Destructive thoughts

** Trigger warning **

Feeling very (self)destructive at the moment.

Went to meet some friends for lunch. It was nice but I felt like I was pretending everything is fine. 

But my brain is negative negative negative.

Driving back I felt the familiar urges to drive faster, lose control, crash the car. What if I took my seatbelt off? What if I spun the steering wheel? What if I crashed the car?

My mind is racing and I don’t feel safe. So anxious, so on edge. And my mind is telling me it’s my fault. Not good enough. Never going to be good enough. What’s the point. Give up. Die die die.

Maybe I should run. Run run run and not look back. Escape. But I can’t escape. The only abuse now comes from myself. Can’t run away from myself.

I just want to feel safe. Need to feel calm. 

Maybe a shower will help calm me. Wash the despair away. The shame, the disappointment, the failure.

Why am I such a mess? I want it all to stop.

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6 thoughts on “Destructive thoughts

  1. Jasmine says:

    *hugs* I find when it looks like things might be going well, I start to panic. You achieved a first this year against all the odds, your relationship is going well, you have an exciting year ahead of you which could open a lot of doors. I suspect your mind isn’t used to having so many positive things happen at once and the reaction is panic in case something goes horribly wrong. Try to enjoy the successes you’ve had – you earned them. It will be okay xx

  2. Grace says:

    Yes, you will be okay. Try to be kind to yourself (I know how hard that is though).
    You are good “enough” and you’re certainly not a failure. “Keep calm and carry on” although things suck so hard from time to time. There are better times ahead anyway. xxx

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