Pondering

What if it’s turning toxic like before?

All I hear is “you’re not good enough” and “no one wants you” but I’m the only one saying it, to myself.

All the anger is still there and it gets taken out on others. It’s not fair.

This anger has to be dealt with. But how? Turning the anger on myself just exhausts me and I still can’t let it out the right way. I’m so angry all the time. It’s got to come out somehow. But safely. Somehow…

Imagine if people had to deal with the consequences of their actions, maybe then they wouldn’t be so evil. Maybe then they’d see what they are doing.

If you say something enough times it might become true. What if that’s true. Stop pushing him away.

But he’s not safe. Never safe.

No one is safe.

I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with people either.

Feeling pretty gloomy.

 

I need to be more independent but I can’t do it. How do I do it?

After a long time of relying on people, the idea seems so crazy.

 

I want to help other people but I know I need to fix myself first.

Fix because I’m broken.

I don’t know how to be normal. I don’t know how to stop this whole thing.

There are so many things I want(ed) to do in life… now I just want to be happy.

Shame it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I’m so tired of fighting

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2 thoughts on “Pondering

  1. stephaniecant says:

    I know how you feel. I blame myself for how I feel too, beating myself up about it and sinking myself into a deeper hole. Someone hurt me very badly, but more so I hurt myself for allowing them to do that to me. I’ve gone from strong to week and everything that near the end of it all, that which was said to me in a moment of anger has stuck with me. I believe it all and it’s made me a mess.

    But I’m seeking help.We’re not alone no matter how much we feel we are and push everyone away.

    Good luck xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thank you for your comment. I’m glad you’re seeking help, and you’re right we are not alone. It’s so unfair that other people’s actions can do this to us, but we will get through it all. Take care and good luck to you too xx

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