It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Everyone seems to be winding down for Christmas…

There was a Christmas Market at the university on Friday, I’m going to numerous Christmas meals, and in less than a week I will be home*, but…

I have so much to do before then.

I have 3 exams, and a German portfolio to do this week.

Not to mention the essays I got extensions on (but I might have to leave them until the holidays now)

and everyone else seems to be getting into the Christmas spirit, but I have no time.

And then there’s Christmas presents… I was looking forward to buying presents, but somehow I’m running out of time for my Christmas shopping… This means stress stress stress!

I’ve got to find a Christmas present for Mr Maps by Friday (for Secret Santa), and I can’t think of a single thing I could get him… Plus, the one novelty gift shop that would’ve been my first shop to look in in Lancaster is now gone…

Sorry for the rambling rant. I guess I’ll just have to go full steam ahead for one last week, and then I can breathe a sigh of relief for a month, before it all starts again… (*groans*)

Oh, and how could I forgot? Then there is the ordeal of ACTUAL CHRISTMAS, which is most likely going to be very tiring for me (pretending to be happy) or, if I don’t pretend to be happy, I will be told “cheer up, it’s Christmas” numerous times, before eventually I get angry and leave. I don’t think that second one is an acceptable option, so pretending to be happy it is then!

How is everyone else’s Christmas shopping going? Any recommendations of amazing websites by any chance? 😀

*Well in exactly a week I will be working 8am – 6pm, but hopefully the money will be worth it!

There is hope!*

I don’t know if I believe in God**, or fate or anything that means control is not our own, but sometimes I start to think there must be something that means things turn out right. Whether it’s God, Gods, fate or some other intervention, somehow help has come to me at the perfect time.

Recently I have been feeling extremely low. I have been feeling completely hopeless, and ready to give up. I have been constantly crying and unable to go about my daily life – including missing some uni, and definitely not doing enough work.

Yesterday I had a voicemail from the NHS about making an appointment. When I rang back, no one seemed to know anything about it, and I was told someone would ring me later.

They did, and it was bad news. The woman said that I am on the waiting list for CBT counselling, but it will probably be at least February until I can see someone. All my hopes were in tatters. Emotionally and physically drained, this was not the news I had been hoping for.

But…

Today the woman who left a voicemail rang back, and this time I was there to answer. She gave me some different and exciting news…

I will be going to have an assessment session with her NEXT WEEK, with a view to starting CBT straight after the Christmas Holidays.

This is just the news I needed to keep going for these last 2 weeks of term. I am not sure whether CBT will help me, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, but at least SOMETHING is happening (at last!)

So despite the fact that I’ve stayed home from uni today because I was feeling so awful this morning (mentally), AND the fact that I’ve got a migraine, a cold and am aching, I’m feeling a lot more hopeful than I have been recently.

I’ll keep you updated 🙂

*As a certain someone always says 😉

**I hope this is not offensive. I want to believe in God, and I would like to restore my faith, things like this do help.

Apologies again

I will probably not be around much for the next week, as things in Ellie land are crazily busy…

I have exams, coursework deadlines, and of course the dreaded JCR campaign, but I promise I’ll catch up after this week!

Who knew 2nd year would be so much busier!!!?

Hope everyone is well 🙂 ♥

Gahhhhhhhh

This is not good. Ellie is having bad and unproductive thoughts today 😦

1. I am rubbish at everything so there’s no point in trying.

2. I am fat. Fat and ugly. Yuck.

3. I have lots of work to do, but I’m too stupid to do any of it.

4. I want to eat lots of chocolate and nice things, but that will make 2 worse!

5. I won’t be good enough to go to Germany in August.

6. I am a failure.

7. I can’t seem to do anything right/get anything finished… I STILL haven’t finished that important post, AND I haven’t finished my Brilliant Blog Award post (because I can’t think of 7 things I believe in)

~~~

I don’t know why I can’t seem to stop these thoughts coming into my head. They are not helpful at all, and they are making me feel like retreating to a dark room and a duvet.

But there’s no time to hide… I have an essay and a directed review to do for Psychology and I have to prepare for my German translation test on Monday, and there’s just so much to do…

I went to the gym today. It was good because it woke me up, and it was nice to spend time with Owl.  But I’m finding myself comparing myself to other people (including Owl) and they are just so much thinner and better looking than me… 😦

But in other news, Ellie is doing an experiment on herself.

This experiment involves running for a JCR position!*

That will involve getting out of my comfort zone:

1. Campaigning – I have to make posters, flyers etc.

2. Talking to people – I am going to go round to lots of the houses on campus to ask them to vote for me!

3. Doing a speech in front of people!!!! – This is the majorly scary thing. I don’t do public speaking, I’m awful at it.

4. I might not win (there are 2 other people going for the same position) which would mean dealing with FAILURE!

Whilst this is a pretty radical thing to do, I would really like to be on the JCR (just not the path to get there!) so I’m going to give it my best shot.

The timing really isn’t ideal. But time doesn’t wait for anyone, including Ellie, so “The show must go on!”

Wish me luck!!!

*The JCR is a group of students who help run the college, and includes roles such as President, Wellfare officer, Communications officer and social secretaries.

Elephant of the week (& there’s an elephant at the gym!)

Getting pulled a bit off course again… all the work is piling up and Ellie just wants to hide in bed and cry… no time for that though! Here is this week’s elephant of the week!!

gymelephantgymelephant2

These cool elephant chairs (for kids) are at the gym at Lancaster University! I saw them, and thought I’ve GOT to use these as elephants of the week! Especially because it should act as a reminder to myself to GO TO THE GYM!

I’ve decided I really need to sort myself out… Lately I’ve put on a bit of weight and I don’t like it! So there’s only one thing for it…a change in Ellie’s lifestyle, that involves more of the gym and less of Cadburys Chocolate! (Although it’s easy to see which I’d prefer!)

This could well be a side effect of the medication, but hopefully a healthy diet and exercise will get rid of the unwanted flab! If not, it’s time to toddle back to the doctors and ask to change…

 

I’ve decided…

I’m going to write a book!!

Now I just have to think of what to write…

(This is Ellie’s great idea of the day, and may also be considered procrastination due to the disgusting levels of coursework I should be doing…)

Now, back to the lab report… (fun fun fun!)

 

Yoyo

Warning: This post may not/does not make sense. I’d be surprised if anyone can follow my crazy train of thought here…you’ve been warned! (I’m strange.)

Up and down like a yoyo. That’s how I feel at the moment!

2 weeks ago I took myself to the doctors for an emergency appointment because I was feeling incredibly low and I was scared of what I might do.

1 week ago, I saw a doctor who changed my medication. I was still feeling very low.

Today I am feeling good great… I feel like I can do this (life), and not only can I do this, I can do it well! I feel like I can take on anything, and my mind is full of ambitious ideas. I am trying to stop myself, because I know if I take on too much I’ll get stressed/down again…but I just have so many ideas right now!!

I’ve been to the gym today (AND yesterday,) which is a long way from the last few weeks when I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything, let alone self-inflicted physical exercise!

It’s such a big change, and I feel so good. I don’t want the down to come, it probably will, but I’m hoping (fingers crossed) that the good mood is here to stay, and I’m miraculously getting better!!

I’ve also decided to start a journal-type-thing. I have a pretty notebook that I’ve never written in (because it’s pretty so I didn’t want to ruin it,) but I came to the conclusion that it’s a notebook – it’s meant to be written in! It’s just somewhere to write stuff down…things I think of, ideas, things I have to do. I often think of stuff and then end up forgetting if I don’t write it down, especially writing ideas (for poems, blog posts – whatever) I think I shall call it my Book of Stuff!!

Pretty notebook

pretty notebook

This notebook was a present from one of my best friends (at the time.) Sadly, I never hear from her these days – I did try to keep in contact, she just doesn’t reply anymore. Apparently we (my friends and I) aren’t important enough parts of her life to care about these days! But anyway, it’s really pretty, and you can’t really see but it has a flap which has a magnet in to open/close it (see pic on right) and it looks more shiny in real life! I have an absurd number of notebooks! Maybe that’s an idea for a post! *Writes in “The book of Stuff”*

So in other news, I’m starting to plan my year abroad. I have to decide if I want to study, work or be a language assistant in a school. At the moment I’m leaning towards being a language assistant, because I don’t think I’d be able to get a job in the field I want (working with people with mental illness) and I definitely do not want to study fulltime out there (I’ve spent my entire life studying – time for a year off!) Also, the money will be nice (from a job or being a language assistant.)

I’m going to try and find out whether it would be possible to do some volunteering while I’m there, as it would be good experience for my CV (when I finally apply to do a clinical psychology doctorate) and also I just like helping people, and it’s always nice meeting new people (especially German ones, then I get to practice my atrocious German on them!) I hope it will be possible. It’s really hard to do in England though, so not sure how easy/hard it would be in Germany…(Juliet, any idea about this??)

Busy busy busy. I’m feeling quite hyper right now! It’s strange because I’ve been really tired I’m always really tired. I still feel tired, but hyper at the same time (if that’s even possible!) I think it’s true that doing exercise gives you more energy… strange how that works!

Anyway, time for tea I think! (Wow, I’m becoming Northern – that’s dinner to everyone else!) And then going to German Society to watch a German film (aren’t I cultured?! ;))

Ooo Ooo I forgot, something else to say! It was so lovely!! Last night I went to a halloween party (as a cat) and one of my freshers* was there, and we were talking about something, and somehow got onto the topic of being cute, and then he said “you’re just one of those people that people can’t not like.” It was the nicest thing ever!! Especially considering I often worry that people don’t like me (paranoia is a bitch) and/or that everyone hates me.

Anyway, dinner! Hope everyone’s in a good mood too!!

*One of the freshers who I looked after in freshers week

Positives and negatives

So on Monday morning I had my appointment with the community mental health nurse. It was an assessment to see what they can do to help (and if I need help!)

I was really nervous but the man I spoke to was really nice. He listened to me, and when I came out of the appointment I realised I had been in there for about an hour and a half!! On the letter they sent me, it said it would be about 30 – 45 minutes!

I spoke to him about my strange mood swings (which I wrote about here) and he said something along the lines of they are more extreme than normal, but not extreme enough to be bipolar.

I’m glad he actually listened to me about the mood swings, as I have been brushed off before, but the problem is…if they are abnormal, but not extreme enough to be bipolar (and thus treated as such)….what am I meant to do?!

He is going to speak to a colleague about my situation, and said he will ring me next week to speak to me about the next step, which is almost certainly being on a waiting list for counselling.

In a way I was glad, as it means finally something is going to be done, but on the negative side, it probably will be a while before I get any help! (He said it might be February/March before I see someone! :/)

Another negative this week (unrelated) is that I’ve been feeling pretty rubbish… I have a yucky cold, have had herds of migraines, am aching all over, and generally am feeling sorry for myself!

On the positive side… I’m having a girly film night with a couple of friends tonight, and I might excuse myself early and get an early night (hopefully this will help!)

Other news is that I’ve now got to start planning my year in Germany!! (eeeek!!) It’s really scary! I will (probably) be working in a school as an English Language Assistant, and possibly enroll in a university/do an evening class or something while I’m out there too. I’m not sure if this is positive or negative…I’m excited in a way, but realllly nervous…not sure which is bigger at the moment! (Probably the fear actually)

Also, you may have noticed I’ve been posting sporadically recently… I have been very busy so haven’t been able to post regularly, but then sometimes I get the urge to write lots and end up posting several times on one day! Hoping to settle down into more of a routine (in general life) and make time for blogging, but with moods all over the place sometimes I don’t feel like blogging (although I have been pretty much been keeping up with reading blogs!)

How’s everyone’s week going? Positives and negatives? (I hope there’s more positives!!!)

Blah – Stream of thoughts

Trigger warning: Very negative post, talk about suicidal feelings. Sorry if you read this. It’s really just my rubbish messed up thoughts.

I feel rubbish.

That’s what I tell my parents. No more really, and always the same. “I feel really rubbish today” “why” “I don’t know.”

And I wonder why they can’t help?

It’s just that I don’t want them to worry. If they knew everything they would. They probably already do.

I’m worried.

Today I realised (again) that I’m not doing well. I had booked a doctors appointment, realised I couldn’t make it, so called up to change it.

I put down the phone, and realised I’d double booked myself again. That is not like me.

I’m making mistakes I don’t make. I’m stressing.

Anxious. On edge.

Can’t keep still. Can’t concentrate. Zone out of conversations. Can’t pay attention.

So tired. In my statistics seminar I wrote “18” instead of “81”, realised and corrected it. When I looked again, my correction still read “18” not “81”.

I don’t make these mistakes.

I went to the doctors to give them a letter.

I was on edge. About the letter. About the appointment.

Cancelled the appointment (the new one)

The woman was nice. She saw I was a mess. She made me an emergency appointment for today. I saw the doctor.

Different doctor. Better than doctor O, but a man. Not that that’s a problem. I just. I don’t know, I feel like I would find it easier with a female doctor.

Made an appointment with the mental health team for next week. Nervous. Scared. Are they just going to put me on another list?

Why can’t I cope? Everyone else can?

It’s hard to believe me. Is this depression real? Am I making it up? From the outside it doesn’t exist.

I finished last year with a 1st. My attendance was pretty good, and on the surface most people only ever see me happy/okay.

But I’m not. That’s the thing. And no one can see it. I trivialise everything so people don’t worry. “I’m fine” “I’m ok” “I’ll be alright” “I’ll feel better tomorrow”

None of it’s true. It’s exhausting keeping this act up.

I want to die. I’m sorry but that’s true.

Or more to the point. I want to stop feeling pain. I want to feel nothing. I don’t aim for happiness anymore, just no pain.

Come on Ellie, pull yourself together. You have to do this. You have to succeed. You have to prove you can do it.

Otherwise he was right about you. Just a failure. You can’t do it. You need him. You are weak, pathetic.

He wins. Depression wins. Anxiety wins. And you lose.

~

Everything is detached.

Thoughts.

Feelings.

Not detached from me, detached from each other.

My brain is frazzled after today.

Long day. Lots of learning. Lots of emotion.

I am tired. Sleep, because that’ll fix everything… yeah right.

A brand new start

So tomorrow (well technically it’s today now!) is the first day of my second year of university. I am sad to say that I have to be in at 9am!! :O This means waking up at 7:15 so I can be ready to leave at 8:15 (just in case buses are packed!)

I’m scared terrified.

The what ifs are starting already… What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t keep up? What if I don’t do well? What if I don’t know anyone in my lab class/seminar groups? What if…

I’m fairly sure I’ve taken too much on (again.) At the moment I feel like doing nothing. I stayed in bed until 4:30pm today…
I just want to die at the moment.* I feel like I’ve fallen even further and somehow I’m in this downwards spiral that I can’t climb out of. What am I going to do?

I wanted this year to be so different, a brand new start – turn over a new leaf. I can’t see it changing though. Not now anyway.

I wanted it to be fun. I wanted to do EVERYTHING. I’ve joined a few societies, I was a freshers rep, I’m going to join the gym, I’m on the exec for a society, I was thinking of going for JCR, I wanted a job, and to do volunteering, and to help with cubs…

It’s all too much, it’s just when I feel good I feel like I can do EVERYTHING, and when I feel bad I feel like I can do NOTHING, so really it’s a lose-lose situation. 😦

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, but I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to carry on catching up with reading blogs (I’m getting behind again – sorry!) and do some writing (haven’t been doing much of that either – sorry!) I want to write a post of my “new year’s resolutions” – as in new academic year of course!

I just want to be okay. I could deal with that. Happy would be great but maybe asking too much – okay would be a compromise…How about that?

I’m still waiting to hear back from the mental health team up in Lancashire as stupid Doctor Orr gave them my wrong address so I didn’t reply about the appointment, and thus got discharged. Hopefully the waiting list won’t be too long…

Now it’s 12:30am, and I guess I’d better try and get some sleep. Unbelievably, despite only getting up at 4:30pm, I am still tired. Yuck!

*I’m not going to do anything, so no one worry!