Sometimes it’s better not to know

What you don’t know can’t hurt you…

Right?

Sometimes knowing can help, sometimes it can make it worse, always it makes things different.

I found out in May that the ex is having a baby with his current girlfriend. It shook me up a bit, and definitely made my path to recovery a bit bumpier, a bit harder.

But that was all I knew. I didn’t know who she is. I didn’t know how many months, or when the baby was due. I didn’t know if it was going to be a girl or boy. And I didn’t want to know.

All I wanted to know is why now? Why is she good enough and I wasn’t?

But I didn’t speak to him about it. I didn’t speak to him at all.

And it’s been in the back of my mind since then. But I didn’t know any details so it wasn’t real (to me.) And I didn’t want to know any more about him or his life now. I had cut him off, severed all ties. I don’t have him on facebook, I don’t talk to him, I don’t text him. I won’t send him a text on his birthday, christmas or new year. Nothing.

And then today I got a text from Artist. She said: Did you know your ex has just had a baby?

And now I know when, and now I know it’s real. And now I know that it’s a girl and was born a few days ago.

I still feel like I don’t deserve that: the relationship, the happy family. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want it now, but one day. And I feel like I’ll never be able to. I’ll never deserve it, I’ll never be good enough.

And he gets it all. He gets to play happy families and ignore all of the stuff that happened in the past. But me, I’m stuck in the past. And one day I’m going to end up losing S because of it. Because I can’t get over what happened with me and the ex, the whole thing was just a toxic mess that I couldn’t escape from. And even now I haven’t fully escaped… in my dreams (nightmares) and in my mind it’s still real (sometimes.) It still scares me.

And then it makes me question whether it all happened at all. Whether it really was “that bad” or whether I’ve gone crazy and imagined it all. Maybe my hatred of him twisted my memories. Maybe the arguments were because I was always doing things wrong… Maybe, maybe, maybe.

All of these thoughts, these questions have been opened up again. All of the memories I have fought so hard to keep away come flooding back.

I am angry and I am hurting. I hate him and I hate myself. I want to speak to him and I don’t. I want to know and at the same time I don’t at all. I want to ask him why I wasn’t good enough, why he treated me like he did, why someone else is good enough to have a baby with and I wasn’t.

But I’m not going to ask him. Because starting contact with him again would never end well. He would try to manipulate me again, try to make me believe he’s a different person now and that things weren’t that bad, that I’m exaggerating. And he’s had enough chances, and he always proved me right. He is not someone I want in my life (again.)

And that’s why sometimes it’s better not to know.

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13 thoughts on “Sometimes it’s better not to know

  1. behindthemaskofabuse says:

    Maybe it’s not a bad thing that your mad, getting angry is a huge part of the healing process. I’m guessing it’s not all happy happy, he’s a narcissist, he will do to her what he did to you, he will do it to his child too. Narcissists don’t change. Maybe a way that will help is you escaped his abuse, and escaped a child facing his abuse. She is probably dealing with it now. I’m sorry it hurts so. xo

    • anxiouselephant says:

      I think you’re right Zoe, A (my CBT therapist) said that I need to learn to deal with the anger instead of suppressing it all the time, she said once I deal with that then things will become a lot easier and I will be closer to recovery. I hope he has changed, I really do. I hope he looks after his girlfriend and treats her right, and I hope he’ll be a good dad and do everything right. Because I don’t want it to happen to anyone else, I don’t want anyone else to deal with all the abuse and pain. But you’re right narcissists don’t change, so as much as I hope he has, he probably hasn’t. Thanks for your support Zoe xxx

  2. Grace says:

    I’m so sorry… I can relate to this sooo much. All my former bullies seem to have the perfect life, etc while I’m this piece of shit. And it’s a tiny world and there is always someone talking about some of them and I just don’t want to know, etc…

    I wish Artist hadn’t told you… but knowledge can never be undone, unfortunately.

    But you know what? Screw them. Screw your ex, his gf and his daughter. I know it hurts, it fucking does. Maybe Zoe is right. Be angry. Scream. Destroy something.But don’t destroy yourself. (Ha. I know how hard all of this is though. Maybe I’m a hypocrite. But all that matters is that you / we learn to somehow let go. Don’t ask me how…)

    If you ever talk to him (I hope you won’t though) I hope it’s just to tell him to go fuck himself.
    xxx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thank you Grace for your support (as always.) I think we perceive their lives to be perfect, but under the surface they probably aren’t.
      It does hurt yes, but my biggest fear is that he will treat them the way he treated me, and he’ll mess up more lives (and somehow it feels like it would be my fault?!) I think I do need to be angry, I need to let it all out and then maybe I can (finally) move on with my life. We will both learn to let go eventually Grace, we’ll both get through all of this!
      Unfortunately I made the mistake of texting him today, but I’m just about to write about that. Silly Ellie!
      xxx

  3. My Mental Stream says:

    I’m pleased that you are not going to get back in contact with your ex over this. You are moving forward. I agree sometimes ignorance is bliss. You deserve all the good things you have said abd you will have them in time. It is just a matter of staying blue course. Big hugs Ellie xxx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      I wish I had stuck to the clever thing to do with this – nothing, but actually I ended up texting him today, I just couldn’t get it out of my head. I’m about to write a post about it which will explain more. Thanks for your support MMS, I hope you are well *hugs back* xxx

  4. Doofus says:

    Hi. I read you blog regularly, and often think of commenting/e-mailing as I relate so much to what you write. You are right to try to move forward, and not to contact him, because it will start the cycle again. Those feelings of “what is wrong with me” and why is he advertising his life as something fantastic, are difficult to deal with, but not trying to find out about his life helps. I know you didn’t ask to know. As my husband says and someone else has implied, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and most people’s lives aren’t as fantastic as they make them out to be. Narcissists don’t change. Look after yourself.

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Hi, thanks for your comment, and I hope maybe my blog can be helpful to you as you relate to what I say. Sadly I made the error of texting him today, which I’m just about to write about, but you’re right it was a bad idea! (oops!) I think you’re right, most people’s lives aren’t the same as they seem on the surface, a lot of people have issues hidden somewhere! xx

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