One of those days

Last night I went to bed early, really early. Why? Because I felt I’ll and because I was meant to be at work at 7am this morning.

So my alarm went off at 6 this morning, I got up, had breakfast bla bla bla… Drove to work. And my name was not on the rota. The guy who sorts out the rotas wasn’t there, so I drove home and went back to bed. Not a happy bunny (or elephant!) this is not the first time they’ve mucked up my hours. I was meant to be working Wednesday this week and they took that one off (but I knew in advance) and now they take away my other day of overtime, and don’t bother to tell me! So angry about this. And I could do with the money so it’s really not ideal.

One good thing is that I got to go back to bed for a few hours, still not feeling well today. I’ve brought out the lemsip max! But still very angry about this whole work thing, they keep messing around with my hours, and considering I was told the want me to work 30 hours a week, 8 or 16 just isn’t cutting it for me!

I’m working tomorrow and Sunday, but that’s it for this week. Highly irritating that there’s barely any overtime and there’s nothing I can do about it! Grr!

So to conclude: my immune system is crap and my manager at work (well one of them) is crap.

I got upset at work this morning. After getting up that early especially when I was feeling ill, it was all a bit much and I couldn’t stop the tears leaking out of my eyes. But I’m more angry than upset… I often cry when I’m angry. I cry when I’m sad too, but it’s annoying when I cry from anger because I look like I’m overreacting and being upset over nothing.

I’m off to see S this afternoon, maybe he will be able to cheer me up (and hopefully I won’t make him ill too!)

Lots of love,
Ellie xxx
P.s. the other day S said I’m an anxious little elephant… And he doesn’t know the name of my blog! Spooky or what!?

CBT: Get up and get out!

No don’t worry – these were not words said by my therapist to me (or vice versa.) Yesterday I was feeling pretty down and really didn’t feel like doing anything. But my appointment was at 2pm, so having finally dragged myself up at about 1, I called a taxi and went to my CBT session.

And I’m glad I did, I felt a bit better afterwards. And once you’re up and about, things normally feel a bit better. If I stay in bed hiding all day, what have I achieved? Nothing. But by getting up and out and going to CBT, I have (hopefully) helped myself a bit. So that’s the advice: Get up and get out! 

I was pretty tearful in my CBT session yesterday – the realisation that it’s coming to an end is scaring me. Then I have to cope by myself!! I have 2 more sessions left, then I’m back home in London until September, and then the big move to Germany – eek! The fact that I won’t have A to speak to anymore is a bit scary, especially because I think the CBT is helping, but there’s still a lot that hasn’t been dealt with.

A said there are some things I am still not ready to deal with. She said in the future I will be and then I can have some counselling/therapy to help me deal with it. She said when I get back to Lancaster I can get re-referred if I need to.

A gave me another CD with some guided mindfulness meditations on it. There is one called Mindful sitting practise and one called 3 minute breathing space. I’ll write about these sometime this week when I’ve done them a few times.

We talked about the way the mind works (according to CBT.) We have the situation or event and the emotion/feeling, but inbetween there is the thought which triggers the emotion. So I am working on spotting the thoughts and seeing – is this a fact or a thought? This is of course easier said than done, but it’s work in progress.

We talked about my insecurity and constant fear about S leaving me. This is rational to some extent because my previous experience (with the ex) has shown me that people can leave me. However, this does not mean everyone will leave me, and it does not mean I am not good enough (which is the thought that goes with the event: ex leaving me and the feeling: depressed/lonely/scared.)

A has asked me to write down how I am feeling each half day, and more importantly the negative thoughts that come with the feelings. Then I can look at them and say – fact or thought? Do I have any evidence of this? The chances are, probably not!

The other thing I am meant to look at this week are when I have these thoughts that S is going to leave me. We have established that seeking reassurance doesn’t really help… it may help for a brief moment, but soon afterwards, the thoughts will be back. And I know they must be irritating for S, to constantly reassure me that he’s not going anywhere, he’s not going to hurt me, and yes he does love me. So the aim here is to identify these thoughts and look at them without engaging with them. Using mindfulness, the idea is to see the thoughts as thoughts (and not facts), not engage with them, and ignore them. But baby steps – this week I’ve just got to identify them as early as possible.

A used the analogy of the “thought train”… so once the thought comes into mind, it starts a trail of destruction, with each thought encouraging the next, until I’m in a massive negative spiral and I truly believe that S is going to leave me because I’m just not good enough. So instead of this, I should try to identify the thoughts early and get off the thought train. Another analogy was “putting on the same DVD”, so once you have had the thought (put the DVD on), the same thing happens (the same DVD plays) and it results in the same behaviour and feelings each time. So instead of letting the same thing play out each time, it is better to catch the thought early, and throw away that DVD 😉

Anyway, enough about DVDs and trains… me thinks this is more progress.

Oh – and A said she thinks if I use the mindfulness stuff we are learning and use the book I have bought (The Mindful Way Through Depression), I will be ok in Germany without any therapy. I hope she’s right! But I have my blog too, which I think is therapy in itself!

Painful hands and procrastination

My hands hurt, that is all I have to say really. I just got back from climbing with Owl, and although I enjoy climbing, today was not great!

I couldn’t do the route I was trying to do, my hands are in agony and I’m tired. But it was a pretty good workout. We spent a bit longer bouldering than usual, and tried some harder routes. That’s probably why I couldn’t do the route I was trying in top-roping (hands were already hurting after bouldering!), but it’s still frustrating. 

Today I haven’t managed to get much work done either. Did a bit of German grammar this morning (what could be more exciting?!) but I really need to get into proper revision mode… the exam is on Tuesday!! What am I doing going rockclimbing this close to an exam?!

Since S left I have been feeling pretty down and my concentration is worse again. A couple of days ago the anxiety really kicked in (again), I was hiding in my bed for most of the day and I was really freaked out (haven’t worked out why though) but that seems to have subsided (at least for now.) I keep putting myself down, and usually I feel a sense of accomplishment after climbing which helps with motivation, but today I didn’t manage to complete the route so I feel like a bit of a failure. (Even though I know it was a hard route, and it was only the 2nd time of trying a route of that grade!) 

In other news, I have come to the conclusion that nice nails do not go with climbing. I painted my nails on Friday before I went out. Owl bought me a magnetic nail varnish for my birthday that makes a cool pattern so I used that. Now (Sunday) after climbing they are ruined… It’s to be expected. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to do them again now… (More procrastination! Wait until after the exam!!)

Sorry for the boring update, but I don’t really have much else to say at present. (Just having a little moan really!) After Tuesday when I have finished my exam I will have to start focusing on my CBT stuff… I’m sure I’ll have plenty to blog about then!!

Talking of after exams, I’m going to have to start planning my dissertation! I am doing some research into how EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitation and Reprocessing – A type of therapy often used to treat PTSD) works. Has anyone tried EMDR? And if so, how did you find it? (Would be interested to know if anyone feels like they want to tell me about it)

Trying

I’ve written 294 words. It’s not a lot but it’s a start. I have all this coursework to do, so I had to start somewhere.

I’m translating the first 2 pages of Harry Potter und der Stein der Weisen (AKA HP and the philospher’s stone) into English. 294 words so far, I’m about 1/4 of the way through the second page. That’s my aim before dinner, to finish the page.

I had an idea that I will translate pages 3 and 4 from English into German too. But I don’t have the English version of the book here, so my dad is going to scan it.

I always underestimate the brain power and amount of time needed for me to translate stuff. It’s not hard, Harry Potter, and especially the first one, is written for children. I should be able to translate 2 pages!

Hopefully my teacher will think this is a good idea when she comes to mark it. We have to do an independent learning portfolio, which basically means we have to do 6 pieces of work and evaluate it, and show how it has helped us progress with our German learning. I did 3 last term, so just have to make corrections on those, and I’m doing the Harry Potter translations, a film review (of a German film that I haven’t actually watched yet) and some kind of grammar exercise. I think.

Wow, this was a boring blog post – sorry! But it kind of helped to get it straight in my mind.

It’s taken me most of the day to get going with work. I stayed in bed until nearly 2, and didn’t do much once I got up. I spoke to S just before 4 and I hadn’t started yet. He told me to just try and do something. I know he’s right. I know he knows that I’m struggling, but sometimes it feels like people are thinking “just get over it”, even though I know he’d never say that. And I hope he doesn’t think it either. I am trying, really hard.

But even if this is all I get done today, it’s better than nothing – right?

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

P.S. I still find it so funny that one of the most common searches that leads to my blog is Despicable Me Minions! hehe

Jumble of nothingness

I don’t feel good at all.

My mind is a swirling mess. Not a single thought that makes sense. Just a big jumble of nothingness.

I have an exam tomorrow. I have work to do. Why can’t I concentrate? Why aren’t I worried? Why don’t I care?

I don’t even want to go. I just want to stay in bed all day.

My brain hurts. My heart hurts. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore.

Give me a break. Just a night where I can sleep and wake up not feeling tired in the morning. I am so tired. I’ve been so tired for so long. Someone asked me a while ago when the last time was that I wasn’t tired. I said I don’t know; maybe a few years ago. That’s ridiculous.

Writing Room: Daily Prompt

A genie has granted your wish to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like? (Daily Post)

This would be really cool!!

My writing room would be quite small and cosy. It would be warm but not too hot, and it would have a big window with a lovely view outside. It would have a big desk with a comfy chair where I could sit, and maybe a bed – I like to write in bed sometimes!

There would be bookshelves with lots of books and different types of paper and notebooks, and lots of pens and pencils too. On my desk my laptop would be there, and the walls would have lots of sticky notes on with all my writing ideas!

The walls would be painted different colours, at least one would be purple!

Oh, and on the floor there would be a lovely fluffy rug 🙂

And that would be my writing room 😀

Little steps

Today has not been good.

Spent an hour and a half trying to convince myself to get out of bed.

Then when I managed to get up, I couldn’t concentrate.

I feel useless, stupid and pathetic.

My mum rang and I cried a lot and I said I can’t do it and I should’ve taken a year out. I feel bad because I know she’s worried about me and there’s actually nothing she can do because she’s in London and I’m not. And even if I was in London she still couldn’t magic anything better could she?

There’s actually nothing anyone can say that is going to fix this. And there’s nothing anyone can do to make the work go away either.

So I’m just going to have to do it. (Today).

I lay in bed after the phone call and dozed off again. Then my dad rang and said I should take little steps. Try and do one little bit, then have a break, then another little bit etc.

So I’ve tried that. I still feel useless and like it’s never going to get done. But I’ve done a bit today.

My dad said I’m going to have to accept that it’s not going to be my best work because I’m not well at the moment. But that’s hard to accept because I always aim so high, and anything less than the best isn’t good enough.

So I’ve done the introduction and the method, I’ve done most of the results and some of the discussion, and then there’s the abstract. And then boom – it’s done. (EDIT: This was not all done today – far from it!)

If only it were that simple.

For the people who tell me to just get on with it, I wish they could spend an hour feeling like I do, and then they would understand that it’s not that I’m not trying, it’s that I CAN’T CONCENTRATE and I feel BLOODY AWFUL.

So I should probably go back to it now. I’ve had a break, reading some blogs and now writing this.

Now I’m going to look at the results section. And we’ll see.

Maybe after that I’ll go for a walk. It really helped last time. 

The girl in pink tights

As you will know from my previous posts, I have been feeling really rubbish lately. In fact, for quite a long time. I am trying to keep going, and everyday I do the things I “should do” even though most of the time I don’t want to.

Today was a miserable day (weatherwise). It was freezing, and wet snow was falling from the sky. By this I mean it was in between snow and rain, and therefore both than either.

I dragged myself out of bed, late. It was 8:15am, and I was meant to be in a lecture at 9. Shit. (excuse my french*) So I dived into the shower, out again, pulled some clothes on and was out the front door before 8:40. I got on the bus at about 10 to 9, and amazingly I was only about 5 minutes late for my German class.

I then had about 4 hours to kill at uni. Did some work, did some googling, some facebooking, and wordpress reading, and then had another seminar. Then another gap, where I wrote a post about it never snowing in Lancaster. Ironically, less than half an hour after posting that, it started to snow, and not only that, but it started to settle. Unfortunately, I was almost instantly reminded of why snow is never as good as you expect it to be. The snow turned to slush on the ground. Cold and wet feet. Not impressed!

Anyway, I’m going to get to the actual point of this soon.

But long story short of this day, I did things I didn’t want to do because I “had to”.

Given the horrible weather, you can imagine that all I wanted to do once I got home was get in my pajamas and curl up in bed. But my friend was having a party tonight – a 90s rave! And, as all good friends would, I got my fluorescent pink tights on and went to the party.** It was pretty good – I enjoyed parts of it. I didn’t know many people so was feeling pretty anxious but I drank quite a bit and then I didn’t mind so much. In the cellar of their house they had music and a strobe light. This would usually put me on edge completely, but what do you know – after a few drinks it didn’t bother me too much.

I then persuaded my friend (cat lady***) to come to one of the clubs with me. Even though the weather was horrible, even though it was cold, even though we were tired, I had told my housemate (footballer) that I would meet her at the club, because I didn’t want her to end up on her own, and didn’t want her to have to walk home alone.

So anyway, we went and found footballer outside the club, and she was with her boyfriend. The society which we were going to the club with hadn’t arrived yet, so we went towards the bar where they were. We had nearly reached the bar when we saw the society coming the other way, towards the club.

At this point, footballer said she couldn’t be bothered and she was going home.

I was really annoyed. The only reason I came out was because of her. The only reason I dragged cat lady out was because of her. I was trying to be nice, but apparently that counts for nothing.

So she went home. I texted her asking what was going on and saying I’d only come out because of her.

Anyway, we went with the society to the club. Once we got in, we lost most of the others. A couple of my housemates from last year (Mr Smith and Mr Arrogance****) were there. We were with them for a bit, then they went off. Later, I saw Me Arrogance across the dancefloor, ran across, dodging lots of people, and told him where cat lady and I were, because he was on his own, and straight away he said he was going to look for someone else.

Well thanks a lot. Glad I’m last choice, as always.

I was very tempted to post on facebook saying “Glad I have such great “friends” in Lancaster”, but decided it would probably cause unnecessary drama, so am writing about it here instead.

I feel let down by my “friends” tonight. Everything I do is for other people pretty much. And do people treat me like I treat them? No they don’t. Obviously loyalty means nothing, and I don’t really matter to them.

I’m sick of being everyone’s last choice. It’s like they only “care” if there’s no one else they can be with. I seem to attract these types of people, I’ve seen it in my past, over and over again.

I’m fed up of giving so much when no one even notices.

Why are people so useless? Why can’t they see what’s right in front of them? They are all too wrapped up in their own little problems to see a “friend” falling apart.

Having said all this, I am lucky to have the friends that I have. Here in Lancaster, I only have  a couple I can count on, but I still have my friends from back home, so for that I am grateful.

I always try to be nice to people, I’m always making the effort. What is wrong with me? I’m always an outsider. Never the one people like. No one would even notice if I left.

Damn. Was going to end the post here. Then I looked at the title and it reminded me – I still haven’t told the story which relates to the title. Sorry for the long post, but here goes (again)…

After a while at the club, cat lady and I decided to go home. We went to a take away shop, and she ordered some chips. While we were waiting, a random guy started talking to us. The usual stuff people say to make conversation – where are you from, what do you study, what’s your name etc. This is just a harmless, slightly drunk man – we’ll humour him.

Then at one point he said “I was thinking about asking whether the girl with pink tights comes with digits,” (presumably asking in a round about way for my number) at which point I must have said at least 5 different variations of the word “no”. He didn’t push it – it was fine. But then my friend, who had zoned out at this point suddenly said “what? … I like rainbows.” I found this hilarious, and as soon as the man had left the shop I had to tell cat lady what happened. We laughed about it together.

This reminds me of another incident involving a guy… I think a post is needed for the worst/most interesting chat up lines/attempts to get with a girl that I have experienced or witnessed! Stay tuned for that one, will probably end up writing it as procrastination from my lab report!!

Ok, so that’s my night. I walked home by myself. Now I’m in bed. Night night WP!

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

*I always wonder why we say that phrase!

**please note, the pink tights were not the only item of clothing I wore!

*** can’t remember if that’s what I’ve called her on my “people I talk about” page, but that should be her name here. Last year in German we did a presentation about the accusative case which heavily featured cats, so we now call each other cat ladies.

****Again, can’t remember what name I’ve given him. But this one suits him.

Ramblings of a tired Ellie

Yesterday I took my last dose of Mirtazapine. I’m now off it completely.

Only the propranolol left now, and technically that’s to prevent migraines (although it has just been increased to reduce anxiety).

So we’ll see, what is Ellie like when she’s not on antidepressants? This is the first time in over a year and a half that I have been completely off them. I’ve tried 5 different medications in that time (citalopram, fluoxetine, sertraline, venlafaxine and mirtazapine), and a range of dosages for each one. And none of them helped. Not one.

So this has led me to the conclusion that it is unlikely that antidepressants are going to help. And this probably means that my depression isn’t a chemical imbalance, which means it’s not biological, which means it’s my fault. And medically, I should be ok. But I’m not.

There are still more medications I could try. But is there any point? If I haven’t reacted to five, what difference will one more make? 

I am going to try not being on any for a little while and then we’ll see. I’ve got an appointment with the psychiatrist but it’s not until the end of February.

And then there’s the other question: is it depression? Or is it depression and something else? Or just something else entirely? Or worst of all, is it that I’m just making a fuss over nothing, and it’s all in my head?

Who knows? I don’t. The GP doesn’t. No one seems to know.

On a more positive note, today I caught myself feeling hopeful, having aspirations for the future – that kind of thing. I was surprised (in a good way), and just for a while I thought F*** you depression, I can do this, I’m going to get out of this, and I’m going to achieve.

That’s an improvement from how I’ve been recently.

Although now I am tired. Not sleepy tired (well that too) but just exhausted – physically and mentally. I don’t want to do anything. The hope is gone. 

When it gets to this (as it does quite often in the evening/night) the best thing to do is sleep. Sleep all night and then tomorrow is a new day.

And tomorrow I will drag myself out of bed. I will dive into the shower, rush through getting ready and power walk to the bus stop. And I will go to uni, whether I like it or not. And it will be hard, but I will be ok, because I have to be ok. I have to appear ok anyway.

And then tomorrow evening, when I want to retreat to my room and hide, I will get ready and I will go to my friend’s party, because that’s what friends do. And I might leave early, I might come home and cry, but I’ll be there because that’s what friends do.

Why can’t I just have a few days to just escape. To just unwind completely. To rest and just be me. No obligations. No people. Just rest.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Shame it’s never going to happen.

And back down again…

**Trigger Warning – Suicidal Thoughts**

Today has not been good.

I got up (just about) and got to my 9am lecture. It was boring as hell (statistics) but I made it. Then I went to my lab, where we had to listen to her lecture for 3 hours!! Again, boring, but I made it.

I went to the doctors. I was sitting in the waiting room. There were lots of babies and young children. That was a trigger in itself. And then when some of the babies cried, I started crying too. Too many painful memories. Too many “what if”s…

By the time I got to see my doctor (over 20 minutes late) I was feeling really really rubbish.

When she asked me how I was getting in, that was it – I was off, in floods of tears (again).

I told her I’m frustrated because nothing is helping. How my mood is all over the place and is so unpredictable. About not being able to concentrate and feeling worse because of my weight. About just feeling awful.

She asked if I have people I can talk to. I do, but I don’t want to. I don’t want people knowing just how bad it is. Then they would worry. So I drip information. Different things to different people so no one knows the extent of it.

I told her I don’t want to do this anymore and I can’t see an end to this. She said that things will get better in time. I’ve given it a year and a half, and things are getting arguably worse.

I can’t tell people, my doctor included what I think about. They will just worry and I’m not worth worrying about. I can’t stop thinking about dying. Ways to die.

Everytime I see a speeding car, I’m so tempted. Seeing the frozen canal… so tempted. The tablets, the knife….

But don’t worry. Because I’m “low risk”. This is because I don’t want to hurt my friends and family. I don’t want them to have to go through my pain. So just for them, I’m still here.

But the real truth is. If it didn’t affect anyone else, I’d be dead by now. All I cling on to, all that is keeping me safe is that I don’t want to cause other people pain.

Why can’t I look after myself?

I just want something to stop the pain.

All productivity for today has gone out of the window. I’m in bed, pajamas on, stuffing my fat face with chocolate raisins and probably going to have a sleep after this.

I can’t do my work. I have so much stuff to do and I can’t do any of it.

Am I just lazy? Why can’t I do what everyone else can do?

I’m sick of getting extensions for my work. Do you really think an extra week is going to help me? No it isn’t. It’s more time, but the work is still not going to be any good. Not compared to how I could do, if I was feeling good.

I’m drowning in despair and I can’t see a way out. What am I going to do?

I’m going to let everyone down. I have a social tomorrow for the society, I don’t want to go. I have work to do; I don’t want to do it. I have lectures and seminars, and I don’t want to go. I just want this all to end. Too much pain here.

And all of this triggered from seeing a couple of babies.

I’m pathetic. I want to give up but I don’t have the guts. How pathetic is that?