Ramblings of a sad person

(Just to warn you, this is a long and rambling post with no particular point. I just needed to get this out)

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I try to remember how lucky I am to have the life I have. I have a great family, great friends, a safe and happy place to live, a job I like etc etc.

But when I get in a mood like I am today, none of that matters. In fact, that probably makes things worse because I feel so guilty, so ungrateful that I am unhappy when I have so much.

Today I feel very low, lost and lonely. I know that when I am over tired, I feel worse. I know that at the moment I am over tired.

But I have this pent up energy inside me – a negative energy, that I don’t know how to release. I feel so angry, so much pain and a lot of sadness. I feel frustrated about small things that don’t matter, but most of all I am angry with myself. I hate myself for not being ok. I hate myself for being depressed when I have such a good life. I hate myself and feel embarrassed that 9 months after the break up I’m still sitting on my bedroom floor crying tonight.

I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to need anyone but I feel so stuck. I know I need to learn to be happy in myself. I know that there are actually times when I feel quite good. I know this will pass.

I know all of this but none of it helps.

I know that what I really need is a good nights sleep and to wake up refreshed tomorrow. I also know that when I feel like this, the chance of that happening is slim to none.

I am trying to distract myself. I did a mindfulness meditation, it actually helped a bit but now the crying has started and there’s no end in sight!

The people I usually talk to when I’m feeling really down are on holiday at the moment, and I don’t want to bother them while they’re away.

I wrote in my journal which helped a bit but I don’t know how to stop. So here I am typing away on my phone. Writing a post of rambling that I don’t know if I’ll post.

Sometimes letting it all out helps. Maybe I needed a cry. Maybe things have been bubbling for too long and the pressure has built up and needed to be released.

I have also had 3 or 4 weeks without a therapy session. My next one is Wednesday, so not long to go.

I want to be ok. I want to have my shit together. I want to be over the break up. I want to be positive, look forward to the future and appreciate all the good.

Tomorrow is new week, a new day. Let’s hope for a good one!

Love,

Ellie xx

Just a moan about life really

There’s too much to do and never enough time.

So much coursework, and I haven’t done my CBT homework yet, and yet all I seem to want to do is sleep.

I am tired all the time. No amount of sleep seems to help.

I wish I could have a weekend off – no commitments, just sleep and lazing around. But I can’t.

There’s too much coursework, homework, work. And I’m helping on the university open day today, giving a tour of the university at 3. Oh dear. I’m still in my pajamas.

Time to get going and put a happy face on.

And tonight I’m volunteering. Can’t let them down now. Damn. Why do I agree to these things?

All I want is to hide in my bed by myself. No chance of that.

And tomorrow I need to do work. When am I going to get 4 pieces of coursework and revision for at least 2 exams done?

I don’t want to ask for any more extensions.

I just want to be able to do this. Feeling useless, and that probably isn’t helping matters.

Why do I have to be so disorganised and unproductive with my time? It’s like everything takes at least three times as long as it should. No wonder there aren’t enough hours in the day.

Urgh.

Just a moaning rant really. Sorry WP.

Post of stuff

I’m back in Lancaster after a weekend at home, and now I can write this post of the things that I’ve been meaning to write about! So here goes!

First one, lent. I meant to write about this earlier in the week but I didn’t because I was too busy, so it can go into my post of stuff! This year for lent I have decided to give up alcohol. I’m not really sure why I do lent – it’s probably a bit hypocritical to be honest. I’m not very religious and I don’t go to church often. I don’t quite know what I believe, although I do want to believe in God… But anyway, I normally give something up for lent because “I should”, and probably for the wrong reasons, but anyway. Not only does this mean that I don’t have to deal with 40 days of chocolate cravings (like when I gave up chocolate one year) but also it is probably beneficial for my health not to drink. The doctor always reminds me that alcohol and depression don’t mix, and alcohol and antidepressants definitely don’t mix, but I normally just say that I don’t drink often.* So I am giving it a chance, especially after my recent drunken behaviour!

Next – the exam. I had my German listening exam on Friday, and I’m not too sure how it went, but I did it and I understood most of what they said. So hopefully it’ll be ok. I really need to work on my perception of “doing ok” too – my perfectionism is ridiculous. I looked on my transcript, and I’m on a 66% average at the moment, which is a decent 2:1, but my brain does not find this acceptable, and won’t find it acceptable unless it’s above 70% (which is a 1st). This is one of the major things that I need to work on with A.

And now I can move onto talking about the weekend. Once I managed to catch the train (which I nearly missed because of my indecisiveness) I was on my way home! I tend to go home once a term for a weekend, just to get away from Lancaster for a bit. I love Lancaster, and my friends there, but sometimes you just want your own bed and a nice roast dinner cooked by mum! On Friday I had a yummy chinese take away, on Saturday I went to the pub with some of my friends from where I used to work, and today (Sunday) I met my cousin in a cake shop for a chat and then my mum made a lovely roast dinner and I ate too much! The weekend went far too quickly, but it was a nice one. And for once, I feel reasonably relaxed on a Sunday evening,

But this post of stuff wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the main thing that has happened recently in Ellie land.

On Saturday I met S** for coffee***, and it was a bit weird. I felt really detached, and it was kind of awkward. It was the first time we had seen each other properly since we split up. We have still been talking a lot – on the phone, by text etc, but seeing each other was a bit strange. In a way, things hadn’t really changed when we split up – we still talked everyday, and I still missed him a lot. After the coffee*** we went for a walk and then back to my car to talk. I got upset because things felt weird, and it felt like neither of us had anything to say. He held me as I was crying, and we ended up kissing each other. (This was probably my fault.) We talked about the problems – the distance, the way things didn’t feel right, the pain, and we couldn’t decide what to do. Eventually we left it as “we’ll just see what happens” and decided we wouldn’t see anyone else, but wouldn’t make any decisions further than that.

Then he had to go and meet another friend, so I went home. In the evening we went to the pub, and afterwards I drove people home. I dropped him off last, and we ended up talking for ages, and eventually decided that we would give us another try. Even though the distance is hard, we decided it was still hard even when we weren’t together, and we both missed each other a lot so it is probably worth another try. Obviously things aren’t perfect – I’m still a mess and I know that hurts him, but he said it hurts him whether we are together or not, and he wants to be there for me and make me happy.

As usual, I did a lot of crying, but I think this is the right decision. It might not work, but at least we will be able to say we tried. We agreed that we will be more open with each other and talk to each other about any problems which arise in the relationship, instead of pretending everything is ok like last time. We also realised that we need to put more effort into the relationship. Before, we just expected it to work and we didn’t make enough time just for us, or put the effort in to make things right. I hope that now we will be better at communicating, and will make sure we take time just for us which will help things work better.

I realised that I feel safe with S. Completely. I don’t think he would ever hurt me in any way, and I know that he will always do his best to look after me. I know I’m a complete nightmare a lot of the time, but somehow he loves me anyway. I am so lucky to have him, and I hope one day that I will be able to let myself trust him. I love him more than as a friend, but I don’t think I’m in love with him. I don’t know if it matters, but I also think it might be because I won’t let myself because of what happened with the ex. If you don’t let yourself fall for someone, they can’t hurt you – right?

So basically, a lot has been going on, and things have changed (again) in Ellie land!

In terms of how I’m feeling – I don’t really know. I feel more hopeful for the future, and even though I’m incredibly worried about the amount of work and stuff that I need to do this term, I think things are going to get better. In fact, I am determined to get better. I’ve had quite enough of this being defeated thing!

If you’ve read this whole long, rambling post – thank you! I’m sorry it’s ended up so long! Just had a mini heartattack – Accidentally deleted the whole post! But luckily found the undo button! 😉

*Which is true-ish. I only drink when I go out, and I normally go out less than once a week. But still – better than drinking everyday right?

**S being my exboyfriend (but not “The Ex”) who is still my best friend

***Ok so neither of us had (or like) coffee, but we went to a coffee shop. I had a mango and passionfruit fruit smoothie, but that’s not really relevant.

Blah – Stream of thoughts

Trigger warning: Very negative post, talk about suicidal feelings. Sorry if you read this. It’s really just my rubbish messed up thoughts.

I feel rubbish.

That’s what I tell my parents. No more really, and always the same. “I feel really rubbish today” “why” “I don’t know.”

And I wonder why they can’t help?

It’s just that I don’t want them to worry. If they knew everything they would. They probably already do.

I’m worried.

Today I realised (again) that I’m not doing well. I had booked a doctors appointment, realised I couldn’t make it, so called up to change it.

I put down the phone, and realised I’d double booked myself again. That is not like me.

I’m making mistakes I don’t make. I’m stressing.

Anxious. On edge.

Can’t keep still. Can’t concentrate. Zone out of conversations. Can’t pay attention.

So tired. In my statistics seminar I wrote “18” instead of “81”, realised and corrected it. When I looked again, my correction still read “18” not “81”.

I don’t make these mistakes.

I went to the doctors to give them a letter.

I was on edge. About the letter. About the appointment.

Cancelled the appointment (the new one)

The woman was nice. She saw I was a mess. She made me an emergency appointment for today. I saw the doctor.

Different doctor. Better than doctor O, but a man. Not that that’s a problem. I just. I don’t know, I feel like I would find it easier with a female doctor.

Made an appointment with the mental health team for next week. Nervous. Scared. Are they just going to put me on another list?

Why can’t I cope? Everyone else can?

It’s hard to believe me. Is this depression real? Am I making it up? From the outside it doesn’t exist.

I finished last year with a 1st. My attendance was pretty good, and on the surface most people only ever see me happy/okay.

But I’m not. That’s the thing. And no one can see it. I trivialise everything so people don’t worry. “I’m fine” “I’m ok” “I’ll be alright” “I’ll feel better tomorrow”

None of it’s true. It’s exhausting keeping this act up.

I want to die. I’m sorry but that’s true.

Or more to the point. I want to stop feeling pain. I want to feel nothing. I don’t aim for happiness anymore, just no pain.

Come on Ellie, pull yourself together. You have to do this. You have to succeed. You have to prove you can do it.

Otherwise he was right about you. Just a failure. You can’t do it. You need him. You are weak, pathetic.

He wins. Depression wins. Anxiety wins. And you lose.

~

Everything is detached.

Thoughts.

Feelings.

Not detached from me, detached from each other.

My brain is frazzled after today.

Long day. Lots of learning. Lots of emotion.

I am tired. Sleep, because that’ll fix everything… yeah right.