*possible trigger warning – it gets pretty negative.*
Every so often I seem to have these little panics…
I’m not safe. Nothing is safe. No one can keep me safe.
I have got too close to S and it scares me. He could leave like the ex did. Not safe. I caught myself thinking I should get away from him (S), I need to leave before he leaves, then it’s my
fault choice. But Ellie you tried that one… you ended it before and felt worse than ever.
I think maybe it’s about control. I can’t control how I feel and how I would feel if he left. I can’t control whether he leaves or not (that’s why I feel like I should leave first, then I’d be in control).
I don’t know what is going to happen when I move to Germany. I can’t control it, I can’t plan it all. It’s new and big and scary. New language, new place, new people…
What if I can’t handle it?*
It’s happened again… this downwards spiral. It was about one thing, and now it’s about EVERYTHING.
I just want to be safe.
I feel so low and I don’t really know why. Maybe I’m just thinking too much (as usual). When I feel like this I wonder if the progress I’ve been making is even real. My thoughts scare me. I just want to be safe, or at least I want control. I want it all to stop, it’s all too much.
I want to die. I’m not safe here, how do I carry on? Sometimes I really think it would be easier if I wasn’t alive.** And the urge to hurt myself, punish myself for all this is strong. But it doesn’t help. I know it doesn’t help so why do I want to do it? It doesn’t solve anything.
*I know I’m not allowed to say “what if”, but I did anyway.
**Please do not read into this too much – these are thoughts and not plans, I know these feelings/thoughts will pass.