Ellie’s little think (and ramble)

Today I went to the doctors. It seems like I haven’t been in ages! Last term I was going every week (not an exageration) but I think this was only the 2nd or maybe 3rd time I’ve been this term (and the term is nearly over now!) That’s progress in itself, I haven’t felt the need to go because things have been improving.

Over the last month or so I have felt a bit worse again and had a few wobbles. But I’m still a lot better than I was, so maybe recovery isn’t a straight line all at one gradient, it seems like it has its ups and downs, and times when things seem to stay the same for a while. But looking back, things are SO much better than they were, and I’ve come a long way this year.

I also got a copy of the letter from the psychiatrist (that I saw in February) to give to my GP in London when I get home. So obviously I had to read it… (Ever tried having a letter that is about you and not reading it? No thank you!) I thought it might upset me a bit, it is the reality of how things are (were?) in 4 pages. Written without compassion or explanation, just the bare bones of it really… And it was difficult to read. I had a little cry.

And then I had a little think, because these kind of things do make you think. One thing about this letter was that it had an actual diagnosis. It says depression and anxiety with post traumatic symptoms. And in that one sentence, it brings validity to what I am feeling. Someone else’s words shouldn’t be worth more than my own experience and emotions, but somehow it is. Sometimes I still think that maybe it isn’t that bad, or I’ve been overreacting to normal emotions. Sometimes I still doubt that it’s all real. But this man knows his stuff, and he is saying it’s real.

But since February things started to improve, little by little. Sometimes there were big changes, sometimes tiny, almost insignificant changes. And still now, I have my wobbles, and I have my little victories, but most important of all I have hope again. Hope that things can change and get better, hope that I can do this!

Well this is all sounding a bit positive and progressive isn’t it?! Time to add some worrying (because otherwise this wouldn’t be an Ellie post!)

I got an email back from the school I am going to in Germany today. I emailed them yesterday, in German. My “Betreuungslehrerin” (mentor teacher) emailed me back today, in English. So now I’m stuck; a decision that probably wouldn’t phase most people, but somehow any decision gets me into a flap! I’m just not good with decisions. So do I reply in English? Do I reply in German? Do I do half and half? (No Ellie, that is ridiculous!)

And what about living arrangements. She mentioned that in the past sometimes the assistant has found a flat in the town, sometimes lived in the nearest city (about an hour away) or she said I could live with one of the other teachers… Too much choice, too many decisions! I’ve decided not to reply today, but I’ll think about it and try and get out of this anxious worrying. Because really, whatever decisions I make – English or German, town or city, alone or with people, it’s not that important. And living arrangements can be changed if it doesn’t work out when I get there…

So time for Elllie to take a deep breath, and CALM DOWN.

Talking of breathing, I must do my meditation for today! And that’s another thing I want to blog about.

I’ve also been trying to plan my dissertation. As I’m doing psychology, we have to do an experiment so need ethics approval. I’ve been working on my ethics proposal today, but have been stopped in my tracks as there is a large flaw in my experimental plans… I have a PC and not a Mac. I have never seen this as an issue before, but apparently the software that I was planning to use for testing in my dissertation which measure reaction time does not exist on PCs!! (I mean seriously, come on!!) So there has been a lot of rushing around, panicking, and emailing my supervisor… hopefully we will sort this out soon! The problem is that next week is the last week of term, and I’m leaving Lancaster then so won’t be able to organise these things once I’m gone!

(Once again, breathing may be useful here!)

So little time, so much to do! In just over a week I will be leaving Lancaster until after my year abroad! Scary stuff!

Edit: I have just seen that I have passed the 200 mark on followers! Wow!! 🙂

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That letter I’ve been waiting for

In November (2012) I applied to be a language assistant in Germany for my year abroad. And today is the day that I finally got the letter I was waiting for!!* I knew the region I was going to already (Nordrhein – Westfalen (or North Rhine Westphalia in English)). I was hoping to go somewhere near Köln (Cologne) or Bonn, but that was not to be! I am instead off to the most northern town in Nordrhein Westfalen, Radhen (which is actually nowhere near Cologne and Bonn at all.)

A bit disappointed because it seems like it is a bit in the middle of nowhere… It’s at least an hour to the nearest big place and it looks like it’s a town in the countryside. But every cloud has a silver lining – I will probably learn more German there because the smaller the place, the less likely they are to speak English (apparently). 

Also, my research this afternoon seems to conclude that there is nowhere to go rock climbing nearby, which is disappointing (especially as there are so many rock climbing centres in that region, it just turns out most of them are in the centre/south and I am in the very north!) 

I am hoping that there will be good transport links and that it won’t be too expensive to travel, so then I can still go to see these bigger cities – Cologne, Bonn, Düsseldorf, Hanover, Bremen… And even Northern cities like Hamburg and the far-away Berlin are on my list of places to go, which will be a bit easier to get to as I’m further north than I expected.

I don’t think I would’ve been happy wherever I was put though. Because this makes it real. There’s a real school in a real town where I’m really going to go and live for nearly a year. And it’s scary already. I think this made it feel more definite, and now there’s not really a way out. Before there was always going to be the chance that they email me and say “oh sorry there’s no place for you” and I would’ve had to stay in England and it wouldn’t have been my fault.   But I am going in September. I need to start planning and actually looking forward to it, at the moment I am just scared, I want to cry (who am I kidding? I am crying..)

I think it’s a bit of a shock really, as the wait has been so long, I wasn’t actually expecting the answer to come! 

And today also marked the end of “year abroad preparation week**”, so now with my brain full of information, I’m meant to be ready to go. But I’m not.

There’s still a couple of months but I’m scared. What if I can’t do it? What if I fail? What if I hate it there and become more depressed? No one is going to be there to help me then…

I know I should be excited, I should be grateful for having a place and for having this new information. But the fear is getting in the way of all of that, and the disappointment that I’m so far from where I hoped to be.

I’ll probably cheer up soon 😛

Lots of love,

From a very anxious and worried Ellie xxx

*Ok, so technically I don’t have it yet, but it arrived at home (London) and my mum has told me the details and has now posted it to here (Lancaster).

**which did not last a week (as one might expect) but 3 days!

CBT – week ?*

This week’s CBT was on Monday. I filled in that horrible depression questionnaire (as I do before every session) and I realised how different it looked to when I started. A few months ago, every question would be answered with a 3 (nearly everyday) but now there are some 1s, some 2s and some 3s. It’s slow progress, but still progress and that’s what matters.

We discussed my exams and how they have gone. Some went ok, one went terribly and one went quite well. And I told her that I have accepted that I probably won’t get a 1st this year. And that’s ok**. I’m starting to look at things a little bit more rationally, and a little bit more “normally” but there’s still quite a way to go.

I told A that the ex and his new girlfriend are having a baby. We talked about it. About why it bothers me, about why it hurts and the thoughts it has brought up. I have to do some homework for my next session. I have to write a letter***. It’s going to be hard but it needs to be done.

I’m worried that I’m going to run out of sessions before everything is sorted in my head. And then what? Once I leave Lancaster for the summer that’s it. No more A, no more CBT, no more help. Once I go to Germany… who knows what happens if things go downhill again.

We sorted out my sessions for the rest of the term. It’s scary how little time there is left.

I don’t know what I’m going to do once the CBT finishes. There’s no point in thinking about that yet… but it is going to happen (and it’s going to happen quite soon!)

After my CBT session I went for a walk in the park with S. It was nice and sunny (for a change) and I really like that park. It’s probably one of my favourite places in Lancaster (or maybe anywhere?)

I feel like there was something else that I was going to write about, but I can’t remember now… That’s irritating.

* I have lost count of weeks, and I think I might not have written about some sessions… oh I don’t know!

**Kind of… The perfectionist side of my brain disagrees but I’m trying to be RATIONAL here!

***I will write about it/maybe even put the letter on here, but probably with a password.

Kind of spooky

Yesterday I wrote A letter to the ex.

Then at 1:30am, after not talking to him or hearing from him for months, suddenly a message pops up on my phone from him.

“Hey, you alright? xx”

As if none of this ever happened. As if we are still part of eachother’s lives. As if I’d want to talk to him.

I didn’t reply. Just deleted it.

How strange is that?

A letter

**Trigger warning: Talks about an abusive relationship**

Dear the Ex

I can’t believe what a mess I am in.

When you left me I thought I would never recover. I thought I would never find someone else. I thought I’d always love you. I don’t though. I hate you now. For everything you did to me, for the pain you put me through and for the way you’ve ruined my life for so long.

I am determined to get through this, because you are not going to win this time. You controlled me and my life for far too long and I’ve had enough. Even though I never see you, never speak to you anymore, I am constantly reminded of everything from the past.

Imagine how it must feel to have flash backs of someone who supposedly loves you holding you up against a wall by your throat. Imagine how much it hurt when someone who supposedly loves you breaks up with you and gets a new girlfriend the next day. You tossed me aside like I was nothing. And now I am nothing. And it’s all because of you.

Three years we were together. I was weak, you were manipulative. I let you control me. I let you turn me into a shadow of who I used to be. I lost my friends, I left scouts, I even moved school for you. And for what? To be bullied, taken advantage of and hurt.

I really wish I never met you. You were trouble from the start. I wish I had opened my eyes and seen what was going on. Everyone else could see it wasn’t healthy, but I wouldn’t listen. I thought they were just trying to ruin it. That’s what you said anyway.

And then when we split up, you carried on using me. You told me you loved me, you told me that you wanted us to get back together one day. You were already with M but you carried on sleeping with me. You told her you were out with your friends when you were really with me.

At first I thought you meant it when you said you loved me. I thought the thing with M meant nothing. And then you told her you loved her. I became a woman possessed. I was obsessed with it. I needed to show her what you were. You told her I was crazy, I was jealous, I was trying to ruin your happiness.

Maybe I was. At the beginning I wanted you back. But then it became more than that. I didn’t know M, I didn’t like M, but I needed to protect her from you.

I told her about how you treated me. I told her that you were manipulative, abusive, messed up. She wouldn’t listen. I told her you were still sleeping with me. She wouldn’t believe me. And you threatened to kill me.

She wouldn’t listen. You lied, you both lied. Said you had split up. Said that it was my fault. And then I found out you were still together. After everything.

And then I went to uni. I got away from you and your manipulative ways. I thought so anyway. You wouldn’t leave me alone. Kept texting and calling, and messing with my head.

It took me a long time to be strong enough to cut you off. I did it eventually.

But I still didn’t feel better. I thought maybe if I saw you, if I spoke to you then I could get some closure, and that would be the end of it. But that didn’t help either. And everytime I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt – I used to give you chance after chance. You always messed it up. You always did something to hurt me. When I tried to ignore me you would threaten me, you would say you’d show people photos of me naked, you said you would kill yourself if I didn’t talk to you. What choice did I have?

So then I realised that was it. I needed to cut you off completely. And no it didn’t erase the memories, and no it didn’t stop the flashbacks or the pain, but it’s stopped you creating anymore horrible memories for me.

If you could see the state I’m in now, I wonder what you’d feel. Maybe you’d be proud; you really did mess me up good and proper. Maybe you’d feel guilty? I doubt it, but maybe. Maybe you’d be sad, ashamed of what you’ve done. Or most likely, you’d laugh. You’d tell me I was making it up – depression isn’t real, that’s what you’d say. I’m exaggerating it, I’m pretending. I’m fine, really, I just need to man up.

But I’m not fine. And it’s your fault. You caused all this. The depression, the anxiety, the panic attacks, flashbacks, feeling of emptiness. And guess what, you ruined my relationship with S too. We split up, are you happy now? Because I’m too much of a mess. Because I can’t be in a relationship. Because when someone gets close to me I get scared. And after all those times you treated me like shit and called me a slut and used me for sex, I’m scared to have sex now, or anything like it. And even though S said he didn’t care, I felt useless. Because that’s what you taught me – it’s all about sex. And this is all your fault. But even now, you’d tell me I was making this up, that it was my fault, that you did nothing wrong.

I am so angry at you for everything you’ve done. I made excuses for a long time, but no more. You are a horrible person. You only care about yourself and getting what you want, you just stayed with me “until somone better came along”, remember that?

I know I need to let this go. It was quite a while ago now. We split up over a year and a half ago. But I can’t forgive you. I can’t get closure because you won’t admit it. And now I’m stuck in this vicious circle – anger, sadness, fear, and round and round and round I go.

I wonder what you’d say if you ever read this. You won’t so it doesn’t matter, but I wish I could know what your reaction would be. You probably think I’m pathetic, you probably are deluded enough to think that all of this means I still love you and I’m not over you. But I don’t love you, I hate you. You’re the only person in the world I really hate. I can’t even explain how much damage you’ve done, but what’s the point anyway, you don’t care.

And the most embarrassingly horrible thing about it all is that YOU ended our relationship. After everything I did for you, after turning me into a robot, YOU ended it. You left me with nothing. And I don’t even get the dignity to say that I escaped, because to be perfectly honest, I probably never would’ve ended it myself. I was trapped. Too scared of you and your threats. How dare you.

What a great first relationship that was. Thanks a lot.

Ellie.

Post Traumatic Stress

Today a letter arrived in the post. It was from the mental man.*

It is a questionnaire. It is a questionnaire much like the depression and anxiety questionnaires which I frequently have to fill out, and hate with a passion. (Because looking at it written on paper makes it all seem so real, and what could be more depressing than realising that you score incredibly highly on a depression questionnaire?!)

So anyway, I looked at it. It scares me even reading it. It puts me on edge, this is probably an indicator of how much this stuff** still affects me. So, this questionnaire is scored 0 – 4 for each item, and aims to identify how much the “stressful life event” affects you.

There are 22 items on the questionnaire, I’m not going to write them all out here, because let’s face it…it’s not a very cheery topic! But I’ll include a few examples, because I want to.

—————————————————————————————————-

At the top it says: “How much were you distressed or bothered by these difficulties?”

And then the list starts, with numbers 0 – 4 so you can tick (0 = not a bit, 1 = a little bit, 2 = moderately, 3 = quite a bit, 4 = extremely)

– Any reminder brought back feelings about it.

This one I scored as 4. Any little reminder of something that happened in the past has a HUGE effect on me. It’s like I’m back there, or watching it all playing over and over in my head.

My feelings about it were kind of numb.

I didn’t know how to answer this one. I put 1, but I don’t know if that’s accurate. My feelings about this are all over the place. I try to block it all out, sometimes it feels like it wasn’t even me – that’s when I feel numb, but more often I’m angry, upset, embarrassed, ashamed…

– I was jumpy and easily startled.

This describes me exactly. I am constantly on edge, any noise makes me jump, I get scared so easily. I thought it was just me, so I guess I’m glad in a way that it’s not just me.

– I tried not to talk about it.

This one is difficult. I try not to talk about the details. Even when it’s playing out in my head. I never tell him*** everything, he doesn’t ask, so I don’t tell him.

—————————————————————————————————-

There’s lots more, but I don’t want to write about them. It’s boring to read, and there’s no point. I can just summarise and tell you that most of them I picked 3 or 4 for, some 2s and only one 1 (as described above.)

It’s hard to make yourself understood through a closed question questionnaire. How can anyone know what my 0 – 4 scale is like compared to anyone else’s? It’s too subjective… what does “a little bit” mean? And where is the line between “quite a bit” and “extremely”?

I hope that once they receive my questionnaire they will follow up with more questions. I don’t particularly care about a diagnosis either way. A diagnosis is just a label, and a label isn’t going to make me better. I need action. I need something that will actually help me work through all this, because as much as I wish it existed, there is no magic cure for these problems (depression,anxiety etc.)

A couple of weeks ago, you might have read my posts YoYo, I think I’ve been transported to a parallel universe, and Confused and Baffled, where I described how good and well I was feeling. Sadly, this was not an act of magic which had solved all my problems, and the down was to follow. I should’ve expected it really, and to some extent I did, but a fall is always harder when it’s from a higher height!

So that’s my post for today, and I’ve got a really important post coming soon,**** so please stay tuned… The topic of that post is really important, and needs to be talked about!!

*The community mental health nurse, or whatever he is.

**Things with the ex

***In this case, him is the boyfriend.

****It’s currently in progress, but hopefully will be done for tomorrow.

Letter writing challenge – 11

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Grandad,

I miss you. You know that though don’t you? I hope you do. I wish I got longer to spend with you, I was only 10 when you died. I knew there was something wrong while I was away.

I was going on the year 6 ski trip with the school. I went, I loved it – of course, but I knew, I had this feeling that there was something wrong at home. No one believed me of course, but I just had this feeling, I can’t explain it. I got back, I remember the coach drove past my house and I saw Nannie’s car on the drive. Why was she here? That wasn’t planned, Nannie rarely comes to visit. I got home, and that’s when they told me. I think Dad told me, that you had died the night before I left to go on the ski trip.

I was angry. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I cried. Dad said he didn’t want to ruin the ski trip for me, he said you wouldn’t have wanted me to be upset on my trip. I know he’s right, you were such a lovely and caring man. I never once saw you angry, you always had a game and a joke with us kids, and you always made us all feel so welcome at your house. I used to love coming round every Sunday to see you, Nanna and the rest of the family. We still did that after you were gone of course, but it’s never been the same. 17 became 16 and it just isn’t right. We all miss you, I hope you know that. I know Nanna does especially. She always seems so happy when she speaks about you – happy memories, and she always tells me “he was such a lovely man” – but I know that, I remember that.

I remember you had a gold lighter. You used to smoke a pipe all the time. You used to light the lighter, and me and Actress used to pop up from behind your chair and blow it out. You used to pretend you didn’t know where it had gone, and we did this week after week for several years probably, yet you never minded – you always played along. Then you’d relight it again, and if we were quick enough, we’d blow it out again.

I wish you could see us all now. Well, maybe you can. I hope you can. If you can, you don’t need to read all this because you already know, but everyone likes letters right?

Do you remember the ride on scooter you had when you couldn’t walk very well? It had two settings on – a tortoise and a hare. We used to race you down the hill to the field, and you always used to let us win I think.

Sometimes when I go past the church I stop by the gate and talk to you. Out loud. I tell you what’s going on. I want to make you proud. I know you always were, so proud of all of us. And I wish more than anything that you weren’t taken away so long ago. I hope you’re at peace now, safe and happy somewhere, I’m glad you didn’t have to suffer anymore.

I just wanted you to know, I remember you, I miss you, and I have so many happy memories with you and the rest of the family.

Lots of love,

Ellie xx

P.S. I know my name isn’t Ellie, don’t worry I haven’t changed it, it’s just for anonymity purposes!

Letter Writing Challenge – 5

Day 5 — Your dreams

I’m not sure if it means dreams as in while you’re asleep or dreams as in things you want to do in life, so I’ll do both.

 

Dear Dreams,

Why are you so weird? Why do you scare me, make me happy, make me sad? Why are you there? Why do I sometimes remember you and sometimes not? Why do you haunt me with memories of my past?

I don’t understand how you work. Sometimes you’re based on memories, I can understand that – you come from things that have happened, but what about the strange ones? Where do you come from? When you’re in places I’ve never been in real life, and then it turns out the real place is just like you showed me? And that time when I was younger, how did you predict the future? How did you know just what that poet was going to say? Why did you show me that? I can’t remember it now, I don’t think it was anything super amazing or special, but I knew what he was going to say, because you showed me it about a week before.

I’m going to sleep now, please be good tonight. Don’t haunt me, don’t scare me, don’t make me cry. Be nice, I’ll like you much better that way.

Love Ellie xx

~ ~

Dear Dreams,

I hope you come true. There’s so much I want to do, so much I want to achieve – well you know that! I have high expectations of myself, you know that too. I know there’s a lot of you, and some of you are very serious, some a bit silly, and some very unlikely, but I hope I meet you all – when (if) you come true.

Above all else, my dream is to make a difference. It doesn’t have to be a big difference in the scheme of things, but I want to change people’s lives (for the better), I want to help people, care for them, I want to be that person who makes everything okay – because there isn’t a person like that in my life. (Well, boyfriend is pretty good at making things okay, but even he can’t fix everything.)

I’m scared I’ll never meet you dreams, that you’ll never become a reality. Then what? I’ve failed. I can’t deal with that. I need to achieve everything, I need to make a difference, I can’t fail. You’re the part of life that makes things worth it – because if you come true then I’ll be “fixed”, I’ll be happy, I’ll be helping people, I’ll be looking after elephants, getting married and having my own family, I’ll be travelling round the world, I’ll be writing, I’ll be a psychologist and fluent in German, I’ll be everything I want to be. So as long as there’s a chance that you’ll come true, I’m going to keep going, keep trying, keep working, keep hoping.

Please dreams, work with me here, I just want to meet you.

Love Ellie xx

Letter writing challenge – 21

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Dear Owl*,

I am very sorry to be writing this, and incredibly embarrassed. I am a pretty openminded person generally, however I have to admit that initially I did “judge a book by its cover” in your case.

I met you on my first day of university – you were (and still are) one of my housemates. When I saw you walk in with your (dyed) blonde straightened hair and branded clothing, and a mum who seemed to do everything you wanted, I did think we would be unlikely to get on, and that you would be studying something that wasn’t academic, and that you would be incredibly spoilr.

This sounds so shallow and nasty, but the letter challenge told me to write this. The truth is the world is based on first impressions and people judge – rightly or wrongly based on these. Within a few hours of knowing you I discovered that you study Computer Science… COMPUTER SCIENCE? I was very surprised, I did not expect someone like yourself to study this subject, and (again I am embarrassed to admit) I expected computer science students to be very geeky and not very sociable… I know that this is an unfair stereotype. After a year of knowing you, and having met some of your comsci friends, I know that the stereotype is not true, and will try in future not to make these stupid prejudgments!

I have found that although you are into your make up, fashion and shows such as Made in Chelsea and Geordie Shore, you are also pretty intelligent, and a very lovely person! I am so glad that in this case my first impression was wrong, and we do get along. In fact we are now living together again (having chosen who we live with this time!) and I couldn’t be happier that I’m living with you, footballer and geog!**

I have found that at times you can act spoilt, but I guess a lot of people are at times, and you are an only child so I guess it’s not that surprising. This year (so far – it’s only been a week) I feel that you’ve grown up anyway, you are being more cautious with money (well…except the shopping) but you’re not expecting people to do stuff for you or asking mummy and daddy for everything like I had initally suspected. Well, I’ll put my hands up…I was wrong. And for once, I’m glad I’m wrong.

Truth be told, I was expecting you to be more like H. She is also blonde hair, lots of make up and computer science, however she lacks the intelligence you have, and has a shallow personality too. She’s one of those barbie girls. I know you’re friends with her, although even you are becoming annoyed with her at times! For example expecting to go on that holiday for free!!*** Anyway, that’s off topic – back to the point!!

I’m sorry I judged you based on appearances and first impressions. I wonder if you did too. I wonder what people’s first impressions of me are…

Lots of love,

Ellie**** xx

The moral of the story is the typical “don’t judge a book by its cover”, but also sometimes you will find your first impressions were completely wrong, and you may just end up living with someone you thought you wouldn’t like!!

 

*Owl shall be added to my “who I write about” page soon! And her name is because she likes owls – duh! 😛

**Geog shall also be added to the list, although hopefully with a better name!!

*** L and W (2 of H’s housemates) were in a relationship and booked a holiday together, before the holiday they split up, so obviously didn’t want to go together… awkward whale!! So H wanted to go with L instead, however expected W to pay for her to go anyway, as it was just going to waste otherwise!! Cannot believe this girl!

****I have decided I shall now just use Ellie as my name on here (Thanks to Bourbon for this! :D) and I hope Wee Gee doesn’t mind me using her asterisks…they’re very useful! 😛

Letter writing challenge – 25

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Dear P,

I know things are really hard for you at the moment. I’ve tried to be there for you, but you rarely reply. I know you’re busy with W*, and that you’re struggling with social anxiety and depression but if you push people away how can we be there for you?

I’m so sorry to hear that your mum is in hospital. I’m thinking of you and your family, and I really hope and pray that she gets better. I know you have too much to deal with at the moment but hold on.

You have people around you that care about you. I know F** tried to overdose, but she didn’t manage to – she’s still here. She’s still your best friend and she’s there for you, just like you are for her. I hope C*** is supporting you through these hard times – everything bad seems to have come at once.

Try to find joy in your life, you still have W and C, and your mum will make it, I can feel it. I hope your dad has recovered now too, I know he was in hospital too recently. Such a lot to deal with, I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could take all this pain away from you. I wish I could fix it all for you.

You probably forget I exist most of the time. We’ve barely spoken since college, and besides your attendance was appalling! (Ok, so you were pregnant at the time so I guess that’s a decent excuse!) I saw you this summer and it was so nice to catch up, and to see how much W has grown in just a year!

I hope your doctors are giving you the help you need. You are on antidepressants, but you think, and I also think that you might be bipolar instead. I hope your referral comes through quickly and that they’re able to help you.

I’m so sorry that life has dealt you a shitty hand at the moment. Things will get better, keep hoping and believing, and remember I am always there for you if you need me, or if you just want to talk. We suffer from many of the same symptoms (tiredness, depression, anxiety, sometimes being scared to leave the house, fear of failure… the list goes on.) We’re not that different, you and I and I miss us being in regular contact.

I’ll keep trying, and keep hoping for you. Things will improve, there is hope!****

Lots of love

Anxious Elephant

*her baby

**her best friend

*** her boyfriend and W’s dad

**** borrowed this phrase from Buckwheats risk!