Memories and places

I know I am rubbish at keeping up with blogging now. I have too much going on so maybe I should just stop altogether. But today I have something to say, so I’ll say it.

It’s strange how memories can have such a strong hold.

Sometimes when I walk down a certain road, or I’m in a certain place I get flashbacks, just because of the place.

But in Germany I don’t. In Germany I rarely have flashbacks at all, because there are no places to associate with bad memories here. Here I feel safe, I don’t have to be completely on guard all the time. It’s strange but moving away has been the most liberating thing. And now I don’t want to go back to my old life (but I will have to.)

At Christmas when I was feeling worse again I realised it has to be to do with the place. Even as I was on the train from the airport in Germany, I felt more relaxed than I had at home. It’s such a contradiction: the place where my whole life is, where my family, boyfriend and many of my friends are, is also the place where I feel the worst. Best and worst. It’s like an oxymoron.

I am making the most of feeling free here, feeling happy. But at the same time I’m scared, scared of what happens when I go back. Will it open everything up again? I’m too tired to fight it all again, I just want to live my life and leave those memories behind.

I need to make home safe again in my mind. Or maybe I need to move away as soon as I can. (But does running away really help? Sometimes it does…)


3 thoughts on “Memories and places

  1. Jasmine says:

    I experience this a lot – hadn’t thought of the memory association actually but it makes so much sense. I find my solution to everything is always keeping busy, filling my schedule as much as possible when I return somewhere in order to distract myself from… I’m not sure what. And I’m not saying it’s sound advice because I’m sure many would argue it’s just another form of running. But it’s what I do xx

  2. Juliet says:

    I know what you’re talking about…. for me it wasn’t so much flashbacks though but loads of anxiety as soon as I left our house in my old hometown because I could never know who I’d meet by accident. Here, where I live now, that’s no longer the case so I can only recommend moving away although it is a big step.
    But for me it has also got easier to return to my old hometown ever since I moved. Whenever I visit my family over there, I’m way less anxious about going out there than I used to be. It has taken me years though to get to that point.
    Either way I’m sure you’ll find what’s right to you and time will help.
    Take care.Also, it’s good to see you around again. xx

  3. bpnana says:

    I seem to have to deal with flashbacks every day. i currently live right across the street from my mothers’ old apartment, where she lived for two years. She’s passed on 21 yrs. ago, but I ‘m constantly reminded of how much I miss her. It can be debilitating. Glad we’ll be moving as soon as we find a place. xx

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