In every social situation there always seems to be the “popular group”. In Mean Girls, it’s the plastics, and although that’s a very exaggerated example of cliques, it represents real life quite well.
I don’t know how these groups get formed, they always do. At school, at work, and even in my group of English assistants here in Germany, and there’s only about 15 of us.
There is always a popular group. And I am never in it, and never will be either. And I don’t mind most of the time, but sometimes I feel very left out.
And alcohol always makes things worse. I went out the other night with the others, drank some wine, I was having a nice night. And then at one point I ended up on my own, and convinced myself no one cares about me or likes me. And then the drunk crying began (oh dear.)
I know I have friends that care about me, but I feel like I’m always on the edge of a group. I have a big thing about wanting everyone to like me, and that just can’t happen. I feel like other people would always rather spend time with others than me.
And the thing is, this only came out because I was drunk. But I still think it when I’m sober, I just don’t say it.
It’s this massive lack of confidence that keeps tripping me up. I’m doing well most of the time, and then these things start niggling at me, and I work myself back into this cycle of never being good enough, again.
What I would like more than anything else is to feel ok about myself. To not be disgusted by everything about me, to feel like I am good enough. So I guess that’s my aim.
Generally speaking I’m fine though, enjoying walking round excessive numbers of German Christmas markets, because why not? And in a week I’ll be going home for Christmas, to spend time with friends and family, and understand everything I hear instead of having to constantly concentrate on what’s being said, and even then only understanding some of it!!
I know December is a hard time for a lot of people here, so in the run up to Christmas and New year, I wish you all a peaceful and happy time, and hope everyone is doing ok! ♥
Lots of love,