, it’s more about your memory. Except the essay, but then you need extra reading, and you’ve got to remember that so it’s still memory.

This has turned into quite a ramble, but I think it’s time for bed now. 

This time next week it will be my birthday and S will be here. That is what is getting me through this week, this revision, these exams. I can’t believe how much I miss him, just want him to hold me so I can feel safe. That’s what I was going to write a post on earlier, a list of things to look forward to, there are a lot – some a few days away, others months or years, maybe tomorrow I’ll write it – something to read over when things feel bad. 

It’s kind of peaceful, maybe this was what I needed tonight.

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx