Today has not been good.
Spent an hour and a half trying to convince myself to get out of bed.
Then when I managed to get up, I couldn’t concentrate.
I feel useless, stupid and pathetic.
My mum rang and I cried a lot and I said I can’t do it and I should’ve taken a year out. I feel bad because I know she’s worried about me and there’s actually nothing she can do because she’s in London and I’m not. And even if I was in London she still couldn’t magic anything better could she?
There’s actually nothing anyone can say that is going to fix this. And there’s nothing anyone can do to make the work go away either.
So I’m just going to have to do it. (Today).
I lay in bed after the phone call and dozed off again. Then my dad rang and said I should take little steps. Try and do one little bit, then have a break, then another little bit etc.
So I’ve tried that. I still feel useless and like it’s never going to get done. But I’ve done a bit today.
My dad said I’m going to have to accept that it’s not going to be my best work because I’m not well at the moment. But that’s hard to accept because I always aim so high, and anything less than the best isn’t good enough.
So I’ve done the introduction and the method, I’ve done most of the results and some of the discussion, and then there’s the abstract. And then boom – it’s done. (EDIT: This was not all done today – far from it!)
If only it were that simple.
For the people who tell me to just get on with it, I wish they could spend an hour feeling like I do, and then they would understand that it’s not that I’m not trying, it’s that I CAN’T CONCENTRATE and I feel BLOODY AWFUL.
So I should probably go back to it now. I’ve had a break, reading some blogs and now writing this.
Now I’m going to look at the results section. And we’ll see.
Maybe after that I’ll go for a walk. It really helped last time.