Why is it so hard to talk about?

Why is it so hard to talk about the “difficult things”?

I can write about them sometimes. I can plan what I’m going to say, I have the words in my mind but they don’t come to my lips. I can’t say them.

I’ve been having a lot of nightmares recently. Screaming in my sleep again while Footballer was staying. A week or two ago, S said I kept asking where I was, saying I want to be at home (in my sleep.)

A lot of the time I don’t remember the nightmares. Sometimes I wake up scared and don’t know why. Sometimes I just know I had a nightmare, and sometimes they are so vivid. I feel like I’m being haunted by these images. But it’s all too hard to talk about, the words just don’t come out.

The nightmares that week involved the ex. Raping me. And it all felt so vivid.

I was really really scared and anxious for days. I started writing this post not long after the nightmares but I couldn’t find the words time. I eventually managed to tell S that the nightmare involved the ex “making me do stuff.” But that’s as much as I could say, and even that took a long time.

So why can’t I say these difficult things? Like when I’m feeling suicidal, I can’t tell anyone, I just say “I feel low” or “I feel shit.” When in my head I’m screaming “I just want to die!” And when I’m talking about the ex, I can never explain what it was like. I can say he wasn’t nice to me, or that he treated me badly but it’s difficult for me to say more… it’s like I’m ashamed that I let it happen… How messed up is that? He treats me horribly and abuses me, and I’m the one that feels guilty and ashamed?

I try to tell S these difficult things sometimes. Often I just can’t say it, and he doesn’t understand why I’m crying or on edge or scared in the night. Sometimes I end up texting things because I couldn’t say it on the phone. The words stick in my throat and it’s like someone presses mute and I can’t speak anymore.

But I don’t want to be muted.

I have depression and anxiety and it’s hard. Most of the time I don’t look like anything is wrong with me but there is. I am very jumpy and I get scared and upset easily. And it’s not my fault. It is an illness and I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore. These things are just labels and they don’t make me who I am, but they do affect who I am and sometimes I can’t deal with everything that a “normal” person can. I think more needs to be done to raise awareness about mental illness because people don’t understand it – they can’t see it so they think it’s not there.

Since I’ve been writing this blog I have come across a lot of mental health bloggers, all telling their different stories. Sometimes they are difficult to read because people have suffered so greatly, but they are all strong people and we all have things in common so we can support one another. And all of this makes me even more sure that I want to work in mental health. I want to make a difference.

10 thoughts on “Why is it so hard to talk about?

  1. bpnana says:

    Thank you for your post! You are very brave to express your authentic self and this is the great place to do it!! I’ve only been blogging since beginning of August. I hope you’ll continue to share here on your blog, and connect with others on their blogs, where you’ll be accepted for who you are, and not be defined by what you have! Peace of Mind & Love to You! Nana

      • bpnana says:

        Yes, it’s BipolarNana.com. email:bpnana@bipolar.com. I’ve been on Twitter a while but blogging is new. Peace of Mind & Love to You! keep in touch…Nana

      • bpnana says:

        Yes, I do! I’m not very techno savvy, so it’s not too fancy yet, but I’d love for you to check it out at
        BipolarNana.com. and please comment!! Could you also give me a like 4 my Facebook. I have to stay anonymous & only have 2 likes. Stay well & in touch! Love, Nana

      • bpnana says:

        Yes. It’s not fancy. I am working on getting it finished. I’d love a comment, & if you could give me a Like on Facebook, it would help. I am Twittering, Blogging, etc. under a pseudonym & can’t promote my FB like I wish because of it, so feedback would be much appreciated.
        BipolarNana.com & EMail: bpnana@bipolarnana.com Peace of Mind & Love! Nana xx

  2. Jasmine says:

    I understand what you mean. I always feel like if I can articulate something then it’s probably not real. As though being able to put it into words and express it out loud is something only stable, healthy people can do. It doesn’t help that so many people claim to be depressed, which has led to the idea that people who are suffering don’t talk about it. It’s difficult to speak out in the face of that stigma.

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