So I finally realised that even though S makes me happy, it’s ok and good to be happy without him. Like an epiphany. Other people have probably known this for a long time, but it’s one of those things you need to realise yourself. I need to be happy myself because I can’t always rely on him to be there. This year (year abroad) I have so many opportunities and I really need to take them, and just enjoy the year. I can still be me without him.
I think I never really got that because when I was with the ex he made it so he was all I had. And it was suffocating and controlling but I didn’t know it wasn’t normal. I don’t want to be “S’s girlfriend” I want to be Ellie, who is also S’s girlfriend, and a friend, and a student, and a climber and and and…. And now I’m allowed, and I’m going to allow myself to be me.