Today I had to go to a presentation evening because I achieved an award through scouts. I was dreading it. It turned out to be so much worse than I expected.
Even though I knew most of the people in the room, I felt so anxious. Knowing I had to stand up in front of people and answer questions was anxiety provoking. Waiting for that moment was agonising.
I got through it. I found the whole experience incredibly awkward and was literally shaking, but I got through it.
Then someone came up to me and started criticising the way I run my cub pack. Because of my already high levels of anxiety, it really got to me. Instead of being angry, I was quiet. When she had gone I basically had a melt down in a cupboard. Tears and panic. And then I couldn’t stop crying. It really got to me. Cupboards seem to be my new place for panic attacks. Oh dear!
Now that it’s over and several hours later I have stopped shaking and crying (although my eyes still feel like they’ve been crying – you know when they feel dry and sting a bit?) I am feeling quite angry about the situation. I don’t really know why this person was there, and I don’t know why they thought that an award presentation was the best place to make me feel like crap, but for some reason it happened.
It really pressed my “not good enough” buttons. I worry that I am not a good cub leader. I know that I don’t manage to do everything all the time, but that’s because I have a full time job and a life outside of scouts that I have to fit in too. Obviously the last few months has been bloody awful for me, and I’m very aware that I haven’t been on top form in organising things.
Anxiety levels were really high this evening. It’s really sad because I had been feeling better than I have for ages this weekend until that. My parents said not to let her ruin it, but it’s really tainted the evening.
I kind of forgot how physical and how consuming my anxiety can be. I sat throughout the presentations shaking and feeling really on edge. I was unbelievably warm (not helped by the heater directly behind me!) All I could think was “I can’t wait for this to be over”, so I didn’t really get to enjoy it at all. When I had to stand up and answer questions it was really hard. I struggled to answer questions and when asked to say a simple sentence in german (it was relevant honest!), I couldn’t even do that, embarrassing!
Take home message – anxiety is still definitely something I need to work on. And the whole “not good enough” fear comes up in more contexts than I had realised. At least I can reflect on this now, and this is definitely an example I will mention to my CBT therapist this week.
Time for bed now, and hopefully tomorrow will be a less anxious day!