Memory gaps

For anyone who has been reading my blog for a while, you will know that things weren’t always like they are now, and this time last year things were pretty bad depression-wise.

And at the time it felt horrific, but I’m still realising some of the effects it had on me. I tried to function; I made myself function even when I really couldn’t. But I wasn’t really functioning, I just appeared to be functioning.

Every so often I realise how little I was functioning. I was talking about German grammar with a friend (because I’m cool like that) and I was saying that I hadn’t ever learnt a certain thing, and he said we learnt it at uni last year. I have no recollection of this whatsoever. I missed some uni, but not a lot really. It’s impossible that I missed all of the stuff that I don’t remember learning. There were many lectures and even seminars where I was present but not really present. This became clear when it came to revision, and a lot of it wasn’t revision, but actually reading it for the first time, because I hadn’t taken any of it in in the lectures. I’d be sleeping or just not concentrating. Thinking back I really don’t know how I did it. My grades should have gone through the floor with the lack of concentration and interest, but I started getting better and managed to pull it back when it came to revision I guess.

But it’s not just uni stuff I don’t remember. I realised my memory is terrible now. There is so much missing from my memory; I think back and I just can’t recall anything. It’s mostly the last 5 years that have bits missing, I guess it is my response to everything that happened – block it out. And dissociate because it’s easier than dealing with it. And when things were bad, when I was really low, it’s like my brain couldn’t be bothered to record everything, and just left some bits out. It’s really frustrating that so much of my first two years of uni evades my memory… it’s really strange.

Even writing about this topic I can’t quite find the words I want to say. I am trying to learn the stuff I should’ve learnt before. My German would be so much better by now if I’d taken it in at the time. But better late than never I guess.

Now, back to adjective endings for me 😉

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx


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