So I know I said the next post would be on “staying out of the hole”, but seeing as today I’m not feeling very positive, I’ll save that for another day and instead write about something else today.

I have been feeling much better for the last few months. A lot of the time I would say I have been happy, been able to concentrate, enjoy things, etc etc – in other words I have been able to function properly and normally. And that’s great but sometimes there are days like today.

Today was supposed to be a productive day. I was going to go for a run and write some of my essay. It’s 2:45 now and I’ve done nothing. I’ve watched “Outnumbered” on iplayer, played some games on my ipad and eaten breakfast. That’s it. And I know I have to write those essays. I know I need to get fit. But I don’t have the motivation today.

And it raises the question, today: is it a down day? Or am I just being lazy? Am I just using the depression as an excuse to do nothing. I was fine yesterday, I have done some work for these essays already, but not a lot. Because let’s be honest, no one wants to write an essay at all, let alone on a Sunday when there are lots of other, less productive things to do!

Today I don’t want to do anything. I feel blah. Today is a down day. And that’s ok, everyone has down days. But having learnt to take care of myself a bit better, and trying not to be so hard on myself, I’m questioning whether I need to just make myself do these things, or whether actually I’m feeling low because the depression is still there, even if a lot milder than it used to be.

I don’t want to use it as an excuse. Because I’ve been at the place where I genuinely cannot do anything because I’m that depressed. So am I just making excuses to myself? Am I being lazy? Is the lack of motivation the same as a “normal” person gets, or is it as a result of depression? I don’t know where the boundaries between “normal” and “depressed” lie. I don’t know which feelings are “normal” and which aren’t anymore.

Although truth be told, as much as things are better and I am a lot more “well”, when I think about things my ways of thinking are still often negative. I think that people don’t like me, or I don’t deserve the good things in life. Does it even matter if I’m properly “well” as long as I’m functioning? I don’t know.

And is it all going to crack under the pressure once I get back to uni? Is that why I’m better this year – no coursework, no exams, no deadlines. I work 12 hours a week, it’s not exactly strenuous, and every weekend (3 day weekends) I go somewhere, I do something. This is not “normal life”. And I am enjoying it but the what ifs are still there. What if I’m not ok afterwards? What if I can’t get back into uni life? What if, what if,  what if…. I’m starting to panic about all the things I’ve got to do, even though a lot of them are small, and I have still got a lot of time for many of them (like these essays, not due until July – but there’s 4 of them, and they’re in German…) I don’t want to stress myself out again. I know it makes me ill. I feel like there’s too much and not enough time and I just need to break it all down but instead I’m burying in my head in the sand and doing nothing. As if that’s going to help!

I’m really just typing what I’m thinking so sorry if it doesn’t make that much sense. I hope my motivation comes back soon!!


2 thoughts on “Excuse?

  1. Bourbon says:

    I think everyone needs days where they can jus deflate and slowly recuperate. I don’t see it as you using depression as an excuse. I see it actually as you being perfectly “normal” and just needing some time to relax! I think as humans, in the kinda world we live in, we have to stick our necks out on the line and allow ourselves this necessity 🙂 xxx

  2. muddyrain says:

    I’m exactly the same. EXACTLY the same. I’m not anxious or depressed most of the time, though I do have days where I beat myself up and I can’t let go replaying something negative that I think happened (‘m so stupid, no one likes me, people laugh at me or hate me). But every day is a struggle with finding my motivation, my inner fire. I don’t seem to have any. I can’t get started.

    I google why am I so… idle, lazy, stupid… but find no answers.

    I’m at my happiest sitting in the garden with the sun on my face, lazing at the beach with a friend, or pottering around the house doing the garden, or making my own bodycare products. I love meditating, drawing, googling.

    I’m at my most unhappy when I feel pressure to do something. To finish an essay that I don’t want to write, or getting up for an appointment when I don’t want to go. The biggest stressor for me was working full time. The sound of the alarm clock filled my entire being with terror. Having to go off somewhere to be productive for the whole day, day after day, with it’s set activities and regular schedule and no time for myself was just killing me. I didn’t care enough about money, and progressing up the ladder, nor was I ruthless enough to ‘make it’ in my chosen field. Amongst all of my colleagues only I could see the benefit of working less hours and having more LIFE outside the office.

    Once I gave up work, I was fine. My life was my own again. I had TIME again (I didn’t have money, but… that’s another story… 🙂

    I don’t think you’re ill or depressed just because you don’t like the pressure you feel. Our modern lives are full of pressure and stress, and everyone is trying to cope with that in their own way – escaping into drink or drugs or porn or work, or by finding themselves ill or depressed or having mental health problems. We live artificial lives lit by artificial light. We eat artificial food, and drink chemical infused water. There’s nothing about our current society that is real life as nature intended. We’re all constantly told that we’re not beautiful enough, thin enough, rich enough. Always lack. Never enough. And we’ve lost our connection to nature, to community, to ourselves.

    That you don’t want to write a pointless (at a fundamental level) essay, in a foreign language, for what, really? is NATURAL! REALLY! Why would you be thinking anything else? And going for a RUN – why? For heavens sake? Our ancestors didn’t just go for a RUN – unless they were escaping a danger. It’s only modern society telling you, you should RUN to keep fit. Seriously, of course you don’t want to run. Nike will tell you to run, and the billion dollar fitness industry, because they want you to be a productive consumer of it. If you don’t run (keep fit) you won’t buy training shoes. But nature isn’t telling you to run, you body isn’t asking you to run. You’re quite happy and content on the sofa watching a TV show, so why aren’t you accepting of that? Because you feel the pressure of ociety telling you that you MUST go for a RUN!

    If uni isn’t for you, it isn’t for you. Plenty of people on this planet didn’t even finish high school, and they’re still living productive lives. Again, you feel like you HAVE to go to uni, because that’s what is done in our society.

    Conversely, I bet you feel excited and eager to do the things you love doing, right? There ARE things that get you excited and fired up? (But these things are not considered by society as important and so you feel guilty about doing them). If we were all happy and less stressed and more in line with how we were supposed to be living I don’t believe we’d have half the problems we do. And trying to fit into ‘normal’ is just like chasing your own tail. Don’t do it! B ‘abnormal’. Be yourself! Do the things that make you happy and fire you up in your own way!

    How to find that is the difficulty because society doesn’t want you to be, what it considers, ”less productive”. It wants you to be a slave, to work more hours, yet be paid less and suffer more. Modern wage slaves, vs’ our old hunter gatherer ancestors – who really had the best lives? Who really were the most happy and healthy? Who had community and free time and ate whole foods free from the land? (They try to tell us that their lives were short hard and brutal, but most ethnographic evidence or ‘modern’ primitive societies suggests that that wasn’t the case at all!)

    I believe that if you can escape the current system, with all it’s expectations and pressures, you’ll find that instead of beating yourself up because you’re not ‘enough’, you’ll begin to celebrate instead. Us people don’t belong in the rat race. We belong in nature. We belong observing and enjoying life. We should be celebrated as poets and artists, not berated because we lack the inner motivation to be a wage slave. Think about the things in life that do motivate you and make a list… you’ll soon realize (like I did) that there’s actually surprisingly a LOT of things that motivate me. And I’m really happy when I’m doing them. – cooking – gardening – bathing in my home made products – It’s just that these things are NOT, going to work day in day out at the crack of dawn monotony boredom pressure and stress.

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