I feel like I’m slipping. The lovely safety of feeling stress-free is disappearing and I am clinging onto my new, happier life as best as I can.
But I’m terrified of going back there. And the more scared I am, the more anxious I feel. And the more anxious I feel, the more I want to isolate myself and do nothing, and this all brings my mood down, and then BAM depressed again.
But this time I know how it works. This is the cycle of my mood, and that is how it COULD end up if I follow the cycle. But what if I don’t. What if I stop at stress. Ok, so I’m feeling a bit stressed. So I can have a day to myself – to watch films, unwind, maybe Skype people from home. But I will not isolate myself, I will not let myself hide (for long anyway.) I will make a to do list and try and break it into small things. Small things are easily done, it’s the big tasks that seem daunting. But every big task can be broken into little tasks, and suddenly it doesn’t seem so bad or scary.
But there’s some things I can’t do anything about. For example, I know my mood heavily relies on my relationship with S. But he’s not coming to visit this term, and I’m not going home again until Easter. So when I next see him, I won’t have seen him for 12 weeks. 3 months is a long time, to me anyway. And it’s hard. But I can’t do anything about it. And now he’s going back to work I will speak to him less, and I’ve got a busy month of travelling weekends coming up so there won’t be as much time to Skype… And somehow I find myself breaking into tears as I’m writing this. And there we go, I’ve found out why I’m feeling down. But what do you do when there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it? Who knows. I’ll get back to you on that one if I figure it out.
I don’t think it’s healthy that my mood relies on him so much. But I also don’t know how to change it. They say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else but I don’t think that’s true. Despite all the improvements in my mood, and changing my ways of thinking I still can’t see myself positively – I guess that’s something still to be worked on.
How can I feel numb and hurt at the same time? That empty feeling that has been gone for a while has come back. And I want it to go away again. I was doing so well. I just want to prove I can do it.
I know everyone has down days. But it’s when the down days start getting more frequent that you have to watch out. And all I can do is a deal with it as best as I can.