Why?

I just don’t get it.

Things are good, really good.

I got my first for this year, against all the odds. I got my summer job back so I will have some money. I’ve booked my flight to Germany and got accommodation sorted for the first few weeks, and I’ve even met a girl who will be in the same town. I am going on holiday with S next week (although we still haven’t actually booked it!) and this morning I received an email saying that I won a prize for my work in German this year.

So why do I still feel low?

I have everything right now, and I’m still not happy…

Do I just want too much? Do I just expect everything to be perfect?

But there is nothing wrong, nothing at all. So why do I want to hide in my bed? Why do I feel like crying? Why do I still have this inexplicable feeling of sadness, emptiness, pain…?

I know I am a lot better than I was. But before things were hard, I had some reasons. I guess I still have some reasons, but a lot of them are gone now – living away from home, exam stress, coursework stress, the massive fear of not doing well enough in my uni work… All of that is gone and yet I don’t feel better. At least the anxiety should be lower.. but it’s not. I am on edge, and I’ve bitten all my nails off (again.) 

To be perfectly honest, even reading that I got a first didn’t properly cheer me up. I was happy, surprised for a few minutes. And then I was like “oh well”. What is that?! I have worked so hard all year for that, I have worried myself for months, I have waited anxiously for my results, and then all I can say is “oh well”?!

Nothing I ever do will ever be good enough (for myself.)

Maybe I’m doomed to always be disappointed because perfection doesn’t exist, no matter how much I or anyone else strives for it.

I just want to be “normal”… I want to react to things in a normal way. I should be celebrating my achievements, I should be excited and looking forward to the future, but instead I’m feeling numb.

And I still haven’t unpacked… I’ve been home over 2 weeks (oops.)

Someone explain all this?

 

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10 thoughts on “Why?

  1. bpshielsy says:

    That can be the thing with depression/anxiety. There aren’t always reasons. It’s a real bitch!

    Just keep getting outside to enjoy all the sunshine we’re having right now x

  2. WeeGee says:

    I don’t ‘like’ this post in so much as I like your honesty. Sometimes there is no ‘why’ – that’s what depression does. The main thing is that somewhere in there, you know the positives are positives. You will get there. Promise and cross my heart but in the meantime have a little WeeGee shaped hug xoxox

  3. Grace says:

    I have no advice but there is a sentence in your post that explains everything (imo):
    “Nothing I ever do will ever be good enough (for myself.)” And why do you think that is?

    I can kind of guess the answer (forgiveness *cough* *cough*) but I don’t want to be all weird with my interpretative approach and who am I to talk anyway? (Of course, indirectly I still am weird by saying I don’t want to be but I coughed the word anyway. Damn me!)

    Take care and try to enjoy your time. xx

  4. behindthemaskofabuse says:

    It’s a mindset probably instilled by your ex. He may have even convinced you that you don’t deserve the good. You do. I’m sorry you’re struggling, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re carrying a lot of pain and grief. Lots of love xo

  5. Jasmine says:

    Melancholic depression is different from other kinds of depression. It doesn’t respond to life events in the same way. Sometimes the depression a person experiences is a reaction to things happening around them – eg, the depression is triggered by a bad experience, and eases when things get better. Melancholic depression is more like a physical illness in that it comes and goes of its own accord. Which is shit – but it might explain why you are feeling this way. It will pass, though. Hugs xxx

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