Blah – Stream of thoughts

Trigger warning: Very negative post, talk about suicidal feelings. Sorry if you read this. It’s really just my rubbish messed up thoughts.

I feel rubbish.

That’s what I tell my parents. No more really, and always the same. “I feel really rubbish today” “why” “I don’t know.”

And I wonder why they can’t help?

It’s just that I don’t want them to worry. If they knew everything they would. They probably already do.

I’m worried.

Today I realised (again) that I’m not doing well. I had booked a doctors appointment, realised I couldn’t make it, so called up to change it.

I put down the phone, and realised I’d double booked myself again. That is not like me.

I’m making mistakes I don’t make. I’m stressing.

Anxious. On edge.

Can’t keep still. Can’t concentrate. Zone out of conversations. Can’t pay attention.

So tired. In my statistics seminar I wrote “18” instead of “81”, realised and corrected it. When I looked again, my correction still read “18” not “81”.

I don’t make these mistakes.

I went to the doctors to give them a letter.

I was on edge. About the letter. About the appointment.

Cancelled the appointment (the new one)

The woman was nice. She saw I was a mess. She made me an emergency appointment for today. I saw the doctor.

Different doctor. Better than doctor O, but a man. Not that that’s a problem. I just. I don’t know, I feel like I would find it easier with a female doctor.

Made an appointment with the mental health team for next week. Nervous. Scared. Are they just going to put me on another list?

Why can’t I cope? Everyone else can?

It’s hard to believe me. Is this depression real? Am I making it up? From the outside it doesn’t exist.

I finished last year with a 1st. My attendance was pretty good, and on the surface most people only ever see me happy/okay.

But I’m not. That’s the thing. And no one can see it. I trivialise everything so people don’t worry. “I’m fine” “I’m ok” “I’ll be alright” “I’ll feel better tomorrow”

None of it’s true. It’s exhausting keeping this act up.

I want to die. I’m sorry but that’s true.

Or more to the point. I want to stop feeling pain. I want to feel nothing. I don’t aim for happiness anymore, just no pain.

Come on Ellie, pull yourself together. You have to do this. You have to succeed. You have to prove you can do it.

Otherwise he was right about you. Just a failure. You can’t do it. You need him. You are weak, pathetic.

He wins. Depression wins. Anxiety wins. And you lose.

~

Everything is detached.

Thoughts.

Feelings.

Not detached from me, detached from each other.

My brain is frazzled after today.

Long day. Lots of learning. Lots of emotion.

I am tired. Sleep, because that’ll fix everything… yeah right.

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18 thoughts on “Blah – Stream of thoughts

  1. buckwheatsrisk says:

    sounds like you are battling PTSD. take one moment at time, be okay with what you can and can’t handle right now. you’re going through a lot and just because people can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there! lots of love xo

  2. jiltaroo says:

    A lot of this sounds very familiar to me. When suffering depression, I find it really difficult to do simple tasks, read maps, organize my time, find energy. At my worst, I have been at the bottom of the black pit with no light in sight. Looking back, after medication, and time, it was difficult to even imagine why I felt like that. Don’t be hard on yourself – you don’t need to feel guilty for depression. See the doctor and get past the black stage first and foremost.
    Lots of love Jen xxx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks for your message Jen. I have an appointment with the mental health service on monday and then going back to the doctors on Thursday so hopefully at least one of these people will be able to do something! I’m glad that you no longer feel that way, and that gives me hope for the future! xxx

  3. aallegoric says:

    :/ I hope the appointments will go well. If it comforts you – I keep mixing up all the Shakespeare’s plays which is kind of embarrassing…
    You’ll manage this. xx

  4. manicjenn says:

    I have always been hard on myself as to why others make life look so easy, but I have to force myself to do mundane things, especially socially. Honestly, as bad as it sounds, I have learned to set my life up now where I have some room to move…I forgive myself when I just CAN’T go to that wedding or party and I don’t care anymore who gets pissed. I know that feeling overwhelmed, especially with a schedule that you have to keep, is not something you can just think yourself out of. I know!

    When I first had my daughter, I was 24 years old…just the THOUGHT of what it would be like to go back to work sent me into my very first anxiety attacks. The kind where you cannot breathe and think that you’re dying. Wow. I thought I was such a weakling!!!! I never told anyone. I just hated myself, instead. I could not see how I would fit all of the things that I had to do into my time schedule PLUS get to work on time…not kill my baby…not forget her in the apartment parking lot…not forget I had her, PERIOD! I used to freak out that I would forget I had her and just go out at night. Just FYI: that never happened. Yay! lol

    Anyway, I really truly hope you have a better day~

    Jenn =)

  5. shrinksarentcheap says:

    “It’s hard to believe me. Is this depression real? Am I making it up? From the outside it doesn’t exist.” This. I feel this. From other people, too. Thank you for putting words on it. I love reading your thoughts, selfishly, because I share so many of them. I hope for you. Peace. ❤

  6. Nicole says:

    “None of it’s true. It’s exhausting keeping this act up.” I feel this so often. I”m so sorry that you feel this way! It’s a horrible terrible way to feel. My heart goes out to you.

    “I want to die. I’m sorry but that’s true.” I hate that you feel this way, I’m glad you have the blog cause I know it can be hard to say that to people in real life. I hope the mental health team or dr. can help you.

    Never doubt that your depression is real–this is not your fault!

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks for your comment Nicole, it means a lot to receive these kind words. I’m sorry that you also feel the same way at times, and hope things improve for you soon! I will be writing a post about seeing the mental health team next week (after i’ve seen them) so will be keeping WordPress updated! Thank you again 🙂

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