Little steps

Today has not been good.

Spent an hour and a half trying to convince myself to get out of bed.

Then when I managed to get up, I couldn’t concentrate.

I feel useless, stupid and pathetic.

My mum rang and I cried a lot and I said I can’t do it and I should’ve taken a year out. I feel bad because I know she’s worried about me and there’s actually nothing she can do because she’s in London and I’m not. And even if I was in London she still couldn’t magic anything better could she?

There’s actually nothing anyone can say that is going to fix this. And there’s nothing anyone can do to make the work go away either.

So I’m just going to have to do it. (Today).

I lay in bed after the phone call and dozed off again. Then my dad rang and said I should take little steps. Try and do one little bit, then have a break, then another little bit etc.

So I’ve tried that. I still feel useless and like it’s never going to get done. But I’ve done a bit today.

My dad said I’m going to have to accept that it’s not going to be my best work because I’m not well at the moment. But that’s hard to accept because I always aim so high, and anything less than the best isn’t good enough.

So I’ve done the introduction and the method, I’ve done most of the results and some of the discussion, and then there’s the abstract. And then boom – it’s done. (EDIT: This was not all done today – far from it!)

If only it were that simple.

For the people who tell me to just get on with it, I wish they could spend an hour feeling like I do, and then they would understand that it’s not that I’m not trying, it’s that I CAN’T CONCENTRATE and I feel BLOODY AWFUL.

So I should probably go back to it now. I’ve had a break, reading some blogs and now writing this.

Now I’m going to look at the results section. And we’ll see.

Maybe after that I’ll go for a walk. It really helped last time.ย 


18 thoughts on “Little steps

  1. Bourbon says:

    I’m sorry today is such a bad day. I would never tell you to just get on with it. I know how when we are too ill to sustain any type of concentration then even writing just two sentences is a miracle. Sending you some more strength to keep you going xoxoxo

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks Bourbon. I have kind of accepted that this one is going to be rubbish, but I need to hand something in tomorrow, so I’m getting there. It’s disappointing because I know that when I’m not feeling so bad I can produce much better work than this, but hey ho – life’s a bitch sometimes. Thanks for the strength – I need it! Hope you’re doing ok Bourbon? xxx

  2. Jasmine says:

    You’ve done loads hon, it would take me weeks to achieve everything you have today. Those sound more like giant spacehopper leaps than small steps to me! Well done xxxx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      I haven’t done all of that today, sorry didn’t make that clear! Have been doing bits of it for ages, but today it HAS to be finished! Thanks for your support Jasmine, I really appreciate it ๐Ÿ™‚ And I like the term “giant spacehopper leaps”, we have one of those in our house at uni because last year we bought one for one of our housemates for their birthday! ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      They don’t want me to take a year out. They never really considered it as an option. But I guess that’s because they don’t know quite how bad it is. The thing is that now I’ve got more than half way through the year (well the teaching bit anyway) I feel like I may as well carry on, otherwise all this work has been for nothing! xx

      • behindthemaskofabuse says:

        can i ask why you don’t tell them how bad it is? if you’re honest with yourself, do you feel you can continue on? this is serious and it’s not at this point about pleasing anyone else, it’s about taking care of you.

        if you were to take the year off, is there a way of picking up where you left off, there’s got to be sick leave or something of the like?

      • anxiouselephant says:

        I don’t want them to worry, and they don’t know a lot of what’s gone on. I don’t know… sometimes I feel like I can carry on and sometimes I feel like I can’t. I think if I took a year out I could start in term 2, but if I was going to do that I’d probably rather do the whole year again anyway. It would be difficult though because I’d have to find somewhere to live etc. and I think it might make me feel worse, because then I’d feel like I’ve failed by taking a year out. xx

      • behindthemaskofabuse says:

        i understand, but parents are going to worry regardless, that’s what parents do…maybe this would give them an opportunity to give to you the very thing you need right now and that would be a gift to them too.

        i know you have a fear of failure, but you are not a failure, you are in pain. you are your own worst enemy.
        you are important enough to take care of. taking care of your needs is not failure, that is doing what you need to do so you can live the life you want, does that make sense?

  3. scienerf says:

    I’m sorry you had such a bad day yesterday fingers crossed today will be better. When it comes to writing up things like that you have to take breaks otherwise every number, every result merges into one and you end up with nothing but a headache! Your dad is right, sometimes we can’t do a perfect job but our best is always good enough. If you’re trying even when you’re feeling so low then it definitely is good enough! Don’t let it get on top of you and remember that you can always ask for help. Mel xx

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