** Trigger warning **
Feeling very (self)destructive at the moment.
Went to meet some friends for lunch. It was nice but I felt like I was pretending everything is fine.
But my brain is negative negative negative.
Driving back I felt the familiar urges to drive faster, lose control, crash the car. What if I took my seatbelt off? What if I spun the steering wheel? What if I crashed the car?
My mind is racing and I don’t feel safe. So anxious, so on edge. And my mind is telling me it’s my fault. Not good enough. Never going to be good enough. What’s the point. Give up. Die die die.
Maybe I should run. Run run run and not look back. Escape. But I can’t escape. The only abuse now comes from myself. Can’t run away from myself.
I just want to feel safe. Need to feel calm.
Maybe a shower will help calm me. Wash the despair away. The shame, the disappointment, the failure.
Why am I such a mess? I want it all to stop.