I am very angry.
This is not a new epiphany, but one I am reminded of every so often. It bubbles under the surface, and normally doesn’t rise. But then it does. And it always appears to be an over reaction.
But what people don’t understand is that I’m not absolutely fuming with rage because I missed my train, it’s because of everything I’ve ever been angry about. Ok, maybe not everything, but a lot.
I don’t deal with anger well. I don’t deal with anger “normally” either. I tend to lash out at those closest to me, that’s not abnormal though. I think most people do, when they’re angry about a lot of things. The anger gets displaced and taken out on the wrong person (usually S if I’m honest.) And I know it’s not right and it’s not fair but I don’t know how to change.
And when I get angry, I get SO angry. I will end up saying horrible things and bringing up past arguments that aren’t relevant. But that’s because I hold onto everything, I can’t let it go. And so in my head, it’s all connected. If he did x, y and z wrong a year ago, and he then does something else (a) now, I feel like he doesn’t care. Because if he did, he wouldn’t have done x, y, z and a. But it’s stupid. Because people make mistakes, and quite often these things that I get annoyed about aren’t rational things to be bothered by.
I’m constantly ready to tip over the edge. And then I do, and we argue. And I cry. And I apologise, and it’s ok for a while. But I hate arguing, it terrifies me. Because every time me and the ex used to argue, he would always threaten to break up with me, threaten to tell someone something… and so I spent (and still spend) much of my life apologising, sometimes for things that aren’t even my fault. Every time we argue (S and I), it freaks me out, and I think that we aren’t going to be ok anymore. He says that couples argue, it’s normal. But I can’t get the past out of my head and so it still scares me. We don’t normally argue, not properly. But being away is hard and we’ve argued more this year because of that, and being away I don’t even have him to comfort me when I am sad. Sometimes it’s hard.
And the weird thing is, when I’m angry, like really really angry… I cry. And people think I’m upset, but I’m not, I’m angry. It just all builds up, and there’s so much anger and emotion, and I can’t deal with it so it ends up with me crying like a little girl. Not the effect you want when you’re trying to argue with someone.
I need to deal with my anger, that’s the crux of this. It all comes back to things with the ex. I was never allowed to be angry, it was always MY fault. And the anger was displaced, onto myself. And it was stored up inside me, so at any time I had a whole host of things to criticise myself about. I have never dealt with the anger I feel about everything that happened, I didn’t know how and now I supress it all and try and forget everything. But I can’t (of course I can’t.) So I think when I get back to England, more counselling is needed. Until I deal with this anger, I’m never going to be able to react to anger in a normal way. And it’s an important thing, dealing with anger.