So I know I said the next post would be on “staying out of the hole”, but seeing as today I’m not feeling very positive, I’ll save that for another day and instead write about something else today.
I have been feeling much better for the last few months. A lot of the time I would say I have been happy, been able to concentrate, enjoy things, etc etc – in other words I have been able to function properly and normally. And that’s great but sometimes there are days like today.
Today was supposed to be a productive day. I was going to go for a run and write some of my essay. It’s 2:45 now and I’ve done nothing. I’ve watched “Outnumbered” on iplayer, played some games on my ipad and eaten breakfast. That’s it. And I know I have to write those essays. I know I need to get fit. But I don’t have the motivation today.
And it raises the question, today: is it a down day? Or am I just being lazy? Am I just using the depression as an excuse to do nothing. I was fine yesterday, I have done some work for these essays already, but not a lot. Because let’s be honest, no one wants to write an essay at all, let alone on a Sunday when there are lots of other, less productive things to do!
Today I don’t want to do anything. I feel blah. Today is a down day. And that’s ok, everyone has down days. But having learnt to take care of myself a bit better, and trying not to be so hard on myself, I’m questioning whether I need to just make myself do these things, or whether actually I’m feeling low because the depression is still there, even if a lot milder than it used to be.
I don’t want to use it as an excuse. Because I’ve been at the place where I genuinely cannot do anything because I’m that depressed. So am I just making excuses to myself? Am I being lazy? Is the lack of motivation the same as a “normal” person gets, or is it as a result of depression? I don’t know where the boundaries between “normal” and “depressed” lie. I don’t know which feelings are “normal” and which aren’t anymore.
Although truth be told, as much as things are better and I am a lot more “well”, when I think about things my ways of thinking are still often negative. I think that people don’t like me, or I don’t deserve the good things in life. Does it even matter if I’m properly “well” as long as I’m functioning? I don’t know.
And is it all going to crack under the pressure once I get back to uni? Is that why I’m better this year – no coursework, no exams, no deadlines. I work 12 hours a week, it’s not exactly strenuous, and every weekend (3 day weekends) I go somewhere, I do something. This is not “normal life”. And I am enjoying it but the what ifs are still there. What if I’m not ok afterwards? What if I can’t get back into uni life? What if, what if, what if…. I’m starting to panic about all the things I’ve got to do, even though a lot of them are small, and I have still got a lot of time for many of them (like these essays, not due until July – but there’s 4 of them, and they’re in German…) I don’t want to stress myself out again. I know it makes me ill. I feel like there’s too much and not enough time and I just need to break it all down but instead I’m burying in my head in the sand and doing nothing. As if that’s going to help!
I’m really just typing what I’m thinking so sorry if it doesn’t make that much sense. I hope my motivation comes back soon!!