Be me

There are so many things that I want to do and be,
But more than any of them, I just want to be me.

I wish for a day when I could look at myself in a mirror
Without wishing I was different – taller, thinner,

Perfectionism is so tiring, I want to stop and rest,
But I won’t allow myself; I have to do my best.

I wish for a day when my best is good enough for me,
Perfection isn’t necessary, one day I will see,
If that day arrived I finally would be free,
And then I could truly let myself be me.

That sinking feeling

I’m getting that sinking feeling,

Not yet, please not yet,

I haven’t finished enjoying the world,

I haven’t finished participating,

I haven’t finished feeling like I can do this,

I haven’t taken it all in.

~    ~    ~

I’m getting that sinking feeling,

The one where everything feels unstable,

Like I’m dangling from a cliff,

And the rope is about to snap,

Then I’ll fall down,

down,

down.

down,

down…

~    ~    ~

I’m getting that sinking feeling,

But I’m not done with smiling,

I’m not done with feeling good,

Give me more time, I’m begging you,

I don’t want to fall,

Not again,

~    ~   ~

Because what if I can’t get up again?

Life is a rollercoaster

Life is a rollercoaster,

Ups and downs,

Round and round,

Going up side down,

Loop the loops,

Up and down,

Up and down,

Life is a rollercoaster,

But I just want to get off.

~ ~ ~

After several days of feeling “up”, the down appears to have hit me again. I hate that feeling, it’s always worse when it comes after an up – the fall is further.

I want to curl up in a ball and go back to bed. But I’m too busy, there’s too much to do. I feel like crying, but I can’t, I need to be strong. I need to be okay.

I’m sick of these stupid mood swings. Up and down, up and down. I just want normal. People say normal is boring, but I don’t mind, I just want normal.

I want to make it stop!!

(As a side note, I actually really like real rollercoasters, although going to Disney Land Florida kind of ruined rollercoasters in the UK for me… they are bigger and better in the USA!)

Up side down world

Back and forth,

Up and down,

I sit on the seat and swing,

kicking my legs out in front,

I want to go higher, higher,

I want to touch the sky,

And then back down, down, down,

As my feet scrape the ground,

And I lean back

As I start to fly again,

The world is different

When it’s up side down.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That’s how I feel – up and down. 

I don’t know what to do, my positive thoughts from earlier have disappeared in a puff of smoke! Now I feel tired, empty, lost…again. I want to write but I am too restless, the ideas won’t form together properly. There’s so much I want to do, but I know I don’t have enough time to do all of it.

I’m feeling very strange today…

(In case you hadn’t noticed!)

These mood swings are getting quite unmanageable… I want to know what’s wrong with me?!

Darkness

The darkness closes in on me,
I am enveloped and blinded by the fog,
I cannot escape its clutches,
The feelings overwhelm me and I feel trapped,
Trapped again;
Trapped in this life,

My struggles are futile,
My efforts seem to be in vain,
The darkness is stronger than little me,
And it’s eating away at me: a parasite.

It wants me to give in,
To wave a white flag and surrender,
The darkness taunts me:
you’ll never get out”
No one cares about you”
“Your life is pointless, you’re useless!

And it laughs, gleefully celebrating every victory it gains over me,
Whilst I, at every defeat grow weaker and more tired,
Just tell me, I beg, when will it be over?
If I knew maybe I could put up a fight.

I just want to sleep,
For it all to stop and leave me alone,
And the darkness urges me to follow these thoughts:
“Go on… no one will even notice…”

But the memories, the promises,
They come back to me,
Providing just a glimmer of light,
A chance of hope, a reason to go on,
I’ll not let him lose another one,
Darkness will not overpower me.

~ ~ ~

At least not yet.

Light a candle

world suicide prevention day

Light a candle for those who are lost,

For those who are now resting,

And those who have been left behind,

Light a candle to represent hope,

To guide the way,

To show your support,

Light a candle and watch it burn,

Watch the flickering flames,

Let yourself remember them,

Light a candle and remember,

Remember to ask “are you ok?”

Help them through the tough times,

Light a candle tonight.

~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~

This is my contribution to WSPD.

Let’s raise awareness – talking about suicide is something that is needed.

Around a million people a year die from suicide, and there are many many more attempts.

So many suicides can be prevented, lives can be saved, do your bit!!

stop sign

Stop

Stop

stop sign

That feeling creeps up on you,

Like your whole body is numb,

Like you can’t hear properly

Because everything is muffled,

The colours aren’t as bright as usual,

And the simple joys just aren’t,

You don’t want to be around people

Yet you don’t want to be alone,

All you want is for it to stop

The pain to stop

The screaming in your head to stop

The feeling of emptiness to stop

Just everything: stop.

Treatment for mental health

This isn’t a poem

Why does it have to be this way?

What have I done to be punished like this?

I don’t understand this, it seems no one does,

They just send you to different places,

Different people,

Different medications,

Different therapies,

But what if,

After all of that is said and done,

What if I’m still not better?

*warning: rant alert!!*

Depression is an illness. Sadly, a diagnosis don’t make it easier to treat, unlike with many illnesses. Different people respond differently to different treatments, and different doctors favour different treatment options. Basically, like it or not, you become a human guinea pig, an experiment – a “case”.

When I am older, I really really want to try and help do something about this. Not just dealing with depression, but mental illneses in general. It doesn’t seem fair that just because our illnesses can seem invisible (on the surface), we don’t get proper treatment. I have learnt from personal experience, and from seeing other people’s treatment of mental illness that the area is still incredibly underrepresented, misunderstood and very very slow.

Imagine if you were to go to the doctors with the flu. They are not going to say “What you need is antibiotics, I’ll try this one and if it doesn’t work we’ll try something else”, and they are also not going to say “We’ll put you on the waiting list for a year for your treatment.” No, this would be ridiculous! But somehow, it’s different with mental health.

I know this isn’t fair; I know that resources are scarce, and that there are cuts all over the place. But I really feel that mental health is not something which can be (or should be) ignored.

Why isn’t life a fairytale?

Another poem. Although not really fair, because I do have people who try to help me, but the message is more that no one will save you – you have to save yourself.

Why isn’t life a fairytale?

***

I want to be free from this nightmare,

To escape from this fortress of despair,

It will not let me go; I am trapped,

I need my knight in shining armour.

*

Will he come for me and fight the dragons?

Does such a person exist for me?

Or is he only in fairytales, for princesses?

I want my own fairytale ending.

*

Entrapped in depression’s chains I struggle,

I fight to keep afloat in the sea of anxiety,

I want to go home: to where I am safe,

But there’s no saviour to be seen.

*

I have come to realise over time,

That life is not like in fairytales,

Full of happiness and magic,

And they all live happily ever after.

***