I realised I really don’t like myself. I hate myself in fact.
I knew this before but I’m realising that even though everything else is good in my life, these issues aren’t going to go away by themselves. No one else can make me like myself, I have to learn to. But how?
At school this week I’ve had a couple of lessons by myself, (as in without a teacher being there as well) and it wasn’t good. They don’t listen to me, they are loud and they don’t work. They have a test on Friday but they still think it’s ok to throw things around the classroom and make loads of noise. I bloody hate teenagers. Teaching is not for me, final conclusion on that one. On a brighter note (although it didn’t seem funny at the time), on Monday 2 kids hid in a cupboard for 25 minutes of my lesson without me noticing. At the time I just felt so stupid and like the most rubbish teachery-type-person in the world, but I guess in retrospect it is quite funny.
S is coming to Germany on Saturday and instead of being excited, I’m mostly scared. I am looking forward to seeing him of course, but my mind is full of what ifs. What if things are different? What if he doesn’t feel the same anymore? What if he’s not attracted to me anymore? What if, what if, what if.
And I know it’s stupid. It doesn’t help anyone, least of all me to do this to myself but I don’t know how to stop. I am disgusted with myself and yet I don’t do anything about it. But how can I?
I don’t know how to like myself. I feel ugly, stupid, unwanted.
I’m always on the edge. I still think people are only there because they feel sorry for me. That’s not ok. And it’s probably not even true but I still think it. I’m just worth nothing. That’s how I feel. I’m not good enough in any way.
So yeah, still got issues.
Lots of love,