This Blog

I started this blog when things were bad, I was feeling low. I posted quite frequently, and built up a network of blogs which I read everyday. It helped me feel better when I felt low, and helped me get some perspective from people who really understood. But now I’m too busy to spend all these hours on WordPress. I still read the blogs that I follow, but sometimes it takes me a while to get to posts. Sometimes I don’t read every single post, sometimes I miss things. And I’m sorry about that, but I am still here, I’m still listening (reading.)

Now I don’t feel like writing that much. I feel like I don’t have a lot to say most of the time, which is to say I don’t have that much to complain about at the moment. It’s a good thing, but I don’t want to stop this blog. But it doesn’t really do anything anymore. I keep saying I’ll do this and I’ll do that, but I always procrastinate my way through things, so it takes a long time for any of it to happen.

So I’m just saying – I’m still here, but not as much. Just bare with me. I know there aren’t that many that read my blog anymore anyway, but for those who do, thank you for being there, it means a lot. Maybe when I have some time I’ll have more to say, maybe once I get on with this mindfulness (if I ever get round to it) then I’ll have more to say.

I don’t want to just disappear, but I don’t want to keep writing posts like this which just say that I don’t know what to say.

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Painful hands and procrastination

My hands hurt, that is all I have to say really. I just got back from climbing with Owl, and although I enjoy climbing, today was not great!

I couldn’t do the route I was trying to do, my hands are in agony and I’m tired. But it was a pretty good workout. We spent a bit longer bouldering than usual, and tried some harder routes. That’s probably why I couldn’t do the route I was trying in top-roping (hands were already hurting after bouldering!), but it’s still frustrating. 

Today I haven’t managed to get much work done either. Did a bit of German grammar this morning (what could be more exciting?!) but I really need to get into proper revision mode… the exam is on Tuesday!! What am I doing going rockclimbing this close to an exam?!

Since S left I have been feeling pretty down and my concentration is worse again. A couple of days ago the anxiety really kicked in (again), I was hiding in my bed for most of the day and I was really freaked out (haven’t worked out why though) but that seems to have subsided (at least for now.) I keep putting myself down, and usually I feel a sense of accomplishment after climbing which helps with motivation, but today I didn’t manage to complete the route so I feel like a bit of a failure. (Even though I know it was a hard route, and it was only the 2nd time of trying a route of that grade!) 

In other news, I have come to the conclusion that nice nails do not go with climbing. I painted my nails on Friday before I went out. Owl bought me a magnetic nail varnish for my birthday that makes a cool pattern so I used that. Now (Sunday) after climbing they are ruined… It’s to be expected. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to do them again now… (More procrastination! Wait until after the exam!!)

Sorry for the boring update, but I don’t really have much else to say at present. (Just having a little moan really!) After Tuesday when I have finished my exam I will have to start focusing on my CBT stuff… I’m sure I’ll have plenty to blog about then!!

Talking of after exams, I’m going to have to start planning my dissertation! I am doing some research into how EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitation and Reprocessing – A type of therapy often used to treat PTSD) works. Has anyone tried EMDR? And if so, how did you find it? (Would be interested to know if anyone feels like they want to tell me about it)

Funny searches

Looking at my stats today, I saw a search term that made me giggle.

Today, 3 views on my blog have come from the search: sex overdose elephant!

What on earth is going on in the world?!

Also, the search that has given me the most views since I started my blog is minion with 264 views!! (As in the cute yellow things from Despicable me!)

Talking of minions, Despicable Me 2 is coming out this summer! I’m excited 😀 (Still a child at heart!)

Anyone else got funny searches?*

*I’m meant to be revising but I’m procrastinating so funny searches seems to be the way forward today!

One down

One exam is done (yesterday) now there’s 5 to go until freedom for a year and a half!! It’s strange to think I won’t be taking any exams this time next year, as I’ll be on my year abroad!!

Revision is not going too well, but hopefully the information will get in my head and find its way onto my exam paper at the appropriate time!

In other news, I went climbing on Saturday with Owl and we did a short course so we are now registered to go climbing when we want without supervision which is nice 🙂 

We went climbing again today and managed to get through it without any falling off!

I have caught up with everyone’s posts from the last few days too, and have probably spent too long procrastinating from revision over here today! (oops!)

Shall be back soon,

Lots of love

Ellie xxx

Fried brain

My brain is frazzled. I’m trying to cram a lot of information in at once and it’s not going too well!

So here I am, blogging! Procrastination much? 

My exam is on Monday afternoon, so I have this afternoon and evening, the whole of tomorrow and then Monday morning to learn everything. I’ve written most of my notes, so will probably write them out again and read over them a lot to try to learn it all. And then fingers crossed for Monday! Please give me a question I can answer!!

In other news, remember when I disappeared for quite a while because I had too much coursework? I’ve got the results back, and got an A on my lab report and a B+ on my essay, very happy about that!! 

I am trying not to think too much about the exams. I have a major fear that I’m going to freeze, forget everything and write nothing. That cannot happen, so I’m trying not to think about it.

Well, this post was pretty boring – sorry about that.

I guess it’s back to revision for me!

But later I’m going climbing 😀

Oh dear…

Today I started trying to make a revision timetable (I’m not sure why I’m bothering, I’ll never stick to it anyway!) 

I guess it’s good to have a plan though.

But it’s made me realise how much there is to learn – way too much!

For 1 exam, I can get away with learning 2 out of 3 topics, which is by no means easy but not quite so bad as learning the entire syllabus, but for others I have to learn EVERYTHING. There is an essay question (pick 1 out of 4) and short answer questions (pick 3 out of 4) meaning you can’t do targeted revision… damn!

I’ve made a list of the topics I’ve got to learn and it’s a bit daunting to say the least! And now I’m procrastinating by blogging instead of revising… oops!

At least most of my exams are quite spread out, so I guess I’m lucky there! 

And just think, come the 28th May I will be free from exams for over a year (because of my year abroad!) 

I am very thankful at this moment that I am feeling much better than I have been for most of this academic year. Although the amount of work seems daunting and scary, and my motivation levels are not as high as they should be, I am in a much better position now than I was a couple of months ago, and I think I can do this.

I may not be able to do as well as I want to, but I’m going to give it my best shot. I’ve had enough of letting depression beat me, and I feel like I can fight it. I’m so glad I’ve got my CBT as it really seems to be helpful (even if it does result in A LOT of crying!) so hopefully by the end of my CBT I will be feeling much better.

I know there is still a long way to go. For example last night I walked home from my friend’s house (owl) and got genuinely scared by a car park ticket machine! I jumped and gasped, thinking it was a person! The rest of the walk home I was hyper-aware of everything, and anxiety levels were high, who knows why! I felt pretty silly after, it (obviously) didn’t even move and it made me jump!! 

But overall things are pretty alright at the moment. And I’m back to blogging which is nice – I’ve really missed it!

I’ve caught up on a lot of reading but I don’t have the time to read over a month’s worth of blogs unfortunately, so there are some bits I’ve missed, but now I’m up to date, hopefully I’ll be able to keep up better now!!

Anyway, enough Ellie rambles for now… back to do some work I think!! 

Lots of love,
Ellie xxx

Blah

I’m feeling a bit “blah” today… flat, dull, lifeless.

It’s nearly 2:30 (pm) and I’m still in my pyjamas. I have a long list of things I was planning to do today, and I haven’t done any of them.

I’ve spent the day so far watching terrible TV (made in Chelsea), reading blogs, and generally procrastinating.

I need to unpack properly. I planned to go to the gym today too, maybe I’ll go a bit later, it might make me feel more… alive.

I think this is normal for me though. Whenever I move from home to home* I tend to feel a bit rubbishy for a couple of days. Hopefully this will pass soon.

My first exam is a week on Monday. I’m running out of time.

I need to go shopping too, I am very low on food (as I’ve been away for a month!)

It’s one of those days – there’s so much to do but I don’t feel like doing any of it.

Maybe it’s laziness, maybe I just need a day of calm to settle back in… I just hope this passes soon.

I don’t have time to be depressed when exams are approaching!

Just thought I’d have a little ramble, maybe it’ll make me more productive!!

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

*whether it’s London to Lancaster or Lancaster to London

Not much to say (but I’m still here)

I haven’t been around much over the last week. Partly because I was feeling quiet (like I already said) and partly because there has been nothing else much to say. Everything I have to say, I have already said before. I feel like I’m being very repetitive – I feel rubbish. I want to feel better. I am procrastinating my life away and doing no work. I feel useless. Nothing seems to make me feel any better. I am at a point where all I want to do is give up but I still know I can’t.

– I’ve said all that before.

Tomorrow is CBT, so I will probably have something to say after that.

I have still been reading, and have finally caught up (I think).

No one seems to know how to help me anymore. I feel stuck.

Hope everyone is ok and had a good weekend,

Lots of love

Ellie xxx

Fragmented thoughts

Panic has not yet set in about the lab report which needs to be written by Thursday. I was planning to get a lot of it done today, but I haven’t done anything. I’ve written the title, and that’s it.

I feel like I’m being lazy. I just can’t focus. I don’t know how to begin and everything keeps distracting me. I am the queen of procrastination.

One thing I did achieve today was that I went to the gym. It was good actually (despite being tiring of course) and I felt more alive than I have in ages. The gym is definitely somewhere I need to spend more time!

I’m going to get an early night and hopefully get lots of work done tomorrow.

I don’t really know how tomorrow will be. I am all over the place at the moment.

My mind is buzzing with too much information. I’m putting off anything productive. Even if I sit down to write, somehow I get distracted. Every time.

I have a to-do list which I made a few days ago to do that day. I still haven’t done any of the things on the list. Oops. And I’ve eaten too many midget gems, again. They are so addictive! Oops.

I can’t work out how I’m feeling. Just numb kind of. I feel lonely but I don’t want to socialise. I am tired but I don’t want to sleep. I need to do work but I can’t/don’t want to. I’m all over the place, as per usual.

I think it’s time for an early night.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend,

Lots of love,

Ellie xx

P.S. My friend sent me this quote earlier, it made me smile: “Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.”

I don’t really care anymore

I’ve realised that at the moment I have completely lost my motivation. Not only that, but I just don’t really care anymore. I can’t be bothered to carry on with things which, when I’m feeling “well”, are very important to me.

I didn’t go to a society thing tonight because I couldn’t be bothered.

I have an exam tomorrow, which I don’t know anything for, but I don’t really care (yet).

The worst thing is that I will care.

If I fail I will care.

When I don’t do very well I will care.

I feel like I’ve just completely lost the will to live.

I don’t really care about anything right now. Except people, but that’s different.

I feel like there’s no point in anything at the moment.

I don’t want to do anything because I think I’ll still feel rubbish.

I haven’t even unpacked yet.

I have spent this evening doing nothing. Procrastinating again. When I should be revising. I have an exam tomorrow. It counts towards my degree.

Why do I just feel nothing?

I don’t even feel sad today. Just completely nothing. Don’t want to do anything. Can’t concentrate. Have spent several hours today just blankly staring at a screen or into space, instead of doing revision.

In my lecture today I felt really anxious. Couldn’t stop shaking my legs. I wanted to get out. But I couldn’t so I didn’t. So I sat there and didn’t take much in. I focused on my breathing but that didn’t help much.

I just feel like nothing really matters.

I don’t want to be here anymore.