Into the darkness

That feeling of being detached

Of not being real.

Sounds seem distant

Except the buzzing silence in your ears.

Everything is in slow motion,

Only your response time could betray

That you are plunging into the darkness.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Just felt like writing something.

Love,

Ellie xx

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Again

I wrote a poem, haven’t written anything in ages. I want to get back into writing. Here goes…!

*trigger warning: it’s about an abusive relationship*

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I said the wrong thing

I’m stupid, I’m sorry

Shouting

Flying through the air in slow motion

Using my hands as brakes on the concrete

Crying

My new coat is broken

A lady enquiries what happened

“I’m fine” said with a smile

“Just clumsy, I tripped”

She leaves convinced enough

Pathetic. I’m pathetic

Dry the tears

Wash the grit out of my bleeding hands

Plaster a smile on my face

Brush down my clothes

Go home, don’t mention it

Worrying the coat will give me away

Mum sees, mum asks

“I’m so clumsy” I say again

Go upstairs, shut the door to my room

A sigh of relief

They’re all convinced, again.

And then I remember

I see things that remind me of you,

A meme, and I go to tag you,

A bad day, and I go to tell you,

Then I remember, I can’t anymore.

The pain is intense and it burns inside,

I go to sleep crying again and again,

I wake up feeling like everything is ok,

Then I remember, you left.

People say time heals everything,

They tell me things happen for a reason,

But I lost you and now I’m lost,

And then I remember the good times.

The happy memories we shared

Still bring a smile to my face,

They still make me laugh like they did,

And then I remember, there won’t be any more.

What if this is it

I’m afraid this is a bit of a negative one. Feeling sorry for myself this evening. The fear that things will always be this way is strong today. My physical symptoms are getting on top of me and being positive is too much today. 

Love Ellie xx
Like a vampire, avoiding light 

A slow and tired sloth 

There are a group of little creatures

Having a disco in my head. 

Their music thumping away. 

Someone has pumped my body full of lead

Limbs heavy 

Mind heavy 

A thought occurs to me, a whisper in my mind 

“This is the rest of my life”

Pain and tiredness

Feeling blue 

“What if this is it?”

Be me

There are so many things that I want to do and be,
But more than any of them, I just want to be me.

I wish for a day when I could look at myself in a mirror
Without wishing I was different – taller, thinner,

Perfectionism is so tiring, I want to stop and rest,
But I won’t allow myself; I have to do my best.

I wish for a day when my best is good enough for me,
Perfection isn’t necessary, one day I will see,
If that day arrived I finally would be free,
And then I could truly let myself be me.

That sinking feeling

I’m getting that sinking feeling,

Not yet, please not yet,

I haven’t finished enjoying the world,

I haven’t finished participating,

I haven’t finished feeling like I can do this,

I haven’t taken it all in.

~    ~    ~

I’m getting that sinking feeling,

The one where everything feels unstable,

Like I’m dangling from a cliff,

And the rope is about to snap,

Then I’ll fall down,

down,

down.

down,

down…

~    ~    ~

I’m getting that sinking feeling,

But I’m not done with smiling,

I’m not done with feeling good,

Give me more time, I’m begging you,

I don’t want to fall,

Not again,

~    ~   ~

Because what if I can’t get up again?

Life is a rollercoaster

Life is a rollercoaster,

Ups and downs,

Round and round,

Going up side down,

Loop the loops,

Up and down,

Up and down,

Life is a rollercoaster,

But I just want to get off.

~ ~ ~

After several days of feeling “up”, the down appears to have hit me again. I hate that feeling, it’s always worse when it comes after an up – the fall is further.

I want to curl up in a ball and go back to bed. But I’m too busy, there’s too much to do. I feel like crying, but I can’t, I need to be strong. I need to be okay.

I’m sick of these stupid mood swings. Up and down, up and down. I just want normal. People say normal is boring, but I don’t mind, I just want normal.

I want to make it stop!!

(As a side note, I actually really like real rollercoasters, although going to Disney Land Florida kind of ruined rollercoasters in the UK for me… they are bigger and better in the USA!)

Up side down world

Back and forth,

Up and down,

I sit on the seat and swing,

kicking my legs out in front,

I want to go higher, higher,

I want to touch the sky,

And then back down, down, down,

As my feet scrape the ground,

And I lean back

As I start to fly again,

The world is different

When it’s up side down.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That’s how I feel – up and down. 

I don’t know what to do, my positive thoughts from earlier have disappeared in a puff of smoke! Now I feel tired, empty, lost…again. I want to write but I am too restless, the ideas won’t form together properly. There’s so much I want to do, but I know I don’t have enough time to do all of it.

I’m feeling very strange today…

(In case you hadn’t noticed!)

These mood swings are getting quite unmanageable… I want to know what’s wrong with me?!

Darkness

The darkness closes in on me,
I am enveloped and blinded by the fog,
I cannot escape its clutches,
The feelings overwhelm me and I feel trapped,
Trapped again;
Trapped in this life,

My struggles are futile,
My efforts seem to be in vain,
The darkness is stronger than little me,
And it’s eating away at me: a parasite.

It wants me to give in,
To wave a white flag and surrender,
The darkness taunts me:
you’ll never get out”
No one cares about you”
“Your life is pointless, you’re useless!

And it laughs, gleefully celebrating every victory it gains over me,
Whilst I, at every defeat grow weaker and more tired,
Just tell me, I beg, when will it be over?
If I knew maybe I could put up a fight.

I just want to sleep,
For it all to stop and leave me alone,
And the darkness urges me to follow these thoughts:
“Go on… no one will even notice…”

But the memories, the promises,
They come back to me,
Providing just a glimmer of light,
A chance of hope, a reason to go on,
I’ll not let him lose another one,
Darkness will not overpower me.

~ ~ ~

At least not yet.