Trying to learn to love myself

I am meant to be learning to love myself. I really don’t, but I am trying to learn.

My self confidence is poor. The problem is I get sucked into it very easily, as it’s my default. For example, I emailed my manager about some training, did some research on options and sent it on to her. She responded asking if I think it’s what we need as she’s not sure (because she’s not the one working on this topic). I read this as “you are wrong” and start doubting myself. I have since spent a lot of time doing more research of different options and spoken to other colleagues who agreed that the training would be useful. And yet it took me absolutely ages to type up this email explaining why it would be useful to send back to my manager.

My self-confidence is so fragile that the tiniest thing can shatter it. I’ve got it in my head at the moment that I am seen as the least capable staff member in my team. I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t know if anyone thinks that. I am scared that my manager thinks I’m crap.

I really struggle to be positive about myself even though I know I have reasons to be sometimes. I am constantly comparing myself to others or wondering (and assuming) what others think of me. I am not assertive and I really struggle to stand up for myself. The slightest perceived rejection and I back right down.

This is something I need to work on! In my Bullet journal I added a new section for this week – learn to love yourself. I’m making a conscious effort as my therapist suggested that I start writing something about myself that I like every day. It’s really hard. I find myself writing things like “I like my dress” but actually, that’s not about me because I like the dress rather than how I look in it.

It’s much easier for me to write a list of things I hate about myself. I wish I wasn’t so negative about myself. I think this self-criticism is so natural to me that I sort of assumed everyone was like that… I sort of thought “normal” people are self deprecating and see themselves negatively… apparently that’s not true. Apparently there are people that can see the positives as well as the negatives, (there are obviously those people who only see their positives, but that’s a whole other topic on narcissism which I’m not going into today!) and who might actually see themselves as worthy people. Who knew?!

Love,

Ellie xx

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