S came to Germany and it was nice. We talked a lot about everything and he said he does want to be there for me. He said sometimes it’s too much for him to deal with all my problems as well as his. That’s true, I haven’t been fair, and I’m glad he was honest about this.
I’ve decided to start writing a journal again. It’s good to let my feelings out and that way maybe S won’t have to deal with everything. I searched for the right book to use as a journal, and then I remembered I have one with lots of elephants on, perfect. I never wanted to write in it before because I didn’t know what to write. I didn’t want to ruin it. But journals are for writing in, so I’m going to write in it. And maybe it will help. I know it was helpful in the past for me to write stuff down, I just got lazy and started missing days, and then eventually I never wrote anymore.
It’s important to write without boundaries, if I censor myself there’s no point. No one else is going to read it anyway. I need to write honestly, and I need to figure things out. I have a long way to go before full recovery and I have decided I am going to ask for a re-referral to the counselling services when I get back to uni.
Anger is probably the biggest issue now. I can’t deal with it at all.
And I still have these flashback moments. And I can’t not react, it just happens.
The other day S grabbed me and I completely freaked out. I was scared of him. I was back in the past and it all seemed so real. I guess that’s the PTSD symptoms which are in my diagnosis.
We were arguing which is triggering enough. But as soon as that happened and I started panicking, we stopped. S said sorry about a million times. I know that it wouldn’t be a big thing to most people but it really scared me. He said he should’ve known, he shouldn’t have done it. I know he wouldn’t hurt me but it brought back memories. Real fear.
I know I over react to stuff but I can’t do anything else. I’m not in control of these reactions.
I flew back to Germany yesterday and I’m meant to be working on my essays today but I can’t concentrate. I can’t think and I have no motivation. This is all too familiar. I know I have to do it. Just a bit at least. Time is going to run out if I carry on like this, and then I’ll be even more stressed. I know what this degree means to me and I don’t want to mess it up. But handing in nothing is worse than handing in something that’s not very good. I know that. I’m telling myself, just do it. Just get it done. I know I’ll feel better once it’s done. Just a case of getting started. Come on.
How can some parts of me be so driven and full of ambition, and others just want to give up on everything and just do nothing?
I hope I’ll have a more positive post to write soon,
Lots of love,